Pei Cangyu remained listless throughout the car ride, his forehead pressed against the windowpane as he stared vacantly at the passing scenery. He watched as the bustling night lights transitioned into the quiet greenery of Greenbelt Manor, remaining motionless the entire time.
Bai Shi reached out, gently tilting Pei’s head away from the glass. "Isn't it cold, leaning against the window?"
Pei Cangyu dodged his hand and sat up straight.
Bai Shi paused, then suddenly spoke. "It was disgusting, wasn't it?"
Pei Cangyu turned his head away, feeling a surge of irritability.
"That’s just how this circle is," Bai Shi said, looking down at his own hands. "How much do you know about being gay?"
Pei Cangyu frowned. "What does this have to do with being gay? It’s just some pervert."
Bai Shi chuckled softly. "True. But there are quite a lot of perverts out there. Do you want to hear about some other things? It might make this seem mild by comparison."
Pei Cangyu hesitated. "...Really?"
"For example," Bai Shi said, nudging his ruined coat further away with his foot, "some people knock their own teeth out just to give better oral sex. That way," Bai Shi gestured with his hand to form a hole, "it’s much more convenient, isn't it?"
Pei Cangyu stared at him, chilled with horror. "Shit, are you serious?"
Bai Shi shrugged. "And then there are—"
"Fine, fine, stop it," Pei Cangyu interrupted him. "What they do has nothing to do with me. I just want to know who it was."
Bai Shi looked surprised. "Wasn't it that cop, Tu?"
Pei Cangyu shook his head. "I don't think so."
"Why?"
Pei Cangyu turned to him, gesturing with his hands. "The old man’s eyesight is terrible. Tu was wearing a dull, mustard-colored coat today. There’s no way the old man could have identified it as yellow; it would have to be a very bright, vivid yellow for him to register it as such. Do you get what I mean?"
"Is that so?"
Pei Cangyu nodded. "Definitely. I remember once a long time ago, I asked a classmate to drop something off for me. I told the old man to let anyone in a yellow coat through, but he insisted on stopping him and making me come down to get him. My classmate was wearing a very dark yellow back then, and the old man swore up and down it was black. But when the grandma next door wore a yellow coat that was practically red, the old man pointed at her and told me *that* was what you call yellow."
Bai Shi was silent for a moment before asking, "So you mean there’s someone else?"
Pei Cangyu scratched his head. "Actually, it might not even be targeted at me. Maybe it was just some drunk guy. Either way, something feels off."
Bai Shi looked at him and smiled. "Did Tu Ziyun come to see you today?"
"How did you know?"
"Because it feels like your attitude toward him has improved quite a bit."
Pei Cangyu looked away. "It’s not really..."
"Must be nice," Bai Shi sighed with a faint smile. "Even though he has 'bad' intentions too, he gets your trust, while I don't. I guess it really is because of what happened on Sunday?"
Pei Cangyu understood what those "bad" intentions referred to almost instantly. His face flushed crimson. As soon as the car came to a stop, he threw the door open and jumped out, frantically changing the subject. "Are you hungry? I'm starving." He then charged into the house like a whirlwind, with Bai Shi watching him from behind.
The house was indeed pitch black without Bai Shi there.
Pei Cangyu went inside and started turning on the lights. Since the dome light had been smashed, they were temporarily using several floor lamps. Pei Cangyu stepped on the switches one by one to light them up. Bai Shi watched him run back and forth, bringing light to the room.
Bai Shi took off his coat. "Do you want something to eat?"
Pei Cangyu shook his head. "I'm not hungry." He looked around. "Speaking of which, shouldn't you step up your security? Hire more guards or something."
Bai Shi walked over to the fireplace, opened the screen, and pressed the ignition switch. He watched as the flames slowly rose. "No need. It’s fine."
Pei Cangyu walked over to his side. "You’re way too carefree."
Bai Shi didn't respond.
In the silence, the bright firelight grew, while the floor lamps scattered throughout the room cast dim glows. Their shadows were stretched in different directions from all sides, flickering in the firelight.
Pei Cangyu felt increasingly awkward in the silence. Given the choice, he didn't really want to be alone with Bai Shi. He cleared his throat, searching for a topic. "Then I'll head up first... I still have papers to—"
Bai Shi reached out and grabbed his arm. "Let's talk."
"Huh?"
***
And so they sat down by the fireplace, facing each other.
Bai Shi sat back on the sofa with his legs crossed, staring at Pei Cangyu. Pei Cangyu sat properly with his knees together, highly guarded. He stole a glance at Bai Shi’s face before shifting his gaze to Bai Shi’s fingers resting on the armrest.
