If a person, after entering university, still lived every day like the second half of their senior year of high school, what would happen?
The answer: They would rank in the top three of their class, their scholarship would more than cover their living expenses, and they would be so focused that they had no time for romance.
This was Tan Junzi’s state of being. Chang Ying watched from the sidelines as she spent her university years spinning like a top. Tan Junzi’s campus was in the city center, while Chang Ying’s school was in the suburbs. Jiangcheng was a massive, top-tier metropolis; separated by such a distance, the two of them lived as if they were in a long-distance relationship.
Freshman year was the hardest. Every Saturday, Chang Ying would wake up early and take the subway to find Tan Junzi, returning late at night, and then repeat the process on Sunday. Sometimes, when he didn't feel like making the trek back and forth, he would stay in a hotel near her university, but he never asked her to come stay with him. Just seeing her anxious, fearful face was enough to make his heart ache. He wanted to give her space; he didn't intend to do anything, but he feared that his presence would pressure her and lead her to overthink.
By sophomore year, finding the commute too troublesome, he simply bought an apartment near her university. The Chang family was wealthy, and while this apartment wasn't particularly large, it was in a good neighborhood and a prime location. A three-bedroom unit was more than enough. Moreover, Tan Junzi almost never visited.
Living off-campus had its perks; Chang Ying even learned how to make soup. Tan Junzi had reached a height of 168 centimeters in high school, but her weight had plummeted during her senior year, and because of *that* incident, it had never quite recovered. Chang Ying went to great lengths just to get her to put on a little weight.
The days passed like this, and Tan Junzi was slowly getting better. Chang Ying felt as though he were raising a small animal. First, he had gone through immense trouble to bring the creature home, then he had to painstakingly earn its trust, and when it fell ill, he had to wait on it hand and foot. But the silver lining was seeing the change—that made it worth it. At the very least, Tan Junzi had looked after him when they were children; now it was his turn to protect her. He didn't find it a burden.
Chang Ying felt that by the time they graduated, or perhaps a few years after, the incident would mostly be behind her. It might always remain a thorn in her side, but at least she could live a normal life and stop acting like a robot. At least, that was what he thought. He had it all pictured quite nicely.
***
During the winter break of their junior year, Tan Junzi went home for the New Year. She had already found a thesis advisor and planned to start working for them in the second half of the year. As in previous years, Chang Ying went to his grandfather’s house in the suburban compound with his parents.
His major was Mechanical Engineering, and he had been interning since his sophomore year. His initial dreams had shifted slightly; after interning at several design firms, he realized that working for others didn't suit him. Consequently, Chang Ying began reaching out to his father’s business associates to learn the ropes, intending to start his own design firm after graduation.
Tan Junzi’s reunion dinner was, as usual, shared only with her grandfather. It was simple but not lonely. They left the TV on, the Spring Festival Gala serving as background noise, and shared a bowl of dumplings with two different fillings. Her grandfather had braved a tilapia and made stir-fried cabbage with vinegar. Since Junzi loved tofu, he had also prepared beef brisket with tofu.
After they finished their meal, there was a knock at the door. Who would visit on New Year’s Eve?
*Bang, bang, bang.* The knocking was hurried. It clearly wasn't Chang Ying; besides, he had a key.
Tan Junzi was holding the remote, turning up the volume. In recent years, her grandfather’s hearing had begun to fail, so the sound had to be thunderous. She set the remote down to open the door, her head still turned toward the TV. A skit by Feng Gong was playing. Just as she heard the line, "My dear audience, I’ve missed you to death!" she turned to look outside.
Standing at the door was Guan Qiuyue.
Guan Qiuyue’s face was filled with a fervor Tan Junzi had never seen in her life. He suddenly grabbed her wrist, startling her. For as long as she could remember, Guan Qiuyue had never even hugged her; this physical contact made her skin crawl.
"She’s awake, Junzi! Come with me, I’m taking you to see her!" Guan Qiuyue had discarded his usual refined demeanor, practically growling as he pulled her toward the exit.
Tan Junzi didn't understand what he was saying. She instinctively gripped the doorframe as Tan Zhengqi stood up from the sofa.
"Dad! Shuixian is awake!" Guan Qiuyue shouted at Tan Zhengqi.
"Grandpa... what is Dad talking about?" Tan Junzi’s wrist throbbed with pain, and her face contorted with confusion and fear as she looked at Tan Zhengqi.
