Fan Li had imagined her wedding with Xing Hai countless times: being cheered on by classmates, a secret and sweet elopement, or perhaps arriving at the registry in a domineering private starship after they had both built successful careers... but she never imagined it would happen in the heat of an argument.
She suffered from insomnia that night. When the alarm went off at six the next morning, her head throbbed as if it were about to explode. She silenced the alarm and lay there for another five minutes before clutching her head and sluggishly sitting up.
She really didn't want to get married like this. She truly didn't. But she wanted to lose Xing Hai even less.
She brushed her teeth and combed her hair while sitting on the bed, then slowly gathered her bag and communicator. She swam to the door and pulled it open as if heaving a thousand-pound boulder.
Xing Hai was right outside.
"You're up so early?" Her sleepiness faded significantly.
"Actually, I think you were right about one thing. The problem between us has nothing to do with a third person. It’s not that you’re a better fit for someone else; it’s that we aren’t a fit for each other," Xing Hai said with a bitter smile. "Ever since we came to Saint Yegana, we’ve become less and less compatible."
"What do you mean..."
Xing Hai lowered his head, his silver-gray bangs brushing against his long eyelashes. His chest rose and fell with his heavy breaths. Then, he whispered, "Li Li, you are excellent. You deserve a better life, a better partner. I really wanted to be someone worthy of you, but my abilities are truly limited."
"What do you mean?!"
Xing Hai took a deep breath, exhausting all his strength to utter the next words: "Let's break up. You're free."
"I don't accept that," Fan Li countered immediately. "I don't accept a breakup!"
"No matter who you end up with in the future, I wish you happiness." With that, Xing Hai turned to swim away.
"Don't go!" Fan Li rushed forward and hugged him from behind. "Being with you was never about how much money you made or what achievements you reached. I like *you*—your kindness, your sense of justice, your handsome face. Those extra things really, really aren't that important."
"Everyone says that love is the most important thing and that social value doesn't matter. For a long time now, I’ve been comforting myself with that same thought. But we both know that by forcing ourselves to stay together, we are both miserable."
"I'm happy when I'm with you!"
"But I'm not happy," Xing Hai said wearily. "Let go. Let’s have a peaceful breakup. Once some time has passed, maybe we can still be friends."
"No, no, no, listen to me. I know you’ve been bothered by how much energy I’ve put into work lately, but that’s only temporary. I only took the job at 'Sea Race Vessels' because they have an elite employee benefit. If I achieve enough, I can bring you in, and then you can fulfill your dreams... I have no interest in the job itself, you know that."
She had thought that by revealing the truth, Xing Hai would realize he had misunderstood her and turn around to embrace her. But the reality proved she was too arrogant.
He didn't react at all.
"Li Li, I’m truly moved that you’re willing to sacrifice so much for me. Really." He smiled bitterly. "But hearing your reason for doing this job only makes me more certain that breaking up is the right choice. I want a girlfriend I can protect. In front of you, I feel useless—not like a man. Do you really have to make me spell it out like this?"
"You're lying! You said you'd love me no matter what I became!" Fan Li finally lost her composure. She broke down, her voice rising before she dissolved into tears. "You said if I were an Oceanid, you’d love an Oceanid; if I were a Predator, you’d love a Predator! You said you’d only love me in this lifetime and never choose anyone else. So now, just because I’m focusing a bit more on my career, I’m forced to break up? Xing Hai, do your words mean nothing now? Were they all just sweet lies?!"
"I'm a scumbag; I only know how to tell sweet lies. That’s why I’m even less worthy of you." He pushed her away gently. "Let go."
"I'll go quit that job right now. I won't do any more part-time work, okay?"
"Let go."
"Whatever job I do in the future, I'll get your permission first, okay?"
"Let go."
"If you think I'm too assertive, tell me, and I'll change, okay? When two people are together, feelings can be worked on. Don't say 'break up' so easily..."
"Let go."
She couldn't find any more excuses. She just held him tightly, but he pried her fingers away one by one until her entire hand was pushed back.
Finally, he swam away without looking back.
Fan Li and Xing Hai were usually inseparable. After the breakup, Xing Hai quickly found a circle of fellow Predators, and their classmates were quick to notice. Her Oceanid friends tried to mediate to no avail and eventually had to respect their choice.
Rumors began to spread through the crowd, but Fan Li didn't care much anymore.
