A Gentleman is Open-minded, While a Petty Person Sighs | Chapter 23 | A Bitter Smoke | Novela.app

There weren't many decent restaurants around the hospital. Even the convenience store was a knock-off called "7-12." Since the peak dinner hour had passed, most of the bento boxes in the convenience store were sold out. The remaining ones looked unappetizing. Zhang Da walked in, did a quick lap with his head down, and walked right back out. Without a word and without waiting for Chang Ying, he headed straight for a homestyle restaurant across the street. Chang Ying wandered between the two rows of shelves, picked up a carton of yogurt and a few bottles of fresh fruit juice, and went to the counter to pay. The checkout counter was made of transparent glass, with various brands of cigarettes stacked on the top tier. Chang Ying leaned over to look, tapping on the glass as he asked the owner, "Excuse me, could you tell me which brand is the least harsh?" The owner pulled out a display board and tossed a few packs onto the counter. "Camel, Soft Yuxi... these are all decent. Which one do you want?" Chang Ying nodded, but he didn't look at the packs the man had suggested. Instead, he pointed to a pack the owner hadn't selected. "I'll take a pack of those." The owner hesitated. "Peony? I’m telling you, the ones you picked are harsh. They’ve got a real kick." Chang Ying gave a private, subtle smile. "Yes, those. The harsher, the better." The owner didn't argue further. He added the price of the cigarettes to the total and pulled out a lighter. "Need a lighter?" Chang Ying nodded. The owner handed him a plastic bag, but Chang Ying didn't put the cigarettes in with the other items. Instead, he slipped them into his coat pocket. *** Zhang Da ordered three random rice bowls. He hesitated while ordering, realizing he had no idea what Tan Junzi liked or disliked. With Chang Ying standing right there, Zhang Da refused to ask; he felt that asking would be an admission of defeat. Zhang Da wasn't sure what Chang Ying was up to. He had assumed Chang Ying followed him out to offer some sort of counseling, much like that blockhead Luo Zihan, who had spent the last two days dragging him into endless conversations, never discouraged by the lack of response. But Chang Ying just stood beside him, looking down at his phone to send a text. He didn't try to fill the silence with small talk; he acted perfectly natural, as if nothing had happened and he knew nothing at all. On the way back to the hospital with the takeout, Zhang Da couldn't help himself. "You guys should just head home after this. I'm fine." Chang Ying nodded, but it wasn't exactly an agreement. After a long pause, he simply said, "We'll see." What did "we'll see" mean? Were they staying or leaving? Zhang Da was puzzled, but he didn't say anything else. Back in the ward, Tan Junzi and Qin Ruanshu seemed to have made a pact. They didn't say goodbye; instead, they sat there as if their backsides were rooted to the spot, steadily working on their homework using the empty bed as a desk. Zhang Da noticed that the boxed meal on the nightstand had been touched. His first instinct was to look at Luo Zihan. Luo Zihan, who was busy playing Tetris, looked up and said, "I didn't eat it. Your mom did." There were orange peels next to the box. Fine, that was good. Not only had she eaten, but she’d had an orange too. The atmosphere in the ward was bizarre, making Zhang Da feel like the only one who didn't belong. Then Chang Ying spoke, but not to Zhang Da. He addressed Luo Zihan: "Here’s the plan for tonight. You take the late shift, I’ll take the early one. Let Zhang Da go home to shower and sleep." Luo Zihan nodded. "Sure, I'll just let my grandma know." Chang Ying stood beside Tan Junzi. Without saying a word, he reached out and touched her ponytail in a silent inquiry. Tan Junzi put down her pen and looked up. "Then I'll stay with you for the early shift. Qin Ruanshu said she can stay with Luo Zihan." Qin Ruanshu nodded as well, briskly stuffing her notebooks into her backpack and standing up to go home for a quick nap first. Zhang Da stood to the side, silent, his coat still on. Seeing Qin Ruanshu pulling Luo Zihan toward the door, he extended an arm to block them. "I appreciate the gesture, but you should all go home." Qin Ruanshu ducked under his arm. "Hurry up. Pack your things and get out the door with us." Zhang Da didn't move. Just then, Chang Ying’s phone rang. He answered, said a few words, and then handed the phone to Zhang Da. "Liu Kan is asking for your apartment address. He only knows the general direction and he's biking toward your place now." Zhang Da froze. He didn't take the phone, so Luo Zihan reached out and grabbed it. "Hello? Kan-ge? Yeah, it's Kaixuan Shengshi, Building A. Right, turn right at the pancake stall intersection, Unit 203. Huh? You're almost there? Okay, okay, Da-ge is leaving the hospital now. He'll be there in about fifteen