After sending the door code to Lin Murun, Si Bin caught a flight to Z City that same night.
"Stay safe," Lin Murun messaged him while walking. "Is someone picking you up in Z City?"
"A relative is meeting me," Si Bin replied. "I have to switch to flight mode now. Let's talk when I land."
Lin Murun put his phone away, carrying his violin case as he unlocked the door to Si Bin’s home.
Xiao Bai was the bolder of the two; hearing the movement, the cat ran out proactively. Seeing a familiar face, it happily trotted over to rub against his legs.
Da Bai, meanwhile, hid on the stairs to observe from the shadows. It wasn't until Lin Murun added kibble to its bowl that it let out a few clingy, soft meows. As it ate, Da Bai temporarily decided that Lin Murun was alright.
When Shen Xingzhi pushed the door open, the living room lights were still on, and Da Bai was curled up on the sofa, snoring. He guessed that the person helping with the cats had already come by.
Walking toward the second-floor study, Shen Xingzhi faintly heard the melodious strains of a violin drifting from the room. He raised his hand and knocked.
Lin Murun hadn't expected to cross paths with the stranger from the street again in Si Bin’s house. He lowered his bow and asked politely, "May I ask who you are?"
"Oh! It’s you, little handsome guy." Shen Xingzhi waved at him. "We meet again. You’re here to help my brother feed the cats, right?"
"Yes." Lin Murun nodded. "Am I disturbing you by being here?"
"No, no, I’m the one disturbing you," Shen Xingzhi explained. "I didn't know it was you playing; I thought someone had left music on."
Lin Murun looked at the instrument in his hand, puzzled. "I thought the soundproofing was quite good."
"The soundproofing is definitely good! Si Bin used to blast heavy metal in here. Even with my sharp ears, I only heard the violin because I was standing right at the door." Shen Xingzhi reached for the doorknob. "You keep practicing, don't mind me. I just came back to grab something and I'll be gone in a second."
"You don't live here?" Lin Murun asked.
"I don't," Shen Xingzhi explained. "I'm staying at a hotel."
After a moment of silence, Lin Murun asked, "Is it inconvenient for me to be here?"
"Not at all!" As Shen Xingzhi spoke, he let out a loud sneeze. "I'm allergic to cat hair."
Lin Murun: "..."
Shen Xingzhi sneezed several more times before stopping. "Really, I'm not kidding."
Da Bai, who had crept up to the top of the stairs, was startled by the noise and scurried back in a panic.
"See? I told you." Seeing the cat bolt, Shen Xingzhi sniffled and said, "Maybe I'm just a bit of a 'dog' person, so cats don't like me."
With that, he waved to Lin Murun. "Go back to your practice, ignore me."
"Alright..." Lin Murun handed him a tissue. "You should wipe your nose."
Shen Xingzhi had a thick skin; he didn't feel embarrassed even with a runny nose. He took the tissue naturally, pressed it to his nose, and said in a muffled voice, "Thanks."
"You're welcome."
Lin Murun closed the door and resumed his practice. Not long after, he heard the sound of cat claws scratching at the door. He opened it to find the house silent; Shen Xingzhi had likely already left.
Seeing a human, Xiao Bai zipped into the study. It jumped onto the desk with practiced ease, its round blue eyes staring curiously at Lin Murun.
"Do you want to listen?" Lin Murun asked.
Xiao Bai flicked its tail.
"The sound of a violin might be a bit loud for a cat," he told Xiao Bai. "If you find it noisy, you can run out."
***
Outside the house, Shen Xingzhi had just stepped out when he tapped on Si Bin’s profile and sent a message: *You’ve really grown up, haven't you? Not even a word to your brother.*
An hour and a half later, Lin Murun finished his practice for the day.
"I have to lock the study door now." He packed away his violin and carried Xiao Bai out of the room.
Xiao Bai let out a "meow."
"You can't go in there during the day. I'm afraid you'll knock the books onto the floor," Lin Murun explained.
