I watched Chen Jinyue haul her small twenty-inch suitcase into a taxi and finally drive away. Looking down at the red string tied around my wrist, I found I wasn't as sad as I expected.
When I returned to the room, I found the memory album she had left on the nightstand. I flipped it open; the Polaroid was tucked inside.
She was so sly.
She had come to Wencheng with all the answers, held me in the sunlight and told me not to be afraid, then kissed me tenderly and said she would give me time to straighten everything out—as if she had truly grown up overnight.
And in the end, she gave this photo back to me.
I looked at the words she had written in the album. It turned out she had been preparing her confession for a very long time.
I read every word she wrote with earnest care. At the end, she asked me: *“Can you let me keep loving you? Can we give each other another chance?”* In several places, the ink had been smudged by her tears, leaving the paper wrinkled and uneven. I traced the marks with my fingertips, wanting to tell her, “Don’t cry.”
I turned to the very last page and realized she had added something new. The handwriting was fresh, though I didn't know when she had written it. On the high-speed train to Wencheng? Or perhaps in this very room while I wasn't looking.
*“Give yourself a chance, okay? Lin Yunsheng.”*
She really was so sly.
I closed the album and gently placed it back where it belonged, then picked up the perfume and sprayed a mist over the pillow.
I was so tired. I decided to sleep first.
I had a very strange dream. I dreamt of my childhood.
In the dream, I was outside the old house, sitting on a bamboo chair in the sun with my mother’s childhood friend. She was holding her infant daughter. I stretched in the sunlight and heard her softly ask me if anything happy had happened lately. I shook my head dully.
She asked if I missed my mother. I nodded twice.
Then she turned and looked at me with a tender gaze, repeating the words she had said so many times before: “Yunsheng, you look just like your mother. Your eyes and nose are just as beautiful as hers.”
“Really?” I smiled along with her.
A moment later, a tiny figure lunged into my arms. She looked about four years old. She hugged me, calling out, “Sheng-sheng Jie-jie, Sheng-sheng Jie-jie.” I looked down at her, my fingers brushing over her soft, unformed brow and the bridge of her nose. I pinched her chubby cheeks between my thumb and forefinger, making them puff out, and asked, “What is it?” She stood on her tiptoes, shielding my eyes with her small hands, and said in a milky voice that the sun was too bright.
I smiled softly, took her hand, and said, “Let’s go inside then.” Just as I stood up, I heard someone calling from the house: “Sheng-sheng, come wash your hands for dinner!”
I looked back. It was Chen Fang. She was placing a bowl of soup on the table; it was hot, and after setting it down, she quickly pinched her earlobes with her fingers.
“Coming,” I answered. The person whose hand I was holding walked very slowly, and since I was hungry, I simply picked her up. Her eyes were now level with mine. She called me “Sheng-sheng Jie-jie” again and gave me a loud *smack* of a kiss on the cheek.
I suddenly remembered I hadn't said goodbye to my mother’s friend. I looked toward the door again, but she had vanished at some point. That was fine. I was really hungry.
I turned back toward the dining table, and the house suddenly transformed. It was no longer the dilapidated old house, but the apartment I had bought. The person in my arms had also disappeared.
“What are you standing there for? It’s time to eat, Lin Yunsheng.” I followed the voice and saw twenty-five-year-old Chen Jinyue sitting there. Then Chen Fang patted her shoulder and said, “Don’t be so disrespectful. That’s your sister.”
“Oh. Time to eat, Sister.”
I walked over and sat beside Chen Jinyue. Steaming home-cooked dishes were laid out before me. Chen Fang handed me a bowl of chicken soup with a drumstick inside. Instinctively, I tried to move it to Chen Jinyue’s bowl, but she stopped me. “This bowl is yours,” she said.
“Ah... thanks, Mom.”
I lost track of how long I drifted in that dream. When I woke up, my eyes were wet again. I don’t know what’s been wrong with me lately; I seem to have become very prone to tears.
I took a moment to compose myself and sat up to check the time. It was already two in the afternoon—Xiao Jin’s flight should have taken off by now. After a long hesitation, I dialed Chen Fang’s number.
