Zhang Jin’an watched Zhang Qingyue, waiting for her to continue.
Looking at the artificial flowers in the glass vase on the table, Zhang Qingyue spoke slowly. "I took my annual leave not long ago. It should have been a happy occasion; I had so much time to do so many things. But when I actually sat down to do them, I realized I didn't know how to do anything at all. I realized I have no hobbies, no interests. So, I spent that entire leave just staying at home, doing absolutely nothing."
Zhang Jin’an watched as her gaze shifted slowly from the flowers to him. Her lips curled into a self-deprecating smirk. "I really envy you two. Ge, you’ve had a clear goal since you were a kid—you wanted to be an actor. When you rest, you play games or surf the web; you do whatever you want to do. And even though Shuyu didn't do well in school early on, she had things she liked, celebrities she followed, and in the end, she worked hard for her goals.
"But me? Since I was little, I was always 'the child of others.' All the parents in the neighborhood used me as a model for their own kids, telling them to learn from me. But what use is any of that to me? My only motivation has always been study, work, study, work. Now, I feel utterly hollow—I have no identity and no life. I pick up my phone to watch a drama and find it tasteless. I want to play a game and realize I don't know how. Then time tells me I’m already twenty-five. I’ve lived for twenty-five years, yet I haven’t done a single thing well."
Zhang Jin’an finally understood. Zhang Qingyue was currently lost, panicking because she didn't know how to do anything besides study.
In truth, this was a simple hurdle to clear. Everyone’s lifestyle is different; there is no need to compare oneself to others. However, Zhang Qingyue was someone who held herself to extremely high standards and possessed a fierce sense of pride. she bottled up every frustration. Over time, once she hit a low point, she would lose her sense of judgment and get trapped in even the smallest of circles.
Zhang Jin’an let out a sigh. "Actually, I feel quite guilty toward you."
Zhang Qingyue blinked, startled. "Why? It’s not like you’ve done anything wrong to me."
"The responsibility of inheriting the family business should have been thrust upon me," Zhang Jin’an said. "But I ran away, and that pressure fell on you instead."
Seeing the light dim in Zhang Jin’an’s eyes, Zhang Qingyue immediately shook her head and moved to comfort him. "It’s a good thing for a person to have something they love. If we had forced that burden onto you anyway, then *we* would be the ones who failed *you*. I’m only twenty-five; I still have a long road ahead of me. You don't need to feel guilty."
Zhang Jin’an flashed a meaningful smile. "See? You’ve figured it out, haven't you?"
"Ah..." Zhang Qingyue froze for a second, then pointed at him and laughed. "Fine! So that was just an act?"
"Half-acting, half-truth," Zhang Jin’an said, his gaze warm and his tone gentle. "Like you said, you’re only twenty-five. Your life is still long, and there are many things you can still do. Besides, everyone is different. You envy others for having a 'life,' while others envy you for being exceptional."
Zhang Qingyue fell silent. After a moment of reflection, she murmured softly, "It really is nice having an older brother at home."
Zhang Jin’an caught it clearly.
"What was that?" Zhang Jin’an leaned in, cupping his right hand to his ear in an obviously deliberate gesture. "Say it again."
Having vented her frustrations, Zhang Qingyue felt a weight lift from her shoulders. Her spirits restored, she shook her head at him. "Not saying it. I’m leaving."
As she stood up, she remembered something and turned back to him. "Oh, right. Did you tell Zhang Shuyu you were coming here to film?"
"No," Zhang Jin’an replied. "You didn't tell her either?"
"I signed a non-disclosure agreement," Zhang Qingyue suddenly let out a snort, shaking her head with a sigh. "You two really are siblings. You’re both keeping secrets from each other."
"What is she hiding from me?"
Zhang Qingyue gave him an enigmatic smile. "Not telling. I really have to go now." With that, she actually stood up to leave.
Zhang Jin’an stood up with her. He wasn't particularly curious; it was likely just some prank she was planning. That girl pulled something every year.
They walked together to the door before stopping.
"Are you going straight back to your room?" Zhang Qingyue asked.
Zhang Jin’an shook his head. "Going to the beach."
Zhang Qingyue crossed her arms and sized him up. She wouldn't have been surprised if he’d said he was going to an arcade, but the beach? That was unexpected. "What for? To look at the sea? That doesn't sound like you."
"I’m taking someone from the show."
"Oh." Zhang Qingyue naturally assumed he was taking the other cast members. "Be careful when you’re out with a group. Watch out for crowds. If you take them to the market area, you should split up so you don't draw too much attention."
Zhang Jin’an thought to himself: *If the two of us split up, wouldn't that just be the same as going out alone?* However, the misunderstanding didn't matter much, and he didn't feel like explaining. He simply nodded. "Right, got it."
"I’m off then." Zhang Qingyue took a step toward the door and checked her watch again. "Contact me on my phone if anything comes up."
Zhang Jin’an hummed in affirmation. "Go on."
Zhang Qingyue took one last look at him and turned to leave, but at that moment, she felt a hand ruffle her hair. She spun back around instantly, only to hear the man in front of her say in a low voice:
"Don't put so much pressure on yourself anymore. You are our pride."
Zhang Qingyue was momentarily stunned, then a smile broke across her face. "You too. Take care of yourself. Don't let me see news of 'Actor Zhang' being hospitalized in the entertainment headlines."
Only after he nodded and promised he would did Zhang Qingyue finally turn around, walking toward the elevator bank without looking back.
She didn't know why she was walking so fast, as if something were chasing her, even though she knew nothing was. It wasn't until she stood before the elevator and pressed the 'up' button that she took a slow breath, and a sharp sting finally hit the bridge of her nose.