Tan Zhengqi hadn't even put his slippers on properly as he rushed over to grab Tan Junzi, trying to pull her back. He barked at Guan Qiuyue, "You bastard! What are you doing? Let go of Junzi!"
"Junzi, my car is right outside. I’m taking you to your mother! Right now! Your mom said she wants to see you! We can be a family again!" Guan Qiuyue reached out to touch Tan Junzi’s face like a man possessed. Tan Junzi screamed, her entire body shaking like a leaf. "Dad, what are you saying? My mom died a long time ago... Don't do this, I'm scared..."
"Let go of her! You lunatic, what kind of madness is this on New Year’s Eve!" Tan Zhengqi tried to pry Guan Qiuyue’s hand away. Tan Junzi’s wrist was already beginning to bruise.
"Junzi, Junzi, listen to me. Your mother isn't dead. Your grandfather lied to you. She’s in the hospital... I can't explain it all now, just come with me. I'll take you to her. She said she wants to be with me again. You’ll have a home! You won't have to live here with your grandfather anymore!" Guan Qiuyue softened his tone, but this attempt at persuasion was more terrifying to Tan Junzi than a demon. His eyes were far too manic.
"Grandpa! Grandpa!" Tan Junzi began to scream hysterically, losing control. The three of them were a tangled mess of pulling and pushing. Guan Qiuyue shoved Tan Zhengqi, who stumbled back several steps.
"Get out of here!" Tan Zhengqi grabbed the broom by the door, intending to strike Guan Qiuyue. But as his hand reached mid-air, he collapsed straight backward.
***
Tan Junzi’s hands were trembling as she dialed Chang Ying’s number.
She had used this Nokia since her freshman year. Her classmates had gone through two generations of iPhones, but she had never replaced this "brick." It was strange; she used to think this phone was quite easy to use, so why did the buttons feel so hard now? It took her forever just to press one, and then she struggled to press the next digit, and the next...
When the call connected, she could hear the sound of firecrackers on the other end.
"Junzi?" Chang Ying’s voice seemed to carry the scent of gunpowder—warm and filled with a hint of pleasant surprise.
"Wah—" The moment Tan Junzi heard his voice, she couldn't get a single word out before she began to wail. "Chang Ying! My grandpa is gone!!"
He had passed away in the ambulance. Acute myocardial infarction.
***
When Chang Ying arrived at the hospital, Tan Junzi was sitting in a chair with her knees pulled to her chest. She was still wearing slippers and no socks. Guan Qiuyue was pacing the corridor impatiently, muttering to himself, "I can't keep Shuixian waiting. She finally woke up... I can't let her wait..."
Hearing Guan Qiuyue’s words, Chang Ying felt his throat go dry, and his vision momentarily darkened.
"Chang Ying..." Tan Junzi looked up at him, her eyes and face drenched in tears. Her small face, buried in her black hair, looked exceptionally pale and haunting.
Chang Ying’s heart burned with anxiety, but he didn't say a word. He simply knelt down and pulled her into his arms.
"I don't have a grandpa anymore, Chang Ying."
"He died in my arms. I don't have a grandpa anymore."
"My dad said my mom is still alive. He said Grandpa lied to me, and he wanted to take me to see her... I don't know. I'm so scared."
***
Tan Junzi spent New Year’s Eve at Chang Ying’s house—the one on the second floor.
Chang Jianguo had gone to the hospital as well, so the two "children" didn't have to worry about the aftermath. Chang Ying was told to take Tan Junzi home first. There were only the two of them in the house. Guan Qiuyue had reportedly driven out of town that very night.
Chang Ying carried Tan Junzi to the bed. He was covered in the smell of firecrackers and New Year’s dinner, so he planned to take a quick shower first.
However, just as he entered the bathroom and pulled off his sweatshirt, he heard the *patter-patter* of Tan Junzi following him.
Chang Ying, shirtless, felt a bit helpless. "I'm just taking a shower. It'll only be five minutes. I'm about to take off my pants, Junzi."
Tan Junzi silently closed the bathroom door and began to undress.
Chang Ying froze.
Tan Junzi kept her head down as she removed her clothes, piece by piece.
First the sweater, then the t-shirt underneath. Once the shirt was off, only her bra remained. Then, she reached back to unfasten the clasp.
