When they returned that evening, Ruan Qiuji looked at the two trees by the supermarket entrance and asked what they were. Xiao Tang told him they were longan trees; the fruiting season had long since passed, leaving only a canopy of leaves that swayed in the wind like a verdant waterfall. The wind was heavy today. From their spot on the second floor, with the screen windows open, they could hear the whistling rush of air through the foliage.
At the dinner table, Qi Bailu reminded Ruan Qiuji that the weather looked like rain and suggested he finish quickly and head back. Ruan Qiuji acted as if he hadn't heard, reaching out with his chopsticks to pick up food, not forgetting to naturally ladle a bowl of soup for Qi Bailu. Once they finished eating, Xiao Tang went to close the window and let out a soft exclamation. "It really is raining."
As she spoke, raindrops began to clatter against the windowpane. The downpour intensified rapidly, turning into a full-blown torrential storm. Qi Bailu, holding Ruan Qiuji’s coat and intending to see him out, found himself stuck; there was no choice but to wait for the rain to stop. Yet after half an hour, the storm showed no sign of relenting.
"With rain this heavy, it’ll be hard to catch a cab," Xiao Tang remarked.
"Are cars scarce around here?" Qi Bailu asked.
Xiao Tang nodded and turned to Ruan Qiuji. "Why don't you just stay? You can sleep with Bailu."
"..."
The suggestion was met with silence from all three.
Xiao Tang looked from one to the other. Ruan Qiuji finally spoke, "I should probably head back to the hotel."
Despite his words, Ruan Qiuji didn't budge from the sofa. Lin Yuewei watched television with her chin in her hand, pretending she hadn't heard a thing. Qi Bailu eventually said, "You won't be able to get a car."
This was a tacit acceptance. Ruan Qiuji turned to look at him, and Xiao Tang offered to find them an extra blanket. As soon as Xiao Tang left, Ruan Qiuji pulled Qi Bailu toward him by the waist, his lips brushing against the younger man's ear. Qi Bailu gave him a look that clearly said *keep your hands to yourself*. Lin Yuewei set down her snacks, looked away, and stood up. "I'm going to shower first."
Left alone on the sofa, Qi Bailu shifted away. "I need to wash the dishes."
Ruan Qiuji only managed a brief kiss on his ear before Qi Bailu stood up. Ruan Qiuji watched him round the sofa. Having missed his chance for a proper kiss, he could only watch as Qi Bailu pulled on gloves and actually began scrubbing the dishes. Xiao Tang passed through the living room carrying a blanket and asked if he needed help; Qi Bailu declined, so she went to hang up some laundry.
"I thought you’d kick me out."
"This time it’s for Xiao Tang’s sake. Next time, definitely."
The soundproofing in the apartment was poor. After a while, Lin Yuewei, hearing the water in the kitchen, came out and asked Qi Bailu, "Is my makeup remover with you?"
"Check the suitcase," Qi Bailu replied.
Lin Yuewei went into his room to look. Qi Bailu set a rinsed plate aside and suddenly remembered. "Wait, I don't think it's in the suitcase. It's in that smaller travel bag."
"The white one?" Ruan Qiuji asked.
"Yeah."
Ruan Qiuji went into the bedroom to help. The room was sparsely furnished, making it easy to find the travel bag Qi Bailu had tossed onto the bed. He asked Lin Yuewei for the brand of the makeup remover, and she gave him an English name. Ruan Qiuji opened the bag to find a jumble of items—even mascara and nail polish. A small jar at the bottom was obscured by something, its logo hidden.
Ruan Qiuji picked up the business cards resting on top of the jar and found the makeup remover underneath. He glanced idly at the cards; one belonged to the head of a PR firm, and most of the others were work-related. But when he reached the last one, his gaze froze, his expression shifting to one of sheer shock.
The most prominent line on the card read: *Beijing Exodus Rehabilitation Center.*
Lin Yuewei was still rummaging behind him. "I can't find it. Is it in that bag?"
