During the banquet, she already wore Wen Qi’s appearance. Her bright, restless eyes seemed constrained within those slender lids, as if they were meant to burst forth to be truly natural.
Wen Qi’s personality was tepid and soft, even somewhat cowardly; she would never possess such a vivid, spirited expression. I was, of course, aware of Wen Qi’s childhood feelings for me, but how could I pointlessly ruin a pure girl’s life? Regardless of whether I was a man or a woman, a happy marriage was an impossibility for me. Moreover, ever since I left the capital to enter the sect, one crisis after another had crashed down upon me. In those seven years, I had not a single day of respite, having teetered on the edge of life and death several times. Merely staying alive was difficult enough; I never harbored such romantic thoughts.
Yet I remembered that one look of hers for many years, unable to forget it. No matter what form she took, I could always recognize her.
That meal was a farcical affair, yet it was a joy I hadn't experienced in a long time. I didn't actually care about losing face at the table, nor did I mind her slandering me. I only spoke to corner her so I could frighten her into submission. This A-Zhi—to say she was bold was an understatement, for she was truly fearless; yet to say she was a coward was also true. She truly lived up to the nature of the cat tribe.
Only after traveling with her did I realize how clingy a pampered girl could be. Seeing the street scenery, she wanted to peel back the curtains to look; smelling the fragrance of a sachet, she wanted to leap up and pounce. In short, she was in constant motion. Intentionally or not, she was always rubbing against me—affectionate, fervent, and sweet. It made me wonder: was it that girls from the mountains were simply unconstrained by etiquette, or did she truly not mind my ambiguous identity as neither man nor woman?
Because she had tried to pounce on the sachet left by my mother, and because an important witness could breathe his last at any moment, I was in no mood for her playfulness. I inadvertently snapped at her, and she actually became quite well-behaved, shrinking into a corner and remaining still. A rare flicker of regret rose in my heart, along with a... very, very faint sense of loss because she had moved a few inches further away from me.
She huddled inside the flying carriage, remaining obediently still unless I spoke. That submissive posture softened my heart further. I couldn't help but reach out, wanting to carry her down, though in the end, I settled for a light, polite lead by the hand. Yet she proved to be a lover of beauty, standing dazed at the door as she stared at the Daoist robes I had worn today to meet my master.
Though it was partly due to my intimidation, and despite her fierce verbal protests, she still obediently detached her soul to possess the witness and check his memories. This was partly due to her innate kindness, as she couldn't bear to see me use the harsh Soul-Searching technique on a weak woman, and partly because... she lacked experience in the world and harbored no wariness toward others.
I gazed at her face as she slept peacefully, feeling an impulse to touch and caress that smooth, soft skin. I could not remember how many years it had been since I felt such unreserved trust and reliance—even though I knew full well she trusted everyone this way. Among the thousands upon thousands of mundane men and women I had seen in recent years, I couldn't say who was the last to make me sigh at such pure whiteness, or who made me want to protect and cherish them so dearly.
In the end, I used a crudely practiced, hastily learned Dream-Induction technique to take her memories. I couldn't say if it was to investigate the person behind her and confirm Wen Qi’s safety, or if it was for my own selfish desires. I wanted to see her original appearance again, her pair of clever, agile eyes, and her seemingly eternal, carefree smile. I wanted to know her past; I wanted to see what the place where she was born and raised looked like...
She was playful and mischievous, taking every opportunity to play pranks. If my attention strayed from her for even a moment, she would throw a tantrum or act spoiled, forcing me to focus my entire being on her. She loved to laugh and talk, always tugging at my sleeve to ask about this and that with curiosity, thinking herself clever enough to trick information out of me. Yet she was also easy to care for, neither finicky nor willful. A little tenderness and a meal suited to her tastes could win her genuine affection, prompting her to praise me for being "just as good as her Eldest Senior Brother."
That Senior Brother of hers had fought me to the death six months ago, nearly causing me to lose my life to a backlash, yet he had raised her since childhood with responsibility and tenderness. I couldn't explain the irritation and heavy anger in my heart. Perhaps I was dissatisfied that she was too foolish—that a cold, ill-intentioned person like me could be "almost as good as Eldest Senior Brother" just by offering a few small favors. If someone else intended to deceive her, wouldn't she be easily devoured? Or perhaps I was somewhat jealous of that man... for being able to see her every day and occupy her constant thoughts and attachment.
Having obtained the witness's memories and Prince Xuan’s treasures, I had intended to head straight to the official mausoleum in the capital's suburbs that night to investigate. However, something came up at the last minute. The young son of a high-ranking official in the Bureau of Military Affairs had been kidnapped, and they had used Feng Xiansheng’s personal connections to ask me to rescue him personally. This wasn't rare; when people in court do favors, they expect a return. I took my men and wiped out the kidnappers' den, violently breaking through their formation. I took a blade strike to my right arm from the leader but managed to take his head. The little boy, his face sprayed with the blood of both of us, had already fainted from terror. As I wiped his face, I couldn't help but recall the feeling of my fingertip touching the space between A-Zhi’s brows to take her memories that afternoon. Fragrant and white as a gardenia, yet also as innocent as a young child—was that the origin of her nickname?
After a night of recovery, the wound that had nearly severed half my arm had more or less closed, but the next day I suffered a persistent high fever. Fortunately, my mind remained clear, so I could only order the documents to be brought to my home for processing. Yet, holding the scrolls, I couldn't focus on the words. I kept thinking that I had promised to teach her how to refine the golden bell today, and it would be bad to break the appointment. I was also a bit curious if she would care about my absence.
