Three years later, Lab 2 was reopened.
The first thing Zhao Meiyou did upon emerging was ask Diao Chan, "So, did Liu Qijue and his kid finally make it official?"
Perhaps thanks to Zhao Meiyou’s absence, the dark circles under Diao Chan’s eyes had faded significantly. He looked more like a refined, scumbag-chic pretty boy than ever, wearing silver-rimmed glasses and elegantly holding a cup. Zhao Meiyou snatched the cup and took a sip, only to recoil in shock. "Holy shit, who are you? You’re actually drinking tea?"
"My mother sent it. It’s the latest craze in her social circles, and she bought too much to finish," Diao Chan said. "You’re a day late. Old Liu just left."
Zhao Meiyou raised an eyebrow. "Where to?"
Diao Chan blinked. "Marriage leave."
As soon as the words left his mouth, the two of them burst into simultaneous laughter—a mean, petty, and utterly delighted sound. It started as a pair of shifty, idiotic snickers before evolving into full-blown, shoulder-to-shoulder guffaws. The lab technicians coming to inspect the site scurried away, terrified that the Director and Deputy Director had finally lost their minds together.
After three years of sequestered research in Lab 2, Zhao Meiyou had finally found a lead. "The Buddha is essentially a supercomputer. I couldn't fully restore the source code, but I discovered it originally hosted an intelligent system. That means we can approach this from the angle of AI."
Diao Chan, buried in the files Zhao Meiyou had sent to his terminal, hummed in thought. "You want to personify the Buddha? Try to get it to repair itself?"
"Exactly." Zhao Meiyou spun around in his chair. "My brain isn't enough to parse it, so we’ll give it a brain of its own and let it do the thinking."
During those three years, he had designed a personality program that had already achieved a preliminary link with the Buddha. The results were staggering. Diao Chan looked over the report, clicking his tongue. "There’s so much 22nd-century technical heritage in here... Fuck, Zhao Meiyou, if this gets sent to the government, you’d better watch out for an 'accidental' assassination."
"Not in the short term," Zhao Meiyou said lazily, a cigarette dangling from his lips. "The personality system isn't perfect yet. The government still needs me."
Diao Chan shook his head, knowing it was the truth. If there was anyone in the Ancient Capital capable of fully restoring the data stored within the Buddha’s head, it was Zhao Meiyou.
There is a saying that there is only a fine line between a genius and a madman. That didn't quite fit Zhao Meiyou; he was simply a man whose heart was large enough to contain every state of being. To him, there was no difference between being a genius and being a lunatic.
Diao Chan watched as Zhao Meiyou used a mop to propel his rolling chair down the hallway at high speed. He had only been out for a day, and the lab building was already descending into chaos. Diao Chan sighed and dialed a number on his terminal. "...Hello, Mom? That concealer you sent last time, do you have any more? Yes, the one for dark circles... I’m not wearing makeup!" The refined gentleman finally snapped. "This is a workplace injury!"
The personality program Zhao Meiyou created was unique. It wasn't loaded directly into the Buddha’s system; instead, it existed independently. It looked more like Zhao Meiyou had built a second supercomputer to run against the first.
"Zhao Meiyou, you are truly the king of bastards," Liu Qijue remarked after returning and seeing the program. "You’re basically raising a son just to beat up his father."
Zhao Meiyou remained unfazed. "You have to use magic to defeat magic."
With the Ancient Capital’s current technology, building a supercomputer wasn't difficult. The challenge lay in giving it a sufficiently sophisticated personality. To put it delicately, they were essentially trying to recreate the android technology strictly forbidden by the Metropolis. However, as Zhao Meiyou had said, high stakes invited bold gambles. The government hadn't quite figured out what he was doing yet, and they were willing to turn a blind eye to the rumors for the sake of the results.
Still, it eventually alerted certain parties. Not long after emerging from the sealed lab, Zhao Meiyou was poisoned several times, narrowly escaping death each time. By the seventh or eighth time he woke up in the inpatient ward, he was a pro. He kicked the sleeping Liu Qijue, who was keeping watch by his bed. "Give me a smoke."
"I hope you choke to death." A groggy Liu Qijue fished a lollipop out of his pocket and tossed it over.
"The government didn't do it this time. It was a bio-conglomerate from the Upper District," Diao Chan said, pushing the door open. "I’ve already sent people to investigate. If we move fast enough, we might be able to shut them down directly."