minutes..." Luo Zihan hung up and handed the phone back to Chang Ying. Chang Ying looked at Zhang Da. "Go on home. He's almost there, and it's freezing out." Zhang Da took a breath and slowly lowered his head. After a long moment, he looked up and shoved a takeout box into Qin Ruanshu’s hands. "Dinner." Then he placed the other two boxes on the nightstand and said to Tan Junzi and Chang Ying, "Remember to eat." He turned and walked out the door. *** While Zhang Da had been out buying food, Wang Cuizhi—likely unwilling to throw a tantrum in front of outsiders—had eaten an orange under Tan Junzi’s gentle coaxing and feeding. She had then taken a few symbolic bites of rice but hadn't touched a drop of water or another morsel of food since. She remained silent, staring blankly at the IV drip. No one knew what she was thinking; her gaze was vacant. Eventually, she drifted off to sleep. Around eight in the evening, a young nurse came in to check on her. The hospital didn't allow family members to lie on empty beds, but Chang Ying had somehow managed to procure a cot. Around ten, he shooed Tan Junzi toward the bed to sleep, even draping his own down jacket over her. "What about you?" Tan Junzi asked, her head tilted to the side. "I'm not tired. Hey, is your homework done? Let me 'reference' it." Chang Ying sat on a small stool. Tan Junzi curled her legs up to make a small space for him to work. "How are things with Liu Kan?" Tan Junzi wasn't sleepy yet, so she chatted with Chang Ying in a low voice. "Not bad. Here, see for yourself." Chang Ying pulled out his phone, opened his inbox, and handed it to her. Tan Junzi scrolled through the messages: *7:00 PM: Cooked a bowl of noodles for Zhang Da. He didn't eat them. (Maybe I'm just a bad cook.)* *There’s a game tonight, Lakers vs. Celtics. I remember he likes Kobe. I turned on the TV, but he didn't watch. He went back to his room.* *You said not to let him be alone, so I followed him into his room. Ended up getting kicked out. If he has the strength to kick me, his spirits must be okay.* *I'm sitting on the floor outside his door now, listening for every sound. Don't worry, Chang-ge.* Tan Junzi scrolled back and forth, only to find: *Goodnight.* *Goodnight.* *Goodnight.* ... The rest were all text messages from her. Back then, phones could only store 999 messages. Tan Junzi hadn't intended to snoop through Chang Ying’s phone; she had just been casually pressing "Previous." She hadn't expected that, aside from the few messages Liu Kan had just sent, the entire inbox was filled with the substance-less texts she had sent him. "I'm done. Here's your phone," Tan Junzi said casually. "Why haven't you deleted any of these? You should clean out your inbox. It's almost full." Chang Ying took the phone back calmly. Seeing the girl start to yawn, he said, "I can't clean it out." "Why not?" Tan Junzi asked suspiciously. "Because they're all useful messages." Chang Ying met her gaze. "They're all just 'goodnight.' How is that useful?" Chang Ying said seriously, "Yesterday’s goodnight, the day before’s... last year’s... they each hold a different meaning." Their eyes met. Chang Ying didn't look away; his gaze was gentle yet firm. For a moment, Tan Junzi was taken aback. She didn't press him on what those meanings were, only murmuring softly, "But... I deleted all of mine..." Chang Ying looked at her. Tan Junzi was lying on her side, her hand tucked under her head, her feet curled up, looking very sweet. Chang Ying hesitated for a moment, then reached out and lightly flicked the bridge of her nose with his finger. "It's okay. It's enough that I keep them." Where Chang Ying touched her, Tan Junzi felt a tingling sensation. Her eyes fell on his ears, unsure if they had turned red. Then, Chang Ying placed his hand over her eyes, blocking her vision. "Go to sleep. I'll wake you for the late shift." Through his palm, Tan Junzi heard him say, "Goodnight." *** Over the next few days, the group rotated night shifts until Wang Cuizhi was discharged. The doctor said her physical condition was fine, but after returning home, she simply continued to lie in bed. she ate only one meal a day and spent the rest of her time "suspending her spirit" in bed, ignoring her mahjong friends when they called. Occasionally, in the middle of the night, she could be heard crying—a thin, fragmented sound. The group moved their base of operations to Zhang Da’s house. Every day after school, they headed straight there, making themselves at home, buying groceries, cooking, and washing fruit. Then they would huddle around Zhang Da’s long dining table to do homework. One benefit was that everyone received personal tutoring from Qin Ruanshu. By unspoken agreement, no one tried to comfort Zhang Da or engage him in pointless talk. They just stayed with him. And regardless of whether he wanted it or whether he was listening, they took turns telling him what had been taught in each subject that day, what