Chen Jinyue stared at her sister, who was shrouded in the thick darkness of the night. Goosebumps prickled her skin—partly from the cold, and partly from being pierced through by those words.
Her pupils constricted as she asked Lin Yunsheng, "What do you mean... what do you mean, you 'tricked' me into coming back?"
Lin Yunsheng remained in the same posture as before. She tilted her head back, gazing at the stars and the bright moon—how perfectly they matched.
"Say something... Lin Yunsheng..." Jinyue’s voice trembled in the wind, thick with the threat of tears.
"I told you to speak! Lin Yunsheng!" She lunged into the haze of smoke surrounding the other woman, grabbing her collar with force, desperate to make her focus.
Chen Jinyue’s tears fell, pitter-pattering onto her own hands. Lin Yunsheng reached out to wipe them away, but Jinyue slapped her hand aside.
"Don't touch me..."
A layer of frost seemed to settle over Lin Yunsheng’s eyes. "It seems like ever since you came back, you’ve been crying because of me."
"I feel like such a failure. How did we end up like this... Xiao Jin?" Her tone was indifferent, yet it bled with despair.
"You only feel like a failure today, Lin Yunsheng?"
"For the past six years—no, six and a half years—in the places where you couldn't see me, did you ever once ask about the tears I shed for you?"
"Answer me... what do you mean by 'tricked me back'?"
Lin Yunsheng raised the hand that had been slapped away. Through the fabric of her sister's sleeve, she pinched Jinyue’s wrist and pried it off her collar.
"I’ve always known why you came back to China..."
Chen Jinyue froze for several seconds. "You did it on purpose?"
—*It’s fake. There is no David, and no boyfriend.*
—*I know.*
—*Look at this hospital visit; it wasn't even anything serious, yet your sister went out of her way to find someone to help. She never likes troubling others. Don't you think so?*
—*Yeah.*
Past conversations connected into a single line in Chen Jinyue’s mind, beginning to coil around her. Then, that line snapped into tears, falling drop by drop onto the ground.
"Lin Yunsheng, how could you use my love like this?"
If she were still abroad, even if some wounds hadn't healed, she could have lived in a state of self-anesthetized pretense as long as she didn't touch them. But Lin Yunsheng didn't just remind her that the wound was still there; she had gone to great lengths to coax her back, only to rip the scab wide open.
"You tricked me back just so you could hurt me without restraint?"
She cried until her strength failed her. Pulling her hand away, she crouched down and hugged her knees. "...You knew I would always endure it. From the moment I returned, you knew I couldn't let go of you, didn't you?"
Lin Yunsheng stood before her, silent.
All the dogmas Jinyue had used to tell herself to remain rational and objective shattered in her tears. Thinking back on her month in Haicheng—her inner conflict, her trepidation, her hopes, and her longings—they had all belonged to her alone.
And her sister, Lin Yunsheng, had been the master of the game from the very first day.
Lin Yunsheng knew she would come back, and she knew she still loved her.
It was all so horribly wrong.
Chen Jinyue’s tears soaked her sleeves. She maintained her position, then lifted her head to look at Lin Yunsheng. The moon hung behind her, and she was no longer that dead white dwarf; she had become a black hole capable of swallowing everything into herself.
It was catastrophic.
Gazing into the black hole, Jinyue forced herself to find her composure. She said, "Whatever, Lin Yunsheng. I’ve long since grown used to your silence..."
"I’m leaving soon. No... I’ll... I’ll leave as soon as I can."
"I’m in agonizing pain, yet I have to tell myself over and over that this is reasonable, that this is normal, that this is your life and you have the right to choose..."
Her voice grew smaller and smaller, her head dropping once more. She thought Lin Yunsheng would give her no response, but upon hearing the word "leave," the other woman became like a dark star losing its reason, the gravity collapsing all around her.
"Chen Jinyue, have you been prepared to leave all along?" Her voice came from above, cold and condescending.
The person crouching on the ground didn't look at her. She wiped away her tears; her cheeks stung in the cold wind, feeling as though they might crack.
"Didn't I tell you? I was always going to leave."
As Chen Jinyue rose to depart, Lin Yunsheng violently grabbed her wrist, refusing to let her take another step.
"Let go."
Lin Yunsheng ignored her. Her eyes grew redder, yet she met her sister's gaze with reckless abandon.
Chen Jinyue was so angry she laughed. "Are you just unsatisfied?"
"What did you say?"
"Is it because my giving up on all this wasn't in your plan? You're just not satisfied, right?"
"Lin Yunsheng, I’m going to start my new life, too."
"A new life?" She yanked Jinyue’s hand hard, pulling her closer.
"Yes, a new life. I’m too tired. I don't want to love you anymore."
—*I’m too tired. I don't want to love you anymore.*
That sentence transported Lin Yunsheng back to the parent-teacher meeting during her sister's first year of high school. History was constantly repeating itself.