Zhao Meiyou unwrapped the candy, took a lick, and frowned. "I don't want lychee. Swap it."
"What is wrong with you, Zhao Meiyou? You’re even picky about candy." Liu Qijue patted his pockets impatiently. "I’m out."
Diao Chan reached into his inner coat pocket, found an orange-flavored one, and handed it to Zhao Meiyou. At the same time, he said to Liu Qijue, "The Little Mister is waiting for you outside. Go back and sleep. I’ll stay with him."
Liu Qijue looked at Zhao Meiyou’s complexion and decided that with this man’s constitution, he’d probably be back to causing trouble by tomorrow. He gave a condescending farewell: "Your father is leaving. You may be excused."
"Hurry up and get lost, you idiot grandson," Zhao Meiyou waved him off. "See you in the lab tomorrow."
Diao Chan watched Liu Qijue leave, then said, "Zhao Meiyou, this can't go on. Maybe you should just go back into seclusion in Lab 2."
"I’d love to," Zhao Meiyou said around the candy, his voice muffled. "But the personality program has reached the sampling stage. It needs contact with the outside world."
"Sampling?"
"It’s like raising a kid. When they reach a certain age, they have to enter society, or they’ll become maladjusted." Zhao Meiyou thought for a moment, then rolled out of bed. Diao Chan jumped. "Zhao Meiyou, what death wish are you fulfilling now?"
Zhao Meiyou grabbed his IV pole and headed for the door. "Follow me."
They returned to Lab 2. In the middle of the vast, empty space stood a massive mainframe. Zhao Meiyou unlocked the console, opened a channel, cleared his throat, and said, "I’m back."
"I see that!" a lazy voice drawled from the console. Almost instantly, Diao Chan broke out in goosebumps—the tone and cadence were identical to Zhao Meiyou’s. The voice was different, but everything else made it sound like Zhao Meiyou’s identical twin.
Then, the console spoke again: "Oh, Diao Chan’s here too? You finally decided to bring a family member to see me?"
"I’ve told you many times," Zhao Meiyou said. "A 'family member' refers to a relative by blood or marriage. Friends don't count."
"Yeah, yeah, I know," the voice replied. "So when are you going to bring the other family members to see me?"
Zhao Meiyou’s response was to shut the system down.
He turned to Diao Chan. "Get it?"
Diao Chan got it. The personality program had spent three years day and night with Zhao Meiyou, and it had captured his essence perfectly. It needed to start sampling more human traits, like a child learning about the world. Regardless, one Zhao Meiyou in the Ancient Capital was more than enough; a "buy one, get one free" deal was entirely unnecessary.
From the moment he was discharged, Zhao Meiyou stopped burying himself in the tedious administrative affairs of the Ancient Capital. He transferred the personality system to his personal terminal and enthusiastically—or rather, impatiently—began his daily routine of causing trouble.
First, he contacted Diao Chan’s mother, the current head of the Diao family, who ran the most luxurious salon in the Upper District. A few days later, a truckload of express packages arrived at the Ancient Capital. That day, every researcher saw their Director driving a retro-styled sightseeing cart, megaphone in hand, his lazy voice echoing through the streets:
"Essential beauty tea for all-nighters! Emergency concealer for the sleep-deprived! Diao Chan uses it and swears by it! Drink it or bathe in it—it does it all!"
"Metropolis exclusive direct sales! Buy one, get one free! Don't miss out, once it's gone, it's gone!"
The Ancient Capital was a government institution; no one had ever imagined someone would start a private business there. Zhao Meiyou drove his cart, shamelessly making a spectacle of himself. For a while, the lab building was silent as everyone wondered if their Director was having a breakdown or conducting some bizarre social experiment. Finally, Liu Qijue, fresh out of a meeting, rushed out. "Zhao Meiyou, what kind of madness is this?!"
"Oh, Jue-Jue!" Zhao Meiyou chirped, holding up a thermos. "Want some tea? It’s quite refreshing!"
Liu Qijue was so revolted by the nickname "Jue-Jue" that he nearly tripped. He rolled up his sleeves to throw a punch, but Zhao Meiyou held up a hand with mock solemnity. "Wait, wait."
He pulled out a sample packet and smeared it around his eyes. Before Liu Qijue could figure out what he was doing, Zhao Meiyou leaned out of the cart to demonstrate. "Essential concealer for street fights! The Director uses it and swears by it!"
