Fatal to Pretend With a Cheat | Chapter 60 | Passing the Review | Novela.app

Lately, Ye Lan had been getting more and more restless in his sleep, and the frequency of this restlessness was only increasing. Ye Xiao had a bit of a temper when being woken up. Every time Ye Lan pressed against him and rubbed up against him until he woke, his mood was far from pleasant. Ye Xiao slapped Ye Lan away. "What are you making a fuss for? Go to sleep." Back when they were in the Night Walk, the two of them had often lived and slept together, yet it had rarely been like this. Ever since they started following a good master and enjoying a comfortable life, Ye Lan had begun to stir up trouble frequently. Ye Xiao attributed this to the saying: *When one is warm and well-fed, one's thoughts turn to passing the review.* "I’m about to fail the review, Gui Mao," Ye Lan said, his head drooping listlessly as he rubbed against him. "Am I poisoned?" "..." Ye Xiao, pretending to be ignorant, took a deep breath and suggested, "Go soak in the lake for a while, or run ten laps around Yang Lake before coming back." "Oh." Ye Lan got up, threw on his clothes, and obediently followed the order out the door. Half an hour later, Ye Lan returned, dripping wet. "I soaked for a bit, and I finished the ten laps." Ye Xiao felt a twinge of shame. "...You actually went? Uh, do you still feel uncomfortable?" Ye Lan nodded sincerely. "I'm fine now. Thank you." "...No, no need for thanks. You're welcome." Feeling guilty, Ye Xiao reluctantly climbed out of bed. "Hey, sit down. I'll dry you off. It’s already the Start of Winter, after all." Pressing the man into a chair, Ye Xiao grabbed a piece of linen and rubbed it vigorously over his head. He had always been the one to cut Ye Lan’s short hair. The first few times had been a disaster of uneven patches, but by now, he had become quite skilled and decent at it. Ye Lan sat quietly, letting himself be roughly dried. Through the gaps in his messy hair and the linen cloth, he caught sight of Ye Xiao’s bare waist and abdomen. He couldn't help but reach out and wrap his arms around him. Ye Xiao was standing right in front of him, and as he was pulled into the embrace, he felt something indescribable below the neck. His heart skipped a beat. Before Ye Xiao could think of a few words to brush him off, Ye Lan had already pushed him away and stood up. He said, "I’m failing the review again. I’m going back to soak in the lake. You sleep first; don't wait for me." Without waiting for an answer, Ye Lan pushed the door open and left, leaving Ye Xiao frozen in place. A gust of chilly mid-winter wind snuck through the crack in the door, making him shiver. Over the course of a month, Ye Lan grew increasingly haggard. Every night, he would toss and turn, going in and out several times. He didn't get a single night of good sleep. At dinner that day, Ye Lan barely touched the food in front of him. He looked wilted, resting his forehead against the corner of the table, slumped over listlessly. "Ye Lan hasn't seemed very energetic lately. Is he sick?" Jun Xuanheng walked over to Ye Lan’s side and worriedly patted his back. "Where does it hurt?" Alarm bells rang in Ye Xiao’s head. He was terrified that Ye Lan would say something treasonous regarding "review topics" to their boss. Fortunately, Ye Lan only said, "My mouth hurts a little." "Eh? Open up, let me see." Jun Xuanheng tilted Ye Lan’s chin up to look. "You’ve got blisters. How did you get so much internal heat?" Ye Lan, unaware of the true cause, shook his head. "Tell Qi Qi to make the meals lighter lately. No meat other than fish." Seeing how pitiful he looked, Jun Xuanheng reached out to ruffle Ye Lan’s hair, only to come away with a handful of loose strands. "...Is Ye Lan shedding for the season?" Ye Xiao felt that if this continued, it really wouldn't do. After thinking it over, he steeled his heart and chose a moment he deemed appropriate to bring up the "review" to their master. Both he and Ye Lan were Jun Xuanheng’s shadow guards; whatever they did should have the master’s approval. Private affairs were not allowed between shadow guards, and he knew there was no precedent for this among their peers. Fortunately, his master was the gentlest person in the world, so it was almost a sure thing, yet his heart still couldn't help but flutter with anxiety. Ye Xiao tremblingly asked the master if he could be granted Ye Lan. The master said "Oh" with his mouth, but his eyes clearly read: *None of my business, meow meow meow.* Ye Xiao pondered: *...Though something feels off, this seems like a happy ending where everyone is satisfied??