With the experience gained from gifting her clothes several times before, Xu Qiuchi felt a sense of certainty and ease as he selected a change of attire for Qin Jiuye.
The material did not need to be the most expensive, but it had to be comfortable and light—ideally durable enough to withstand wear and tear. After all, that woman lived a life of such hardship and caution that expensive silks would only be a burden to her.
When Liu Caiwu came to collect the clothes, he was somewhat surprised, but he handed them over without asking questions, only to secretly follow her afterward.
One could never learn anything by asking directly; it was better to hear with his own ears what secrets they were keeping from him.
He listened with rapt attention, even forgetting to wave the folding fan in his hand, until no more voices drifted from the other side of the wall.
The courtyard fell silent once more. Only the General’s quarters remained lit.
His elder brother had first studied the items left by Li Qingdao with his adjutant, then plunged into their father’s courtyard and had not emerged since. Xu Qiuchi did not know if it was a blessing or a curse that his brother had not heard any of this.
After a long while, he finally stepped back. Scratching a mosquito bite on his neck, he headed toward the pond shrouded in the night.
It had been a long time since he had eavesdropped on others in his own home. He hadn't intended to do so just now; he had simply been passing that familiar corner when, for some reason, memories of his childhood resurfaced, causing his feet to stop of their own accord.
For a long time after moving to Jiugao, he had felt that this courtyard was often deathly silent, devoid of life. Even trouble and conflict were nowhere to be seen. Later, he realized it was because all matters, large and small, were intercepted by his father and Aunt Huaiyu. They would often close the doors and windows for long discussions, and as the days passed, his brother gradually joined them. Only he was kept outside, left to be a child playing in the mud.
But he was clearly not that kind of child.
His eyes always saw the minute details; his ears always caught the faintest sounds. His heart was far more sensitive and prone to worry than other children his age. After his mother passed away, a deep-seated unease from the depths of his soul constantly haunted him.
Eventually, he discovered that perfect eavesdropping spot—hidden beside the rockery behind the pond. It was very secluded; when it rained, the splashing in the pond provided cover. If he were unlucky enough to be discovered, he would pretend to be feeding the fish, which worked most of the time.
In the years following his mother’s death, he often lingered near that spot, sometimes hiding there for an entire day.
One night, the Qiu Manor welcomed a guest who visited by lamplight. Unable to sleep, he had come barefoot to listen.
The guest’s surname was Zhou, reportedly the youngest Supervisor in Xiangliang at the time. He spoke with a very gentle voice. Even with effort, Xu Qiuchi could only hear fragments—something about the Emperor choosing a study companion for the Crown Prince, searching among the sons of noble families, and the Qiu family being one of the candidates.
His heart had hammered against his ribs. To an eleven-year-old boy, he didn't truly understand the implications of the news, but he could faintly sense a coming upheaval. It felt as though the silence of this courtyard was about to be shattered, and he and his brother would stand at the center of the storm.
After a long time, he heard his father’s voice refusing the offer. Then the Supervisor said something else. This time, the man’s voice was so low he couldn't hear it at all. Much later, he grew bold enough to peek through a crack in the window. He saw only the Supervisor’s profile as he lowered his eyes to sip tea. Nearby, under the lamplight, though his father’s hair and beard were not yet entirely white, he seemed to age a decade in that single instant.
Three days later, Qiu Ling left with that Supervisor named Zhou.
Four years after his mother abandoned him, his brother left him as well.
Unable to believe it, he had stolen his father’s horse and galloped out of the city, only to be brought back with a broken leg. His leg had long since healed, yet he had remained in this city trapped by mist and rain for fifteen years.
To this day, he still remembered that night. His father had ultimately made a choice, leaving the opportunity to step out into the wide world to his elder brother—who would rather join the army and face life and death on the battlefield than return to the desolation of Jiugao.
Perhaps, from beginning to end, he was the only one who could not let go of this crumbling, broken home.
Since then, he had never eavesdropped on anyone in this courtyard again. There was no longer anyone or anything in this house worth listening to.
"The Second Young Master hasn't been here in a long time."
Shi Huaiyu’s voice sounded from not far behind him. Xu Qiuchi turned around, his face already wiped clean of any trace of emotion.
"I was just worried our Shopkeeper Qin wouldn't sleep soundly, so I came to check."
Having said his piece, he moved to leave, seemingly unwilling to discuss anything further tonight.
Shi Huaiyu watched his retreating back and spoke at an unhurried pace.