Pei Cangyu was actually thinking: *First, I need to stand my ground. Second, I need to consider if I can win if a fight breaks out.* Though he didn't know why they would fight, he had to be prepared. Bai Shi looked tall, but he lacked training and combat power. Most importantly, he lacked real-world experience. If it really came down to it, even if Bai Shi was bigger, it might be a fifty-fifty split. *Yeah, not bad. The 'Free-Style Brawler' title isn't just for show. You haven't seen the ultimate move of the Big Brother of Peace Road...*
"What are you thinking about?" Bai Shi suddenly asked.
"Huh?" Pei Cangyu jumped. "Nothing."
"You're too far away," Bai Shi said. He leaned forward, reached out, and grabbed the two armrests of Pei Cangyu’s sofa, pulling the man and the furniture toward him until their knees touched.
Pei Cangyu was stunned. He had clearly seen the lines of muscle bulging in Bai Shi’s arms as he pulled the sofa, and he realized he needed to re-evaluate their relative combat strengths.
Bai Shi pressed his hands onto the sides of Pei Cangyu’s sofa. "I think I should apologize to you for what happened on Sunday."
"Yeah, you should."
"..."
Pei Cangyu spoke with righteous conviction. "Shouldn't you?"
"...I should."
"Exactly."
Bai Shi fell silent. Pei Cangyu looked at him. "What else is there to talk about?"
Bai Shi sighed.
Pei Cangyu leaned back, putting some distance between himself and Bai Shi. "I get it. You want to know if I'll take it to heart. To be honest, I don't know much about your community. I don't know what you guys usually like to eat or do, and I don't think it's any of my business. Also... I'm very busy with school, so," he looked down, feeling a bit embarrassed, "it would be great if I could keep living here... Anyway, thanks for taking me in. It would be best if nothing like that happens again. Can we just coexist peacefully? Want to shake on it?"
Bai Shi didn't speak.
Pei Cangyu thought he was disagreeing. "I can pay you rent."
Bai Shi gazed at him. "I have no interest in rent."
"Then what are you interested—"
Pei Cangyu asked subconsciously, but he cut himself off abruptly, afraid of the answer.
Bai Shi continued to look at him. "You didn't lose anything, did you? It’s not like anything actually happened."
Pei Cangyu lowered his head.
Bai Shi slowly leaned closer to him.
The fire burned brightly, casting a red glow over one side of their bodies while the other side was plated in the pale yellow light of the lamps. A warm atmosphere enveloped them. The wood occasionally crackled, sending out a scent of timber that drifted through the room’s fragrance, lingering near Pei Cangyu’s lips. Bai Shi drew close to those lips; he only needed to turn his head to bite down.
But Pei Cangyu spoke.
He said, "I'll move out tomorrow. Thanks for everything during this time."
The warm light, the fragrance, and the approaching Bai Shi all came to a standstill.
Pei Cangyu let out a sigh of relief and prepared to stand up.
As he rose, his hand was caught by Bai Shi.
Bai Shi’s head was bowed, his hair falling over his forehead. His back was arched under his shirt, and the muscles beneath the fabric were tensed, radiating a volatile aura. Yet, because he was confined to the sofa, there was a sense of suppressed frustration. One arm stubbornly held onto Pei Cangyu, but he said nothing.
Seeing him like this, Pei Cangyu couldn't bring himself to leave. He habitually reached out, wanting to pat Bai Shi’s shoulder just as he had at the police station, but he hesitated after extending his hand.
He didn't like Bai Shi being like this. In middle school, Bai Shi had been a dazzling person. Although Pei had been close enough to him to know some of his unspeakable embarrassments, it only made him feel more that Bai Shi should be brilliant—the kind of man whose bright future was obvious at a glance, smart and ambitious. Because Bai Shi had caused trouble by being too flamboyant as a kid, Pei could understand why he was now so gentle and reserved. But he was always so gloomy... it wasn't good... really not good... *Why are you always so depressed, Bai Shi?* He couldn't just ask directly.
So, he reached out and patted Bai Shi’s shoulder.
Bai Shi let out a low laugh, filled with helplessness. "This isn't working, is it?"
Pei Cangyu didn't know what to say.
"In middle school, you liked gentle people, didn't you? That class monitor—I know you liked her." Bai Shi still didn't look up, but his pace of speech quickened. It was a tone Pei Cangyu had never heard before. "So what kind do you like now? There has to be a direction."
Pei Cangyu truly didn't know what to say. He had no choice but to sit back down opposite Bai Shi and begin weighing his words.
Bai Shi still didn't look up. He stared at a single point on the floor without blinking, his hand never loosening its grip. There was even a hint of reproach in his voice. "You’re always like this. You can't understand a single person who appears before you."
Pei Cangyu was stunned. What was that supposed to mean?