“Hello, Sheng-sheng.”
“Mom. Where are you?”
“I’m on the subway heading home. I just dropped Yue-yue off.”
I guessed Xiao Jin must have been very happy that Mom went to the airport to see her off. My mood brightened as well. “Have you eaten?”
“I have. What about you?”
“I’ll go eat in a bit.”
“Are you still in Wencheng?”
“Yeah... I’ll be back in two days.”
“Okay. Let me know in advance.”
“Okay.” Since I was alone in the room, I didn't have to hide my smile.
Outside the window, the sun was still blazing. It felt like spring was truly coming. Otherwise, why would the blue sky and white clouds be stirring my heart so? Something was about to break through the soil.
Two days later, I returned to Haicheng. To be honest, Chen Jinyue had achieved every single one of her goals.
It was so annoying. From the moment I stepped into the house, I started missing her. In every corner of this apartment, I uncontrollably missed her voice, her scent, and her touch.
Everything was a mess.
I forced myself back into my original rhythm, throwing myself into work. Zhao Man, however, kept giving me thoughtful, searching looks every now and then. Eventually, I couldn't take it anymore and treated her to dinner. At the table, I said, “Weren't you curious about what happened between me and my sister?”
“Mhm?”
“Chen Jinyue isn't my biological sister.”
“Oh, I see!” She looked as if she had suddenly reached an epiphany.
I didn't say anything more, and she didn't ask. I figured she had guessed the rest.
I changed the subject and asked if those two newcomers in the department were still there.
“They are. What are you planning now?” She gave me a wary look.
“Nothing... It’s good that they’re still there.” In truth, I really had lost my mind during that meeting. Surrounded by troubles, I had stubbornly blamed everything that was spiraling out of my control on that work accident. I kept thinking that if I were still in Nancheng, Chen Jinyue wouldn't have come back early, Mom wouldn't have noticed anything, and none of this would have happened.
Thinking back, it was just a clumsy attempt at self-deception. I was glad Zhao Man had stopped me.
However, Wang Chengfan still had to be fired. I had Ren Xiaoxiao to thank for that. I mentioned wanting to treat her to dinner last time, but she made an excuse about being too busy and said we’d do it another time. I hadn't heard back since.
Once that matter was settled, I spent some time catching up on work and getting the team back on track. Li Guangsheng didn't press me on anything; he just gave me another empty promise of a promotion and told me to keep up the good work.
Fine.
During this time, I didn't contact Xiao Jin, nor did I mention anything to Chen Fang. I knew she was waiting for me to speak, but I felt I hadn't quite figured out how to tell her.
Since Chen Jinyue said she’d give me time to straighten things out, I wanted to be thorough. I wanted to have it all figured out before I loved her again.
A month later, the breath of spring finally began to permeate Haicheng.
That day, I was sitting at my desk approving emails. Feeling a bit tired, I leaned back in my chair and looked down through the floor-to-ceiling window on the 19th floor. I watched the busy intersection where people looked like ants, crossing the street in swarms. I watched the warm sunlight chasing a wagging dog across the lawn.
I counted the seconds on the red light. Three, two, one—then the bus at the front of the line surged forward, driving all the way to the end of the road until it vanished from sight. It must have been carrying many people. Were they in a good mood? In this hopeful spring.
*“Has anything happy happened lately?”* My mother’s friend’s question from the dream suddenly came to mind.
I nodded to myself. I thought there was.
Li Guangsheng was sitting across from me. His gaze shifted past his computer screen to look at me, seemingly puzzled by my movement. I took the opportunity to say, “I’d like to take some time off.”
His brow furrowed, as if to say: *Again? Didn't you have enough rest during your long leave?*
“Just this afternoon.”
I saw him breathe a sigh of relief as he granted the leave.
Afterward, I went to Zhao Man’s desk to find a book. I flipped through the stacks next to her desk, but they were all about team management and marketing. So boring.
“What are you doing?”
“Looking for a book to pass the time.”
