I kept reflecting: what exactly went wrong? Was there something wrong with the way I pursued him? Why did he refuse to accept me when he clearly had feelings for me too? Am I really so bad that someone wouldn't dare want me even if they liked me? To hell with being a "committed singleton"—I’ve never seen a "singleton" act like you!
The next morning, I was slapped awake by Lao Qi hitting my backside.
"Holy crap, don't you go for a morning run every day? What time do you think it is? You're still sleeping?"
I buried my head under the pillow. "I'm not doing morning runs anymore..."
"I knew it," Lao Qi rolled his eyes at me. "No perseverance."
"I didn't say I wasn't running..." I glared at him through a slit in the pillow, my eyes bleary with sleep. "I'm switching to evening runs."
I rolled over and went back to sleep. It had taken a lot of effort to build a running habit; I couldn't let it fall apart because of this. My physical stamina had improved significantly over the past six months, and it would be a waste to give up halfway. I was just afraid of running into him during the morning sessions.
On Sunday evening, I ran alone on the track. Occasionally, I still felt as if Ling Xiao was watching me from somewhere, yet every time I stopped, I only saw the track stretching out under the twilight. The evening track was a passionate gold, like it was my home turf, while the morning track was a lonely blue—Ling Xiao’s domain. We ran on the same path, but our lives would never intersect again.
As I ran, the feeling suddenly became unbearable. I gritted my teeth and broke into a wild sprint. The red track fell away behind me, replaced by a wooded path. Shards of golden light were whipped onto my body by the wind, leaving me breathless and exhilarated.
I didn't stop until the high perimeter wall of the base blocked my path.
I remembered how he had leaped onto the top of this wall like a cat, crouching there and debating whether or not to pull me up. The hazy moonlight had been behind him, and I had looked up at him as if seeing a "Poker Face" character stepped right out of a novel—so mysterious, and so incredibly attractive to me.
Come to think of it, how did he jump up there that day?
I tried to mimic his movements. Perhaps because I had been doing so much extra training lately and had observed him so closely, my feet were much more agile and light. I actually managed to leap up without much effort.
Straddling the top of the wall, I hopped over and left the base without a second thought. I wandered aimlessly down the mountain, passing the shed where we used to lock our bikes and the bus stop where we waited together. By the time I reached the main road teeming with traffic, I realized I was still wearing my workout clothes and hadn't brought my wallet or phone.
Half an hour later, I found myself standing in the bar district. With no money on me, I couldn't even buy a drink to drown my sorrows; I could only wander around, soaking in the atmosphere of neon lights and wine to ease my boredom.
A car horn honked behind me. I turned around to see "The Concubine" poking his head out of his little Volkswagen Beetle. "Qiao Mai? What are you doing here?"
Concubine, you are literally my savior!
I asked him if he had finally moved on from his heartbreak and why he was still hanging around bars. To me, bars were now places meant only for the heartbroken and the frustrated.
"I'm used to coming here every weekend for a drink and a chat with Calvin. Don't worry, your Concubine isn't that fragile. It's been ages; I'm not drowning my sorrows anymore. What about you?" He looked at my athletic gear. "Did you sleepwalk here?"
I stood tall and proud. "I've been dumped."
***
I had nothing to hide from The Concubine. I sat on a high stool at the bar, sipping a variety of fancy cocktails I’d never tried before. Calvin was much more reliable than Ling Xiao; whatever drink I asked for, he served, and he didn't hold back on the alcohol content.
I downed glass after glass. My mind was filled with the look in Ling Xiao’s eyes when he rejected me. That socially inept, icy-faced stoic had actually shown such a soft gaze after hearing my guitar and my song. It had been so encouraging. To be rejected by someone with that kind of look—how could I possibly accept it?
If it were anyone else, if they kissed me and then told me to stay away, I’d think they were insane. But Ling Xiao wasn't just anyone. He was exactly the type who could kiss you and then cruelly push you away. It was my bad luck to fall for him.
I don't remember what The Concubine said to me. I just remember him hiding my glass every so often. I spent the whole time searching for it until my vision blurred and I face-planted onto the bar.
Having succeeded in his scheme, The Concubine tried to comfort me. "There are plenty of fish in the sea, Qiao Mai. You have an internal match tomorrow, don't you? Stop drinking and go back early."
"I can beat him even when I'm drunk! Have you heard of Drunken Sword?!" I protested. "Do you know what he said? He said he's always been going easy on me. Who the hell wants him to go easy? Isn't that just a massive load of crap? The third time, I was clearly the one going easy on him, okay? And even then, he still lost. What does that prove? It proves that even if we both pull our punches, I can still beat him!"
"Right, right, right. You can win! You're the best! Simply amazing!"
The Concubine gave me two mindless slaps on the cheek and then turned away to make a phone call. I clutched my face in anger, grabbed his phone, and slammed it onto the bar. "Can't you just focus on listening to me? That's... that's so disrespectful!"
"Fine, fine, I'll respect you. Talk, talk. I'll listen to whatever you say!"
