Insomnia throughout the night was a common occurrence for the patients here.
Thus, when Shen Yannan remained slumped in bed the next day, looking sickly and listless, no one thought it out of the ordinary.
"The sunlight today is the best we've had in a while," the female nurse said, knocking on the door again to check on him. She seemed to be waiting for him to say a few more words like before, adding with a smile, "Make sure to open the window and look outside. Breathe in some of that fresh air."
Shen Yannan didn't even bother to nod, acting as if he hadn't heard a word.
To this day, there were several things he couldn't understand, the biggest being—how could this woman look so happy every day while taking care of these patients?
It was an unsolvable mystery.
Though he hadn't verbally agreed to anything, as the sun began its descent toward the horizon, he found himself sitting in the chair by the window.
"Hey! Lu Zisheng, slow down! You're never this enthusiastic for class! Why are you running so fast now?" A girl's voice drifted over. Shen Yannan even heard the clinking of charms dangling from a backpack.
Hearing that familiar name, he instinctively looked toward the window.
"Hey! I'm here!" Lu Zisheng's face suddenly appeared outside the window, grinning widely.
"Lu Zisheng, what are you doing?"
The girl's voice drew closer, and a moment later, Shen Yannan saw her.
Objectively speaking, she was quite pretty—high bridge of the nose, double eyelids, large eyes, and a heart-shaped face. She wore light eyeshadow and eyeliner; in any school, she would certainly be considered a beauty.
"Let me introduce you, this is my friend," Lu Zisheng said to the girl with a smile, before turning back to Shen Yannan. "And this is our class monitor I told you about. She insisted on walking with me today, so I brought her along to meet you."
The girl first gave Shen Yannan a polite smile, then narrowed her eyes slightly, as if trying to confirm something.
Shen Yannan felt an involuntary surge of panic under her gaze.
"Lu Zisheng, what's your friend's name?"
After a few seconds, the girl's eyes suddenly widened as she asked the question.
"Huh?" Lu Zisheng seemed to realize only then that after nearly a month, he still didn't know Shen Yannan's name. "Oh, I... I haven't asked yet..."
A dark premonition suddenly rose in Shen Yannan's heart.
"I feel like... I've seen him somewhere before..." The girl blinked, her expression appearing quite harmless as she asked again, "Excuse me, are you... Shen Yannan?"
"He doesn't like talking to strangers, stop asking. If he wants to tell us, he will," Lu Zisheng interjected.
Seeing Shen Yannan remain silent, his gaze even flickering away at the mention of the name, Lu Zisheng hurried to smooth things over. Privately, however, he suspected the class monitor had guessed correctly.
Even if it wasn't him, it was at least related.
He had no idea that Shen Yannan's mind was a complete muddle, unable to distinguish reality from a hallucination. He felt as though he were trapped in a dream.
And if it was a dream, it was a total nightmare.
"But... he really should be Shen Yannan. Don't you know? He's from that high school next to ours. He was quite famous for a while." The girl seemed a bit agitated that her words weren't being taken seriously.
*Famous?* Lu Zisheng turned his head in confusion, glancing at the girl.
In a place Lu Zisheng couldn't see, Shen Yannan's lips trembled, yet he couldn't find his voice to stop any of this.
*Don't say it.*
*Please, don't say it.*
"Of course, he wasn't famous for anything good... how should I put it... it's just..." The girl's eyes flickered. She cast a subtle glance at Shen Yannan and lowered her voice, yet ensured everyone present could hear her clearly. "There was that whole mess at the high school next door a while back. That incident... Shen Yannan... he's that Omega. He was... by that guy named Qian..."
Lu Zisheng's gaze sharpened. Sensing that nothing good would follow, he opened his mouth to stop her, but she spoke too fast for him to intervene.
"...He was raped."
"Then he dropped out. So this is where he's been..."
"Stop it!"
Even as a bystander, Lu Zisheng found the words incredibly piercing. Though it was too late, he tried to lock the stable door after the horse had bolted, shouting for her to stop.