They fell into silence again. Pei Cangyu desperately wanted to say something, but he didn't know how to express it, or even what to express.
The silence ended when Bai Shi let go of his hand.
Pei Cangyu watched as Bai Shi’s tensed back straightened and the hard lines of his body gradually relaxed. That sword-drawn aura vanished in an instant, causing Pei Cangyu to lower his guard. It was only then that he realized Bai Shi had such a powerful ability to influence the emotions of those around him.
Bai Shi looked up and smiled, as if he hadn't just made those strange remarks. He looked at Pei Cangyu with a smile. "Do you have a girlfriend right now?"
Pei Cangyu shook his head honestly.
Bai Shi’s tone was light as he continued, "Then what are your concerns?"
Pei Cangyu was speechless. "It’s not a matter of 'concerns'."
"Then what is it?" Bai Shi looked at him calmly.
"It’s..." Pei Cangyu frowned as he thought. "It’s a matter of preference. Right? You know what a preference is."
Bai Shi nodded. "I know. A preference is like how some people love fish and some love beef. You can't force it."
Hearing the words "can't force it," Pei Cangyu nodded frantically. "Right, right, right! That’s exactly what I mean."
"But have you ever eaten fish?"
"I have."
"Have you ever eaten beef?"
"I have. What about it?"
"Which one do you like?"
"...Fish, I guess."
"Have you ever had a girlfriend?"
"I have."
"Have you ever had a boyfriend?"
"...No."
"Then how can you make a judgment to compare them? You have to taste both beef and fish before you can compare them, right?"
...
...
...
Something was wrong here.
Pei Cangyu’s throat moved. "The meaning is... it’s like this... I mean..."
Bai Shi looked at him calmly.
A traitorous voice in Pei Cangyu’s head kept agreeing: *Damn, Bai Shi actually makes a lot of sense.* Pei Cangyu had to tell that voice to shut up and stop bothering his thoughts. But as soon as the voice left, his mind went blank. Then the voice would come back, muttering, *He really does have a point.* Pei Cangyu kept shouting: *Get lost, don't speak for him.* The voice vanished again, and Pei Cangyu’s mind returned to a total blank.
Bai Shi looked down and toyed with his own fingers. He turned his hands over, drawing Pei Cangyu’s gaze. His low voice flowed through the night like an unfinished ambiguity lingering in the air.
"Not everyone is lucky enough to have the person they love love them back."
Pei Cangyu’s face flushed instantly. He was extremely unaccustomed to people talking like this. It didn't fit a "real man's" way of speaking.
But Bai Shi continued. His voice was beautiful, a huskiness mixed with an indescribable sorrow. It was a lonely confession in the deep of night, exposing weaknesses only to one person. It was like an unspoken declaration of love, delivered in a nonchalant, calm tone that masked a heavy, suppressed emotion, slowly enveloping Pei Cangyu.
"If you could be deconstructed, broken down into your component parts—like your personality, your looks, your experiences, or even finer details like your eyes, your fingers, your knees, and your laughter—then I could pick and choose. I could select the parts I like, and even if you didn't want me, I could use those elements to build a new you. A complete you, my favorite version of you, who also loves me back. But once the assembly was finished, I’d feel that if it wasn't your ear, it wouldn't be right. If it wasn't your voice, it wouldn't do. That’s when I realized—that wouldn't be you. It would just be a stranger.
"So then I find myself wanting even the parts I don't like, the parts I thought weren't that important. In the end, I’m still the loser, because I have no way to pick and choose. And you’re so selfish; you won't even give me a piece of the heart you broke somewhere else.
"I thought I should become you—after all, for me, there is no closer way to be near you than to become you.
"I shouldn't have been treated like this. I have a bright future. I have a strong will. My prospects are so great even a blind man could see them. But you came and went, and you left too fast. I have no way to forget, and I don't know how to make peace with it.
"I really have no other way. I can only imprison myself in this circle I've drawn.
"I could never do it willingly.
"I think I am definitely not doing this willingly.
"No one would ever do this willingly."
Bai Shi looked up at him. Pei Cangyu’s reflection was perfectly captured in his dark pupils. His face was full of pain, like a deeply aggrieved child forced to grit his teeth and say he hated something.
"So, I don't like you," Bai Shi concluded.
Pei Cangyu was stunned. He stared blankly, and seeing the shimmer in Bai Shi’s eyes, he suddenly leaned down, cupped the other man's face, and gave him a light kiss.
He thought: *How could anyone deserve to make someone else this miserable?*
No one could be so self-righteous, so indifferent, so complacent.
No one *should* be so self-righteous, so indifferent, so complacent.
And so, he kissed Bai Shi.
***
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Stolen Jade | Chapter 18 | A Sympathetic Kiss | Novela.app | Novela.app
