Pei Cangyu woke up once during the night. He might have drunk too much water; he kicked off the covers and climbed out of bed, preparing to head to the bathroom. As he sat up, he first noticed Bai Shi sitting by the window.
Their bedroom wasn't small. A carpet was spread before the large bed, stretching to the floor-to-ceiling window. Beside the window stood a small bamboo-woven table and two armchairs. Bai Shi was currently sitting in one of those chairs, a cigarette held between his fingers. It wasn't lit. He was barefoot, and the bright moonlight spilled over his feet.
Waking up to this, Pei Cangyu didn't recognize him for a split second and jumped in fright. The main issue was that Bai Shi sat there in total silence, like a ghost.
Pei Cangyu rubbed his eyes as he got out of bed. "My god, you’re not sleeping? Do you have insomnia?" He crouched on the floor to find his slippers, stepped into them, and walked out.
Bai Shi turned his head to glance at him but didn't answer, simply watching him leave for the bathroom.
A moment later, Pei Cangyu returned. Still groggy and half-asleep, he walked over to Bai Shi and patted him. "I'm going back to sleep then?"
Bai Shi nodded.
As Pei Cangyu walked toward the bed, he noticed something. There was nothing spread out on the floor. Where had Bai Shi been sleeping these past few days?
This thought jolted him awake. He stood still for a moment before turning to look at Bai Shi, asking tentatively, "Uh, did you put away your bedding?"
Bai Shi moved his neck, turning toward him; his posture had grown stiff from sitting for so long. "No. I haven't slept. Since you're awake, can I smoke?"
It took Pei Cangyu a moment to process this. He frowned and walked over. "What do you mean you 'haven't slept'?"
Bai Shi raised the cigarette in his hand and lit it. "Exactly that. I haven't slept yet."
Pei Cangyu was shocked. He looked closely at Bai Shi’s face and, under the moonlight, finally noticed the heavy dark circles under his eyes. He hadn't noticed them before.
"You mean... these past few days? It’s been several days, hasn't it? You haven't slept at all during this time?" Pei Cangyu gestured exaggeratedly. "Aren't you tired?"
Bai Shi looked at him. "It’s alright."
Pei Cangyu sank into the other chair with a sigh of disbelief. "Man, you’re incredible. I know you used to say back in school that you only slept four or five hours a day, but not sleeping for days... Hey, are you one of those people who just doesn't need sleep?"
Bai Shi smiled and shook his head. "How could that be possible?"
"Then why aren't you sleeping?"
Bai Shi looked up at Pei Cangyu. "I can't exactly tie you up, can I?"
Pei Cangyu froze.
Oh, right. He was being kidnapped. He had almost forgotten again.
He lowered his head and fell silent. Bai Shi smoked quietly across from him, the scent of tobacco drifting over.
Pei Cangyu looked up. Noticing his gaze, Bai Shi turned his eyes back from the window.
He was always gentle and calm, his intentions unreadable, and he was impossible to overcome.
Pei Cangyu suddenly asked, "What do you think about when you're sitting here by yourself?"
Bai Shi lowered his eyes as if reflecting. "Probably about you."
Pei Cangyu was used to this kind of talk by now; he didn't even feel embarrassed anymore. He just found it strange. "Think about what? I don't even think about food when I'm eating."
Bai Shi chuckled at the analogy and flicked his ash. "Things from the past."
Pei Cangyu gave an "oh" and scratched his hair, his lips twitching into a faint smile. "I guess that makes sense. We haven't seen each other in so many years. If you have some kind of obsession, it’s probably directed at the old me. I’ve changed a lot."
Bai Shi watched him.
Pei Cangyu turned to look out the window. "Occasionally, I think the old me was pretty good. Ambitious, popular, optimistic, and bright. I wanted to try everything and never held a grudge against anyone." He looked at Bai Shi with a smile. "Did you know? In the class where I'm repeating my senior year, almost no one talks to me."
He toyed with the ashtray on the table. "Well, I’m quite a bit older than them, and I’m probably always too grumpy. Come to think of it, it feels like I haven't had a real conversation with anyone in a long time..."
Bai Shi looked at him, stubbed out the cigarette in the ashtray, and leaned forward. From this position, he could see the whorl of hair on the crown of Pei Cangyu’s head just by looking down. "What about them? Your friends?"
