“Hey, tell me the truth, have you ever... been with a girl?”
Pei Cangyu lay flat on his desk, only his eyes visible, as he whispered to Bai Shi during class.
It appeared that once a person began suffering from the malady of "erotic dreams," the symptoms would rapidly sweep through their entire social circle. Simultaneously, Pei Cangyu had finally found a suitable euphemism for sexual intercourse: "being together." What else could he use? "Making love" was too flowery; saying it aloud would make anyone cringe. "Gone to bed" was acceptable, but still felt too literary for casual conversation and somewhat unrealistic—they weren't even sure if things were ever that formal. "Slept with" was a fitting term, but it required a specific object to sound right. Otherwise, saying "So-and-so has slept with women" made the person sound like some legendary Casanova with an extensive romantic history. Teenage boys hated boosting another's ego, so that phrase was strictly off-limits unless it was "So-and-so slept with So-and-so," which felt more appropriate. The problem was that even if they counted until the sun went down, those with actual experience could be counted on two hands—and boys only counted other boys, never "couples." As for cruder slang, they didn't even consider it. They were, after all, still in a classroom, and as decent young men, they wouldn't stoop that low.
Bai Shi, who was busy with a practice paper, spared him a glance. “Aren't you going to do the problems?”
Pei Cangyu scratched his hair in frustration and leaned closer to Bai Shi. “Don't tell anyone, especially that guy from Class Seven.”
Bai Shi nodded.
“A few days ago, that junior from the second year came to see me. He asked if I had a girlfriend...”
Bai Shi’s pen stopped. “Does he like you? Is your business so broad that you're open to guys too?”
Pei Cangyu frowned and gave him a light smack. “Cut the crap. Just listen.”
Bai Shi set his pen down.
“He told me there’s a girl in his class who wants to find me.”
“Find you for what? To date?”
Pei Cangyu sat up. “That’s what I thought. But he said no, she just wants to hook up—those were his exact words.”
Bai Shi turned around, looking at him with uncharacteristic gravity. “What did you tell him?”
Pei Cangyu pressed his tongue against the inside of his cheek, making it bulge, while his eyes drifted away—a sign that he was engaged in a rare moment of deep thought.
Then he answered, “I said I have exams coming up, so let’s talk about it later.”
Having said that, Pei Cangyu slumped back onto the desk in despair. “Ugh, now the juniors must look down on me. My image is completely ruined...”
Bai Shi nodded. “You’re a student. Any normal person would understand.”
“...”
Pei Cangyu twirled his pen. The bell rang to end the period. He glanced out the window and muttered to himself, “Besides, doing it too early probably isn't good for you anyway.”
Bai Shi watched him for a moment before turning back to his paper, but suddenly, he found he couldn't focus on the questions anymore.
***
After school, he went to see Shang [Name] again.
Shang [Name] always wore red dresses. Although the style changed every time, the color remained constant. Today, Bai Shi stared at a small ink stain on the hem of her skirt for a long time. Why would there be a drop of ink there?
“What are you looking at?”
“Your dress.”
Shang [Name] stepped out from behind her desk and leaned against it. Her skirt was very short, the hem pulled tight. She wore nude stockings, and as she shifted her weight, crossing one leg over the other, the hem slid from one thigh to the other. Where the fabric had just been, a faint indentation was left on her leg, revealing a hint of flushed skin beneath.
She reached out with her index finger, tilting Bai Shi’s chin up and tapping it lightly. “What are you looking at?”
Bai Shi stared at her. “Have you ever slept with someone?”
Shang [Name] smiled. “Of course.”
“Generally speaking, at what age can a man have sex?” Bai Shi asked seriously, as if discussing an academic thesis.
“That depends on the age of the male when both parties reach a mutual agreement.” Shang [Name] let go of Bai Shi and leaned back against the desk.
The lighting in her room had changed.
She had replaced it with an old, low desk lamp with a green glass shade. The switch was a tasseled pull-cord made of loosely arranged beads. As Shang [Name] leaned back, she brushed against the cord, causing the beads to sway like drifting spirits. The pale yellow light made the dark solid wood of the desk look even heavier. The natural grain of the wood formed concentric circles near her hand, looking like ripples frozen in the surface, spreading beneath the books, the fountain pen, the ink bottle, and toward the edge of the desk—toward her legs.
Bai Shi watched the ripples vanish beneath the hem of her skirt. At the boundary between the fabric and the stockings, the flesh-colored tone felt inexplicably hot.
She shifted again, supporting herself on the other leg. Noticing where Bai Shi’s gaze was fixed, she smiled. “Why the sudden interest?”