Ruan Qiuji paled, concealing the card in his palm. He turned and silently handed the makeup remover to Lin Yuewei. She said "thanks" and prepared to leave, but noticed Ruan Qiuji’s strange expression. Confused, she had only taken two steps when Ruan Qiuji asked, "Is Bailu hiding something from me?"
"What?" Lin Yuewei turned back, bewildered.
"The rehab center. When did that happen?"
Lin Yuewei looked genuinely startled, seemingly surprised that Ruan Qiuji knew. Ruan Qiuji’s face was grim. "In the last two years? Or earlier?"
Seeing his intense reaction, Lin Yuewei paused for a moment before saying slowly, "Have you misunderstood something?"
Ruan Qiuji handed her the card he was clutching. Lin Yuewei took it, and upon seeing the text, she let out a sigh of relief. She handed it back, lowering her voice so Qi Bailu wouldn't hear from outside. "You think he’s using? Bailu did go there once, but as a donor. He contributed some money."
This answer allowed Ruan Qiuji to gradually calm down. In the moment he had misunderstood Qi Bailu, a surge of intense resentment had bloomed in his heart, nearly dragging him back into that old nightmare. Does loving someone inevitably involve hate? To have one's emotions manipulated, led around like a marionette on a string.
"In whose name?"
Lin Yuewei gave Ruan Qiuji a long look. She didn't answer, but she could see his jealousy clearly. She thought to herself that they were both, in their own ways, quite pitiable.
"You're so smart. Are you really going to keep obsessing over the past?"
Ruan Qiuji loosened his grip on the crumpled card and looked up at her. Lin Yuewei held the makeup remover and shrugged. After a moment of silence, Ruan Qiuji said, "He’s just that stubborn."
"Otherwise, why would you like him?"
As an outsider, Lin Yuewei always seemed to pierce through to the truth with a single word. If Qi Bailu were a heartless, selfish person, Ruan Qiuji would never have been drawn to him. Lin Yuewei walked out of the bedroom, greeting Qi Bailu as she passed the living room. Qi Bailu noted she wasn't wearing makeup, to which she replied that foundation and lipstick still counted. Qi Bailu pointed out that her lipstick had been eaten off during dinner.
She didn't mention the incident to him.
After finishing the dishes, Qi Bailu shook the water from his hands and walked into the bedroom. He found Ruan Qiuji making the bed; the travel bag and other items had been moved to a chair. The room was small and damp, and the bed was clearly a single. Since Lin Yuewei hadn't finished her shower, they had to wait. Qi Bailu sat in the chair eating grapes while Ruan Qiuji lit a cigarette by the window, cracking it open slightly for air. The rain had not let up.
The torrential downpour brought a strange sense of peace. Qi Bailu, not wearing a coat, soon felt the chill of the wind. Ruan Qiuji noticed, closed the window, and walked over to him. He touched Qi Bailu’s neck. Qi Bailu didn't look up, assuming he wanted a grape, and held one out. Ruan Qiuji didn't take it. "She's out," he said.
They both heard the bathroom door open. Qi Bailu gave a soft "mm," popped the grape into his own mouth, and let Ruan Qiuji go to shower first. After Ruan Qiuji left, Lin Yuewei looked in, lingering at the door for a moment. "Looks like someone is accompanying you back to Beijing."
Filming would wrap the day after tomorrow, and Lin Yuewei had to leave for another city on business. Qi Bailu asked, "Do you think I’m doing the right thing?"
"Hard to say."
At such an ambiguous answer, Qi Bailu shot her a look. Lin Yuewei added, "Right or wrong, if it's what you want, it's worth a try."
"But you never gave anyone a second chance."
Lin Yuewei froze for a second, then smiled gently. "I am me." They both understood that these things were always easier to advise others on than to practice.