He turned back, his heart skipping a beat as he saw Shen Yannan's already pale face turn even whiter, looking almost like a paper doll. His eyes were like a pool of stagnant water, just as they had been during that first terrified glance, yet they radiated an unspeakable sorrow and horror.
But in truth, Shen Yannan didn't feel much of anything anymore.
He could only see Lu Zisheng's lips moving, as if he were saying something urgently, but he couldn't hear a thing.
Perhaps he could pretend he hadn't heard anything at all, including those words just now.
He only remembered slamming the window shut, sliding the lock, and pulling the curtains closed in one motion.
The weather today was indeed very good.
It was just that the sun was too big, too dazzling.
The sunlight made one's eyes ache, and the shadows seemed to make the heart bleed.
Shen Yannan never liked turning on the lights in his room. Once such a habit was formed in an almost lightless, enclosed environment, it became easy to lose track of day and night.
Today was the second day he had locked himself in this room. Everything around him remained the same.
The nurse came to deliver food as usual, but he had no appetite at all. At first, he could force a little down, but a few hours later, he would go to the bathroom and vomit it all back up. Eventually, he stopped touching it altogether; the tray left exactly as it had arrived.
The nurse sighed. It felt as if everything had reverted to the state when this patient first arrived.
She tried to talk to him every day but received no response. It was like throwing stones into the ocean—a suffocating, oppressive silence.
"It's almost time for your check-up. Are you feeling any better?" the nurse asked softly, looking at the patient sitting on the bed, silently staring at a book.
Shen Yannan moved, slowly tilting his head back. His brown eyes stared blankly at the ceiling for a long time before he made his next move.
Closing the book, sliding off the bed, and walking out of the room—the entire process took nearly ten minutes.
The nurse, however, felt as if a weight had been lifted. She didn't rush him at all, slowing her pace to lead him into the examination room.
After undergoing various instrumental tests, there was one final manual evaluation. Essentially, the doctor would conduct a random Q&A session based on the patient's condition and the reason for their stay—a simple "interview" to determine if the patient could be discharged.
"How have you been feeling these past few days?" The man responsible for Shen Yannan's evaluation was a middle-aged, slightly portly Beta. He wore round-rimmed glasses and always had a smile on his face, making him seem very approachable at first glance.
Shen Yannan just looked at him and said nothing.
He had visibly lost several pounds over the last few days.
He felt that as long as the doctor wasn't blind, he should be able to see that he was "not doing well at all."
The man wasn't particularly surprised by this reaction. He continued with a few more trivial questions, which Shen Yannan occasionally answered with no more than three words.
"Is there anything you want to do right now?"
"Yes. There always has been." Shen Yannan's tone was as calm as ever, as if what he was about to say was a mere trifle.
The man looked up, a hint of expectation in his eyes.
That look made Shen Yannan want to laugh. "Doctor, haven't you always known?"
"I want to kill him."
Who "he" was went without saying.
The man shook his head almost imperceptibly, then wisely chose to change the subject.
"Shen Yannan, in your last evaluation, you clearly expressed a desire to be discharged. However, for various reasons, I still signed a conclusion denying that request." The man shifted his posture. His glasses reflected the sunlight from the window, making his expression hard to read. "Tell me, what happened during this time to make your attitude shift so quickly toward the opposite choice?"
Shen Yannan fell silent again.
It was common for patients to be unwilling to recount stories that felt like peeling back a scab. The man wasn't surprised by the silence, but he maintained an air of being all ears.
"How can you be sure," Shen Yannan leaned back in his chair, adopting a relatively relaxed posture, "that I'm not just disheartened because you've rejected my discharge requests so many times?"
This was the longest he had spoken to anyone in a while.
Even the doctor was surprised for a moment, but then he smiled.
The man asked airily, "Is that so? Is my conclusion really that important to you?"
Of course not.
Shen Yannan criticized him inwardly, but his back involuntarily stiffened.
So, what was so important?
The two fell into a rare silence.
Finally, Shen Yannan broke the deadlock. "I think I've made my current attitude very clear."
