Whether it was a trick of her senses or not, Chu Ruo felt the body beside her grow colder. She pulled the woman closer, realizing she shouldn't have asked. "If you don't want to talk about it, forget I said anything," she murmured. "I was just asking casually. Let's talk about something else. I’ll tell you a story..."
"The first time I killed someone," the voice whispered in her ear, interrupting her. It was deep, hollow, and devoid of any emotion. "I was seven years old. It was my birthday."
"And then?"
"And then... well, birthdays were never any different for me. I had never celebrated one. That day, Mother took me down the mountain. I think she had me dress up as someone else—perhaps—but I can't remember the details of the journey. All I remember is the target. He was slumped on the ground, unable to move, but his eyes were wide, staring at me. I held a dagger—a very short, blunt one. Mother pushed me forward and told me to gouge out his eyes first. I was terrified. His eyes were so large, just watching me. Even though he couldn't move, I could see him desperately trying to shake his head, trying to tell me 'no'..."
At this point, Chu Ruo could feel the change in her. Nan Muxue was no longer calm; cold sweat began to seep from her skin, and a chill radiated from her body. Chu Ruo hurriedly stroked her head. "It’s okay, it’s all in the past. I’m here. Relax... don’t say anymore. We don’t have to talk about it. Be good, stop..." She cursed her own stupidity for bringing up what was likely the Little Viper’s most painful memory. "Master, I’m sorry. I shouldn't have asked..."
However, Nan Muxue did not stop. She continued to recount that long-buried past in a flat, detached voice. For years, she had deliberately avoided it, forcing herself to forget the details. But with Chu Ruo, she found herself revealing her most guarded truths.
"Mother grabbed my other hand—the one not holding the dagger. She was very strong. I didn't dare keep my eyes open, but I felt two swift movements. My fingers were covered in a thick, viscous fluid that was both warm and cold. Mother forced my eyes open. Those large eyes were gone. In their place were only two bloody holes, black and oozing red. And in my hands were two spherical objects, slick with dark red blood. I felt sick, but I didn't dare show it. Mother told me that if I threw up, she would make me swallow the eyeballs."
Suppressing her own nausea, Chu Ruo continued to comfort her. "It’s over. Everything is in the past. Ruo’er is here now. Ruo’er is with you."
"Mother gave me a shove, and my legs went weak, sending me kneeling right next to the man. She wanted me to cut his throat myself. The man had no eyes; he couldn't look at me anymore. Because he had been drugged, he couldn't move, cry, or howl. But I could feel him shaking. Perhaps from pain, or perhaps from fear. I held the dagger to his throat, but I couldn't find the strength to press down. Then, Mother... she used her own sword to carve a piece of flesh from his hand. With every cut, his body would twitch instinctively from the agony. But her strikes were precise; she wouldn't let him die. She said if I didn't do it, she would keep cutting until he died, and then she would find another person, and another, until I was willing to act. The man was at his last breath. In a panic, I placed the dagger against his throat again and used every ounce of strength I possessed to slash down. But I didn't realize... the dagger was so short, so blunt. No matter how hard I tried, it moved slowly. Every inch deeper was an agonizing ordeal. It was only then I realized Mother never intended for him to have a quick end. The blood spraying from his throat soaked my face, my body, my clothes. My white robes were dyed crimson. When I stood up, Mother slapped me hard across the face. She said I was useless and too slow. My punishment was to reflect against the wall for a night without food."
"Was that man... your mother's enemy?"
"No," she shook her head. "Just an ordinary passerby. He was chosen simply for me to kill."
"So, when you personally threw those disciples into the dungeon and treated them that way... it was to save them."
"If I didn't act, their fate would have been far worse. At least I could preserve their lives. If they fell into Mother's hands, it would be nothing but endless torture—a living death. Besides, they truly had committed offenses."
"When I returned, I bathed desperately, but I felt like the scent of blood would never leave me. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw that man's eyes staring at me. He would reach out his hands to strangle me. For many nights, I couldn't sleep. I was terrified. That day... was truly a terrible day."
She tried to say that last sentence nonchalantly, but Chu Ruo could no longer remain calm. Regardless of propriety, she pulled the woman firmly into her embrace. "Don't be afraid. From now on, such things will never happen again. With me here, no one can bully you or force you to do anything you don't want to—not even your mother."
A soft, tiny laugh suddenly came from the person in her arms. Before Chu Ruo could ask what was funny, the woman muffled against her chest spoke. "With you here, I’m even less at ease."
"What’s that supposed to mean? Looking down on me, are you? I—"
She was interrupted again as her chin was tilted up. "Do you pity me?"
Chu Ruo answered with heartfelt sincerity. "No."
"I don't want anyone's pity or mercy." Since she was very young, Nan Muxue had wrapped herself in a shell of iron. "I, Nan Muxue, have never needed the sympathy of others. I am the Mistress of a Palace. I don't need your sympathy."
Chu Ruo raised her hand. Though her vision was blurred and the room was dark, she accurately brushed a stray lock of hair from the forehead of the woman leaning against her. "I," her voice turned raspy for some reason, "am pained for you."