“Aren't you busy?”
“I took the afternoon off.”
She glanced at me sideways and pointed to another stack. “Check there.”
My gaze landed on a collection of poems titled *The Waste Land*. I pulled it out and said, “I’ll return it in a few days,” before leaving without a second thought.
Then, I bought two bouquets of flowers and drove to my mother’s grave.
I didn't do much. I just took a folding camping chair out of the trunk, set it up in the sun, sat down, and spent the afternoon reading.
The book was... truly gloomy and obscure, filled with long metaphors and abstract descriptions, but I still read most of it with great interest.
The sun beat down on me, feeling very warm. I left my coat in the car, wearing only a sweater and the scarf Xiao Jin had given me. Occasionally the wind would make it flutter, and I would smooth it down with my hand to keep it still.
By the time I closed the book, the sun hadn't yet begun to set. Spring had indeed lengthened the daylight. I got up, took the flowers from the car, and knelt to place them before my mother’s grave. I sat on the ground, looking at her headstone and then at my father’s. I actually wanted to ask: *Are you two living together now?* To be honest, I didn't quite understand why they were buried together.
That was a bit of an intrusive question...
I looked back at my mother’s headstone. I said, “Mom, I always see people online saying it takes a lifetime to heal from one’s childhood. But is my lifetime only thirty years long? Because I feel like I’m almost better.”
My greatest symptom was perhaps believing that being unloved was the only way to be safe. During the stage when my brain was learning to calculate the world, that was my thesis. I was familiar with the process and the result of being unloved; I was accustomed to people leaving—you, Dad, and... my other mother, Chen Fang. But it seemed the calculation process had been altered by Chen Fang. She didn't leave; she took me with her.
“Mom, if you can see me from heaven, you must know I’ve fallen in love with someone I shouldn't, right? Do you blame me? Well, even if you do, there’s nothing to be done. It’s already happened.”
In truth, I really lacked confidence when it came to "love." Firstly, I felt it would eventually leave me, and secondly, I had the bad habit of trying to read people’s minds, instinctively performing to please them. So, was the love reflected back at me truly meant for me? Or was it meant for the facade I had constructed?
But what could I do... I felt like both Chen Fang and Chen Jinyue loved the real me. Suddenly, I felt I wasn't so wretched after all.
Sigh. If Chen Fang hadn't treated me like her own daughter, perhaps I wouldn't be so conflicted. I’ve always felt I was a bit cold-hearted; like the day Dad had his accident, half of my tears were shed for myself.
Speaking of which, I glanced at my father’s headstone and whispered, “I’m sorry.”
But Chen Fang... she had always been unreserved in her love for me. I didn't want to be the one to destroy that love. So many loves had left me, and only she remained by my side. I really shouldn't hurt any of this.
I had been running away for so many years. It was a bit shameful; I hadn't expected that she would be the one to step in and change my calculation results again.
I’ve been a business analyst for so many years, dealing with data all day, always obsessed with finding the unique and optimal solution. But she always comes out to tell me that life and love aren't calculated that way.
It’s like topology—a ring and a coffee cup can be equivalent. And I am worthy of the love she gives me. Even though I have committed the "heinous crime" of falling in love with Chen Jinyue, she still cries out of worry when she can't reach me.
It’s so hard, Mom. Don't you think? If only life were as simple as a numbers game.
I think I really need to talk to my other mother.
I stood up, took a wet wipe from the car, and cleaned both headstones. Then I straightened the flowers on the ground. I said, “I’ll come see you again next time.”
Then I drove home in the sunset.
Chen Fang didn't expect me to be back so early. She was sitting on the sofa cracking melon seeds and looked a bit surprised to see me. I walked over and handed her the bouquet of carnations. She froze, looking at me as if she didn't know what trick I was playing.
Seeing that she wasn't taking them, I had to set them on the coffee table. Then I sat down beside her and leaned my head on her shoulder. Usually, we weren't this intimate; no matter how many years passed, I still felt a bit awkward.