"Yes," the man's trademark smile returned, "quite clear."
"Good." Shen Yannan relaxed again. "It's fine, Doctor. Although I personally want to stay here, if you believe I am fit for discharge, I am willing to accept the result."
"However, my emotions are still prone to fluctuations. I cannot guarantee what might happen after I leave."
With that, Shen Yannan pointed to the voice recorder on the desk, which was still active.
With those few sentences, the doctor would undoubtedly have to write "Discharge Denied" once again.
The only difference was that this time, those words were exactly what Shen Yannan wanted.
He didn't want to leave.
If being discharged meant facing the chaotic voices outside and having his bloody wounds torn open over and over again, he would rather stay in this sanatorium for the rest of his life.
What was so bad about that?
As Shen Yannan left, the male doctor couldn't wait for the troublesome boy to be gone.
Shen Yannan walked slowly out of the room. The nurse was waiting outside with a smile. She didn't ask about the result, merely accompanied him as he trudged down the corridor.
They were just one turn away from his room when Shen Yannan felt both his eyelids twitch simultaneously.
Sure enough.
A person was sitting by his door, head down, arms crossed over his chest, seemingly dozing off.
Shen Yannan froze in place. He felt his blood run cold, his hands and feet turning icy.
The person sitting by the door seemed to sense something and looked up. Their gazes collided unexpectedly.
Though they were only three or four meters apart, it felt as if a vast chasm lay between them. It seemed that if either of them took a step forward, they would risk falling into an abyss and being shattered to pieces.
"I'm sorry."
Shen Yannan didn't move. The air around them seemed to freeze at those words.
Neither of them made a move to leave. The nurse finally realized the atmosphere was wrong and broke the silence.
"Excuse me, the patient needs to return to his room to rest." The smile she usually wore for Shen Yannan was gone. "Non-relatives, please leave and wait outside. Thank you."
Lu Zisheng didn't hear a single syllable from Shen Yannan. He watched as the boy stood there like a marionette, head bowed, stubbornly maintaining those few steps of distance.
The nurse stepped forward to usher Lu Zisheng away.
Lu Zisheng had no reason to violate the rules here. He could only allow himself to be half-pushed, half-led away, looking back once only to see a thin silhouette and a closing door.
The nurse sighed and went back to tending to other patients.
Because he hadn't eaten properly for days, Shen Yannan was like a withered leaf trembling in the wind. The moment his feet touched the floor inside, he nearly collapsed.
Perhaps because he was truly famished, even if the food tasted like wax, he managed to force some into his stomach over the next few days. However, if he ate too much, he would still end up vomiting it all into the toilet.
He desperately wanted a good night's sleep, but the moment he closed his eyes, nauseating images surged forth, refusing to give him a moment's peace.
That girl was right. With just a few sentences, she had plucked out the agony he had endured and laid it bare under the sun.
"Your body is about to give out. I'm calling the doctor to give you a glucose drip."
The nurse left after dropping those words.
The moment the IV needle entered his vein, Shen Yannan felt a sudden daze.
A question had been circling in his mind for far too long, and it surfaced again now: *Why am I still alive?*
It wasn't that he hadn't tried to end it, but the patrols and surveillance here were too thorough. The moment he made a move, all his "tools" would be confiscated.
That was why his room was almost empty, save for the basic furniture.
After a while, he suddenly lost the desire to die.
Though his experiences were uniquely absurd, he often told himself—
He was only seventeen. As long as he could get a discharge permit, he still had plenty of time and energy to destroy that scumbag's future.
He was only seventeen.
Shen Yannan felt his thoughts drifting further and further away.
In a little while, he would be eighteen.
*Eighteen...* He repeated the number three times in his mind before finally sinking into sleep.
The glucose drip finished faster than Shen Yannan expected. He was startled awake when the nurse came to remove the needle.
"If you're tired, sleep a bit longer. I've left your suppressants here; don't forget to use them," the nurse said with a smile.
Despite only sleeping for ten minutes, Shen Yannan felt his mental state had improved significantly.
