He opened his eyes again.
Another day.
Pei Cangyu took a few breaths and stiffly turned his head; the bed on the other side was empty.
A night where nothing had happened.
He counted—it had been nine days, and nothing had happened.
Perhaps his pleading had worked. In any case, things had been quiet lately. Perhaps, during these past few days, he had managed to sleep for a few hours each night. He was deathly sensitive; if someone sighed in the distant kitchen, Pei Cangyu could hear it. He knew the sound of everyone’s footsteps in the house, knowing at every moment where they were and which direction they were heading. He knew everything; he heard every sound.
But at school, his mind often wandered.
Lately, his temper had flared more frequently. Sometimes he wasn't even that angry, but a sudden surge of irritation would strike him. By the time he realized it, he was too drained to apologize. Looking at the bewildered expressions of others, he would think about how he had no right to care anyway, so he would simply collapse onto his desk. He couldn't sleep; he just lay there.
The people around him were the same as always—just like his old self—happily oblivious to sorrow. They fretted over grades, or gossiped endlessly about which girl in the next class had looked at whom twice. Or it was games; games played in stolen moments of busyness were particularly captivating. Feiji spent the whole day sighing over his games.
Pigou quickly forgot about the temper Pei Cangyu had thrown. He couldn't hold a grudge to save his life. After the big exam this week ended, the group gathered around Pei Cangyu’s desk again.
Pei Cangyu was still slumped over, not even lifting his head. Apple frowned and tapped Pei Cangyu on the head. "Hey, has he been lying like this the whole time?"
He was asking Baishi, but Pei Cangyu reached out and brushed Apple’s hand away. Baishi gave a small smile. "Not the whole time."
In truth, Apple wasn't in a great mood either. His grades had been slipping over the last two exams, and this most recent one had knocked him out of the top thirty for the grade level. During the test just now, his "feel" for the questions had been terrible, and he’d had no idea how to approach the final big problem.
They sat near Pei Cangyu’s desk while other students were comparing answers. Apple wished he could cover his ears; for the first time, he felt that comparing answers was truly shameless. He leaned on the desk, his head near Pei Cangyu’s, and only looked up once the people comparing answers had filtered out. He casually tapped Pei Cangyu again. "Sigh, what are you doing just lying there? Your brothers haven't visited in a while; we're here to show you some love."
Pei Cangyu ignored him. Feeling snubbed, Apple’s irritation grew. He kicked Feiji’s leg. "Damn it, what are you looking at that’s so interesting?"
Feiji lowered his voice, winking and smirking. "A little flick."
Pigou put down his gaming console. "Watching that in the classroom? Bold."
Monkey said he didn't care, but he leaned his head in anyway.
Apple put on the air of an expert. "Hey, shouldn't you let me give you some pointers on this kind of thing?" He stood up and squeezed to the front. "What’s this? Uniforms?"
Feiji gave him a shove. "Yours is outdated. This one is intense."
Pigou squeezed his head in. "What is it? Turn up the volume, I can't hear." As he spoke, he held down the volume button. Suddenly, a series of "ah, ah" moans rang out.
In that split second, several boys lunged forward at once. Feiji turned off the phone with the speed of someone throwing a concealed weapon, then slapped Pigou on the shoulder. "Are you trying to get us killed?"
Apple tried to snatch the phone from Feiji. "Hey, why haven't I seen this one? Who have you been hanging out with lately?"
"It's new," Feiji said with a suggestive look. "It has a plot."
Under the expectant gazes of the group, he revealed the hook: "It’s a forced encounter."
Apple frowned. "I’ve seen those before. They look too real, it feels a bit..." He couldn't find the word.
Feiji quickly shook his head. "This definitely isn't like that. Everyone ends up happy."
So they huddled together again, setting the volume to just the right level—just enough to hear the woman’s rejection turn into a coy invitation.
Feiji argued his point: "If you ask her now, she’s definitely willing."
Pei Cangyu lifted his head. "Can you all get the hell away?"
The group stopped and looked at him. Feiji turned off the phone. "Why the long face? We'll let you watch, we'll let you watch. Apple, make some room for him."
"Sure thing." Apple hopped down and reached out to pull Pei Cangyu. "Go sit in my spot."
Pei Cangyu violently shoved him away. "Fuck your mother! Didn't you hear me tell you to get the hell away?!"