The slap to her supervisor's face came quickly. When Fan Li entered the company over the weekend, Dirui stood before everyone and apologized most respectfully. He claimed he had made an error when submitting the F8245 Arcane Chip files and had forgotten to include Fan Li's name, stating that all the credit actually belonged to her. Although the colleagues didn't know the full story, they weren't surprised; they had seen Fan Li's research results with their own eyes, and Dirui had indeed done nothing.
Seeing Dirui bowing and scraping like a servant to cater to her, Fan Li didn't feel the satisfaction she had imagined. Nor was she curious about what strings Su Shiye had pulled. To her, this job had lost its meaning. She planned to wrap up her current tasks, wait for the cooling-off period with Xing Hai to pass, see if she could get him hired, and then submit her resignation.
Recently, in the Basic Combat Theory class, the students had just finished learning the most fundamental combat spells, "Crystallization" and "Heavy Cleave." The professor began arranging for the students to engage in practical combat exercises.
Miserably, Fan Li’s instructor for this practical course was Professor Wennan. In this small class of sixty, there were also Auda Alan, Sephi Quinti, and Sephi Shami.
Back in the first class during the arcane potential rating, she had seen Quinti’s immense potential nearly fill the entire test chart, ultimately earning her three S-ranks. She heard that in this department, only Quinti and Yu Jin had three S-ranks. There were thirteen others with double S-ranks, all of whom were Poseidons.
Li Na and Kai Mo received A-ranks. Xing Hai received a B. Shuang Si, You Can, Liu Xiang, and the other Oceanids didn't even get a C.
Fan Li’s test result was an S, crushing many Predators and causing quite a stir.
However, facing a descendant of the Sea Gods, she was fragile. Professor Wennan happened to pair her with Alan. She was immediately knocked back several meters by one of Alan’s Heavy Cleaves.
After giving her that initial show of strength, Alan rushed over to help her up, saying with misplaced gallantry, "Student Fan Li, I know you're just not in top form because of some... private matters." He glanced at Xing Hai among the sharks and sighed. "Come, let's go again. I'll go a bit easy on you."
Fan Li dodged his hand, climbed up, and shook out her clothes. "Fine. Again."
Alan indeed held back, and they exchanged several rounds. But Professor Wennan suddenly called Alan away and replaced him with Quinti as Fan Li’s opponent.
Quinti had long been fuming at the scene. With a single Heavy Cleave, she knocked Fan Li straight to the ground. Half of Fan Li's body was injured, and she ended up with a mouthful of silt from the abyssal plain. Xing Hai caught the scent of Fan Li's blood and looked toward her in a panic. He clenched his fists, wanting to go to her, but when he saw Hege approach her, he remained still.
"My Lady, there's no need to be so aggressive toward an Oceanid," Hege said, his anger masked by a smile.
"Miser Hege, this is a combat class, not an embroidery class. If you don't want to take it seriously, you don't have to attend."
"Fan Li has never treated herself like an Oceanid anyway," Liu Xiang said nearby in a shrill voice. "She’s thought of herself as a Poseidon for a long time now. All her friends are Poseidons."
Fan Li frowned and looked at Liu Xiang. "If you have a problem with me, why don't you fight me?"
"Why would I fight a fake Poseidon like you? Ridiculous."
"Then don't mention my name, okay? We aren't even friends."
In private, Liu Xiang had said many things like "Fan Li and I used to be best friends, but her character is too poor and she betrayed me." Now, being called out in public, she was furious. But since she couldn't beat Fan Li in a fight, she could only continue her bitter remarks: "That's right, we haven't been friends for a long time. To flatter the Poseidons, you threw away your Oceanid friends, and now you've even lost your boyfriend. How would we dare call ourselves your friends?"
"Cut the crap. If you're unhappy, fight me."
"I'm unhappy with you too," Quinti said, stepping in front of Liu Xiang with a confident smile. "Why don't you try fighting me?"
"Fine."
Fan Li got up and sparred with Quinti four more times. Each time, she was beaten soundly to the ground. Though she was covered in bruises and bleeding, she never showed fear. Instead, she carefully studied Quinti’s attack patterns. She realized Quinti only knew how to use one move, attacking from a single direction—it was incredibly simple. But because her innate talent was so strong, even a direct, predictable attack would win. Fan Li had no way to counter her.
Throughout the process, Liu Xiang watched with delight, looking as if she wanted to clap in celebration.
As Fan Li and Quinti were about to start a sixth round, Professor Wennan swam over and waved them off. "Alright, that's enough. The disparity in strength is too great; continuing is pointless."
Fan Li was reluctant, but her body was covered in black and blue marks and throbbed with pain. The blood she shed was making the surrounding shark students agitated, so she had to give up.
