The next morning, I went for my usual morning run, but Ling Xiao was nowhere to be seen on the track. I figured he was probably exhausted after everything that happened yesterday and deserved the extra sleep. Since I was already there, I might as well run.
A morning without Ling Xiao felt strangely unfamiliar. I finished five laps in one go, realizing that I no longer ended up panting for breath like I used to. I looked up at the sky, a vast and silent pale blue. Over by the dorms, people were just starting to stir. I thought back to how I used to be the last one dragged out of bed, yet for the sake of catching up to Ling Xiao, I had managed to kick a habit I thought would last a lifetime. I was actually willing to crawl out of my warm blankets just to climb an iceberg.
Ling Xiao didn't show up until training officially began. At noon, while we were changing in the locker room, I invited him to the cafeteria. He snapped his locker shut and didn't even look back. "I have things to do. Go by yourself."
"It’s fine, I’ll wait for you."
"Can't you eat a meal without me?"
I almost laughed at the sheer frustration of it. Then again, he always had a way of speaking that could drive a person to an early grave; I was long used to it. I shrugged it off and headed to the cafeteria with Lao Qi and Big Fatty.
However, Ling Xiao never showed up at the cafeteria, and he didn't attend the afternoon training session either. It wasn't just me who found it strange; Lao Qi and Big Fatty were baffled too. Ling Xiao never missed training. He was the team’s gold standard with a perfect attendance record—how could he just skip? Yet Lao Hu clearly knew something, as he didn't even ask us where Ling Xiao was.
Feeling uneasy, I went to Lao Hu’s office after training. Outside the door, I overheard Zhang Ting asking for leave. Lao Hu was sighing with the disappointment of a teacher whose students just won't listen. "One after another, everyone’s asking for leave. Fine, speak up. What’s your excuse this time?"
So Ling Xiao *had* taken leave?
Zhang Ting explained that his sister was in the hospital. She and his brother-in-law were going through a divorce, and he was worried no one would look after her. He wanted three days off to stay at the hospital.
"Three days? What kind of illness requires you to watch over her for three days?"
Zhang Ting said it was acute gastritis.
Lao Hu gave the laugh of someone who had seen it all. "Don't worry. I used to get acute gastritis all the time. It’s not that serious. I’ll give you one day. Be back before tomorrow afternoon’s training."
I rolled my eyes. I knew it. To a stingy old man like Lao Hu, the Olympic dream was like a cake that had to be sliced into equal portions for every single day. Giving even one day was considered generous for him.
I expected Zhang Ting, with his personality, to just quietly accept it. To my surprise, he stayed rooted in the office, stammering that while it was just gastritis, his sister’s mental state was poor because of the divorce and she needed someone there.
Lao Hu’s tone turned stern. "Zhang Ting, do you realize you’re in the national team’s training camp? I can give you a day for a sick sister, and you can see her on Sunday, but three days? You can't afford to miss a single day of training right now. Think carefully—do you still want to stay on this team?"
I hated it when Lao Hu pulled that card. I banged on the door and shouted, "Reporting!"
Lao Hu looked up and saw it was me, his face souring instantly. "What is it?"
"Coach, I think you should give Zhang Ting the leave!" I said.
"You think?" Lao Hu crushed his cigarette into the ashtray. "Have you won an Olympic gold? A World Championship gold? What right do you have to 'think' anything? I 'think' you should go do some frog hops right now!"
Fine, keep talking like that, and I’ll make sure I win that gold! I argued, "Everyone has different priorities. To you, even if your own father had acute gastritis, you’d pass your front door three times without entering because the national team’s honor comes first." Seeing Lao Hu roll up his sleeves, I hurried to add, "There’s nothing wrong with that! I’m the same. Compared to a once-in-four-years Olympic dream, acute gastritis is nothing! But not everyone prioritizes the Olympics above all else. For some people, there are things more important than dreams."
"Qiao Mai, you think your wings are strong enough to lecture me now? Did I say the national team is more important than family? I said his sister only has gastritis! He needs to know how to weigh his priorities!"