Bai Shi looked up. “Curiosity.”
“And the catalyst?”
Bai Shi remained silent.
“It’s not hard to guess. After all, every time you come here, it’s related to him.”
Bai Shi frowned. “It’s not about Student Liu. If I stay away from my seatmate, she’ll stay away too, so...”
Shang [Name] shook her head, interrupting him for the first time. “I wasn't talking about Student Liu.”
Bai Shi fell silent.
Shang [Name] reached for a cigarette pack on the desk, clicked it open, and pulled out a long, slender cigarette. She took out her black, engraved lighter and lit it.
“What do you think of homosexuality?”
Bai Shi thought for a moment. “It’s not quite normal?”
“Why do you think that?”
Bai Shi recalled the graffiti-covered walls of the Lizhi Institute. If all gay people were like that, it was certainly abnormal. “Excessive self-consciousness.”
Shang [Name] tilted her slender neck back, exhaling smoke into the air. “Excessive self-consciousness can hardly be defined as an 'abnormality.'”
Bai Shi wasn't particularly interested in the topic.
Shang [Name] looked down at him. “To you, what is your seatmate?”
Bai Shi was startled by the question. It felt like being asked why one plus one equals two; he didn't see the point in asking.
But he reacted quickly. “Are you trying to say I’m gay?”
Shang [Name] smiled and tapped the ash from her cigarette. “That depends on how you define homosexuality.”
Bai Shi sighed, finally playing along. “Homosexuality is... for example, I think sexual orientation is a spectrum, like the color spectrum. It goes from one side to the other based on wavelength. Orientation is the same, moving from one side to the other based on physiological preference for a certain gender. An individual's preference for a type isn't fixed; at certain stages, they might prefer one category. Being too far to one side might be considered purely homosexual, while being too far to the other might be considered purely heterosexual.”
“Subjective?”
“Dynamic.”
“Self-defined?”
“Self-defined.”
“Then what about Pei Cangyu?”
Bai Shi hesitated. “What I feel for him isn't a 'preference.' A preference would involve sexual impulse, like what Bai Jiang feels.”
Shang [Name] turned her hand over, the cigarette standing between her fingers. She squinted at Bai Shi. “You don't have that for him?”
Bai Shi looked at her firmly. “No.”
“Have you ever had a sexual impulse?”
Bai Shi didn't answer.
Shang [Name]’s fingers moved to the hem of her skirt. She hooked it, then let go, letting it snap back. To Bai Shi, the sound was exceptionally loud, almost like an explosion in the room.
Shang [Name] leaned down, her face nearly touching his. “Bai Shi, you are different. I have great expectations for you. Do you want to know what they are?”
Bai Shi stared at her neck, his breath filled with her perfume. “No.”
That was the truth; he really didn't want to know. Besides, there was nothing to guess. What could people like Shang [Name], or that reporter his family had dealt with last time, possibly expect?
It didn't matter. None of it mattered. It would be abnormal if they approached him without wanting something; everyone in the Bai family understood that.
She sighed in his ear. “You’re too young.”
As if possessed, Bai Shi reached out and finally placed his hand on her leg. He kept it there. A searing heat radiated from beneath his palm, as if he were resting it on a volcano.
“Did a single sentence from him provoke you this much?”
Bai Shi felt a ringing in his ears; he couldn't hear clearly. His hand was being burned, and he knew he should pull it away, but he didn't want to. He felt that this was a part of growing up, that he would move faster than everyone else.
Shang [Name] crushed her cigarette on the desk, flicked it away with her finger, and sat back. Bai Shi’s body involuntarily moved toward the heat source. She crossed her legs, her high heel hitting the floor with a sharp *clack*. “Let’s get one thing straight: I’m not a good woman.”
Bai Shi heard that sentence clearly. “That’s perfect. I’m not a good person either.”
She sat on the desk with her legs apart. Bai Shi stood up abruptly, hooked one of her legs, and draped it over his arm. She let out a small gasp and wrapped her arms around his neck. Once she caught her breath, she smiled. “You’re so tall.”
Bai Shi’s hands began to wander over her body.
***
Pei Yueshan had found a job.
Since his return, he had first gone out looking for work in a suit, then in a jacket, and finally, while wearing overalls, he had found a manual labor job.
Grandma was just happy that he had work, knowing it would make him feel better, but she only truly relaxed when she saw the tension leave his face.
Pei Yueshan bought Pei Cangyu a pen with the words "Pass Every Exam" printed on it.
Pei Cangyu took it and said softly, “I have pens.”