She truly felt a deep ache for the woman in her arms. In twenty years, she likely hadn't known a single day of true happiness. What kind of strength did it take to endure such dark times? Even now, she was still restrained—seemingly high and mighty, but in reality, just a high-level pawn. And yet, such a woman had not become as wretched as Nan Menghua. Chu Ruo’s voice grew thick. "Master..."
Her lips were suddenly tapped. Before she could react, an itch tickled the tip of her nose as Nan Muxue rubbed against her, the intimate gesture stirring her heart. Warm breath scorched her skin, inches away.
"Ruo'er," the woman whispered.
"I'm here," Chu Ruo answered quickly. "I'm here. What is it, Master?"
"Chu Ruo." It was the second time in a short while she had used her full name. Nan Muxue’s slender fingers traced the contours of her face. "Why... why are you like this?"
*How did you walk into my heart like this, making me willing to tell you everything? These are secrets I’ve hidden for years, things I never wanted anyone—including myself—to know.* "Why are you so good?"
Chu Ruo finally lowered her head in shame. How was she "good"? At least toward the Little Viper, it was always the other woman protecting her and indulging her. Had she ever treated her with even half that much care? "I'm not good. I'm a terrible person. I'm no good at letters or martial arts, I talk back to you all day, and most importantly, in my heart... in my heart..."
"What's in your heart?" Nan Muxue asked, seeing her flustered state.
*In my heart, I have both you and Yan'er.* The thought made Chu Ruo burn with embarrassment. No matter how thick-skinned she usually was, she couldn't bring herself to say it. She knew it was wrong and loathed herself for it, but she couldn't control her heart. However, she had no intention of trying to "have them both." She didn't want to break their hearts, yet she knew that no matter the outcome, someone would be hurt. "One of these days, when you and Yan'er are together, I want to talk to both of you... Don't put it off anymore. Pick a time."
"Ruo'er, actually..."
*Rumble...*
Suddenly, thunder roared outside and a gale began to howl. Nan Muxue’s unfinished words were swallowed by the heavy rain. She instinctively gripped the sleeve of the person providing her warmth. Chu Ruo, assuming she was afraid of the storm, tightened her embrace and patted her head. "Don't be afraid, it's just rain. Don't be afraid... What were you going to say just now?"
Nan Muxue changed her mind again, a playful, breathtakingly beautiful smile appearing on her face. "You glutton, you do have some uses after all."
"What else would I be?" Chu Ruo thought for a moment and added, "A rather disobedient glutton."
"You!" *I take back the thought that the Little Viper is a good person. You're a viper through and through, and a sharp-tongued one at that.*
"Is Ruo'er’s old habit acting up again?"
"Huh?" Chu Ruo stammered tentatively. "I... I didn't say anything out loud."
"Oh? So you admit you were cursing your Master in your heart?"
"No, no, no! How would I dare? Besides, Master is so good to me. Speaking of which, how do you always know what I'm thinking?"
"We've delayed long enough. That question from before... isn't it time you gave me an answer?" Nan Muxue knew from the amount of antidote Chu Ruo had stockpiled that her original intention had nothing to do with her or Yan'er. This girl had likely planned to leave from the very beginning.
Chu Ruo reacted quickly this time, realizing she was asking about why she had tried to run away before. Oh well, since she hadn't succeeded anyway, she might as well tell the truth. "I'll tell you, but you can't get angry."
"I shall listen first."
"At the start... after the first time you hit me. I wanted to leave then because you hit me."
"Hey, it hurt a lot, okay? But that wasn't the only reason. That was just the fuse. Because you hit me, I was sad, and then I missed home. I missed the place I used to live, my friends, everything. But I can't go back. Yet, I didn't want to stay here either, so I wanted to leave. Later, when things happened between you and Yan'er... it just made me more determined to go. In the end, you caught me anyway."
Nan Muxue stared at her. "And now? Do you still want to leave? I want the truth." As she asked, her heart hammered with tension. If she still wanted to go, what would she do?
"No. But the matter between you and Yan'er... I still want to settle it as soon as possible. I'm just afraid that when the time comes, it won't be a matter of whether I want to leave, but whether you or Yan'er ever want to see me again."
"Why would Yan'er or I not want to see you?"
"You're asking what you already know."
"Ruo'er says such things, yet your Master truly doesn't understand."
Chu Ruo laughed it off. "Aha, well... when is your birthday?"
"The second day of next month. Why do you ask?"
"To celebrate, of course! I'll take you—no, you take me—down the mountain. Anywhere is fine. We'll go play for a whole day."
"Is it your birthday or mine?"
"Yours! I'll be with you. That day, don't think about anything. Do whatever you want, and I'll do it with you."
"I never celebrate it."
"However, since Ruo'er has rarely asked a favor of her Master, I shall grant it."
"When did I ask—"
"Hmm?"
*Fine, I'll change the subject.* "Right, if your disciple still can't see by then, I'll have to trouble Master to lead the way. Not just then, but even now—I'll have to trouble Master for breakfast tomorrow morning."
The corners of Nan Muxue’s mouth curled up. "You want me to feed you? Then you'll have to be a cripple. Shall Master break your hands or gouge out your eyes?"
"..."
***