"Miss Jiang returned just now. She looked quite haggard. I told her to go back to her room and rest."
As soon as she spoke, the man in front of him indeed turned back. For a moment, a flash of emotion was visible in his phoenix eyes, but it vanished an instant later, replaced by his usual mask.
"Why is she back so soon? Did she finish the task I gave her?"
"I was the one who told her to come back," Shi Huaiyu’s voice held a hint of helplessness, tinged with a touch of sternness. "She is a proud woman and doesn't understand your convoluted schemes. When you give her an impossible task, did you never consider how hurt she would feel?"
"Feeling hurt now is better than the agonizing pain of broken bones later," Xu Qiuchi paused, then looked at Shi Huaiyu. "Aunt Huaiyu, you didn't come looking for me this late just to talk about Xin'er, did you?"
The wind ceased at that moment, as if in a tacit agreement that an important conversation was about to unfold in this courtyard.
Shi Huaiyu slowly stepped closer, trying to see the expression on his face clearly.
"Your brother rarely comes home; who knows when the next time will be. People grow up, but past bonds are not easily erased. Why not take this chance to reconcile..."
"It’s not that I haven't sought out my brother, but he doesn't seem to feel the same. What can I, the younger brother, do?" Xu Qiuchi waved his folding fan, his voice growing increasingly languid. "If Aunt Huaiyu is just here to be a mediator, save your strength. If you're truly restless, you should go persuade my brother instead."
As soon as he spoke, the area by the pond fell silent.
A moment later, footsteps sounded again. He sensed her walking to the stone table and sitting down beside him.
For as long as he could remember, this meticulous manager had worked beside his parents. She had never referred to herself as a servant. He knew that given her status, no one would object even if she sat as an equal to his father, yet she had never done so.
Today was the first time.
Shi Huaiyu gazed at the shimmering pond water in the night and spoke calmly.
"Actually, on the night Zhou Yaxian came all those years ago, you might not have heard everything."
The past was brought up so easily. The figure by the pond stiffened, then shifted his posture to lean against the stone table.
"What I heard doesn't matter. What matters is that my brother made his choice, didn't he?"
"That was not his choice. Selecting a child of the Qiu family to be a study companion at Qingzhong Mountain was the Emperor’s decree. Who would dare defy it? Having General Pingnan take charge and send him to Qingzhong Mountain meant he was with someone we knew and trusted. It was better than letting others interfere..."
Before she could finish, Xu Qiuchi interrupted with a cold voice.
"Knowing the background was only one part of it. Being the descendant of a disgraced official—having a weakness held over him so they wouldn't have to worry about him being difficult to control later—that was the second part. In the end, it was nothing more than an exchange of interests and mutual exploitation. Father has lived half his life in a daze as a sword in someone else's hand, yet he still couldn't see through it, personally sending his own child onto the same path."
The man before her was by no means the profligate playboy the rumors suggested. On the contrary, he understood the intricacies of officialdom and had long seen through everything. Deep down, he loathed it more than anyone else; he was not someone who could be swayed by a few simple words.
But the revelation of past scars had begun tonight, and it could not end easily, or everything would be in vain.
Shi Huaiyu paused, calmed her breathing, and continued.
"The Pingnan Manor seems glorious in court, but because General Du was close to the Qiu family, he has been burdened by the old matters of the Black Moon for years. His actual situation was not optimistic. It was only when the current Emperor’s foundation became stable that things began to improve. Entrusting your brother with heavy responsibilities was never about gaining a position in court or forming a faction; it was with the hope that he would become a great general for our Xiangliang in the future. Even if the old accounts of the Black Moon are settled one day, there is still the Pingnan Manor between the Emperor and the Qiu family. They won't turn on each other immediately, giving both sides room to maneuver."
Xu Qiuchi laughed, as if remembering something absurd. He reached out, grabbed a handful of bean dregs, and scattered them into the pond.
"I’ve seen the way my brother has spent these years running errands for that Pingnan General’s Manor. Zhou Yaxian came to find him a month ago, and now he’s back to this exhausted state. I would believe it if someone told me he had changed his surname to Du. That person in Yuzhou truly has clever methods—granting a small favor to gain a loyal dog, stepping on the blood of the Qiu family to secure a place in court, all while enjoying the reputation of being kind to an old friend’s son and cherishing old brotherhood."
The fish scrambling for food churned the pond water as if it were boiling, mirroring the sudden conversation as it grew increasingly heated.