Then he wiped it carefully and put it in his pencil case. Pei Yueshan looked at the messy case, stained with ink, and said, “I’ll buy you a new pencil case next time.”
Pei Cangyu curled his lip. “No need.”
Then, after a thought, he added, “Make it a blue one, then.”
Pei Yueshan smiled and picked up his chopsticks, glancing at Pei Cangyu. “You’re really easy to please.”
Pei Cangyu patted his chest. “That’s how a real man is—broad-minded.”
Grandma just watched them and smiled.
This was the most relaxed night since Pei Yueshan had returned—at least, that’s what Pei Cangyu thought.
“Doing homework?” Pei Yueshan had finished his shower and walked over to Pei Cangyu’s desk.
Pei Cangyu nodded. He was organizing his mistakes from a practice test. His father stood beside him, looking down. Water dripped from his damp hair, landing with a *splat* on Pei Cangyu’s paper.
Pei Yueshan pulled a tissue and wiped it. “Sorry.”
“It’s fine.” Pei Cangyu didn't mind at all.
Pei Yueshan continued to watch him write. This time, a drop of water from his hair fell onto Pei Cangyu’s wrist. Pei Cangyu still didn't react. Pei Yueshan used the tissue to wipe it for him.
“Do you find it difficult?”
Pei Cangyu’s face flushed instantly. “It’s okay...”
Pei Yueshan turned to look at him. “Which middle school are you planning to attend?”
Pei Cangyu’s voice dropped in pitch. “I’ll see my scores after the exams...”
Pei Yueshan nodded and reached out to pat Pei Cangyu’s head. “I’m going to sleep.”
“Okay.”
He got into bed. Pei Cangyu dimmed the desk lamp, making the room much darker.
Pei Yueshan looked at him. “You don't have to do that.”
“It’s fine.”
One major reason Pei Cangyu was writing so tirelessly late into the night was that he had done well on his recent test—his best performance yet—which had sparked a new motivation to study. But he hadn't told Grandma, wanting to avoid raising her expectations too high.
Thinking about it, his grades were improving, his dad had a job, and Grandma’s episodes were becoming less frequent. It seemed like the family was finally moving in the right direction, finally getting on track. Pei Cangyu could already imagine himself entering high school, going to register with his dad and grandma, and taking a spirited photo at the school gate to put in a new frame. In the blink of an eye, he would grow up and attend the university Grandma always dreamed of. They would take another photo at the university gates. Maybe his dad would be remarried by then; after all, his dad was still quite handsome. That would make a family of four. Maybe he’d have a younger brother or sister. If he could choose, he’d want a brother. Pei Cangyu knew how to have fun; he could teach his brother everything he knew...
Pei Cangyu turned off the light and carefully climbed into bed. He lifted a corner of the quilt and slipped inside, trying his best not to wake his father. In a while, if they had enough money, they could buy another bed, or maybe put up a curtain so he wouldn't disturb anyone when he kept the light on late.
The bed was warm. Once inside, Pei Cangyu pulled up the covers and lay on his side, thinking that it was his turn for class duty tomorrow. Drowsily, he began to drift into sleep.
He was jolted awake by a source of heat. He felt something very hot behind him. He opened his eyes and processed the sensation for a moment before realizing it was his father’s embrace. He was too close.
He moved slightly and discovered something even more alarming. There was something against his back, pressing into him.
Pei Cangyu was stunned. He was wide awake now, but suddenly he didn't know what to do. Had he been sleeping too soundly?
He tried to move, to shift forward.
Suddenly, a hand gripped his shoulder and pulled him back. He was instantly pressed against the person behind him. He was almost trembling. He wanted to turn his head, but like in every ghost story, he felt that if he turned around now, he would surely see the face of a monster.
He tried to crawl forward, but the arm behind him wrapped around his shoulder, while the other hand reached around to pin his arm down. The person finally spoke.
The voice said, “Don’t move.”
Pei Cangyu realized in a flash: he was awake, and he knew that Pei Cangyu was awake too.
He swallowed hard, his body stiff and tense. The breathing behind him gradually grew heavy. Something was moving. Pei Cangyu wasn't an idiot; he understood exactly what was happening.
Throughout the entire process, he barely even blinked. Because the shock was so great, he felt as though he were trapped in a dream.
In the rest of Pei Cangyu’s life, every time he thought back to this first night, he regretted it countless times—regretted obeying that command to "not move" and remaining still. If he had been like his later self back then, even if he had been just a few years older, Pei Cangyu believed their lives would have taken an entirely different path.