Qi Bailu repeated, "You are you." Lin Yuewei laughed softly for a while and said, "Don't stay up too late. We’re busy tomorrow." Before Qi Bailu could respond, she waved and left.
Unfortunately, time didn't pass quickly enough. When Qi Bailu finished his shower and checked his phone, it was only ten o'clock. Ruan Qiuji was sitting in the chair on a call, still in his clothes from the day. Qi Bailu turned to close the old-fashioned latch on the door; it was rusty and stubborn. Ruan Qiuji watched him struggle with it, then hung up and walked over to help. He braced his elbow against the wooden door and forced the latch shut with a heavy *thud*.
With that, the only sound left in the cramped room was the rain. They felt like a small boat adrift in a violent storm. Qi Bailu felt a surge of tension, but fortunately, Ruan Qiuji didn't reach out to hold him. It wasn't their first time alone, nor their first time sharing a bed, but the atmosphere tonight was different from any night they had spent together before.
The room had clearly been tidied in a hurry. Cardboard boxes filled with odds and ends sat on the floor, along with crates of dusty glass cola bottles. Ruan Qiuji had likely never stayed in such a dilapidated place in his life, yet the bedding was clean and neat. The white mosquito net hadn't been removed; upon closer inspection, its pattern consisted of tiny flowers, resembling a bridal veil.
Ruan Qiuji asked if he should turn off the light. Qi Bailu told him to do as he pleased, and so he plunged into darkness the moment he lay down. There was no bedside lamp. Ruan Qiuji navigated the dark and lay down beside Qi Bailu, still fully clothed. The bed was truly small; though they used separate blankets, they inevitably bumped into each other. As Qi Bailu’s eyes adjusted to the dark, he realized Ruan Qiuji was facing him, his gaze fixed on his face.
"You're not taking your medicine?"
Qi Bailu had been staring at the ceiling, but now he rolled over to face Ruan Qiuji. The pillow was stuffed with some kind of herbal leaves that rustled with every movement. Qi Bailu said, "As long as I don't sleep with you, I sleep just fine."
"I don't sleep well."
"Really?"
"Mm."
"How unfortunate."
Ruan Qiuji shifted, seemingly wanting to touch him, but ultimately stayed still, only giving Qi Bailu’s cheek a firm pinch. Qi Bailu quickly rested his hand on the back of Ruan's, gripping his wrist. Ruan Qiuji then traced his fingers over Qi Bailu’s lips, leaning in until their foreheads touched.
The small bed creaked with the slightest movement. Qi Bailu thought he wanted to do something more, his lips unconsciously brushing against Ruan's fingertip. Ruan Qiuji whispered, "Perhaps meeting you was my misfortune. I really do hate you."
"Why would you hate me? You have everything." Qi Bailu looked up at him slightly. "You're young, wealthy, and so many people love you. As long as you set your heart on someone, they're bound to fall for you."
"And you?"
"You're not lacking for my love."
"I only want yours."
Qi Bailu murmured, "Because what you can't have is always the best."
Perhaps it had started that way, but the relationship they had built to this point was not something that could be summarized by a simple phrase like "unrequited desire."
Ruan Qiuji paused, his palm cupping Qi Bailu’s face. "If you insist on making excuses, there's nothing I can do. Perhaps you don't believe I can be sincere. I wasn't at first, and I can't say exactly when it changed. That time by the lake, during the fire... I wanted to kiss you then, so badly. But I felt the same way the first time I saw you."
Qi Bailu said nothing, and neither did Ruan Qiuji. Finally, it was Qi Bailu who moved first. He leaned in and gave Ruan Qiuji a soft kiss on the lips, then wrapped his arms around his neck. "Don't lie to me."
It was a simple kiss, yet Ruan Qiuji tasted a blend of sweetness and sorrow. There was no wind, no light; the rain washed away all scents and blocked out all sounds. The only tangible reality was the fragrance of Qi Bailu’s skin and hair, a scent that felt as if it could last forever.