"In the news, we often see very inspirational stories," Professor Wennan said, her half-dead eyes staring into the distance as if speaking to the seawater itself. "For example, a disabled child with a severed tail who plays tail-ball brilliantly, an elderly lady who learns difficult dances in her twilight years, a student with a speech impediment who becomes a translator, or a student with limited arcane potential who gets into the Arcane Academy of Saint Yegana University... We cheer for such people because they have achieved things far beyond their natural capacity. However, there are many things that nature cannot be replaced. A child with a severed tail cannot compete with a professional regional player; an old woman's beauty and explosive dancing power cannot match a dancer who has trained since childhood; a student with a speech impediment will never become a top-tier translator; and a student with limited potential will never defeat a Poseidon in combat... If, because they possess a certain amount of strength, these people forget their original place and forget who people were originally comparing them to, then they aren't just mediocre—they appear quite foolish. Whether they are mediocre or foolish, such people should not be at Saint Yegana University. I'm sure you all agree." After speaking, her gaze swept indifferently over the crowd. When it passed Fan Li, she looked her up and down before moving on.
As if deliberately defying Quinti, Alan swam out with Fan Li after class. Knowing Quinti had sent Shami to watch him only made his rebellious streak worse. He tried to strike up a conversation with Fan Li, but all he received were disappointing responses.
Finally, his gaze—along with that of many passersby—was captured by a black, ultra-long private ship hovering at the school gates. The ship's style was dignified but not flashy, though Aize and the two Red Guards of the Holy Capital standing beside it were very flashy indeed. Seeing Fan Li emerge, Aize made a "shoo" gesture to his younger brother and then respectfully invited Fan Li over.
Alan had been pampered since childhood, but he was frequently bullied by his older brother. Being chased away made him a bit grumpy. Consequently, he didn't have a kind face for Shami either. Without looking back, he rubbed his nose and said, "Speak. What does Quinti want now?"
"Alan, you... it's one thing to provoke Qing... but don't go after female students at school too... You and my sister are engaged, after all..."
Alan’s expression changed drastically. He frowned. "You know about me and Qing?"
"I know..."
"You cannot tell Quinti this secret. If you do, it's over. Quinti will kill Qing, and my engagement with Quinti will be finished."
Shami shook her head. "I didn't tell my sister..."
"Good." Alan let out a long breath. "Thank you, Shami. You're a girl who sees the big picture. I'm sorry for losing my temper with you lately."
"It's okay. Just exercise a little restraint," Shami said, her expression dimming slightly. "After all, you are my future brother-in-law, aren't you..."
"Fine. For the sake of your kindness, I'll restrain myself."
Alan flashed a brilliant smile. It reminded Shami of the first ray of sunlight she saw when going out to sea every summer. She looked up at him cautiously and humbly, thinking back to the first time she saw him years ago: at the Divine Palace of the Resurrection Sect, her parents had told her to go welcome the young master of the Auda family. She had hurried out, clutching her newly bought velvet dress, and saw the youth standing in the hall in his terrestrial form. His defiant, snow-white eyebrows were slightly furrowed, his features sharp and distinct, and he cast an impatient look her way.
In that instant, her entire youth was illuminated by him, shining so brightly it felt as if she hadn't truly lived for the past hundred years.
Unsurprisingly, he became her sister's fiancé.
From childhood, whatever Quinti wanted, Shami had to give up immediately. Wherever Quinti was, Shami was merely her shadow. Quinti, like Alan, was radiant and always the center of the crowd... They were a perfect match. Shami had no objection to this outcome. Once Alan officially became her brother-in-law, she could still see him often, which was a kind of happiness in itself...
Fan Li knew the person who had come to pick her up was Su Shiye. Lately, she didn't want to see anyone, but compared to the persistent Alan, Su Shiye was much better. So, she boarded the ship and bowed to him. "Lord Su Shiye, good afternoon."
"How did you get so many injuries?" Su Shiye looked back at the arcanist beside him. "Treat her."
During the healing process, the burning sensation of the wounds closing rapidly made Fan Li grimace. Su Shiye told the arcanist to be gentler, then said softly, "Li Li, I heard about your breakup with Xing Hai. It’s quite a pity. I hope you aren't too sad."
He had expected Fan Li to cry in front of him, but to his surprise, she didn't show a hint of sorrow. Instead, she retorted directly, "What pity? You don't think it's a pity at all."
Su Shiye laughed silently. After a long moment, he nodded with a smile. "That's my smartest Li Li."