He nodded, his desire for sleep having vanished.
Once he was sure the nurse had closed the door and left, he rolled off the bed and reached under the bedframe, pulling out a small box of cigarettes and a lighter.
He knew his every move was being watched by the cameras. The fact that they let him keep these things for so long was a tacit approval, but he still kept them hidden out of habit.
He pulled one out, placed it in his mouth, and lit it.
It wasn't that he had an addiction; it was just that taking suppressants wasn't as easy as others thought.
The clouds of smoke helped numb some of his pain receptors, making even the bead of blood drawn by the needle look less menacing.
After finishing the injection, he crushed the remaining half of the cigarette with his fingertips and tossed it into the trash.
A faint scent of Omega pheromones lingered in the air.
*Four days,* Shen Yannan counted on his fingers. The last day of his heat would be exactly on his birthday.
The days of Shen Yannan's heat were the times he slept most soundly.
Perhaps due to his constitution, he couldn't help but feel drowsy after taking suppressants.
It was a blessing.
This morning, his parents had visited him for the first time in a long while. They brought a small cake to celebrate his birthday, and it tasted quite good.
But due to work, they only stayed for a short while before leaving.
In any case, Shen Yannan couldn't quite stand his mother's fragile nerves; the slightest disturbance would set her off into uncontrollable tears, leaving him feeling awkward and at a loss.
Perhaps his own tendency to cry when emotional was hereditary.
As he was lost in thought, the nurse knocked on the door.
"There's a boy named Lu outside—the one we ran into in the hallway last time. He says he wants to see you," the nurse said hesitantly. "Do you..."
Shen Yannan blinked and instinctively looked at the vase nearby.
The flowers he had received earlier hadn't withered as quickly as he'd expected. Though they were starting to fade and some petals had fallen, they were still holding their heads up, barely clinging to bloom.
"Okay." He twitched the corner of his mouth. "It's fine. Let him in."
Lu Zisheng had been quite sad when he left that day. Although it wasn't his fault, he felt responsible.
But mostly, he felt rage.
Especially when he closed his eyes—Shen Yannan's trembling expression had taken root and sprouted in his mind, growing into a towering tree over the past few days.
So, he had simply gone ahead and done two big things.
First, he had spent hours scouring the website of the neighboring school until he finally found the other's birthday.
Second... he looked at the bandage on his cheek in the mirror and sighed.
It wasn't that he hadn't felt attraction to others before, but it had always stayed at the level of a "crush" that faded after a few hours.
This was the first time someone could make him so captivated just by sitting there and looking at him once.
Or rather, he never thought he could like someone this much.
He liked him so much that even now, standing at the door with a small cake and two Red Calla Lilies, just hearing that he was allowed in made him feel incredibly exhilarated.
It was madness.
"Long time no see." Lu Zisheng placed the cake on the bedside table and held the two Red Calla Lilies out to Shen Yannan, smiling brilliantly. "Happy birthday."
Shen Yannan's expression froze when he saw the flowers. He immediately looked away, not reaching out to take them.
He really wanted to ask Lu Zisheng: *Do you ever check the flower language before giving someone flowers? Do you have any idea what you're giving me?*
Red Calla Lilies. Their meaning was the most direct and heart-stirring phrase in the world: *I like you.*
"You don't like them?" Seeing that Shen Yannan wasn't taking them, Lu Zisheng leaned in to sniff the fragrance. "I think they're quite pretty."
Okay, so he really didn't know.
Shen Yannan fell into a state of hesitation.
This "innocent" ignorance pushed him into a near-embarrassing predicament.
If he accepted the flowers, it would feel like taking advantage of the situation; when the other realized the meaning in the future, it might lead to an even more awkward scenario. But if he didn't accept them, it would be like flatly rejecting the other's goodwill, which would lead to consequences he also didn't want to see.
"If you don't object, I'll put them in the vase." Lu Zisheng didn't act like a stranger. Seeing the bouquet of Lily of the Valley he had sent before still in the vase, his mood soared, and his smile brightened.