Memories surfaced. Shi Huaiyu leaned forward urgently, as if this would bring her closer to the lonely shadow by the pond.
"When Zhou Yaxian personally came to the manor, it wasn't to discuss anything with your father. He came to tell the Qiu family: the late Emperor harbored deep suspicions toward the Qiu family. He came on the Emperor’s orders and had to take someone away. If it wasn't your brother, it would have been you. They called it being a study companion, but in reality, it was no different from being a hostage. To the descendants of the capital’s powerful clans, the Qingzhong Mountain Academy is a platform to show their talents and meet peers. To the Qiu family, it was a Shura Field where one had to walk on thin ice and the edge of a blade. If General Pingnan hadn't intervened to send him to Kunxu and later to the military camps, it’s unknown if your brother would even be alive to see you now. The boredom of the camp, the tempering of the battlefield, the randomness of swords—all were better than being sent into that man-eating inner palace..."
Shi Huaiyu’s shadow fell beside him, but the young master in his fine silks still did not turn around.
He was never a koi living peacefully in this pond. He understood the "walking on thin ice" and the "lack of choice" she spoke of better than anyone, for he had experienced them all.
But precisely because of this, the more others emphasized the hardships and pain his brother had suffered, the more he felt an unquenchable anger rising in his heart.
"Is Aunt Huaiyu trying to tell me that my brother was born noble and ambitious, while I am a coward who lacks ambition—that this has never changed? He volunteered to go back then only because Father chose to tell him the truth about the Black Moon instead of telling me. If I could, I wouldn't have wanted to be the one hiding in the corner eavesdropping. I didn't want to be the Second Young Master who can't leave Jiugao. But you never gave me another choice—not then, and not now!"
His questioning voice echoed by the pond. Perhaps the resentment in it was too heavy, for even the fish across the water felt it and scattered in the next moment.
Shi Huaiyu froze in place, her hands, which had always been hidden in her sleeves, dropping for the first time.
She knew there was a misunderstanding between the two brothers, but she hadn't expected it to be so deep. If it weren't for the few words Miss Qin had said today that stirred her heart, she might have remained silent forever.
"Regarding your mother, Xu Qinglan, I have something to tell you." After an unknown amount of time, she finally spoke again. "These words should have been told to you by your father personally. But you know the General’s condition. To speak bluntly—even with Miss Qin’s help, he may never truly recover. Aside from the General, the Eldest Young Master, and myself, no fourth person knows of this. You indeed have no one else to verify this with. But I swear here, if a single word of what I am about to say is false, may I be struck by lightning and meet a miserable end."
Xu Qiuchi did not speak.
He remained silent, motionless, looking like a withered peach tree whose pink and white blossoms had all fallen and been dried by the wind. The bean cake in his hand had long since been crushed to dust.
He hadn't heard his mother’s name in this courtyard for a very long time. He faintly realized that what Shi Huaiyu was about to say might be terrifying and unbelievable. For as long as he could remember, she had always spoken with a gentle voice and had never used such heavy words to swear an oath.
It was because these words were meant for him, and he likely wouldn't be able to accept what he was about to hear.
"On the day the Mistress left, the General was far outside the city managing the floods. Manager Liu was out seeking medicine for the Mistress. You had run away in a fit of pique against your tutor, and I took people to find you, only to be trapped outside the city by the heavy rain. The next morning, after the rain stopped, it was the Eldest Young Master who discovered everything alone at home. The Mistress did not die of a long, incurable illness. She took her own life by hanging herself in the courtyard..."
"That’s not right! Mother died of illness!" Xu Qiuchi spoke sharply, standing up abruptly as the crushed fish food spilled all over the ground. "Mother came from a family of scholars and practiced medicine for years. She was always open-minded and strong, and she and Father were always deeply in love. Even during her illness, she was never neglected. How could someone like her take her own life?"
Shi Huaiyu remained seated at the stone table, not wavering in the slightest despite his questioning.
Before she decided to speak, she had anticipated this scene. But once some things began, they could not be stopped. She continued in a low voice.
"The Mistress was indeed afflicted with a malignant disease, but that illness was extraordinarily sinister. Besides taking one's life, it would also steal one's sanity."
As soon as she spoke, she noticed the man before her sway.
Having been at the center of the vortex for so long, even though Shi Huaiyu hadn't said it explicitly, Xu Qiuchi had already guessed part of it. But the truth was too cruel; he could only face it if it came from someone else's mouth.