Shen Xingzhi had left a lamp on in the living room before leaving. Lin Murun put Xiao Bai back in its bed and fed it a bit of nutritional gel. Da Bai, smelling food, also crowded over.
"Go easy on the kibble in the bowl," he said, scratching Da Bai’s chubby chin. "I'm leaving now. I'll come see you both tomorrow night."
The room fell into darkness. Xiao Bai crawled out of its bed and nimbly jumped onto the windowsill, quietly watching the youth walk away under the moonlight.
***
After the plane landed, Si Bin waited for his luggage at the carousel, finally finding the time to reply to Shen Xingzhi’s messages.
*What do you mean, grown up?*
Shen Xingzhi’s voice message popped up immediately.
"Your little boyfriend is at your house, and you didn't even tell me?"
*What little boyfriend?*
Si Bin thought for a moment and guessed that Shen Xingzhi must have run into Lin Murun.
*That’s my classmate. Don't talk nonsense.*
Shen Xingzhi chuckled. "Why play coy with your brother? Do you think I don't know who is allowed into your study?"
*It’s really not like that.* There were too many people around for a voice message, so Si Bin typed his explanation: *It’s unrequited love on my end. Please don't say anything reckless.*
This time, the wait was a bit longer. Shen Xingzhi sent a block of text.
"No wonder he was so polite to me. I thought the kid was just uncomfortable meeting 'family' for the first time."
*Yeah.* Worried, Si Bin asked another question: *You didn't say anything weird, did you?*
"I didn't say a thing," Shen Xingzhi replied. "The No. 1 Middle School Arts Festival is coming up, right? You used the cat-feeding as an excuse to trick him into your house—it's a bit too obvious. Aren't you afraid people will notice?"
*Is it obvious?* Si Bin asked. *I just thought it wasted too much of his time going to the music shop every day.*
"Oh," Shen Xingzhi said. "Self-deception."
*His mind isn't on those things.* Just as Si Bin finished replying, he saw his luggage come around the belt. *And I don't want to disturb him, so let's just leave it like this for now,* he added.
"I think you've already influenced his habits in some ways," Shen Xingzhi asked. "Since you've already 'disturbed' him, you don't plan on pursuing him?"
*We'll see.* Si Bin walked out of the airport. *Same-sex partners have to face more pressure and scrutiny, after all.*
"Do you care about those things?" Shen Xingzhi asked.
*I don't care, but I'm afraid he'll get hurt.* After typing this line, Si Bin didn't click send immediately. He stared at Shen Xingzhi’s question for a long time, eventually deleting every single character in the text box.
When Shen Xingzhi came out, Si Bin was still in elementary school. At that time, his parents' marriage was on the brink of collapse. For a long period, young Si Bin stayed at his uncle’s house, witnessing the daily conflicts between his uncle and his cousin. Si Bin couldn't fully understand the content of their arguments back then, but he knew his cousin, Shen Xingzhi, had fallen in love with someone he "shouldn't" have.
His aunt cried every day, visiting the principal several times to try and arrange a school transfer for Shen Xingzhi.
"I'm not going anywhere." The usually optimistic and cheerful Shen Xingzhi had suddenly become prickly. He looked at Si Bin hiding behind the bedroom door, then turned to his parents. "Let's talk outside. Don't argue in front of the child."
Si Bin didn't know what they discussed that day, but in the end, Shen Xingzhi stayed at No. 1 Middle School. His uncle cut off his allowance and kicked him out of the house.
Later, when Si Bin took the living expenses his grandfather had secretly tucked away to find Shen Xingzhi at school, he found that his cousin's photo was no longer on the honor roll.
The security guard didn't know who Shen Xingzhi was and blocked Si Bin at the gate. "No, you can't go in. Just wait here for them to finish class."
A passing teacher saw him and asked, "Little boy, who are you looking for?"
"I'm looking for Shen Xingzhi. He's a student in Class 1, Grade 11 Science Stream," Si Bin replied.
The teacher's expression became subtle.
He waited at the school gate for a long time that day until the final bell rang.