From that shove, Apple’s hand struck the sharp corner of the window frame, and it immediately began to bleed. Feiji looked at Apple, then at Pei Cangyu. Pigou stood there with his mouth hanging open, and Monkey blinked, trying to find the words to say.
Apple was already in a bad mood.
He said nothing, turning to leave, but Feiji quickly grabbed him. "Hey, hey, wait. Pei Cangyu, you went a bit too far this time... Hey, no..."
Pei Cangyu slumped back down as if nothing had happened. Apple wrenched his hand out of Feiji’s grip and glared at Pei Cangyu. "Fuck whose mother? You idiot, who do you think you are?"
Pigou jumped down to hold Apple back. "Hey, don't, don't, don't..."
Apple grabbed Pei Cangyu’s pencil case, intending to hurl it at him. He hesitated for a moment, then slammed it against Pei Cangyu’s shoulder instead of his head. "Hey, what are you just lying there for? Who were you talking about just now? Say it again."
Pei Cangyu sat up, picked up his pencil case, stood, and looked up at Apple.
Then he smashed the pencil case hard against Apple’s head, leaning in close. "I was talking about you."
Apple was stunned for a second before grabbing Pei Cangyu’s collar with both hands. "I’ll fuck your ancestors! Are you goddamn crazy?!"
Feiji and the others held Apple back. Pigou circled around to shake Pei Cangyu. "If you didn't sleep well, then just sleep! It’s not worth this, it’s not worth it..."
Pei Cangyu watched them restrain Apple, said nothing, sat back down, and slumped over again.
More and more students were entering the classroom. They looked over, confused, whispering about the argument.
Feiji held Apple back. "Forget it, forget it. He definitely didn't mean it. Don't, don't..."
Apple wrenched himself free with force and turned to leave. Pigou tried to stop him again. "Apple, look..."
Apple turned and shoved Pigou away. "Apple my ass! Don't I have a goddamn name?"
He pushed past the others and went straight back to his seat.
Class began.
They stood there for a moment before each returning to their own desks.
Baishi turned to look at Pei Cangyu. He lay there motionless, face turned this way, eyes closed. His expression was unreadable, but his hands were trembling incessantly.
As soon as class ended, Monkey came over, with a solemn-faced Feiji and Pigou following beside him. Monkey patted Pei Cangyu on the shoulder, and Pei Cangyu looked up at him. Monkey spoke to him gravely, "Pei Cangyu, let's talk."
Pei Cangyu gave him a reckless, dismissive glance. "Get lost."
Monkey persisted. "There has to be a reason. What is actually wrong with you?"
Pei Cangyu rolled his eyes impatiently and slumped back down.
Monkey tried calling his name a few more times, but finally, they exchanged looks and gave up.
Pei Cangyu remained slumped there, unmoving.
He wasn't sleeping. Of course he wasn't sleeping. His fists were clenched, and a cold sweat covered his body. From the moment he heard the words "forced encounter," his heart had been racing, as if someone had invaded his mind. He guessed Baishi wouldn't know what had happened, let alone tell anyone else, so no one should know. No one knew.
But he still felt disgusted. Waves of heat rose through his body. He couldn't even close his eyes. His ears were filled with their chatter; he prayed they would finish watching quickly, leave quickly, just go away—get far away.
But they just had to provoke him. They just had to touch him. They just had to snap his fraying, precarious string.
When Pei Cangyu was venting his rage, for a brief moment, he actually felt happy—almost as if he were floating, almost forgetting that he had never once had a good night's sleep.
Provoking them made him feel much better.
Then he saw Baishi’s clear, open gaze.
Pei Cangyu lay on the desk, wanting nothing more than for everyone to stay away from him, further away, preferably never coming near him again. Maybe he should cut class; this classroom was too crowded.
But the thrill of provoking his friends didn't last long. By evening, Pei Cangyu was suddenly filled with regret. This regret felt like another irreversible event had occurred. From a distance, he caught a glimpse of Apple’s back as he talked to someone else. The morning’s anger had faded significantly, but when their eyes inadvertently met, Apple gave a cold roll of his eyes and turned away.
That single look made Pei Cangyu feel like he was going to die of sadness.
He knew he had done something wrong, but he truly couldn't talk about it. Why did it have to be like this? It felt like one regretful thing was always piled on top of another; no matter what he did, it was wrong. He felt incredibly wronged.