The shut-ins stared at each other; the social butterflies began to stir.
Zhao Meiyou’s eyes darted around. He grabbed Liu Qijue by the neck, hauled him into the cart, and added fuel to the fire: "A must-have for newlyweds! Look prettier than the flowers!"
The shut-ins continued to stare, but the social butterflies... there were no social butterflies left in the building. They had all swarmed out, nearly drowning the cart.
Diao Chan had been away on business that day. When he returned, he was greeted by the most bizarre looks from everyone he passed. Finally, the Little Mister explained the whole story to him.
Thanks to Zhao Meiyou’s antics, everyone in the Ancient Capital now knew that Deputy Director Diao Chan drank beauty tea and used concealer—and high-end lady brands at that. That very day, the female researchers gave him a new title: "The Lady Director." They didn't even bother with the "Deputy" anymore.
After years of diligent work, to have the Director’s title usurped in a single day was quite an achievement. However, Diao Chan couldn't find it in himself to be happy. His head throbbed, and he immediately went to settle the score with Zhao Meiyou.
At that moment, Zhao Meiyou was being hunted by Liu Qijue. After fleeing through the Ancient Capital for half the night, he finally got hungry. He dropped his "weapons" and went for a midnight snack. The cafeteria was closed, so the two of them crouched in front of an automatic food dispenser. The menu only had cake. Zhao Meiyou waved a hand dismissively, saying it was no problem—he had written the code for every dispenser in the Ancient Capital. He pulled out his terminal and hacked the machine’s processing code. Liu Qijue asked, "So, what can we eat now?"
"I changed it to Mapo Tofu," Zhao Meiyou said. "You can even take a portion back for your kid."
Mapo Tofu was the Little Mister’s favorite dish. Liu Qijue’s expression softened slightly. Then, the machine chimed, and a steaming food box popped out.
They received a Mapo Tofu-flavored cake.
The two stared at each other. Liu Qijue decided this friend was no longer worth keeping; it was better to kill and roast him on the spot. His failure apparent, Zhao Meiyou had a sudden flash of inspiration: "Hey, Diao Chan! You’re back!"
The moment Liu Qijue turned his head, Zhao Meiyou bolted.
The shout turned out to be a lucky guess. A hovercar descended from the sky, and Diao Chan really had found them. He blocked Zhao Meiyou’s path and asked, "What the hell are you playing at?"
Seeing his escape route cut off, Zhao Meiyou decisively chose to be the "hero who knows when to yield." He sat down on the curb and lit a cigarette. "What else? Sampling."
Diao Chan’s face was the picture of "I don't believe a word you say." "You turned the whole institute upside down just for sampling?"
Zhao Meiyou: *Wait a second, let me make something up.*
"Sampling isn't just about holding a meeting and getting a large number of subjects. You need genuine reactions. That requires strong external stimuli. It also happened to provide a great male-female comparison..."
Diao Chan didn't know enough about the personality program to be sure. After the smooth-talking explanation, he was half-convinced. "...Really?"
Liu Qijue: "He’s full of shit."
Zhao Meiyou: "."
A mature lie should be nine parts truth and one part falsehood; that’s how the lie delivers the killing blow. Zhao Meiyou was actually telling the truth—he was sampling—but there were many ways to sample, and he certainly didn't need to play street vendor. He was building a bridge.
"There’s been some friction within the Ancient Capital lately, and the government is getting suspicious," Zhao Meiyou said. "The higher-ups refused to approve further funding for my personality program research."
Diao Chan frowned. "And?"
"I’m broke." Zhao Meiyou held out his hands as if it were the most natural thing in the world. "You’ve seen the daily operating costs of Lab 2. The amount of money the mainframe burns through every day is enough to keep me working for the government for the rest of my life just to pay it off."
"If you’re broke, why didn't you come to me?"
"I did," Zhao Meiyou said shamelessly. "That’s why everything I sold today was from your family."
Diao Chan froze, then understood. "You contacted my mother?"
"To be precise, your mother contacted me," Zhao Meiyou said. "Diao Chan, when you go home to play the young master, keep your wits about you. Don't blab everything. When your mother called, I felt like she’d stripped me down to my underwear."
Diao Chan wanted to say his lips were sealed, but his mother was simply a force of nature. Everyone in the Metropolis knew the current head of the Diao family was not to be trifled with. Even the government went to great lengths to plant people in the Ancient Capital; heaven only knew how deep his mother’s influence had penetrated the institute.