"Gege!" As Si Bin waved to Shen Xingzhi, he noticed another person beside his cousin.
"Let me introduce you. This is my younger brother, Si Bin. And this..." Shen Xingzhi looked at the tall boy beside him and smiled at Si Bin. "This is my boyfriend, Bei Fan."
To be honest, Si Bin’s first impression of Bei Fan wasn't great—and it had nothing to do with looks. A child's logic was simple: it was because of Bei Fan that Shen Xingzhi was isolated by others and scolded by his family.
"Sorry, my brother is a bit shy," Shen Xingzhi explained to Bei Fan with a smile when Si Bin remained silent.
"It's okay," Bei Fan said kindly. "There's plenty of time. We'll eventually become good friends."
Bei Fan and Shen Xingzhi were indeed together for a very long time, but in the end, Si Bin never became his friend.
Just last year, Bei Fan got married and had a child. Shen Xingzhi, far away in Country M, was kept in the dark for an entire year, only discovering the truth recently. Their passionate relationship, which had seemed ready to take on the world, ended with a far-from-perfect period.
Si Bin had imagined more than once: what if Shen Xingzhi had never come out? Would things have had a completely different ending? Shen Xingzhi had endured countless criticisms and cold shoulders, only for the outcome to feel like a joke.
What if this happened to Lin Murun?
Si Bin didn't dare to think about it.
Lin Murun should have a peaceful and stable high school life. He should have a group of friends who might not be perfectly in sync but were kind-hearted. In his spare time, he should practice the violin or read books. He should live in the sunlight, not be whispered about behind his back like Shen Xingzhi was.
Furthermore, Si Bin didn't know Lin Murun’s sexual orientation. He didn't dare to confess recklessly, fearing he would become a soft thorn driven into Lin Murun’s heart.
Yet, he couldn't help but want to be good to him, because Lin Murun was different to Si Bin.
Carrying this contradictory mindset, Si Bin stood at Airport Exit A for a long time.
*You're right, I should keep my distance,* Si Bin unlocked his phone, which had automatically timed out, and replied: *I do care quite a bit about what others think.*
"Young man, you only get one first love. Don't live with regrets," Shen Xingzhi sent this final message and then went silent.
Seventeen or eighteen should be an age of high spirits—confessing loudly when in love, laughing wildly when happy. The fatigue and worries of the adult world should have nothing to do with this age.
But that was only if the relationship could be accepted by the world.
Si Bin scrolled through his photo album and saw a bird's-eye view he had taken before the plane landed. Through the hazy clouds, the city lights below looked gentle and quiet. Above the plane was a sky full of stars, and below were the lights of ten thousand homes, as if burning fragments of stars had splashed onto the earth, connecting into sheets of brilliance.
Si Bin had taken many such photos. After careful filtering, he had kept only this one. He had originally intended to send it to Lin Murun, but just now, that thought had been extinguished.
Si Bin’s finger brushed the screen. After several moments of hesitation, he chose to delete the photo.
"Going to the city?" he asked a taxi driver waiting near the airport as he put his phone away.
"Sure am. Hop in, handsome," the driver said, stubbing out a cigarette.
As the car started, Si Bin opened the photo Gao Yuan had sent him once more. The boy playing the violin and the lights outside the floor-to-ceiling window made his gaze soften.
*This is good enough,* Si Bin thought.
Lin Murun’s eyes would always remain as clean and clear as they were in the photo. In a few months, he would get into a good university, then meet a good girl, find a respectable job, and start his own family.
Si Bin lowered his phone and thought: *And I only need to watch you from afar, until the day I no longer love you.*
Cars sped past the window.
Si Bin and Lin Murun would be like cars on the road—briefly intersecting, then going their separate ways.
*You will never know that I loved you.*
*I will be the only one who remembers that in the summer of my freshman year, I met a boy in white, standing before a glass window, playing the violin.*
*That’s perfectly fine, too.*
Si Bin closed his eyes, comforting himself.
***