"You think gastritis is nothing, but his sister is in a bad place mentally. She needs someone to talk her through it. What if she can't handle it and jumps off a building... Ah, Zhang Ting, don't mind me, I’m just making an example! Right, Coach Hu? Society is complicated these days, and the pressure to survive is huge. If everyone could just show a little more care..."
"Shut up," Lao Hu cut me off like a blunt instrument. "Look at you, your teeth haven't even fully grown in yet, and you’re talking about 'society being complicated.' What do you know about complicated?" His tone had softened significantly, though. Sure enough, he turned back to Zhang Ting. "Three days it is. Starting from today. You must be back by the night of the day after tomorrow."
Zhang Ting thanked him repeatedly. Before leaving, he gave me a look of deep gratitude. I winked at him: *No problem, we’re in the same boat, it’s only right.*
After Zhang Ting left, Lao Hu got up to make tea. Turning around to see me still standing there, he unceremoniously gave me a kick. "What are you still standing here for?"
I brushed off my pant leg and put on a bright smile. "Coach, did Ling Xiao take leave too? What did he go do?"
Lao Hu took a slow sip of tea. "I sent him off to practice foil."
"What?!!"
"What’s with the 'what'? Do you have a brain? You believe everything I say? If I said a talent scout scouted him to be an idol, would you believe that too?"
"Why wouldn't I? It sounds very convincing..."
"You’re just a sucker for a pretty face! Chasing after Ling Xiao all day long... did you come to the national team to compete or to... forget it, forget it. Ling Xiao took half a day off. Said he was visiting a friend in the hospital. He’ll be back tonight." Lao Hu sat back behind his desk and waved me away impatiently. "Alright, get lost. I have work to do..."
Visiting a friend in the hospital? Dammit, could it be Xiao Guan? I knew it—with Ling Xiao’s quiet, stubborn streak, if he slashed someone and didn't let them slash him back, he wouldn't be able to let it go!
Lao Hu was on the phone in his swivel chair. I slammed both hands onto his desk. "Coach, you—you—you have to call him back right now!"
Lao Hu turned to glare at me. "Why haven't you gotten lost yet?"
"I’m serious," I said, spinning him and his chair around to face me. "If you don't call him back, half your Olympic dream is going down the drain!"
Lao Hu narrowed his eyes, scrutinizing me. "Qiao Mai, what exactly are you and Ling Xiao hiding from me?"
"Don't ask yet. Just call him. He’ll definitely listen to you. Otherwise, he might come back crippled!"
"He looks perfectly fine to me. You’re the one who looks like you’ve gone mad." As Lao Hu spoke, his gaze shifted past me. "You’re back?"
I turned around. Ling Xiao was standing at the door. He walked in and said to Lao Hu, "I’m here to report back from leave."
After checking back in, Ling Xiao left immediately. I chased after him. He was waiting for the elevator. Seeing no one else around, I asked in a low voice, "Did you go see Xiao Guan?"
"If you already know, don't ask."
The elevator doors opened. Ling Xiao walked in, and I followed. He closed the doors and faced the control panel. After a long silence, he said coldly, "He was very understanding. I regret not going to apologize sooner."
I breathed a small sigh of relief. He didn't seem to be lying. He actually seemed a bit huffy about it. I felt a pang of guilt, but I couldn't help trying to explain myself. "I’m sorry... I was just worried it would affect your future, so I came up with that bad idea..."
Before I could finish, the floor beneath us jolted violently. I instinctively grabbed the elevator wall.
Ling Xiao had pressed the emergency stop. The red indicator light flickered. I looked at his back, bewildered. Right now, the sound of his heavy breathing was more nerve-wracking than the sudden stop of the elevator.
"Qiao Mai, I considered you a friend before this, but don't you think you're interfering too much?"
"Huh?"
Ling Xiao turned to face me. "Looking back now, when I went to work, you had to follow. When I went to compete, you had to watch. When I wanted to apologize, you used my future to threaten me. Tell me, is this how a friend acts?"
His deep voice was full of oppressive weight in the cramped space. I stood there like a wooden statue. On one hand, I couldn't help but wonder if I really had been that overbearing; on the other, I didn't understand why he seemed like a completely different person after just one day. But given the atmosphere, I just wanted to apologize quickly. "I’m sorry. I guess I did overstep. I’ll be more careful in the future..."