Pei Cangyu felt like he was going to vomit. His head ached terribly. He kept wanting to look at his friends, but his friends seemed to have made a pact; they had each formed new circles of conversation and didn't look at him once.
Pei Cangyu’s mouth was dry.
He wondered if he should go apologize, but that look from Apple made him afraid to go. And besides, why should he be the one to apologize? Just because he hit him once? Apple had hit him too; did he have to apologize as well?
Damn it, damn it, damn it.
Pei Cangyu gripped his backpack, not wanting to look up. Forget it. Anyway, once they graduated, they’d go their separate ways. Why bother.
They were going to split up anyway. They were graduating anyway.
To hell with it.
Even though Pei Cangyu thought this, he lingered in the classroom today until he was the very last one. Deep down, he had a tiny wish: if one of them asked him to walk with them, then this whole thing would be over. They wouldn't even have to say anything specific; it would just be forgotten.
That would be fine too.
So he kept waiting, kept glancing over there, but nothing happened. They didn't look his way even as they left, let alone come over.
Pei Cangyu had no choice but to stand up and walk out dejectedly. He happened to run into Liu Yaosheng.
She warmly asked if he had finished the book and said he could keep borrowing from her if he wanted to read more. Then she was whisked away by her parents who had come to pick her up.
Pei Cangyu stood at the entrance for a while, still holding the book Liu Yaosheng had given him, not knowing where to go. He looked up and saw the light at the end of the hallway was on, so he walked toward it. The green sign pointed upward, so he went up.
He went all the way to the rooftop of the teaching building.
When he pushed open the door, a cool breeze rushed over him, embracing him so tightly he almost wanted to cry.
He shuffled forward until he reached the edge, leaning against it to look into the distance. Beneath the moon were the lights of ten thousand homes.
Looking down, the ground was far away.
It was so nice, living between heaven and earth. Whether it was home or school, the world felt too small for him. He wanted to break free.
Pei Cangyu stared for a while, then sat on the ledge.
He swung his legs, the wind gently lifting his bangs.
Suddenly, he began to cry. Still wearing his backpack, still clutching the book he had no desire to read, he slumped over his knees, weeping and sobbing.
He stroked the finely bound book. The author, who knew nothing of real life, had spun a beautiful, fake story, yet people insisted that living beings should follow it. Why were there people in this world who could educate others with such a clear conscience? Why could they never experience this feeling—this feeling of being bound, of feeling that one’s life was cursed?
Pei Cangyu almost wanted to tear the book apart, but he was so weak from crying he had no strength left. The darkness below exuded a ghostly aura; one had to guess that such a gentle coolness must be heaven.
He edged forward bit by bit, without even realizing it.
It wasn't for any other reason; he was just too tired.
He thought too much; he was too tired.
He closed his eyes, feeling as though he were stepping on clouds.
Then his phone rang.
Pei Cangyu rubbed his tear-filled eyes, wiping away the blurriness, and pulled out his phone to look.
It was from his grandmother.
"We're having dumplings for a late-night snack tonight. I've been wrapping them all day. Bring a bag of vinegar when you come back."
Pei Cangyu suddenly felt an immense sense of grievance. He felt like he hadn't done anything wrong.
He stared at the text and cried even harder. When he turned back and climbed back onto the rooftop floor, he sobbed heart-wrenchingly. Because he had decided not to go through with it, for some reason, he cried even louder instead.
He knelt on the ground, feeling ridiculous even as he wept.
What should he do?
What was he supposed to do?
It was too hard.
He leaned his head against the wall and felt someone walk up to his side. The person crouched down gently and reached out to stroke his head.
Baishi said, "What do you want?"
Pei Cangyu tremblingly swiped his hand away, telling him to get lost.
Baishi took the crumpled book from his hand and tossed it aside. "You know I won't get lost. What do you want? Tell me."
Pei Cangyu tried to evade Baishi’s hands as they supported him, but he couldn't break free. So he said, "Then you do it. You come and solve it, alright? Stop asking me. Stop worrying about me."
Baishi wiped the tears from his face. "Ask me, Pei Cangyu. If you ask me, I'll do it."
Pei Cangyu found it almost laughable. He tried to stand up, but Baishi’s grip on his hands was like a vise. Pei Cangyu couldn't shake him off, so he struggled with all his might. "Fine, fine, fine! I’m asking you! I’m begging you, alright? Just stay away from me!"
Baishi let go. Pei Cangyu scrambled away and fled with his backpack.
***