"Tomorrow, I'm going to leave him with nothing. Who told him to flirt with me like that? If you don't like me, just spit on me and tell me to get lost. If I, Qiao Mai, don't leave gracefully, I'll change my damn name!"
"He's your teammate, after all. He didn't want to embarrass you..."
"Why do you keep looking at your phone? ...I get it. Do you have a new lover already?" I pointed at The Concubine and laughed knowingly, though I felt a pang of envy. Love comes fast, like a whirlwind. I patted his shoulder—somehow knocking him down a few inches in the process—then pulled him back up and said solemnly, "Then your brother here wishes you the best! I'm fine on my own. I'll have two more drinks and then head out. Don't worry about me; go seize your second spring!" I pushed him off his seat. "Remember, if that person treats you badly, come find me. After all, we were 'married' in name if not in fact!"
"Qiao Mai, have some mercy. This is a gay bar. You're standing out too much..."
"A gay bar is exactly where I should be complaining! If I went to a normal bar to complain about being dumped by a man, where would my dignity be? Fine, fine, I'll stop complaining. Put today's drinks on my tab, I'll pay you back another day. Go on..."
My brain felt sluggish. I rested my chin on the bar, twirling the thin stem of my wine glass. As I turned it ninety degrees to the right, a white figure suddenly appeared in the reflection on the polished glass—a shirt whiter than snow, a meticulously buttoned collar, straight black trousers. He looked like a magnificent tree covered in a layer of frost, both upright and bright. I thought to myself, *I'm doomed, I'm hallucinating now.* But since it was a hallucination, I figured I might as well enjoy it. However, no matter how I turned the glass, I couldn't see his face clearly.
"Mai-zi," The Concubine, who had already left, suddenly returned. "Say those things you said earlier one more time, as a show of resolve!"
"Show of resolve... fine!" I stared at the hallucination of Ling Xiao on the glass, sniffled, and said, "Ling Xiao..."
As I called out that name, the noise of the bar seemed to vanish. I brought the glass closer to my eyes, staring at the reflection, and said word by word:
"Ling Xiao, you're a total idiot. I've liked you since I was fifteen. All these years, I've been chasing and chasing, and what did you do? Do you know how long I practiced the guitar? Every day after training, I'd come back tired as a dog, and I still had to 'dog-paddle' through the guitar strings... And that endorsement deal—to be honest, I didn't care about it at all. If it weren't for you, I wouldn't have bothered endorsing that phone. It's such an ugly phone, and the approval process took forever... I even deboned fish for you. I've never even deboned fish for Auntie Tian. I was just afraid that if I did, she'd fall in love with me. She said I'm most charming when I'm focused on deboning fish... Do you know why I was afraid she'd fall in love with me? ...Because I couldn't love her back.
"In my whole life, you're the only person I've ever liked. You say you're a singleton, okay, then don't come and bite me! You bit me and then you rejected me—how am I supposed to make sense of that?" I slumped against the bar. "If it were you, could you make sense of it...?"
The image on the glass seemed to move closer to me. I wanted to see it more clearly, but the glass was taken away—steadily removed by a fair, slender hand. I knew it wasn't The Concubine's hand; his hands had a bit of baby fat. It was probably Calvin's. These bar servers all had nice-looking hands, just like Ling Xiao's. It was just a pity that there would never be a second Ling Xiao in this world.
***
When I woke up, I was greeted by the familiar ceiling. How many times had this happened now? I lifted my head only to collapse back down under the weight of a hangover. The headache reminded me that what happened at the bar wasn't a dream. I asked Lao Qi, who was just coming out of the bathroom, "Lao Qi, how did I get back?"
"No idea. When Big Fatty and I got back last night, you were already lying on the bed, smelling like a brewery."
Good god, did The Concubine bring me back? He's so delicate; he must have been falling apart after lugging me all the way here! I quickly dialed his number.
The phone rang and rang, but no one picked up. Lao Qi patted my bed. "If you're awake, get up. Don't you have a match today? Can you handle Ling Xiao?"
I slid off the bed and nearly landed on my butt. My feet felt like they were floating; how was I supposed to handle him!
I rinsed my mouth three times and took a shower before I finally washed off the smell of alcohol. We had to gather for a morning run and physical training. Looking at the 400-meter track, my stomach did a somersault. Coach Hu had Ling Xiao lead us in the warm-up run. I stole a glance at Ling Xiao; he looked like he was in good shape. Thinking about that only made the plight of unrequited love feel more pathetic.
I didn't want him to smell the alcohol on me, so I sniffed myself again. Once I was sure there was no scent left, I joined the line. Lao Qi whispered, asking if I wanted to ask Ling Xiao for a leave of absence. I was too embarrassed to even open my mouth, terrified he’d find even a hint that I’d been out drinking. Getting rejected after a confession was humiliating enough; if he knew I’d gone out to get wasted, I’d lose every last shred of dignity. I shook my head and said I was fine, then sluggishly started running with the group.
Before long, I was at the very back. A metallic taste surged up my throat. I stopped, clutching my knees, and with a gag, I threw up. It was all alcohol.
As I was retching, a hand landed on my back, pressing down on my shoulder as if trying to steady me. My instinct was to twist away and say I was fine, but the hand held firm. I turned around—it was Ling Xiao.