had happened at school, and what nonsense the grade supervisor had spouted. The others silently observed the changes in Zhang Da. Two weeks after Wang Cuizhi was discharged, on an ordinary Wednesday, Chang Ying and Liu Kan came to Zhang Da’s house. This time, Luo Zihan was missing, and Tan Junzi and Qin Ruanshu hadn't come either. It was just the boys. When Zhang Da opened the door, he habitually scanned the room. Liu Kan caught the look of confusion in his eyes when he saw people were missing. Liu Kan said, "Da-ge, Luo Zihan isn't coming today. He got into it with someone from Class 3 while playing basketball and got beat up." Zhang Da had started walking into the house after opening the door, but he stopped in his tracks. "Someone from Class 3?" Liu Kan said, "Yeah. You weren't there, so Luo Zihan fought three of them alone. It was pretty bad. You two already had beef with those guys from Class 3; they were looking for trouble on purpose because you weren't around..." Before Liu Kan could finish, Zhang Da grabbed his coat and pushed past them to head out. But when Zhang Da reached the small flowerbed downstairs, he found Luo Zihan squatting by the edge, playing with ants, perfectly fine. Hearing Zhang Da’s footsteps behind him, Luo Zihan looked back with a goofy grin. "Oh, hey, Zhang Da." Zhang Da felt a surge of frustration and turned to head back home. The others quickly caught up, and the boys half-carried, half-shoved Zhang Da into the residential complex’s covered walkway. They forced him down onto a stone bench. It was the dead of winter, and the wisteria vines clinging to the walkway were bare. The moon had risen, a waning crescent visible through the skeletal vines. The boys stood or sat, partially surrounding Zhang Da. Liu Kan chuckled. "Zhang Da, today the brothers are giving you a 'One Thousand and One Nights.' It's freezing out here, so we'll make it quick." Chang Ying glanced at Luo Zihan. Taking the hint, Luo Zihan spoke first. "Da-ge, we're best friends, but it's always me coming to your house. You never come to mine. You probably don't know much about my family." "My parents work on the railway lines, so they're never home. I've lived with my grandma since I was a kid." "Later, my mom got involved with her boss and my parents divorced, so there was even less chance of me living with them. My grandma’s house is my home. I love to eat, especially meat, but my grandma is a devout Buddhist. She’s a lay practitioner; we don't even have eggs in the house. It's just tofu and cabbage all day long. I've been hungry every single day since middle school." "Whenever I'm out, I eat snacks, street food, sesame cakes, buns..." "I'm not saying this to make you feel sorry for me. I think I'm doing pretty well. My grandma and I can't eat the same food, but I love her. To me, she's the most important person in the world." "She's eighty this year and her health is okay. Aside from going to the temple to burn incense, she has no other hobbies. If things go well, she'll last until I start working and making money. Then I'll take her to temples all over the country to burn those massive incense sticks—the ones as thick as your arm. I don't know if you've seen them on TV, they cost hundreds each. I'll buy them for her. It's the old lady's only hobby; I have to make it happen." When Luo Zihan finished, he nudged Liu Kan. Liu Kan scratched the back of his head. "My turn." ... When it was Chang Ying’s turn, he leaned against a pillar of the walkway. "I basically grew up at Junzi’s grandfather’s house. My parents' social circles almost completely overlap, so even though their relationship soured later on, they never divorced." "They almost never argue, either. Marriage for them is like a business partnership. They're usually traveling for work, each busy with their own things." "When I was very young, I saw them when they were still in love. When it was good, it was really good. My dad was doing business out of town, and my mom was performing somewhere else. As soon as my dad closed a deal, he’d take a twelve-hour train ride just to go support her. They weren't from the same world—one a businessman, the other an artist—but for them to be together and have me, there must have been love once." "Then that affection slowly cooled. Witnessing your parents' feelings dwindle from much to little is a strange experience. Is there some great grudge between them? No. It's probably just a clash of personalities, drifting apart. When they were young, they could rely on the illusion of passion, thinking they loved each other deeply. As they got older and the passion faded, only family ties remained." "Looking at them, and then at the elders around me, I realized that those who stay together from youth into middle age and still love each other are a tiny minority. I used to wonder if everyone’s ending was destined to be the same. When we're young, we're always arrogant, thinking we're different from everyone