Pei Cangyu shook his head. "We drifted apart. Everyone’s busy with their own lives." He frowned and scratched his forehead. "Since I never went to apologize, it was like I was throwing a tantrum, thinking it didn't matter if we just cut ties completely..."
"What about high school? Did you not make any friends then?"
Pei Cangyu shot a quick glance at Bai Shi before looking down again. "No..."
"Because of me?" Bai Shi asked.
"Huh?" Pei Cangyu panicked slightly. "With you..."
"Because I killed him. His body was still hanging on the wall; it must have caused quite a stir." Bai Shi looked at Pei Cangyu. "I heard your grandmother passed away the following year."
Pei Cangyu gave a bitter smile. "You know quite a lot."
Bai Shi didn't deny it. He stared at Pei Cangyu’s ear for a while, his hand reaching forward until his fingers almost touched Pei Cangyu’s hand—which was gripping the ashtray—but he ultimately pulled back.
"Do you hate me?"
Pei Cangyu shook his head without hesitation.
A flash of joy appeared in Bai Shi’s eyes, but Pei Cangyu’s head was down, so he didn't see it. Bai Shi paused and asked again, "Then... are you grateful to me?"
Pei Cangyu shook his head again.
Bai Shi felt like smoking again.
"I don't know when it started, but I felt like I stopped growing." Pei Cangyu seemed lost in thought. "Do you understand that feeling? Watching groups of people around you leave one after another, all having places to go, while I have none. Like a lost ant, only my age keeps increasing. Because I’ve always been alone, I can hardly feel the passage of time. I’m alone at school, alone at home. Yesterday and today are no different. The unwashed plate I leave in the morning is still there when I return at night. If I don't talk to anyone on a given day, it’s like I’m invisible. Have you ever skipped stones?" Pei Cangyu made a throwing gesture. "But the stone has to graze the surface to go far. If you just throw a pebble into deep water, there’s no reaction at all. I’m that kind of pebble."
Bai Shi opened his mouth, wanting to say something, but found himself at a loss for words.
"Later, I lost touch with my old classmates too. I figured, 'Let's just leave it at that.' It felt a bit better not to look at others. I didn't know what I should be doing. I used to know I had to study hard, but then one day, I suddenly felt like nothing made any difference. Besides, every time I sit down to write, I can't get very far before I remember the time Pei Yueshan said he’d buy me a desk lamp. That tone of voice, that image... it makes me not want to write anymore." Pei Cangyu licked his lips. "I’m too immature. I don't want to think about the future anymore... going to college, moving away, new environments—it all makes me feel miserable. Just thinking about it hurts. I have nothing. The only thing I’m familiar with is my home. If I have to leave even my home, I’m afraid I’ll drown out there. It’s like... being submerged... yes, the feeling of entering the water..."
"I always feel..." Pei Cangyu stared at the ashtray, his voice very small, "...very lonely."
Bai Shi looked at his face. "I know."
Bai Shi spoke those two words very softly, his voice slightly raspy, drifting into Pei Cangyu's ear almost like a sigh. Pei Cangyu didn't dare look up. Since he had sat down in front of Bai Shi in this unlit room, it had become easy to open his heart.
Pei Cangyu looked down at his own fingers and at Bai Shi’s hand, which remained a short distance away, never drawing closer. The moon was too bright, making one’s face burn. Blue veins pulsed on the back of Bai Shi’s hand, and his fingertips were tinged with red. For no reason, Pei Cangyu thought that if Bai Shi reached out now, he probably wouldn't refuse anything he did. He probably really did have Stockholm Syndrome.
Bai Shi didn't move; he just watched him. "Then how can I make you happy?"
Pei Cangyu looked up at the question. "What?"
Bai Shi’s face was full of melancholy, his eyes overflowing with a soft light. "I’m thinking about it, but I don't know what to do."
Pei Cangyu’s heart suddenly sped up. In this ambiguous atmosphere, he felt that if he asked to go back now, Bai Shi might actually agree.
He looked into Bai Shi’s eyes, which were filled with suppressed emotion, and at his haggard face. Then he thought that if he said the wrong thing and angered him—like when he threw those books into the river—there was no telling what Bai Shi might do.
Besides, Pei Cangyu pursed his lips; Bai Shi looked exhausted, only holding on by a thread.
Bai Shi was like a genie waiting for Aladdin’s wish, waiting for Pei Cangyu to speak.