*Loving someone is so very hard,* Qi Bailu thought hazily within Ruan Qiuji’s tightening embrace.
They nearly drifted off like that, their breathing and heartbeats muffled by the murmuring rain. Ruan Qiuji felt as if they were two fish forgotten in the deep sea. Much later, Ruan Qiuji asked, "Are you asleep?"
"No," Qi Bailu replied, his voice heavy with drowsiness.
Ruan Qiuji seemed to have something to say, but in the end, he only said, "Go to sleep."
"Goodnight."
Ruan Qiuji said, "Goodnight."
A long while passed, and just as Qi Bailu was about to fall into a dream, Ruan Qiuji said, "I love you."
***
After returning to Beijing from Xiamen, Cheng Wenhui arranged a voice-acting job for Qi Bailu for an animated film. Qi Bailu had to run to the recording studio every day. Ruan Qiuji wanted to go on a trip with him, but Qi Bailu was too tired to move and vetoed the suggestion. He didn't even move out of his rental apartment; he still spent one night here and the next there. Ever since being spotted by Ruan Qiuji’s cousin once, no matter how Ruan Qiuji coaxed him, Qi Bailu refused to move into his house.
After that incident, Qi Bailu asked him, "If your parents found out, would they give me a check and tell me to leave you?"
"And would you leave?"
"Maybe."
"Unfortunately, you won't be seeing any checks. They have no control over me."
*This isn't like the TV dramas,* Qi Bailu thought. He hinted to Ruan Qiuji that his family might still expect him to marry and have children. At the time, they were lying in bed sharing a cigarette. Ruan Qiuji had kissed his stomach with mock seriousness and asked, "Will you bear them for me?"
Qi Bailu had tried to kick him in embarrassment. Ruan Qiuji pinned his legs down, his kisses traveling from above the navel all the way to his chest. His hand moved from Qi Bailu’s lower abdomen to his ribs, gently stroking his side, as if this process would solemnly give birth to a new life.
Ruan Qiuji knelt between his legs. Under the light, Qi Bailu’s body stretched out before him like the leaves of a plant. When they finally kissed, Qi Bailu felt an indescribable sense of peace and fulfillment. Everyone enters the world naked; why couldn't they be children born from each other's ribs?
The topic ended there, and the "here's ten million to leave my son" scenario Qi Bailu feared never happened. Ruan Qiuji seemed particularly indifferent toward family ties; perhaps that was why he didn't crave starting a family of his own. He didn't bring up family matters, and Qi Bailu never asked.
Qi Bailu knew that everyone had their secrets.
Near Christmas, Cheng Wenhui’s daughter had her second birthday. Qi Bailu ordered a cake and sent over a gift. Ruan Qiuji didn't say anything, but he was a bit disgruntled that Qi Bailu remembered someone else's birthday but hadn't properly celebrated Ruan's own birthday this year.
Qi Bailu noticed and quietly ordered a cake, having it delivered to the house on Christmas Eve. When Ruan Qiuji arrived after work, he froze as he was taking off his scarf and coat, spotting the cake on the coffee table. Qi Bailu and Lin Yuewei were in the bedroom trying to put a little Christmas outfit on Jeanne. The cat, displeased, bolted out of the room and ended up face-to-face with Ruan Qiuji in the living room.
Seeing Jeanne in a dark green cape and a little red scarf, looking quite majestic, Ruan Qiuji crouched down. "Merry Christmas."
Jeanne cautiously batted at his hand with a paw, then spotted the cake on the table and tried to run toward it, only to be scooped up by Ruan Qiuji. He stood up with the cat and saw that the cake was shaped like a music box, coated in thick matcha powder with a small ballerina figurine in the center. The icing didn't say *Merry Christmas*, but *Happy Birthday*.