Zhang Qingyue looked up at the numbers slowly descending. The display stopped at 09.
In June 2009, Zhang Qingyue had a specific title: Gao Kao candidate.
That day, under the prayers of ten thousand people, the weather was bright and the sun was just right. Circles of parents surrounded the school gates; though they came from different places, they all instinctively left a path open for the students.
Everyone gets exceptionally nervous during the College Entrance Exam, and Zhang Qingyue was no exception. Because her parents were busy, Zhang Jin’an was the one who drove her to the school.
While Zhang Jin’an was still in the car paying the fare, Zhang Qingyue stepped out of the taxi first. The spot where they dropped off was a short distance from the school gates—a path she had walked a thousand times.
The tips of Zhang Qingyue’s ponytail fluttered in the wind. Looking at the crowds in the distance, she suddenly felt like a person who had fallen into deep water. Every breath felt like she was choking; she felt an irrepressible urge to vomit, as if her heart might come up in the next second.
She tapped her chest, trying to steady her mind, but the voices of many people seemed to drift into her ears:
*"With Zhang Qingyue’s scores, a 985 university isn't a problem. Even if she messes up, she’ll definitely make the first-tier cut."*
*"I’m so jealous of Zhang Qingyue. She’s so good at studying, she could rank at the top with her eyes closed."*
*"It’s just because her family is well-off and she’s learned so much. If I had a family like hers, I could study that well too."*
*"Why can't you learn from Zhang Qingyue? Look at how well she does."*
*"Why does she work so hard? Hasn't her family already arranged everything for her after graduation? What a poser."*
...
To the Zhang Qingyue of that time, Zhang Jin’an’s voice was like a god descending from the heavens. When she snapped back to reality, she realized her hands were shaking.
Zhang Jin’an had noticed it too. He frowned and asked, "Why are you shaking so hard? Are you okay?"
Zhang Qingyue gripped his sleeve tightly. By then, Zhang Jin’an was already very tall, and she had to look up to see him. When she spoke, her voice trembled as well. "Ge... did I forget anything? Do I have my admission ticket? Do I have my pens? Did I bring my ink pens?"
Zhang Jin’an replied patiently, "You have everything. You checked eleven times yesterday. You have it all, you have it all."
"Do you think I’ll miss the first-tier cutoff by just a little? What if I can't even make the second-tier?"
"Don't worry. Didn't your second mock exam show that you could take your pick between Peking University and Nanjing University?" Zhang Jin’an slowly pried her hands away. "Just relax a little..."
"What if I don't do well?" Zhang Qingyue grabbed him again, but this time she didn't grab his clothes; she grabbed his upper arms directly. Zhang Jin’an let out a pained hiss.
She stared intently at him, her words coming faster and faster. "What if I fail? I’m afraid I’ve forgotten everything, I can't remember a thing—"
Zhang Jin’an continued to reply patiently, "You won't. Calm down..."
Zhang Qingyue pressed on, "Will I have to repeat the year?"
Despite her constant interruptions, Zhang Jin’an kept his voice gentle even as he frowned. "Qingyue, calm down first. You’re too tense..."
Her expression was grim, her grip tightening further. "What will they say about me if I fail?"
Zhang Jin’an endured the pain, gritting his teeth. "You won't!"
Ignoring him, she continued, her voice growing more urgent. "Will I not get into university? Will I—"
Finally unable to take it, Zhang Jin’an let out a sharp shout. "Zhang Qingyue! Calm down!"
Zhang Qingyue froze instantly, falling silent.
Seeing her stunned expression, Zhang Jin’an panicked. He quickly explained, "I wasn't trying to be mean... you were just too tense. I was just trying to snap you out of it."
"I understand." Zhang Qingyue slowly released her grip. Although she could still hear her heart thumping wildly, her hands had stopped shaking.
She watched as Zhang Jin’an rubbed his arms and asked with concern, "Does it hurt?"
He shook his head. "It’s fine. Through the clothes, it doesn't really hurt."
"..." Without a word, Zhang Qingyue rolled up his sleeve. There were four deep fingernail marks imprinted on his skin.
She felt incredibly guilty, yet she couldn't help but retort, "And you want to be an actor with that kind of acting? You couldn't even hide the pain."
Zhang Jin’an laughed and pulled his sleeve back down. He looked at her and said, "You’re overthinking things, Qingyue. Calm down. No one is putting that pressure on you."
"But..." She wanted to say more, but her words were pressed down by his hand resting on her hair.
Her heartbeat seemed to slow, returning to its normal rhythm. The tightness in her throat eased.
She looked up, and that image remained etched clearly in her memory. Behind Zhang Jin’an were the green trees lining the street. The trees couldn't block out the beautiful weather; the sky was a brilliant azure. Only then did she realize that although the surrounding sounds were noisy, not a single bit of it was the roar of traffic. It was all the sounds of people giving instructions and showing care.
*"Good luck!"*
*"We’re going out to eat after the exam!"*
*"Do your best! See you at university!"*
*"Yeah, see you at university!"*
...
And then, there was Zhang Jin’an’s voice.
"Listen," he told her. "No matter what your results are, none of us will blame you. Don't put that pressure on yourself."
It was the first time Zhang Qingyue had seen that expression on his face. It was unlike any other time; even the sunlight seemed to radiate from him. "You have always been our pride."
Zhang Qingyue didn't remember how she finished the exam that day. She only remembered that when she stepped out of the testing center and saw her whole family standing at the gate, she had never felt so light and happy.
The dusk was just right. Every brick of the school felt soft, and every flower and blade of grass smelled sweet. She broke into a run toward them, faster than she had ever run before.
***