The nights she spent tossing and turning, unable to sleep because of those words; that night at two in the morning when a knock at the door sent her to cook a bowl of noodles.
The night she had promised, "You can...", allowing everything to be rightfully permitted.
—*I think this love shouldn't have existed.*
She squeezed her sister's wrist tightly, ignoring her cry of pain. Absurd words spilled from her lips: "Chen Jinyue, it's too late. After nine years, you're telling me you're too tired?"
"I’ve always felt that your love for me was something I induced. You were young then; you couldn't distinguish. It had a chance to return to its proper place, but it was me—I was the one who gave you the signal to continue, making it so there was no turning back."
"It's too late, Chen Jinyue. 'Not wanting to love' is no longer an option."
Having said that, she kissed her sister without rhyme or reason, the struggle of a dying person mingled in her breath.
Chen Jinyue broke away from her abruptly, using the force of the push to slam herself heavily against the balcony door.
"Lin Yunsheng?! You really have gone mad!"
Her tears began to flow again. "You have a boyfriend... where does that leave me?"
Lin Yunsheng’s tone lost its balance. "You said you knew I loved you, you knew there was nothing between him and me. Why do you keep bringing him up over and over?"
"Nothing? Last time you told me that, the very next sentence was 'I'm considering it.' I waited like a fool for you to consider, delusional enough to think you'd choose me. Lin Yunsheng, what did I actually end up waiting for?"
"How many times do you want me to make the same mistake? Next time, will I be waiting for news of your wedding?"
"Lin Yunsheng, I could even offer you my blessings if you got married, so why won't you even let me go for a walk with Zhao Man?" At this point, she actually let out a laugh, incensed by the absurdity of the truth.
She tore away the last shred of their mutual dignity, leaving the wound to throb visibly in the darkness.
Lin Yunsheng no longer had the patience to stand on the balcony and argue about her own losing, ridiculous behavior. She clamped down on her sister's hand, dragging her through the living room and opening the bedroom door.
This was the third time Chen Jinyue had entered this room, but she never expected it to be under these circumstances.
The curtains were wide open, the path barely visible in the moonlight. Chen Jinyue struggled, but no matter how she struck the other woman, it had no effect. Lin Yunsheng was determined to restrain her. She opened the door to the master bathroom, flicked the faucet, and a stream of cold water rushed out.
She grabbed both of Chen Jinyue’s hands, lathered them with soap, and rinsed them in the cold water. Then, she led her out of the bathroom and threw her onto the bed.
Lin Yunsheng walked to the door and double-locked it. With a *click*, Chen Jinyue closed her eyes and stopped struggling.
She sank into an old dream. In the dream, it was the flying hair on the back of Lin Yunsheng’s bicycle; it was the umbrella on a rainy day; it was the childhood anticipation of being the first to rush out of the school gates to find her sister waiting for her.
And the beautiful blossoms of the Plum Garden—they must be falling by now, right?
Was the weather in Nancheng okay today? Was the sea breeze still so gentle?
Tears traced the corners of her eyes, yet she still didn't open them. She felt the bed sink, and Lin Yunsheng’s scent rushed toward her.
In a flat voice, she asked, "Lin Yunsheng, do you know what you're doing?"
She was met with the silence she had grown accustomed to.
Slowly, she opened her eyes and placed her hands on the face of the person before her. Lin Yunsheng’s eyes were red again.
That mole at the corner of her eye—it stole her soul and hid her love.
"Do you know?" she asked again.
Lin Yunsheng’s tears suddenly fell, landing on Chen Jinyue’s face and sliding down, merging with her own. This was the first time in her life she had seen Lin Yunsheng cry.
—*If possible, she would have preferred never to see it in this lifetime.*
In the end, she couldn't even have her way with such a small thing.
With trembling hands, she wiped away the tears. Lin Yunsheng had done this for her countless times, but for Jinyue, it was the first.
She heard Lin Yunsheng call her name in a tearful voice she couldn't withstand: "Xiao Jin..."
Her heart softened. She hated herself for softening again.
Chen Jinyue took a deep breath, tears lingering in her eyes. She reached out to unbutton her collar, then grabbed her sister's collar for the second time, pulling her down to kiss her through the tears.
—*There is no way to have it both ways in this world.*
—*Lin Yunsheng. You are absurd, and I deserve this.*
—*We are a perfect match.*
Lin Yunsheng’s left hand interlaced with hers, pinned beside her shoulder, while her right hand touched her inch by inch. Her fingers were ice-cold, making Chen Jinyue shiver.
"...Continue, Lin Yunsheng..." she urged in a low breath against her ear.
Continue—just like that night when she was eighteen, wrap her in love, make her feel that happiness was something so simple and easy.
She was a pool of moisture, brought to a boil once again because of Lin Yunsheng.
She tangled her lips and teeth with hers again, unwilling to be sober—indulging in this twisted love.
Chen Jinyue’s eyes began to lose focus. Lin Yunsheng leaned down to find her vulnerable neck, kissing it gently.