The phrase "my [adjective] Li Li" sounded familiar; Xing Hai said it often. Fan Li felt a bit strange but only dwelled on it for a moment before asking, "Did you need something from me?"
"Tonight, I’m attending a ten-thousandth birthday banquet for a friend. I’d like to invite you to be my date. Would I have that honor?"
"Of course you would, but I don't have time, so I won't go."
"Why don't you have time?"
"I need to make time to practice offensive arcane arts. You saw how my classmates beat me up today."
"So diligent?" Su Shiye feigned surprise. "If you wanted to learn arcane arts, why didn't you say so sooner? I'll teach you tomorrow. Come out with me tonight to relax. If you stay cooped up at home, your mood will only sink lower."
Fan Li had always known Su Shiye’s allure. She thought that after breaking up with Xing Hai, she would like Su Shiye even more, but lately, she just felt world-weary and didn't want to see anyone. In the end, she declined his invitation. Su Shiye didn't force her. Before leaving, he rolled down the ship's window and said, "Li Li, I want to spend more time with you, but it seems you want to handle your emotions alone. Just remember one thing: no matter what happens, I am always here, and I will always wait for you."
"I don't know..." Fan Li said weakly. "I really don't want to be in a relationship right now..."
"Why? Because of Xing Hai?"
"Yes."
"What men hate most is pity. Right now, all you're giving him is pity."
"Am I... just pitying him?"
"The person you truly like is me. It’s been that way from the start. I don't believe you can't feel the sparks between us; we just missed each other at the beginning because of my own reasons. But starting now is not too late." Su Shiye smiled slightly. "Whatever Xing Hai can give you, I can give you too. I’ll wait for you to fall in love with me again."
After returning to her dorm, Fan Li kept pondering Su Shiye’s words until her brain was nearly drained of energy, yet she reached no conclusion.
After that, Su Shiye indeed stopped bothering her. But every three or four days, a courier would deliver red algae to her—all imported, farm-raised varieties that looked extraordinary even from a distance.
Consequently, rumors about the reason for Fan Li and Xing Hai’s breakup spread through the school: a mysterious mogul was pursuing Fan Li, and Xing Hai had been dumped.
The two parties involved grew tired of the questions but remained silent.
After resting for a while, Fan Li tried to spend time with Su Shiye and went with him to meet some of his friends.
Of course, the Dictator had no ordinary friends; every one of them was a powerful figure like Marvin.
To put it simply, Su Shiye was wonderful, but his social circle had nothing to do with her. Perhaps it was the age gap, the difference in experience, or the vast disparity in their status. That glittering high society was not what Fan Li yearned for.
Furthermore, Su Shiye was truly a politician. He would show mercy to the poor and was polite to slaves, but if his friends were unkind to slaves, he would turn a blind eye. If a friend brought a mistress to an event behind his wife's back, Su Shiye could interact with the mistress as if nothing were wrong, and then casually ask the friend, "How is your wife's recovery going lately?" His friends’ words often betrayed a slight disdain for Oceanids, yet they were always perfectly respectful to Fan Li. Fan Li liked the feeling of peaceful companionship with a lover, but Su Shiye was ambitious and decisive. He often sat alone, thinking for a long, long time, his eyes cold, dark, or aggressive. But the moment she spoke to him, he would immediately transform back into a tender and sweet man, making her feel he could win a grand slam at a film festival...
To Fan Li, everything about Su Shiye was too "mature." Moreover, she couldn't help but compare this "mature" side of Su Shiye with Xing Hai, and she would always miss Xing Hai’s unreserved love for her.
Xing Hai couldn't give her this roller-coaster romance or countless life accolades. However, the exclusivity and stability Xing Hai could give her, Su Shiye could now provide as well. Even in terms of looks, where Xing Hai usually held an advantage over others, Su Shiye outclassed him.
Logically, Su Shiye should have been able to completely replace Xing Hai.
But for some reason, losing Xing Hai felt like losing her soul.
She concluded that she and Su Shiye were not a fit. She had even subtly mentioned her thoughts to him. Su Shiye gave her a reassuring smile. "Li Li, power is complex, but it is also delicious. We have plenty of time. I will slowly teach you to grow and build the most perfect starting point for your future."
Indeed, this maturity also made him intensely charming. Even though he had promised not to touch her until she agreed, she couldn't help but want physical closeness with him. Then she would wonder: if this wasn't love, then what was?
Two voices were constantly arguing in her mind, leaving Fan Li completely lost.
It wasn't until the day her cousin Dangdang’s older cousin came to Saint Yegana that a small incident finally brought her a moment of profound realization.