Chang Ying was stunned.
As if she didn't notice his gaze, she finished undressing her upper body and moved to the lower.
Chang Ying felt as though that minute lasted an eternity.
A naked, snow-white body, so thin it made his heart ache, stood before him. Yet, all impure thoughts vanished.
Once she was completely undressed, Tan Junzi walked under the showerhead and turned on the water.
The water was cold at first. Seeing her standing there motionless in the freezing spray, Chang Ying yanked her back. He adjusted the handle, and after a few dozen seconds, the water gradually warmed. He tested it with his fingers before letting her step back under the stream.
Tan Junzi’s head was bowed, the water flowing over her long hair, which clung to her torso. She turned her head. "Aren't you showering? Come in."
Seeing the look in her eyes, Chang Ying’s heart eased slightly. At least there was some warmth in that gaze.
He hesitated for a moment before stepping out of his pants and joining her.
The moment he stepped in, Tan Junzi embraced him, burying her face in his chest.
Since starting university, Chang Ying had grown to 188 centimeters. His physique was sturdier than it had been in his youth; he felt like a man now, no longer a boy.
Held by the naked girl he loved, he felt like that teenage boy again—the one who had spent an entire night in nervous agitation after confessing his feelings by the river.
Tan Junzi was trembling uncontrollably. Chang Ying felt as if his heart were being torn to shreds, thrown to the ground, and trampled upon. In his youth, he had fantasized countless times about the moment they would be naked together, but he had never imagined it would be like this—holding a body so thin, so cold, and so full of tremors. He felt as if he were dying too.
Nothing happened between them that night.
Even in her sleep, Tan Junzi kept saying "I'm sorry" to Chang Ying. He didn't know what she was apologizing for, or to whom she was speaking.
***
After Tan Zhengqi passed away, Tan Junzi was indeed depressed for a time. Regarding her mother, Chang Ying had been waiting for her to ask, but she never did. He had worried that she would regress completely, but to his surprise, she actually seemed better than before. She even put on some weight. Once, when Chang Ying was hospitalized with gastroenteritis and needed an IV drip, Tan Junzi stayed by his bed to care for him. It gave him a sense of their childhood, moving him almost to tears.
Only later did he learn there was a term for it: terminal lucidity.
After their senior thesis defense, neither of them was in a hurry to return to Tongcheng. He wasn't entirely sure what Tan Junzi was busy with; he knew her advisor had wanted her to stay for graduate school, but he didn't know the outcome, and she hadn't mentioned it.
Chang Ying had completely moved out of the dorms and into his apartment in the city center.
One day, returning from school, he saw Tan Junzi downstairs.
At first, he didn't recognize her because she had cut her hair short. He was surprised and found it refreshing. He wanted to reach out and touch it, but then felt his hands were dirty. He simply pointed at her hair and said, "You've always had long hair. I didn't expect you to look so good with it short."
Tan Junzi was carrying a fish in a semi-transparent black bag.
"Why didn't you tell me you were coming? Why didn't you go up?" Chang Ying took the fish, lifting it to see what kind it was.
"Tilapia," she told him. "I forgot the passcode to your place."
This was the first time Tan Junzi had ever come to his place of her own accord. Chang Ying was somewhat flattered. Furthermore, she reached out and took his arm.
They entered the apartment, and Chang Ying headed straight for the kitchen with the fish. "How do you want to cook this?" He put the fish in the sink and turned on the faucet to rinse it, getting his hands wet.
Tan Junzi didn't say a word. She followed him, turned off the faucet, stood on her tiptoes, and pressed her hand against the back of his head, kissing him.
With water dripping from his hands, Chang Ying just stood there, his arms suspended in mid-air. He didn't know whether to pull away or embrace her.
Tan Junzi pulled his hands around her, not caring that they were wet.
Her kiss was fierce and lacked any technique. Chang Ying’s mind went blank for a moment before he gently steadied her, pulling back slightly to look into her eyes, his nose brushing against hers. "What's wrong?"
Tan Junzi blinked and said a single sentence that nearly made Chang Ying’s heart stop.
She said, "Chang Ying, I want to make love with you."
She opened her hand to reveal a box of condoms.
***
It was impossible not to be moved. For a split second, Chang Ying wanted nothing more than to pin her against the kitchen counter. But he exerted a difficult control over himself, his voice raspy. "What is really going on?"