Liu Qijue understood now, too. The government wanted to cut off Zhao Meiyou’s research, and the only power in the Metropolis capable of rivaling the government was the Diao family. As the Director of the Ancient Capital, Zhao Meiyou had the authority to bring in independent funding. By giving the Diao family this opening, he could keep the experiment going.
However, the Ancient Capital had maintained a delicate balance between various factions under his careful maneuvering all these years. Now that he had placed his bet, he might be gambling his entire future.
"Drink less coffee," Zhao Meiyou patted Diao Chan’s shoulder. "You need to live a long time."
Diao Chan was the only son of the Diao family head. If the Diao family eventually fell into his hands, they would win this game spectacularly.
Everything was understood without being said. The three of them crouched by the road, smoking, until Diao Chan finally spoke: "So, after a day of sampling, what are the results?"
"Let me see." Zhao Meiyou had been hunted by Liu Qijue all day and hadn't had time to organize the data. He opened the system on his terminal, and an incredibly obnoxious voice immediately rang out: "Oh, if it isn't the Lady Director! Hello, Director!"
Before Diao Chan or Zhao Meiyou could react, the voice added: "Jue-Jue’s here too! Happy wedding, Jue-Jue!"
The three of them: "..."
"I think the Director’s seat will be yours sooner or later, Diao Chan," Liu Qijue said, smashing the Mapo Tofu cake into Zhao Meiyou’s face. He turned to Diao Chan. "No time like the present. Let’s commit regicide and take the throne."
With the influx of Diao family capital, Zhao Meiyou was able to continue his research. He had predicted that while a human takes eighteen years to reach adulthood, his program could do it in about ten, with some shortcuts.
By the seventh year of research, the personality in the terminal had evolved from a Zhao Meiyou clone to a "Lady" version of Diao Chan, a "Newlywed" version of Liu Qijue, and finally a muddled hodgepodge of all three. For a while, Diao Chan’s mother visited the Ancient Capital, and Zhao Meiyou helped host her. After prolonged contact, the personality became sharp and cynical. The current Diao family head was truly a difficult character, and hearing that gender-neutral, biting tone from his terminal gave Zhao Meiyou a stomachache. He decided this couldn't continue; he needed a strong dose of reality.
He found his two friends and announced, "I’m playing hooky for a while."
"Don't you always play hooky?" Diao Chan looked at him, puzzled. "Why the formal announcement?"
Liu Qijue’s intuition flared. "What trouble are you causing now?"
Zhao Meiyou: "I’m going back to the Metropolis."
"So go. Everyone in the Ancient Capital has vacation rights except the Director..." Diao Chan suddenly realized what Zhao Meiyou had said, and his voice spiked. "Say that again?!"
"Keep it down, ancestor." Zhao Meiyou’s ears rang from the shout. "There are only about a thousand people in the Ancient Capital. I’ve sampled almost everyone over the last few years, even the dog at the cafeteria gate... but it’s not enough."
He paused, his expression turning serious. "The data is still insufficient."
Currently, aside from the distant research station in Antarctica, the only place with a massive concentration of people was the Metropolis.
Liu Qijue didn't hesitate much. "Sure. When are we leaving? I’m coming too."
Zhao Meiyou: "Bringing the family?"
Liu Qijue: "Obviously."
Diao Chan was stunned. He knew Zhao Meiyou’s temperament; once the man made a decision, there was no stopping him. Trying to block him would only make things messier. He took a deep breath. "How long will you be gone?"
Zhao Meiyou: "Two weeks?"
Diao Chan choked, nearly dying on the spot. He finally exploded. "Wake up, Zhao Meiyou! Even if my mother came herself, she couldn't cover for you for two weeks!"
"Don't be such a mama’s boy," Zhao Meiyou said earnestly. "It makes it hard to find a partner."
Diao Chan sneered. "Who was the one acting like a lapdog last time, calling her 'Godmother' this and 'Godmother' that?"
"With our relationship, your mom is my mom. No need to be polite."
Diao Chan continued to sneer, pointing at Liu Qijue. "With our relationship, I dare you to say your wife is my wife."
"..." Zhao Meiyou played dumb. "Anyway, this trip will take at least seven days. During those seven days..."
"Three days max," Diao Chan declared. "And I’m going with you."
"Deal." Zhao Meiyou agreed instantly, heading straight for the garage. "No time like the present. Let’s move."