* Carrying this monumental good news, Ye Xiao went back to find Ye Lan. Ye Lan had just been scolded by him and was timidly shrinking into the shadows of the bed curtains, reflecting on what he had done wrong. Ye Xiao sat down beside him. Thinking of the journey they had shared, his thoughts took flight, filled with emotion. A thousand words were stuck in his throat, and he didn't know what to say. "...It’s over... Ye Lan," Ye Xiao said softly after a long silence. Ye Lan looked at him blankly. "Do you remember that river? You probably don't. It’s been ten years now. On that road from the Night Walk to the desert, we passed that river. I thought I wouldn't make it to the meeting point that day to get the antidote. I thought I was going to die, so I stopped by that river. Across the water was an ordinary little village. I don't know what festival it was, but they seemed to be holding a lantern fair. There were river lanterns and fireworks. It was so beautiful..." Ye Xiao leaned against his shoulder, rarely taking the initiative to hold his hand. He closed his eyes and whispered, "That day, I lay on this side of the river and thought, I envy them so much. I wished I could go to the other side and see, to live the life of an ordinary person for just one day. I thought I would never be able to cross the distance of that river in my entire life..." Ye Lan watched him quietly, not interrupting, unsure if he understood. "Ten years. We’ve finally crossed over." Ye Xiao pressed Ye Lan down onto the bed, opening his "page" and reverently kissing those dark, focused eyes. "All the suffering... finally... is over." Ye Lan felt his mind go hazy, as if he had drunk mellow wine. Thinking that things were taking a turn for the worse and he was about to "review" again, he stammered as he tried to push him away and get up. "I-I-I’m going to get stuck in the review. I need to go soak in cold water..." "Don't move. Listen to me." Ye Xiao pressed his hands on Ye Lan’s shoulders to hold him back. "Ye Lan, I’m asking you seriously this once. I don't care if you understand what I mean or not, but once you speak, I’m taking it as the truth. Ye Lan, are you... sure you really want to review me? Is it... the kind of review I think it is?" "Review," Ye Lan nodded frantically. "I said it. I said it a long time ago." Ye Xiao was surprised. "...You, you still remember." "I always remember. I’m serious every time... Gui Mao..." Ye Lan’s voice trailed off into a mumble. Suddenly, he pushed him away and flipped over to get up. "Ah, no, I really have to go run laps." Ye Xiao grabbed his collar and hauled him back onto the bed. "No more running laps, and no more soaking in ice water. Never again." Ye Lan: "Huh? But I’m about to get stuck in the review." Ye Lan naturally took Ye Xiao’s hand and pressed it against the "locked chapter" button. Ye Xiao felt a wave of heat rush to his face. "Before, we belonged to the Master. We couldn't decide these things on our own. But from now on... we can." Ye Xiao took a deep breath. "...I-I’ll teach you." Despite his words, Ye Xiao remained stiff, maintaining the position of lightly pressing down on the other man, not daring to make a sudden move. "You have a fever." Ye Lan leaned in and rubbed his face against his. "So hot." "It’s not a fever," Ye Xiao said gloomily. "...Sigh, you dummy, you’re certainly generous. Dammit... I’m the only one feeling shy. It’s so annoying..." Ye Xiao naturally had no experience with "reviewing," but he at least had a normal range of common sense. He moved Ye Lan, who was hanging off the edge of the bed, to the center of the "page." Kneeling half-way beside him, he undid the "title bar" of the hidden weapons strapped to Ye Lan’s waist and legs, stripping away the other's "profile" and "blurb" one by one. Ye Xiao pulled down Ye Lan’s "profile," took one look, and immediately averted his eyes. He calmed himself down, thought for a moment, and then pulled the "profile" back up to cover him. He thought to himself: *Facing the review directly is still too stimulating. Slow and steady, slow and steady.* Ye Lan looked at his own "profile" in surprise. "Wow, it’s changed so much! My author follows—" Ye Xiao quickly pinched his mouth shut. "I know what you want to say. Just shut up, okay, my lord and ancestor?" Pinched tightly, Ye Lan couldn't make a sound and could only hum and nod. "If the 'writer's block' makes it impossible to update, tell me, do you hear me?" Ye Xiao pressed down on Ye Lan, gently scrolling through his "profile page." The mouse wheel rolled over the sharp "title bar" and the supple "draft box." "Tell me if you want to 'update daily' too." Ye Lan hummed in agreement, letting Ye Xiao lick a circle around his chest. He said restlessly, "The chapter is about to be locked... Can you... let me go out and run laps..." "That’s more like it." Ye Xiao thought triumphantly: *My review skills might actually be amazing.* Ye Xiao figured it was about time to move to the next step. Through the "blurb," he bookmarked Ye Lan’s "profile interface," leaving a gentle comment and reposting it. Ye Lan looked at the "profile" with blurred eyes, whispering a "preview." His voice was extremely low, which only increased the risk of a "locked chapter." Ye Xiao placed his middle and index fingers against the side of Ye Lan’s lips, coaxing him, "Bookmark, repost... mm..." Ye Lan didn't quite understand, but he followed the instructions. The mouse cursor rubbed from the top of the "main text" to the bottom, saving the entire page as an HTML file. "Like this? Am I doing it right?" Ye Lan asked unclearly while reposting. The "nutrient solution" next to the "story points" continued to go +1, +1, +1 with Ye Lan’s clicks. The "profile page" was soft and warm, and Ye Lan’s expression was docile and reverent. Ye Xiao couldn't help but lose a bit of control. He wished he could skip "signing the contract" and go straight to "publishing." He had to repeatedly warn himself: *Stay calm, stay calm. After all, this is the incredibly important first time on the 'recommendation list.' I absolutely cannot leave Ye Lan with a bad impression.