Tan Junzi stopped looking him in the eye. Instead, she closed her eyes and kissed his lips. This time was different from before; her kiss was tender, lingering, warm, and seductive. For Chang Ying, it was fatal. Tan Junzi didn't say another word, and Chang Ying didn't want to ask any more questions. Despite his many doubts, he was, after all, a red-blooded man. He couldn't resist; he only wanted to sink into this gentle paradise, regardless of the reason.
He whispered in her ear, "Are you sure?"
Tan Junzi leaned in to nibble his earlobe, her small tongue tracing the line where his ear met his neck. Chang Ying shuddered as he heard her say, "Chang Ying, I'm not happy. Can you make me happy?"
Chang Ying gripped her thighs, letting her wrap them around his waist, and carried her toward the bathroom.
...
By the time they returned to the bedroom, Tan Junzi was completely limp.
Chang Ying’s apartment was on the 42nd floor, with a vast, unobstructed view. There were no buildings opposite, so he rarely drew the curtains.
It was currently typhoon season in Jiangcheng. Dark clouds pressed down on the horizon—layers of black above and a murky grey below, waiting for the torrential rain to fall. But before the storm arrived, the air was thick with moisture, heat, and restlessness.
...
The rain finally fell amidst a roll of thunder. As the downpour turned into a deluge, Chang Ying’s silhouette began to move.
The pleasure was like a waterbird skimming across a lake, leaving behind ripple after ripple.
***
The rain passed and the sky cleared; the dark clouds dispersed. The sun hung low on the horizon, casting a purple glow, as if the violent storm from moments ago had been an illusion.
Tan Junzi looked at Chang Ying with tearful eyes as he continued to study her. He pointed to a spot just below a red mark on her chest. "You have a little mole here. I was staring at it just now. It’s so cute."
"Where?" Tan Junzi looked down curiously.
"Right here." Chang Ying lifted her slightly to show her, his voice teasing. "You didn't even know it was there."
Just moments ago, Chang Ying had thought girls were so interesting. Clearly, she was experiencing pleasure, so why was she crying? Tan Junzi said she was only half-crying.
And that swaying, faint brown mole on her pale skin became the image that would haunt his dreams every night for the next four years.
***
For six months after Tan Junzi left, Chang Ying thought she was being cruel. What did she think that was? Compensation?
He also hated himself. It was likely "sage time" at work, causing him to spend that entire frantic afternoon merely savoring the memory instead of using his brain to consider how abnormal her behavior had been.
Once, he was walking across a pedestrian bridge in Jiangcheng. An old man was singing for money.
"I am as free as the wind, just like your tenderness, impossible to retain~"
He had already walked past the old man when he turned back and pulled out his wallet. "How much do you make in a day?"
The old man turned down the volume. "Two or three hundred."
Chang Ying pulled out five hundred-yuan bills. "Here’s five hundred. Go home. Stop singing."
The old man took the money in disbelief, stuffed it into his pocket, and pointed to his equipment. "Do you want this? It’s a home KTV system. It has a full library and even a scoring feature."
Chang Ying pressed a hand to his forehead and shook his head, waving the man away. "Just pack up."
As Chang Ying walked down the bridge, he cursed under his breath. *That damn home KTV again.*
Before he had gone far, the old man’s singing started up again on the bridge.
"I am as free as the wind, just like your tenderness, impossible to retain~"
...
Fuck.
They’re all goddamn liars.
***
| Chinese | English | Notes/Explanation |
| :--- | :--- | :--- |
| 罗非鱼 | Tilapia | A common freshwater fish. |
| 冯巩 | Feng Gong | A famous Chinese crosstalk and skit performer known for his Spring Festival Gala catchphrase. |
| 水仙 | Shuixian | Literally "Narcissus"; the name of Tan Junzi's mother. |
| 急性心肌梗塞 | Acute myocardial infarction | Medical term for a heart attack. |
| 回光返照 | Terminal lucidity | Literally "the final glow of the setting sun"; refers to a brief period of improved health or clarity before death. |
| 贤者时间 | Sage time | Slang for the period of post-coital clarity/calm. |
| 我像风一样自由 | I am as free as the wind | Lyrics from the song "Free as the Wind" (蓝莲花/自由自在) by Xu Wei. |