Diao Chan couldn't help but feel suspicious. *He gave in that easily?*
In the car, the Little Mister, who was driving, watched Zhao Meiyou lean over the console to adjust the range. "Director, didn't you say we were only going for half a day?"
"Our Deputy Director is magnanimous." Zhao Meiyou patted his shoulder. "Quick, say thank you to the Deputy Director."
Diao Chan: "..."
They left under the cover of night, the Morning Star flickering in the sky. Zhao Meiyou slept like the dead in the car. After an unknown amount of time, Diao Chan shook him awake. "We’re here. Where do you want to go?"
"We’re here?" Zhao Meiyou opened his eyes groggily. "I haven't been back in almost twenty years. Who’s going to be the tour guide?"
Zhao Meiyou opened the window. The city of his memory now stretched above the clouds—a forest of jade towers and palaces, lights as bright as day. It was like the legendary White Jade Capital, a city in the sky.
"The newest level is under construction; they’ve reached the 790th floor," Liu Qijue said, tapping his terminal. "There’s a night show at the Chuyun Theater in half an hour. Want to go?"
Zhao Meiyou wasn't fully awake yet. He waved a hand. "That’ll do. Let’s go."
A night show at this hour wouldn't feature any famous actors. Zhao Meiyou scanned the promotional page and saw they were performing *Ji Gong*. As for the singing style, he didn't understand a lick of it. He rarely listened to opera; he only agreed because he was tired. Chuyun was the best theater in the Middle District, and the private boxes had daybeds, making it a perfect place to sleep.
Diao Chan didn't understand opera either. Zhao Meiyou set his terminal to automatic sampling mode, and the two of them shared a pillow, falling into a deep sleep on the floor.
Liu Qijue glanced back but said nothing. Ever since Zhao Meiyou started the personality program and the Diao family’s funds entered the Ancient Capital, neither of them had had a good night’s sleep in years.
He and the Little Mister understood opera. They listened to the entire performance while the two on the floor showed no signs of waking. Liu Qijue went to renew the tickets. The next show was *Havoc in Heaven*, a lively piece where the Great Sage wreaks havoc at the Peach Banquet and fights a hundred thousand heavenly soldiers. It was a chaotic, earth-shaking affair. Multicolored lights flashed into the box, illuminating Zhao Meiyou’s face, but even with the thunderous drums and gongs, he remained as still as a statue.
The Little Mister watched Diao Chan roll over while Zhao Meiyou stayed dead to the world. "Does the Director always sleep this well?"
"No one’s trying to poison him here," Liu Qijue said. "Let him sleep. We’ll talk when he wakes up."
Zhao Meiyou didn't know how long he slept. When he woke, Diao Chan was already drinking coffee. "What are they singing now?" He looked at the white-faced scholar on stage. "Is he calling for a soul?"
The Little Mister explained, "Director, this is *The Peony Pavilion*."
Zhao Meiyou watched for a while, then decided the way the female lead flicked her water sleeves looked exactly like a chef pulling noodles in a hotpot shop—except you couldn't eat these. He waved a hand. "Forget it. I don't understand the hobbies of you cultured folk."
Liu Qijue: "It’s like casting pearls before swine."
"Even a swine has its dignity," Zhao Meiyou said, pulling out a cigarette. "If you want me to sit here for two hours watching someone pull dough on stage, come back in a few lifetimes."
***
**Glossary**
Chinese | English | Notes/Explanation
--- | --- | ---
人格程序 | Personality Program | The AI system Zhao Meiyou is developing.
采样 | Sampling | Data collection from human behavior to train the AI.
2号实验场 | Lab 2 | The high-security experimental site in the Ancient Capital.
小先生 | Little Mister | Liu Qijue's partner/spouse.
白玉京 | White Jade Capital | A mythical celestial city, used here to describe the Metropolis.
出雲戏院 | Chuyun Theater | A high-end theater in the Metropolis.
游园惊梦 | The Peony Pavilion | Specifically the "Wandering in the Garden, Waking from a Dream" act of the classic Kunqu opera.
贵妇院长 | The Lady Director | A mocking nickname given to Diao Chan.
闹天宫 | Havoc in Heaven | A famous episode from *Journey to the West* often performed in opera.
Enjoying the story? Rate this novel:
Thus Spoke the Buddha: The Quantum Circus | Chapter 33 | Sampling the Soul | Novela.app | Novela.app