Dangdang’s cousin was there for a trip. At Dangdang’s request, Fan Li invited the cousin to stay in her dorm and hosted her well.
The cousin was already married. Naturally, like Dangdang and all the women of their tribe, the man she married had three main characteristics: he was divorced, had children, and owned a house. And the cousin, like the other women of her tribe, was always extremely focused on her beauty so she could be a dutiful "trophy stepmother."
Thus, losing weight was the most important thing in the cousin’s life. She performed various high-difficulty sea-race yoga poses in the room, sometimes twisting her tail over her head, creating an atmosphere in the small dorm that bordered on a horror movie. Whenever Fan Li snacked while reading, the cousin would cast a look of envy followed by grim determination. The first time Fan Li saw her craving something, she tried to offer her a snack, but the cousin flatly refused.
"You're young; it's not easy for you to get fat from eating," the cousin said, shaking her head vigorously. "I'm different. If I eat like that for just two meals, I’ll inflate immediately, getting as fat as a startled pufferfish. If I get fat and my husband cheats, it would be terrifying. He might leave me and marry a girl who’s never been married. And me? I’d only be able to marry men with no house and no kids. That’s our tribe’s nightmare, truly."
No matter how much time passed, Fan Li could never understand their way of thinking. She could only try to communicate: "If a man leaves his wife just because she got fat, that isn't true love. Is your husband that kind of person?"
The cousin was silent for a moment, then shook her head. "No. He’s a good man."
"Then that's that."
"But I’ve already developed the habit of controlling my calories."
"Well, that's a good habit."
"So, I stay away from foods that only trigger my appetite but will harm me." The cousin spoke with conviction, but the look she gave the snacks in Fan Li’s hand made it seem like she was trying hard to convince herself. Clearly, this woman was a foodie at heart. Being a foodie but staying thin as a rail was perhaps the most tragic thing in the world.
Hearing those words, Fan Li froze for a moment. "Harm you? It might make you gain weight, but I wouldn't go so far as to say it 'harms' you..."
"Making me fat *is* harming me. Because the life I want to pursue is to stay young and slim so my husband will love me forever. Once I get fat, I’ll feel very insecure. Therefore, anything that stands in the way of my ideal life is harming me, and I should keep my distance from it."
"But the process of eating is also happy, isn't it? When there’s delicious food, why be so harsh on yourself? Why not satisfy yourself occasionally?"
"Hahaha, you really are too young. Food will never satisfy you. Especially late-night snacks—it's hard to control your appetite at night. If you think you'll just have one small bite, you'll soon find you can't stop. You'll eat more and more, get fatter and fatter, and you won't even be able to enjoy it fully. It's better to not even look at late-night snacks. Tell yourself to stay away from instinct, keep your mind pure, and eat healthy meals of seaweed and fish every day..."
Fan Li’s mind drifted. Those words were like a bolt of lightning, jolting her awake from her chaotic, contradictory dream.
She finally understood why she felt so much pain every time she saw Su Shiye, yet as long as she avoided him and rested for a while, she wouldn't miss him and could continue living with passion. But once she left Xing Hai, no matter how much time passed, she lived like a walking corpse.
Because Su Shiye was her desire, and Xing Hai was her ideal.
An ideal is powerful; it can overcome all the great hardships of life. An ideal is distant; it sits high at the end of life's path, illuminating our journey like a sea of stars. Every child at the start of the road feels they are omnipotent and can easily reach the end. But the longer they walk, the more they realize the road is long and overgrown with thorns, leaving them exhausted and battered. Pain makes them retreat; tears make them hesitate. Then, they slowly discover they could actually walk much more easily—there are many shortcuts and diversions right before their eyes, quietly telling them: *Give up on that ethereal thing at the end. Come down here; I’ll give you a similar substitute, and you can be satisfied immediately.*
In the face of powerful temptation, desire is magnified infinitely. For every bit of willpower eroded by desire, the ideal dims accordingly. Until a person is completely swallowed by desire, that long road illuminated by the ideal will be utterly submerged in darkness.
Fan Li looked toward the dorm across from hers. The light in Xing Hai’s room was off.
Although she was the one who had been dumped, she knew that Xing Hai was the one who had truly been abandoned. From the moment she was bewitched by desire, her ideal in this mortal world—that brilliant sea of stars on the night of the Red Moon—had also turned dim and lusterless.
***
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Her 4.3 Billion Years | Chapter 64 | Desire and the Ideal | Novela.app | Novela.app