Shi Huaiyu lowered her eyes, forcing herself not to look at his shattered expression, and finally spoke with determination.
"Back then, the Black Moon was trapped deep in the Min Mountains of Juchao. The soldiers in the army were all plagued by toxic miasma and malignant pestilence. Your mother, having studied under a medical sect, couldn't bear to see everyone suffer and followed them all the way, but she contracted a severe illness because of it. At first, the illness only meant she couldn't bear the light, but then it spiraled out of control. Shortly after the General moved the family to Jiugao, she had an episode and escaped her room. In an incoherent state, she attacked her personal maid. If Manager Liu hadn't noticed and rushed over, a tragedy would have occurred. From then on, fearing her own terrifying appearance and her inability to control herself during episodes, she begged the General to settle her in the side courtyard and remained behind closed doors. The General dismissed most of the servants in the manor and cared for her personally, forbidding you and the Eldest Young Master from visiting privately, precisely because he feared a repeat of what happened..."
Shi Huaiyu’s voice echoed softly, but to Xu Qiuchi’s ears, it sounded like a giant boulder crashing into the sea.
He felt as though he were listening to someone else's story as a bystander, unable to connect the characters in the story to himself.
"So? Are you telling me that Mother chose to leave us and seek release because she didn't want to suffer anymore?"
"If you had seen the Mistress’s final appearance with your own eyes, you wouldn't feel a shred of resentment toward her decision. A person like her, who valued dignity above all else, would not tolerate falling to such a state, nor would she want her children to have such a mother. It’s just that her painful efforts were ultimately wasted by fate."
Xu Qiuchi stood up, his hands pressing so hard against the stone table that his knuckles turned white.
"Did these things Aunt Huaiyu speaks of truly happen in the Qiu Manor? Why do I have no memory of it at all? And my brother—he has a tongue, why has he never mentioned this to me?"
"The Mistress could no longer hold a pen before she hanged herself, but she told me personally that she made this choice because she didn't want a tragedy to occur later, only to regret it when it was too late. She wanted to protect her children, and even more, she didn't want them to see the day she turned completely into a monster. You were young then and didn't remember much. I helped the General deceive you with a few words, and you believed Mother was just too ill to get out of bed. All these years, you never thought to question it; that is not your fault." Shi Huaiyu’s hands on her knees twisted together tightly due to the unbearable weight of the past. "As for your brother... he was never one to speak of everything. The General never favored one over the other by telling him about the Black Moon and hiding it from you; he discovered everything himself. Later, when a similar thing happened to the Su family, why do you think he broke the rules he had kept for over a decade and didn't hesitate to sign a military order just to rush back to Jiugao? You are so clever—can't you see the reason behind it?"
Xu Qiuchi’s eyes were bloodshot, his voice trembling.
"Why didn't he say anything? Why didn't he tell me himself? Aren't we family? If he understood what Mother meant to me, he shouldn't have hidden it! Did he think I would be grateful to him for doing this?! Who does he think he is? What right does he have to make this decision for me..."
"Because if you didn't know the truth, the pain of losing a loved one would eventually fade, and your memories of her would still be something to cherish. But if he told you the truth, you would have lost your mother completely, becoming like him—someone who has nightmares just hearing the word 'Mother'." Shi Huaiyu’s voice began to choke. The scenes of the past had weighed on her heart for years, and at this moment, they came crashing down. "Witnessing one's own mother hanging dead before one's eyes—such a tragedy is hard to bear even at thirty, let alone for your brother, who was only eight or nine that year! For an entire year after the Mistress died, he woke up screaming every night, unable to sleep in terror. Whenever he saw an open door in the courtyard or heard the sound of the wind blowing a rope, he would remember what he saw that morning. He didn't want you to endure the pain and torment he has lived through all these years, so he refused to speak of it no matter what. Can you understand his intentions?"
"No... stop talking..." The man shook his head, as if this could make him forget everything he had heard. "I don't understand a single word of what you're saying..."
"I know that all these years, you have resented your mother for abandoning you and your brother for leaving you. But everything they did was only to protect you. There is no one in this world who loves and protects you more than they do."
Shi Huaiyu’s tightly clenched hands finally fell apart as if losing all strength. She came before the young master in fine silks, who was standing with his back to her, and reached out with trembling hands to hold his shoulders, forcing him to face her.