He looked at my pathetic state and frowned. "Go rest over there."
I thought of my heartfelt confession, of how I’d hallucinated his face in a glass at the bar. But the real Ling Xiao was standing before me now, and his indifferent face was a constant reminder: it was useless. He wouldn't accept me. I didn't know why, but he was a man of stone who never went back on his word.
I didn't say anything, nor did I go to rest. I didn't know what I wanted to do; I was just stubborn and didn't want to listen to him. But acting out like this wasn't manly either, so I turned around and bent over again. "I still want to puke. Leave me alone."
Clutching my churning stomach and burning heart, I crouched by the track, waiting for a wave of nausea that wouldn't come. Finally, the silence behind me returned. I breathed a sigh of relief and prepared to stand up and leave, but when I turned, I saw Ling Xiao still standing right behind me. He hadn't moved an inch.
Now it was my turn to be embarrassed. I didn't know what he was playing at.
"Finished throwing up?" Ling Xiao asked.
I could only mutter a "Yeah."
"Then follow me."
"Where to?" I asked. "Aren't we doing physicals?"
Ling Xiao didn't answer. Instead, he called out to Lao Qi, who was heading our way. "Lao Qi, you lead them through the rest of the physical training."
Lao Qi glanced at me with a look of disgust and replied, "Got it."
Ling Xiao gave me a look as well and started walking. I had no choice but to follow.
He ended up taking me to the cafeteria.
"Sit."
I sat down, watching as Ling Xiao brought over breakfast and set it on my table.
"...Thanks." As a captain, he really was beyond reproach.
I drank a glass of hot water first and felt much better. I only hoped he wouldn't ask why I was vomiting, and especially not why I was vomiting pure alcohol.
After the water, I lowered my head to eat my congee. Ling Xiao sat at the next table, right beside me, with only a narrow aisle between us. I looked down and saw his white sneakers and black trouser cuffs. I didn't dare look up, feeling both awkward and guilty.
"If you can't handle today's match, I'll ask the coach to cancel it," Ling Xiao said.
"No need," I said, forcing a smile. I didn't want him to think he was responsible for my current state. "I just ate something bad last night. I'll be fine after a little rest. I can still fence you."
"Qiao Mai..."
I heard his voice soften and knew it was a bad sign. I quickly interrupted him. "Don't overthink it. I'm the type who can let things go. In my world, fencing is still the most important thing." I spoke while eating my congee. "When a person has dreams and something to rely on, they learn to be open-minded."
*Open-minded, my ass,* I thought with a bitter smile.
Ling Xiao didn't say anything else. I stubbornly finished that bowl of egg-drop congee in the awkward silence. When I was done, I couldn't help but think: this was probably the last time he would ever accompany me for breakfast.
***
The opponents for the internal matches were always set by Coach Hu, usually pairing two people of similar skill. If someone’s skill improved significantly, the pairings would be rearranged. So, I was quite surprised to find that my opponent this time was someone else.
I assumed Ling Xiao had fulfilled his duties as captain by telling Coach Hu about my condition and requesting a change. Now I was in for it; Coach Hu would definitely come after me. I figured it was better to go and confess my sins first. However, when I reached Coach Hu’s office after the match, I heard him asking someone inside:
"How's your waist injury? Why haven't I heard you mention it before?"
"It's just a bit uncomfortable, nothing serious. But it would be a bit much to fence Qiao Mai right now." It was Ling Xiao’s voice.
Coach Hu was silent for a moment, sounding skeptical. "Fine. Remember to go to the infirmary. At this stage, any injury must be nipped in the bud."
Ling Xiao said he would. Seeing that he was about to come out, I pressed myself against the wall to hide, but then I heard Coach Hu call him back:
"Is it really not because of that kid Qiao Mai?"
"Of course not."
"If it's 'of course not,' then why do you pull your punches every time you fence him? Are you planning to keep going easy on him when you're on the actual competition floor?"
"I know what I'm doing."
"Ling Xiao! ...Do you think I'm telling you this for your sake? Since Qiao Mai joined the team, he's been way too full of himself. He thinks he's God's gift to fencing. He hasn't faced any real setbacks—do you think that kind of overconfidence is a good thing? What exactly do you think of him? Why are you always letting him win?"
My heart was in turmoil. I had thought Ling Xiao went easy on me because he was saving his energy for his underground matches.
"Coach, Qiao Mai is the kind of athlete who grows through praise. Only positive reinforcement can motivate him to improve." Ling Xiao’s voice was calm and steady, sounding even more persuasive than Coach Hu’s. "If he's dealt too heavy a blow, he might never recover."
"You brat, what makes you think you—"
"Because I know him," Ling Xiao said.
He left after that, never noticing me hiding in the hallway. My heart felt cold. When Ling Xiao said I couldn't handle a setback and that was why he went easy on me, God knows how much I wanted to scoff at the idea.
But now? Was I not exactly as he described—unable to handle the blow?
---
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Point to Point: The Fencer’s Heart | Chapter 47 | The Truth Behind the Mercy | Novela.app | Novela.app