Qi Bailu came out holding Jeanne’s reindeer headpiece. Seeing the cat nestled in Ruan Qiuji’s arms, he took the opportunity to put the headpiece on her. Ruan Qiuji asked, "Whose birthday is it today?"
"Yours."
Ruan Qiuji raised an eyebrow.
"I say it is, so it is."
Qi Bailu took Jeanne away, and Ruan Qiuji rolled up his sleeves to cut the cake. When Qi Bailu had returned that music box to Ruan Qiuji back then, Ruan had kept it. Qi Bailu thought he had lost it long ago, but he had even kept the card. The card that read "Let her finish her dance" was slightly faded, but otherwise perfectly intact.
When Ruan Qiuji had given it back to him, he jokingly called it a "token of love" that couldn't be lost. And today, they ate that "token of love" right up.
Lin Yuewei had been cooped up in the studio editing film until Christmas, and she was dying for a break. She asked Qi Bailu if he wanted to go location scouting with her in the spring. Qi Bailu asked if she already had inspiration for her next project. She replied, "No, but we can treat it like a spring outing."
This promised spring outing eventually included Ruan Qiuji as well. Qi Bailu hadn't expected the place Lin Yuewei wanted to film to be his hometown. They drove a rented off-road vehicle along long provincial roads, the North China Plain's newly thawed earth on either side, the biting early spring wind whipping against their faces.
As they passed through a long tunnel, Qi Bailu turned to Ruan Qiuji. "I've been here before."
"When?"
Qi Bailu hesitated. "When I was a teenager."
He remembered this place. Through the dark tunnel lay the road to the municipal psychiatric hospital. Ruan Qiuji squeezed his hand, and Qi Bailu silently squeezed back, letting him know he was alright.
After waiting and waiting in the darkness, light appeared at the end of the tunnel. The vehicle drove out into the sun, as if a pitch-black curtain was being pulled back continuously until it was finally torn away with a roar, revealing the shimmering sea in the distance.
The photographer in the driver's seat marveled at the beauty outside the window, and Lin Yuewei leaned forward to look. The seawater sparkled under the sun, rippling with fine waves. Qi Bailu had seen the sea many times in many places, but after all these years, he was seeing the sea of his earliest memories once again.
He remembered his younger self sitting in the back seat of a car, someone holding him down firmly to keep him from moving. He could see his father in the driver's seat and the safety knot swinging from the rearview mirror. Now, looking forward, he saw the profile of a colleague in black-rimmed glasses and Lin Yuewei’s head in a beret.
The car eventually stopped on a small hillside in the suburbs. From the roadside, one could see the sea, and the slopes on either side of the road were covered in blooming azaleas. The photographer shouldered his gear to take photos while Qi Bailu and Ruan Qiuji walked along the deserted road toward a long bridge. Qi Bailu leaned against the railing and looked down at the river flowing meters wide beneath them.
The sky was a cloudless azure. The scenery looked like something out of a Miyazaki film. A powerful sea breeze gusted through, nearly knocking Qi Bailu off balance. He pressed a hand to the collar of his duffle coat. Ruan Qiuji took his other hand. Qi Bailu looked at Ruan Qiuji’s forehead and said, "I'm going to be blown away."
"You're not going anywhere."
Ruan Qiuji pulled him close, embracing him from behind. They could hear the sound of the waves crashing against the shore in the distance. Lin Yuewei fiddled with her camera for a while before coming over to lean against the railing and enjoy the breeze. The photographer lit a cigarette, but the wind was too strong to smoke; after a couple of puffs, he gave up and put it out. He called to them, "Who's going to the bridge? I want to take some portraits to see the effect."
Qi Bailu tilted his head to look at Ruan Qiuji, who looked back. Qi Bailu gestured for him to go, but stayed put himself. Ruan Qiuji said, "You're the professional."
Lin Yuewei looked through the viewfinder. "Both of you go. I want to capture a shot of someone running."
The photographer, with the unlit cigarette still in his mouth, asked, "Are you paying homage to the New Wave?"