"Does it feel bad?"
"Eh?"
"Being trapped in an elevator with me like this—how does it feel? You lied to me before, saying you had claustrophobia. It seems you don't."
"I wasn't lying," I said, having no idea why he was bringing this up. God knows I was overflowing with grievances. "I was just lying to Lao Qi..."
"You were lying to Lao Qi, but I was the one who ran back halfway to open the door for you," Ling Xiao said grimly. "Even if you don't have claustrophobia, being shut in with me like this all day would drive you mad. Who would like being managed like this at every turn, watched every second? How is this any different from being in solitary confinement?"
I never imagined he saw me that way. "No! What are you thinking? I only did that because..."
*Because I like you! Because I like you, I worry about you! Who told you to always be alone, to keep everything bottled up and tell no one? I 'manage' you? I’d love to manage you, but would you even let me? I 'watch' you? All I ever see is your back! I’m pretty desperate too, having fallen for an unfeeling, mercurial robot!*
The words were on the tip of my tongue, but I held them back. I shouldn't dodge responsibility. Regardless of the reason—whether it was liking him or worrying about him—it seemed I really had unintentionally burdened him. With the big competition approaching, everyone from Lao Hu to the rest of us was under invisible pressure every day, not to mention Ling Xiao had all that underground match nonsense to deal with. He had probably just reached a breaking point. I took a deep breath and told myself: *He’s human too. I should be understanding.*
Who told me to fall for this guy? I didn't want to fight with him at all, especially not when I was preparing to confess.
"Fine," I said, trying my best to smile. "I know you’ve been under a lot of pressure these past few days. Let’s not talk about these unhappy things. How about we sneak out tonight? Find an internet cafe or a bar to relax?"
Ling Xiao probably hadn't expected me to deflect his anger so easily. He looked dazed for a long time. "You think that just because of this, I would..."
I waited to hear what he would "just because of this," but he stopped. Without another word, he turned and pressed the elevator button.
The elevator began to descend again. Ling Xiao stood before the door, his right hand pressed against the panel above the buttons. His hand was far from relaxed, as if it were supporting his entire body weight. Only then did I realize something was truly wrong. Ling Xiao might be hard to read, but he wasn't the type to nitpick over small things with me, and his stress tolerance certainly wasn't lower than mine. Suddenly, I remembered Li Xin’s phone call and thought I’d found the root of the problem.
"...Ling Xiao, you’ve been acting strange these past two days. What exactly happened the day of the match?"
The elevator reached the first floor. Ling Xiao lowered his hand from the panel and spoke in a tone that was eerily calm:
"I’m not acting strange. You’re the one who’s strange. You should know that yourself."
The doors opened, and he walked out without a backward glance. I felt as if a bullet had been fired right in front of me, leaving me unable to take a single step.
***
I will always remember what Ling Xiao said before leaving the elevator. Because he said it so clearly, it made all our previous ambiguous moments feel like nothing more than my own wishful thinking. I had overthought everything. Why did I ever imagine he would accept my confession?
For the next two days, I was in a daze. I only snapped out of it when I saw him, at which point I would immediately scramble to avoid him. Sometimes I watched him from afar, wondering how I could like this person so much. Perhaps the filter of unrequited love was so thick that it made me forget he was, at his core, a man so cold it was frightening. My tendency to lose my nerve whenever I was in front of him wasn't without reason.
In the past, I would always lose my nerve, only to be moved again by some tiny bit of accidental tenderness he showed. But thinking back, could that really be called tenderness? It was just... slightly less cold than usual. Because he was normally so frigid, those rare moments when he wasn't felt like enough to keep me mindlessly infatuated for a long time.
Fortunately, this time, I had finally, completely lost my nerve.
It was incredible, really. Someone I had been so infatuated with, someone I had summoned all my courage to chase after, could become a total stranger overnight. But it wasn't that surprising, considering it was Ling Xiao. He was so cold that if he wanted to cut ties with someone, he’d do it with a sword and never hesitate.