In truth, there were many items in that bag of treasures suitable for her, but I had been struck by a mischievous whim to put a bell on the kitten. This silly demon was entirely oblivious; being greedy for wealth, she happily accepted it simply because it was gold. Seeing her actually use the silk thread I gave her to string the bell around her wrist, and then seeing her stand there with her hands on her hips, crossly asking why I didn't come yesterday, gave me a rare sense of genuine delight.
She, however, pushed her luck. We had barely sat side-by-side for a moment before she started rummaging through my clothes, pressing her face near my neck to sniff around.
I had been raised with strict etiquette and discipline since childhood; such transgressions were not permitted even between mother and daughter or sisters, let alone after living as a man for these seven or eight years. For a moment, I felt extremely uncomfortable. Fearing she might touch my wound and get venom on herself, I snapped at her. She, however, was like a startled cat, pacing in circles with anxiety. Her eyes reddened over my minor injury, and her voice trembled as she earnestly held out medicine for me to take.
The people in the Temple all lived by the blade; no matter how badly someone was hurt, no one would give them a second look or ask a single question. Even I had become numb to it; being injured was merely a nuisance that made movement difficult and delayed cases. Personal pain had long since ceased to be a consideration. Looking at her panicked state, I couldn't help but want to laugh. Yes, her reaction was the normal one for a well-bred lady in a peaceful world.
The injury was on my right hand, making it inconvenient to use a blade. Fortunately, there were no major incidents in the capital recently, allowing me a rare period of leisure. Every day I sat in the courtyard, specifically waiting for a small, upside-down face to hang from the eaves, grinning as she said hello or making a face, thinking she could startle me. Being a girl in a secluded estate, she naturally couldn't appear every day; we met roughly once every three or four days. She hopped and leaped about the West Courtyard, picking flowers and trampling grass, peering into antique vases to see what was hidden inside, and fiddling with the decorations on the desks and walls. She was never still for a moment. I, unable to set aside my dignity to play with her, could only pretend to study texts and practice incantations with a solemn air.
That night in the tomb, given her weak, pampered constitution and lack of training, and it being her first time facing such danger, she had been very clever, calm, resourceful, and brave to hold out until I arrived. Yet the moment she saw me, she dove into my arms and wailed, reverting entirely to the demeanor of a young girl. She said, "I thought I was going to die all all alone..." That phrase "all alone" made my heart incredibly soft. I thought, how could I bear to let her be lonely? Never mind death—even in life, it would be best to always be together with her.
Her true face was still stained with the half-dried blood of the vile wretches that had splashed onto me. I wasn't usually so fastidious, but seeing it on her made me feel it was exceptionally filthy. I hurriedly wiped it clean, and only then did that exquisitely beautiful face bloom like a flower, truly living up to the name of Gardenia. Those eyes—spirited as fireflies, fluttering like butterfly wings, with a thousand joys, angers, and sorrows clearly discernible—were perfectly suited to such a pair of cat-like eyes. Standing three or four inches shorter than Wen Qi, her forehead could just barely reach below my shoulder. Her tender hands were born to be held, and her slender waist was born to be embraced and protected.
She actually hugged me, leaving me momentarily at a loss. Due to years of vigilance and wariness, I never allowed anyone near my person; I had developed a subconscious habit of pushing people away. She, however, was persistent and took no offense, instead sinking her body a few inches deeper into the embrace and shifting her steps slightly, forcing me to accept it.
What should I think? I only hoped that I would never have to let her go for the rest of my life.
In my life, the thing I cared for least was the gossip of others; I had always been impatient with arguments and self-defense. Yet, I rarely felt the urge to explain to her that there wasn't a shred of affection in the entanglement with Wen Shu that evening. In fact, knowing she was eavesdropping at the time, I had been somewhat annoyed that Wen Shu chose that moment to confess her love. A-Zhi, however, didn't care at all; she only found the situation hilarious because of my true identity. Now, it was my turn to be truly annoyed.
Therefore, on the night of the banquet, when she fiercely rebuked me for "seeking flowers and willows," I was actually happy. She cared a little, and that was very good.
Her eyes were originally honey-colored, shimmering like molten amber when they trembled. Members of the cat tribe often had the talent to hide their pupil color among humans, so what was usually seen was a misty, light-toned deep brown. Leaning against me while sitting wasn't enough; she had to rest her head on my lap. Pretending to ignore her would only make her restless, so I could only respond willingly. I saw her succeed as she opened her lashes and grinned. She couldn't even laugh for a moment before opening her cat-eyes a bit wider to snatch that greasy lotus leaf wrap.
This snack had just been bought today in Lengquan Town. To scout the official mausoleum, I had investigated the terrain as usual and stopped by Uncle Tong’s place for a chat. When I came out, I saw the afternoon sky was bright and warm, with people strolling and laughing everywhere. A group of young girls surrounded a vendor’s steaming stall, chirping as they waited for the food to come out of the pot. Seeing them constantly shifting the lotus leaf wraps between their hands, eager to taste it even if it scalded their mouths, they must have been extremely hungry for this delicacy. I unexpectedly thought of her again and bought the food. Holding it in my hand, I felt it was ridiculous—could I really make a special trip to see her just to deliver this?
Unexpectedly, she was already the surprise of my life, and Heaven didn't mind granting me one more surprise.
***
| Chinese | English | Notes/Explanation |
| :--- | :--- | :--- |
| 枢密院 | Bureau of Military Affairs | A high-level government organ (Shumiyuan). |
| 冷泉镇 | Lengquan Town | Cold Spring Town. |
| 佟叔 | Uncle Tong | A character mentioned as an acquaintance. |
| 寻花问柳 | Seeking flowers and willows | An idiom for visiting brothels or philandering. |