Lin Yuewei grew excited. "Let's see who reaches the end first. Who's in?"
"Is there a prize for the winner?" Qi Bailu asked.
"No."
Lin Yuewei waved him over. Qi Bailu hesitated for two seconds. Ruan Qiuji said, "How about the loser buys dinner today?"
Qi Bailu glanced at the "traitor" beside him. Ruan Qiuji might as well have said outright that he wanted Qi Bailu to pay.
Lin Yuewei shouted, "I'm counting! Three, two—"
Before they could react, Lin Yuewei had already taken off into the wind. She ran fast, one hand holding her beret to keep it from flying off, her laughter scattering in the wind. Qi Bailu and Ruan Qiuji followed her lead. They didn't look as effortless as Lin Yuewei; the hems of their coats flapped in the wind, slapping against their thighs.
Qi Bailu fell behind. Seeing Ruan Qiuji about to pull away, he reached out and grabbed Ruan's arm. Ruan Qiuji glanced back and quickly took his hand. Qi Bailu nearly cried out. Ruan Qiuji was faster than him, and Qi Bailu couldn't tell if his momentum came from their joined hands or his own legs. He forgot the destination and the bet; in this brief moment, the only thing he felt was the wind.
The wind was vast and mighty. It felt as if they were running to the edge of the world. In Qi Bailu’s vision, the world seemed to spin; the lines of the road tilted, and the mountainside of red azaleas blurred into a hazy backdrop. The river reflected the bright, dazzling light. Qi Bailu breathed deeply; though his chest ached slightly, the act of running brought an unspeakable joy. Everything he had been chasing, everything he had been running toward, couldn't be found within a viewfinder; he only realized it once he burst past the edges of the frame.
Lin Yuewei was indeed the first to reach the end of the bridge. Qi Bailu accused her of cheating. She replied, "I never said I’d wait until 'one' to start running!"
Ruan Qiuji leaned against the bridge railing, his breathing relatively steady—at least he looked much more composed than the flushed Qi Bailu. He was still holding Qi Bailu’s hand.
Lin Yuewei walked back to the other side of the bridge to talk to the photographer. For a long while, the two of them didn't speak. Their only intimacy was when Qi Bailu turned his head and inadvertently brushed against Ruan Qiuji’s jaw; Ruan Qiuji looked down and casually kissed his hair. They looked into each other's eyes.
"I want to tell you so many things," Qi Bailu said.
"You can take your time."
Epiphanies often happen in an instant. The shadows of the past had been a dark, stagnant river in Qi Bailu’s heart. He had once thought the light of day would never shine upon it, but in a moment during that run, he felt the river beginning to flow forward.
Perhaps the first drop of rain to fall from the sky would eventually surge downward with time—water, thunder, clouds, mist, and dew, all flowing one by one into the rivers, lakes, and seas.
"Just small things."
Qi Bailu told him about the red bean ice cream he had secretly bought as a child, and the peeling paint on the carousel at the amusement park. He said the carousel was about to break, so it creaked and groaned. He said that when he was eighteen, he took a train for the first time and couldn't tell north from south. He said he had secretly worn his mother's dresses as a child and played with the lipstick in the drawer, though he felt he would never be as beautiful as the mother in the photographs. Qi Bailu told him about the fried skewers he had eaten with colleagues while on set, for which Cheng Wenhui had scolded him. He said he had actually liked a girl once, back in the third grade. He said he hoped to go to Cannes this summer, and that he still didn't quite understand what love was. How could a person have so much to say when they finally wanted to speak? Qi Bailu couldn't seem to finish. Ruan Qiuji listened beside him without speaking, as if listening to a monologue in a film, never finding it dull. Lin Yuewei called to them, waving vigorously from the far end.
Qi Bailu’s voice came to a sudden halt—and in that moment, the lights of the entire world suddenly brightened.
***
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