Everything seemed to return to how it was when I first joined the team. I hung out with Lao Qi and Big Fatty, while Ling Xiao remained the aloof, solitary captain and team heartthrob. Only in the dead of night, when I tossed and turned, would I wonder if he felt lonely, or if he felt even a tiny bit of regret.
Since we were on the same team, we saw each other constantly. I spent my days dodging him like a mouse, while he moved like a ghost of a cat. It was only on the weekend, when I saw Yi-taitai, that my mood finally improved.
After I’d given him a few pointers, Yi-taitai was getting better and better at handling Zheng Junlai. During a break, he didn't forget to come over and claim credit. "So? How did your disciple perform?"
"Needless to say, a famous master produces a brilliant student," I said.
"The student surpasses the master~"
"...That’s still a long way off."
"By the way, how’s your confession going?" Yi-taitai sat down beside me to drink some water, his brow furrowing with sharp intuition. "It’s been a month, right? You must be a master at the guitar by now."
I’d almost forgotten. I still hadn't decided what to do with that guitar. "Do you want to learn guitar? I’ll give it to you."
"Why give it to me? Have you already confessed?" Yi-taitai’s frown deepened. "...Is the result not optimistic?"
I tilted my head back and sniffed, giving a bitter laugh. "What counts as 'not optimistic'? Is being loathed by him before I even get to confess considered optimistic or not?"
Yi-taitai stared at me, mouth agape. "...Holy shit, Xiao Mai-zi, you’re about to cry!"
My face flushed. "Don't talk nonsense! I’m clearly laughing!"
"You look like you’re wearing a funeral mask!" Yi-taitai leaned in close, his face set as if facing a great enemy. "How did Ling Xiao bully you? Tell your Yi-taitai, and I’ll go settle the score for you!"
"Only you would actually accept a nickname like Yi-taitai..." I looked at him, caught between laughter and tears.
Yi-taitai smiled slightly. "Do you want to tell me about it? Whatever it is, you’ll feel better if you let it out."
I hesitated, but in the end, a sense of unprecedented grievance won out. I told him everything, from start to finish, holding nothing back. After keeping it bottled up for so long, pouring it all out at once did make me feel better.
"...He really said that to you?"
"Yeah," I nodded. "I can practically recite his tone from memory. I really do think too much, don't I? I thought I was testing the waters, but I completely misread him..."
Yi-taitai was silent for a moment. "How did you 'test' him back then?"
"There’s no point in talking about that now. I don't want to bring it up."
"Fine, we won't!" Yi-taitai threw an arm around my shoulder. "There are plenty more fish in the sea. Come on, let’s go out for karaoke tonight. I’ll introduce you to some great guys~"
"Forget about your 'guys.' Most of them aren't decent. I’m not into one-night stands."
"Then what type do you like? I’ll scout for you! Don't look down on my social circle; I have plenty of decent young masters for you to pick from!"
What type did I like...
How should I put it? The kind with a particularly strong inner world, someone like ice, like snow, like mist... the kind that makes me lose my nerve the moment I’m in front of him...
"Ah, I want to cry!!" The more I thought about it, the sadder I got. I turned and buried my face in Yi-taitai’s small shoulder.
"It’s okay, it’s okay. Just lean on your Yi-taitai and have a good cry. Let’s stop thinking about Ling Xiao. What’s so good about him anyway? He doesn't like you but flirts with you all day—men who love playing ambiguous games are the most unreliable. You’re so great, Xiao Mai-zi. Your smile is so fun; you’re practically a walking meme. He’s the one who doesn't deserve you!"
"He wasn't flirting with me. I just misread the situation..."
"Fine, fine, you misread it. Who hasn't misread a situation before? Don't cry. We won't misread it ever again, okay?" Yi-taitai patted my back like a nagging mother.
I didn't actually cry, of course; I was beyond tears. But having such a lovely "mother figure" to coax me helped. Yi-taitai was so petite, yet he had to comfort a guy who was 184cm tall. It was a miracle I didn't knock him over.
So be it. There are plenty more fish in the sea. I understood that logic.
***