—*I love my sister Chen Jinyue very much; I loved her since she was a babbling toddler calling me 'Sheng-sheng Jiejie'.*
She also loved her now, when her voice was a soft moan, unable to form a complete sentence.
—*I loved her when she ran to hold my hand, her palm too small, so she only pinched two of my fingers.*
And she loved her now, as she occupied her right hand in another way. Watching her overflow, watching her fall into the water.
Lin Yunsheng gently guided her sister to turn over. The world was black and white in the moonlight; only that red hair tie glowed with a searing color.
The sunlight of Lakeside Park seemed still to be tangled in it—she didn't like that.
She raised her damp hand and pulled the hair tie from her sister's head. Chen Jinyue’s long hair cascaded down, spreading over her smooth back and falling onto the crumpled sheets.
She folded the long hair tie, the beads and tassels dangling below.
—*Chen Jinyue took Zhao Man’s hand and said to her, 'Let’s go, Sister.'*
Once. The beads bounced off her back with a faint sound.
"Hiss— it hurts." She tried to flee, but Lin Yunsheng pressed down on her waist.
Twice. The tassels swept across her skin, raising red welts.
"Lin Yunsheng, don't... don't do this." Physiological tears began to flow.
Three times. The silver bells that had rung with joy in the Plum Garden now sounded muffled.
"What did you call me? Xiao Jin..."
Four times. It fell apart; the string of beads shattered, rolling across the floor, bouncing twice before settling into silence.
Chen Jinyue felt her back grow wet with liquid, the stinging heat and pain radiating across her skin. She turned her head to look at Lin Yunsheng, witnessing her tears fall for the second time.
Why was she the one in pain, while the other was the one crying?
Lin Yunsheng leaned down from behind, stopping at her ear. She rubbed her tears onto Chen Jinyue’s earlobe and asked her, "What did you call me..."
"Sister..." she answered with a sob.
Lin Yunsheng reached around her shoulder to wipe her sister's tears.
Avoiding the marks, she picked Chen Jinyue up and walked toward the sofa on the enclosed balcony. She held her in her arms, turning slightly to look at the marks on her body by the moonlight.
"Does it hurt..."
Chen Jinyue’s eyes were red, and she didn't speak.
In that moment, she discovered that sorrow had a form: it was the red ribbons of welts rising one by one, and its sound was the muffled thud of silver bells and beads falling amidst weeping.
The more she heard it, the more regretful it felt.
*Click—* The sound of the front door opening came from the foyer. Mom was back.
Chen Jinyue lifted her head to look at her sister.
Her eyes sank into the other's gaze, and she saw the struggle on Lin Yunsheng’s face once more.
"Lin Yunsheng..."
Enduring the pain, she sat up and shifted her position. Facing Lin Yunsheng, she straddled her, just as she had many times before.
Chen Fang walked through the living room.
"Lin Yunsheng... don't make me leave."
Her voice trembled piteously—she was unwilling to be abandoned for a third time.
Footsteps passed by the master bedroom door.
"Let me stay here tonight, okay..."
She went to kiss her, seeking an answer.
*Click—* The door to the second bedroom closed. The world was left with only the two of them again.
"Mm..." Coming back to herself, Lin Yunsheng gave her the most tender kiss of the night.
Chen Jinyue’s heart was soothed once more.
She enjoyed the illusion this kiss brought her. In this illusion, she had a momentary trance—were there brilliant fireworks rising outside the window at this moment? Was this kiss full of hope, just like on New Year's Eve?
She glanced out the window distractedly—there was nothing—only a solitary moon.
She heard the sound from Lin Yunsheng’s lips as she whispered, "Xiao Jin, stay... okay?"
Not just staying in this room tonight, but never leaving her again.
Now, Lin Yunsheng called to her in a low voice; only at the brink of separation did she perceive the unbearable intensity of love that cannot accept parting.
Chen Jinyue did not answer. She thought: *Lin Yunsheng, how did you become so greedy and selfish?*
She stroked her sister's knuckles once more.
"Your back will hurt..."
She continued to kiss her, saying hoarsely, "Then be gentler."
—Compared to this bit of pain, her heart had long since gone numb.
The demands of the body were awakened once more, and then they killed Chen Jinyue’s love, turning everything into something vulgar.
*The moon in the sky—I think you have witnessed too much. You witnessed this love fall from the purest heights into the mundane; you witnessed my tears flow from resentment toward resignation.*
*Moon, you will forgive me, won't you?*
Love and hate, thirst and desire—the boundaries were blurred on this night.
The order of the universe was reversed; the Big Bang occurred after the birth of the black hole. The evidence was Lin Yunsheng’s painful pleasure—and Chen Jinyue was the stain born of her lust.
The one bitterly begging the other to stay was the one who had always held the upper hand, while the one about to heartlessly depart was herself.
"Ah—"
In the unavoidable conclusion, she tilted her head back and let out a soft, enchanting cry.
***