else. We think as long as we do things right, we won't end up like them." "I never found an answer to that question. But later, I realized the answer doesn't matter." "People are different. All we can know, all we can choose, is what kind of person we are in the present. We can't control others, and it's hard to predict the future for ourselves or anyone else. Those 'others' might be the girl you like, your parents, whoever. There are so many people in this world, but ultimately, the only things we can decide and control are our own affairs." "We can't choose our families. You play games, right? Ever played *The Sims*? The start is randomized; it's all about how you manage it. Occasionally, the system throws a disaster at you, and if you're not careful, your character goes bankrupt. In one system, no one is really more noble than anyone else. Everyone hits hurdles. It's just that your hurdle came first, and mine will come later." "The essence of human suffering is really just not getting what you want and fearing what you might lose. But in reality, when you stop worrying about things you can't control—like how this should be, how that should be, how this person should act, or how that person should be—a lot of that pain disappears." ... "Chang Ying, do you know what I hate most about you? I hate how you always look so unruffled, like you have everything under control. Everyone else avoids preaching, but you... you have to give me all this philosophy. I didn't understand a single word." Zhang Da finally spoke, his voice sounding as if it were squeezed from his throat, desperately trying to restrain something. Although the words had a sting, everyone could hear that his tone had changed. He was like a snake that had been struck in its vital spot, hissing with empty bravado. "Is that so?" Chang Ying gave a lopsided smile. "What a coincidence. I'm pretty annoyed by you, too. Since Junzi isn't here, I'll say it: every time you look at her, I want to punch you." Liu Kan pretended to play peacemaker. "Hey, hey, why are we bringing Sister Tan into this again?" Zhang Da’s lips moved, but he didn't speak. Chang Ying didn't say anything else either. With a half-smile, he pulled that pack of cigarettes from his pocket—the ones he’d bought weeks ago. He tore open the foil, nudged a cigarette out, and tossed it to Zhang Da. Zhang Da hesitated, then gripped it between his fingers the way he’d seen on TV. Liu Kan lit it for him. He had never smoked before. He took a drag, and instantly, tears were stung from his eyes. It felt like someone had tossed a bomb into his lungs, the heat spraying up his windpipe to the back of his head. Half his lungs felt like they were on fire. He coughed violently. The sensation was both agonizing and addictive. He wanted another puff, but the cigarette—only one drag in—was snatched away by Chang Ying, crushed, and thrown aside. The aftereffects were strong. Zhang Da’s tears continued to flow uncontrollably. At first, it was from the smoke, but as he coughed and his chest heaved, the tears turned into an unstoppable flood. Chang Ying silently patted his back. "It’s the smoke. It’s harsh." Zhang Da wiped the streaming tears with the back of his hand. "It's so damn harsh. What kind of crap cigarettes did you buy..." He sobbed, no longer caring what the others thought. It was as if all these tears originated from that one puff of smoke, as if that smoke really could be so heart-wrenching and earth-shattering. The others remained silent. Zhang Da cried for a long time. No one offered him a tissue. As the sobbing subsided, Zhang Da suddenly said, "My mom’s been home alone for too long. Let's go back." Chang Ying gave a faint smile. "Don't worry, there's someone else at your house." He wondered how the conversation between Teacher Li and Zhang Da’s mother was going. Zhang Da went silent, then cursed. "Does this mean I can't call Li Wei 'Wei-ge' anymore?" Luo Zihan nodded solemnly. "You really can't. The seniority is all messed up. We call him Wei-ge, but you'll have to call him 'Dad.' By the transitive property, we're your dads." Zhang Da shoved Luo Zihan. "Screw off. I'm your grandfather." Then he asked, "Why didn't you guys smoke? You just set me up?" Chang Ying laughed. "Cigarettes with added chili powder—you're the only one who gets to enjoy that." *** **Glossary** Chinese | English | Notes/Explanation ---|---|--- 7-12 | 7-12 | A knock-off version of 7-Eleven. 牡丹 | Peony | A classic Chinese cigarette brand, known for being quite strong/harsh. 盖饭 | Rice bowl / Over-rice dish | A common meal consisting of a topping served over white rice. 一千零一夜 | One Thousand and One Nights | Used here metaphorically for a long session of storytelling. 凯旋盛世 | Kaixuan Shengshi | The name of Zhang Da's residential complex (Triumphant Golden Age). 伟哥 | Wei-ge / Brother Wei | A nickname for Li Wei. Also a common Chinese pun for Viagra, though used here primarily to discuss social hierarchy/seniority.