Shen Yannan looked at the other's expression and dithered, successfully missing the chance to refuse.
*Whatever. If they're accepted, they're accepted.*
Lu Zisheng saw Shen Yannan's look of compromise and almost couldn't hold back a laugh, but when his gaze caught the scars on the other's arm, his smile vanished.
He asked, seemingly casually, "Your arm... how did that happen?"
Shen Yannan looked down and answered expressionlessly, "I did it myself."
Lu Zisheng felt as if an invisible hand had gripped his vitals, making his breath hitch.
"It happens often. Are you afraid of blood?" Shen Yannan asked, frowning as he noticed the other's tense expression.
"No." Lu Zisheng crouched down opposite Shen Yannan and shook his head.
*This guy seems smart, but he's a bit dense,* he thought, unable to help a smile. He had actually mistaken such obvious heartache for a fear of blood.
"Oh, by the way, do you know you just accepted a huge gift from me?" As an Alpha facing the person he liked, the trace of predatory instinct in Lu Zisheng's bones began to stir.
Shen Yannan's eyelashes fluttered violently, and he remained silent in avoidance.
"These are Red Calla Lilies," Lu Zisheng pressed on. "Do you know what their flower language is?"
Unexpectedly, Shen Yannan hesitated for a moment before shaking his head.
But Lu Zisheng wasn't stupid. He knew exactly what that hesitation meant.
"You really don't know?" Lu Zisheng said. "Their meaning is..."
Before he could finish, Shen Yannan finally reached his limit and interrupted him. "I'm sorry."
"I think you might have... some kind of misunderstanding. You don't know what kind of person I am at all. The person you like isn't me... the one you fell for at first sight is probably just this face," Shen Yannan said. He felt like he had spoken more in this short time than he had in months. Facing this situation gave him a headache. He pointedly avoided Lu Zisheng's gaze, and it was unclear who he was really saying these words to. "...The Red Calla Lilies... you... take them back. I can't accept this gift... I..."
"Shen Yannan!"
This was the first time Lu Zisheng had spoken to him in such a tone. He was clearly angry.
Shen Yannan couldn't help but shrink back.
Noticing this small movement, Lu Zisheng realized his tone had frightened the other. His expression softened almost instantly, and he said with some helplessness, "You aren't me."
"I know... the fact that you think this way is inseparable from what you've been through, but I think..." He looked up with conviction. "I am absolutely nothing like that person."
"Look," he pointed to his own face. "I ran into that scumbag over the last couple of days."
Shen Yannan bit his lip, looking at the bandage on Lu Zisheng's face, his eyes swirling with hidden emotions.
"I accidentally gave him a beating. It really was an accident, though I couldn't avoid getting a little scratched up myself." Lu Zisheng gestured, then suddenly laughed. "Seriously, a scumbag like that isn't worth you staying trapped in this gloom. Maybe you could try looking forward, moving on... anyway... I'm here. I'm quite willing to walk forward with you."
Shen Yannan felt his eyes sting. All the carefully rehearsed lines he had prepared in his head were useless now. He sniffed, but he couldn't hold it back; silently and quite embarrassingly, tears began to fall.
"Impulsive."
"Reckless."
Shen Yannan couldn't squeeze out a third word for a long time.
Lu Zisheng clearly hadn't expected this reaction. He was completely flustered, but at the same time, his legs were falling asleep from crouching. He simply changed positions and sat directly on the floor.
"Don't—don't cry. There's nothing to cry about." A faint smile still hung on his lips, but he really didn't know what to say. Finally, he could only whisper, "Is it because my words were too touching?"
Shen Yannan's vision blurred and cleared repeatedly. He had to blink rapidly, to the point where his eyelashes were soaked.
*Who's crying because of you, you idiot?* he thought.
"Stop crying. You're crying like I'm about to die; it's not pretty at all." Lu Zisheng plucked up his courage and dared to touch the tips of the other's fingers. "Give me a smile. I haven't seen you smile at me yet."
***
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