Pei Cangyu took a deep breath. He was about to speak when the curtain was blown up by the wind, suddenly fluttering between them. A sheet of lake-blue filled Pei Cangyu’s vision, and he heard the sound of the chair opposite him moving. Bai Shi stood up, gathered the curtains, and clipped them shut, closing the gap in the window. He sat back down. "Sorry, I wanted to air out the room." He pointed at the ashtray.
Pei Cangyu said, "Let's sleep."
Bai Shi didn't quite understand. "What?"
"You're too tired. Get some rest," Pei Cangyu said, looking at him.
Bai Shi stared into his eyes. "Is that what you wanted to say just now?"
Pei Cangyu stood up. "Let's sleep, Bai Shi. I hate using my brain." He walked to the bed and flopped onto it, his voice muffled as his face hit the pillow. "Seriously, if everything is arranged for me, I wouldn't mind playing dumb."
He heard footsteps approaching and stopping beside him. Bai Shi leaned down and whispered in his ear, "Can I sleep on the bed?" Then he quickly added, "I won't do anything."
Pei Cangyu laughed. He had seen this kind of dialogue in all sorts of movies; hearing it so formally in person was quite surreal. He rolled over to the side, and Bai Shi lay down next to him.
"Bai Shi."
"Hmm?"
"Do you like me?"
Bai Shi didn't answer. He glanced at him and gave a small smile. "Go to sleep."
"What about you? Where did you go after that?" Pei Cangyu didn't intend to sleep yet.
Bai Shi looked at the ceiling. "Me... well, I went to many places."
"Here?"
"Here, and other places. Following Ding Chuan."
Pei Cangyu raised an eyebrow in surprise. "That guy... I seem to remember he was some kind of mobster..." He didn't finish the sentence, looking at Bai Shi instead.
Bai Shi turned his head to look at him, his gaze confirming it.
Pei Cangyu swallowed hard. "Then what do you plan to do in the future? You might be a wanted man now."
"Don't worry," Bai Shi answered him firmly, as if he were certain. After a pause, he added, "I think our current lifestyle is very good. This is a place where we can stay for a long time."
"Is it? Why?"
"Don't you think so?" Bai Shi asked back. "The environment here is great, the community atmosphere is good. The neighbors leave for periods when they're busy, so our coming and going won't be suspected. No one interferes with us, the relationship with the community police is close, and the facilities are all..."
"And it just so happens I can't understand anything, can't talk to anyone, and can't run away," Pei Cangyu finished for him.
Bai Shi looked at him, paused, and then said, "You can think of it that way if you like."
Pei Cangyu rolled over irritably. He had found the trick: as long as he didn't bring up that specific topic, Bai Shi was still the same Bai Shi who would grant his every whim. Pei Cangyu had an intuition that Bai Shi might do anything for him, as long as he followed Bai Shi's rules.
Bai Shi moved closer and asked behind his back, "Can I touch you?"
Pei Cangyu scoffed and turned his head to look at Bai Shi’s face, which was inches away. "What is this? Do you not understand what it means to date someone?"
Bai Shi told him, "I understand."
"Oh, then under what circumstances do you usually want to touch someone?"
Pei Cangyu wanted to prove that people only want to "touch" the person they like.
Bai Shi answered him with total seriousness: "Now."
Pei Cangyu’s attempt at teaching failed. He gave up in self-despair and turned back around, muttering, "Whatever, I give up. Let's just be gay and be done with it. I don't care anyway."
Bai Shi’s arm slowly reached over from behind and wrapped around his waist, resting right against the skin where his pajamas had ridden up. Pei Cangyu felt a tickle and shifted slightly, and Bai Shi pressed even closer.
Pei Cangyu stopped moving. Bai Shi’s breath brushed against his ear, stirring his hair.
Pei Cangyu thought: *I am the only normal person in this house. I believe that murder should be punished by law, that crimes need to be judged, that you do things for someone because you like them and want them by your side, that liking someone must be stated clearly, that ambiguity leads nowhere, and that forced possession has no good end.*
Unfortunately, he was the only normal person.
Bai Shi kissed his ear and tightened his arm around him, sounding very happy. "Let's stay in this house. We can die here together in the future."
***
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Stolen Jade | Chapter 111 | The Only Normal Person | Novela.app | Novela.app