"So promise me, do not resent your brother. He hasn't had it any easier than you all these years. He didn't truly want to leave this place, nor does he hate this home. Anyone can misunderstand him as someone who doesn't care for family or has a heart of stone, but you cannot! The General spent his life on horseback protecting the country; the family should have been together for a long time. But why did everything turn out like this in the end? Why are both children of the Qiu family so ill-fated!"
By the time Shi Huaiyu finished, she was sobbing uncontrollably.
She gripped Xu Qiuchi’s shoulder with one hand while the other hung limply. Her back was deeply bowed, and her tears nearly soaked half of his sleeve.
This aging woman usually seemed gentle, but she was actually the person in this manor who least showed her emotions.
Yet at this moment, the desolation and pain accumulated over the past decade in this lonely courtyard poured out through her, shattering the rules and decorum built with restraint.
Xu Qiuchi stood there quietly, letting her cry out all the tears of the past dozen years.
After a long while, he finally regained some strength. He helped the woman sit down and took out a handkerchief to gently wipe the tear stains from her face.
"Aunt Huaiyu is crying so sadly; are you pitying us? Then I'll consider that you've cried for us. Save the remaining tears for next time, and then it'll be my turn to cry."
Shi Huaiyu looked up, her eyes swollen from crying, and gazed at the young man before her, as if trying to see what lay behind his joking words.
"Does Aunt Huaiyu believe me? In my heart, I have never truly resented my brother."
It was precisely because they were family—because no matter what happened, he couldn't bring himself to hate him—that it was most painful.
Looking at the young and expressive eyes of the man before her, Shi Huaiyu couldn't help but think of the woman from many years ago who also liked to crouch by the pond and watch the fish.
Those brightly colored, vibrant koi would only emerge from the depths when food was thrown into the water, churning up vivid swirls—just like the fleeting tenderness on that woman's face.
She had thought she would never see that kind of deep-seated gentleness and tolerance again.
"After talking for so long, I'm hungry." The man’s voice was soft, carrying a hint of the childishness he had when he was young. "I was too busy being angry with my brother just now to eat much. Aunt Huaiyu, help me heat up some sweet soup, alright?"
Looking at that smiling face, Shi Huaiyu naturally couldn't refuse.
She didn't know how much of what she had just said he had taken to heart, but she could only do so much. What happened next would be the two brothers' own journey.
She composed herself, rose, and left. Before long, she returned with a bowl of heated sweet soup.
"Drink slowly. I just heated it; it's very hot."
Xu Qiuchi didn't speak. He just lowered his head and quietly drank the soup, spoonful by spoonful.
The steam blurred his vision, and the world lost its sharp edges, turning into a soft mass of white.
All these years, he had lived with a sense of dissatisfaction—dissatisfied with this destined-to-be-broken home, dissatisfied with a freedom that stopped at the horizon. But thinking about it carefully now, he had actually received more than others.
His brother had never even possessed this pond of fish, this bowl of sweet soup, or a single word of warmth from a relative, yet he had never complained about not having more.
And he had his father, Xin'er, Aunt Huaiyu, and Manager Liu. He had a place he could call home.
Yes, Jiugao was his home. This courtyard he always found too cold was his home. What trapped him was never his father or brother, nor the land beneath his feet, but a cage named the past.
The soup bowl finally reached the bottom. He slowly set it down and looked up at the peaceful pond in the night.
He would let himself enjoy these things he once possessed for just one last moment. When the time came, it would be his turn to go out into that barren world.
***
| Chinese | English | Notes/Explanation |
| :--- | :--- | :--- |
| 豆粕 | Bean dregs | Soybean cake or dregs used as fish feed. |
| 伴读 | Study companion | A person (often from a noble family) chosen to study alongside a prince; in this context, it functions as a political hostage. |
| 质子 | Hostage | Specifically a political hostage, often a prince or noble son sent to another state or the capital. |
| 摘月台 | Moon-Plucking Terrace | A metaphorical term for a place of high achievement or social climbing. |
| 修罗场 | Shura Field | A place of carnage, intense conflict, or a brutal environment (Asura field). |
| 昆墟 | Kunxu | A place name, likely a remote or rugged region. |
| 而立之年 | Age of thirty | A traditional Chinese term for being thirty years old (from the Analects). |
| 许青蓝 | Xu Qinglan | The name of Xu Qiuchi and Qiu Ling's mother. |
| 周亚贤 | Zhou Yaxian | A character name; a Supervisor in the government. |
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