* Ye Xiao removed the "bookmark," liked the "story details," and downed a bottle of "nutrient solution" newly gifted by a reader. He soothed him, "Mm, good boy, very good." Ye Xiao parted his "story details," reaching into the bottom of the "main text" to press on the "Author’s Note" section, thanking the little angel [En-na] for the nutrient solution, and gently pressing the "story details." Ye Xiao had always been impulsive; having reached this point, he could no longer restrain his nature. He thought, *To hell with it, it’s about time, let’s just submit it for review.* If it succeeded, great; if not... he’d deal with it then. He brushed aside the annoying "pop-up ads" and, panting, opened Ye Lan’s "author backend." "Submitting for review?" Ye Lan asked blankly. Ye Xiao nodded. "Mm, if you think the 'data' isn't good enough—" "Okay, I understand. I’ll try." Ye Lan cut off the second half of his sentence. Try? Try what? Just as this thought crossed Ye Xiao’s mind, Ye Lan grabbed his "mouse." Their "profile" positions were suddenly swapped. Before he could react, Ye Xiao’s vision went dark—his own "story" had been submitted for review. Ye Xiao: "HOLY SH—AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!" Ye Lan had abruptly and forcefully submitted him for review using sheer brute strength. Ye Xiao was completely caught off guard. Furthermore, it was a "blank new story" that hadn't been updated yet. The "data" was heart-wrenchingly messy. A hundred thousand curses swirled in his chest, but he had "flopped" so hard he was chilled to the bone; there wasn't even a single reader comment. Ye Lan had always had a high tolerance for "data"—perhaps it was related to his missing brain cell—and at this moment, he didn't feel anything was amiss at all. That shrill, miserable scream pierced the sky. The Master in the garden heard it and came rushing to the door. Ye Xiao was twitching from the "pain of his stats," yet he still had to exert himself to desperately stop Jun Xuanheng from entering. He barely managed to shout a few words to send the Master away. He was exhausted in body and mind, with pain added upon pain, like adding fuel to a fire. "What’s wrong?" Ye Lan asked in a soft, sweet voice. Ye Xiao was so angry his consciousness was blurring. He hissed out through gritted teeth, "What... the hell... are you... doing..." "Didn't you say you were teaching me?" Ye Lan asked blankly. "You just said 'submit for review,' so I submitted it." Ye Xiao: "...Your... mother..." Ye Lan kept his eyes open, smiling as he looked at him. "Mm-hmm?" Ye Xiao was choked with rage. Fine, he wouldn't curse. The guy wouldn't understand anyway. Better to save his strength and save up for a beating later. Ye Xiao stopped talking. Ye Lan waited quietly for a while, then asked in confusion, "Gui Mao? Gui Mao?" He unconsciously "refreshed the page." Ye Xiao’s "computer" was already very laggy; this refresh caused it to crash directly. Ye Xiao let out a pained groan. Seeing a reaction, Ye Lan exerted more force and "refreshed the page" vigorously. Ye Xiao believed he was screaming miserably—a scene of bleak wind and bitter rain, a tragedy beyond compare. But that weak trailing sound, falling into Ye Lan’s ears, made it seem as though the "review" was about to pass any moment now. *** **Glossary** Chinese | English | Notes/Explanation --- | --- | --- 过审 (Guò shěn) | Pass the review / Pass censorship | Euphemism for successful intimacy/intercourse. 审核 (Shěn hé) | Review / Censorship | Euphemism for sexual desire or the act itself. 卡审核 (Kǎ shěn hé) | Stuck in review | Euphemism for being "turned on" but unable to find release. 专栏 (Zhuā nlán) | Profile / Column | Euphemism for the body or specific private areas. 文案 (Wén àn) | Blurb / Summary | Euphemism for clothing or the surface appearance. 营养液 (Yíng yǎng yè) | Nutrient solution | A specific reward currency on the Jinjiang literature platform; used here as a euphemism for bodily fluids. 送审 (Sòng shěn) | Submit for review | Euphemism for the act of penetration. 锁章 (Suǒ zhāng) | Locked chapter | Euphemism for reaching a climax or a censored act. 数据 (Shù jù) | Data / Stats | Euphemism for physical sensations or the "quality" of the experience. 刷新页面 (Shuā xīn yè miàn) | Refresh the page | Euphemism for physical movement/thrusting during the act. 作者有话 (Zuò zhě yǒu huà) | Author's Note | Part of a web novel page; used here as part of the meta-metaphor. 签约 (Qiān yuē) | Signing a contract | Euphemism for commitment/the beginning of the act. 出版 (Chū bǎn) | Publishing | Euphemism for the final result/climax. 立冬 (Lì dōng) | Start of Winter | One of the 24 solar terms in the traditional Chinese calendar.