I knew she wasn't used to it either, because I immediately felt her back go rigid. She was so stiff she even stopped cracking the melon seeds in her hand.
“Mom.”
“Yeah?”
“I went to visit the graves today.”
“Oh...” People often use the metaphor of a deflating balloon—it turns out it’s true. At that moment, I felt Chen Fang was leaking air; her shoulders slumped slightly.
In that small downward shift, I realized that in this voluntarily chosen mother-daughter relationship, I wasn't the only one afraid of losing the other.
I reached out and tucked my arm through hers. I said, “I told them that I’m very happy now, that I have a very good mother...”
Chen Fang didn't speak, but the balloon seemed to be pumped with a little air.
“And one more thing...”
“Before Xiao Jin left, she told me you have an IUD in your body.”
I looked up at her.
“...Ah, yes.”
“Let’s find a time to go to the hospital for a checkup. If it can be removed, let’s have it taken out.”
“Will it be dangerous? One of our old neighbors had a hemorrhage when she had hers removed and didn't make it.”
“That’s why we’ll do a checkup first.”
“Oh... alright then.”
“Mom, this was actually Xiao Jin’s idea.”
She looked at me. I continued, “But I don’t know when she’ll be back, so I’ll take you first.”
“You want your sister to come back?” she asked knowingly.
I didn't dodge the question. I said, “Yes.”
Chen Fang put the melon seeds back into the fruit tray, stood up, and said, “I’ll go make dinner.”
I stood up too, grabbed a handful of seeds, and put them back in her hand. I made her sit back down, telling her I would cook today.
“Mom, for better or worse, this whole thing started with me. Don’t blame Xiao Jin.”
“I... I’m thirty now. You and Xiao Jin are the most important people to me. I don’t want to give up either of you.”
“Actually... that night seven years ago, my biggest fear was that you wouldn't want me anymore. After something like that happened, the fact that you were still willing to treat me as your daughter... I couldn't dare to ask for more.”
As I said this, I felt like I was going to cry again. I stopped the conversation and turned toward the kitchen, deciding to make dinner first.
Later, when I brought the dishes out, I found the flowers I had given her on the dining table. Chen Fang had put them in a vase and even trimmed the stems.
They looked much brighter than the white chrysanthemums I had left at the graves.
At the table, Chen Fang said to me, “Whether she comes back or not, you two decide for yourselves. I really can’t control it anymore. I’ve been thinking about whether I should just move in with my divorced friend in a while.”
“Mom... let’s talk about that later.”
“Then we’ll talk later.” She picked up a rib and put it in her bowl.
When we finished eating and she put down her chopsticks, she called out, “Sheng-sheng.”
“Mhm.”
“Have you ever regretted coming away with me back then?”
Why was Chen Fang still asking me this even now? Had I really been doing such a poor job?
I stood up to clear the dishes. This question was so easy to answer that I didn't even need to stop what I was doing to show gravity.
I stacked the plates and said, “The day you took me away, May 26th—I’ve always considered it my second birthday.”
Then I took the dirty dishes to the kitchen.
By the time I returned to my room, it was nearly nine o'clock. I sat on the small sofa and opened the poetry collection again, wanting to finish it.
There was a passage that said:
*Time past and time future / Allow but a little consciousness. / To be conscious is not to be in time / But only in time can the moment in the rose-garden, / The moment in the arbour where the rain beat, / The moment in the draughty church at smokefall / Be remembered; involved with past and future. / Only through time time is conquered.*
By the time I finished the whole book, it was nearly midnight. I calculated the time difference; it was one in the afternoon where Xiao Jin was. I didn't know if she was busy.
I couldn't wait any longer. I didn't send a message to ask first; I just dialed her number.
The dial tone rang only once before it was hung up...
I hadn't expected my first overseas call to Chen Jinyue to end like this.
My chest tightened with frustration. I set the book aside and stood by the window, looking at that silly big moon. Now it was looking back at me, admiring my offense and my restlessness.
My thoughts began to drift back to a few months ago, to the night I decided to trick Chen Jinyue into coming back.
She had never asked me why I could endure it for six years but suddenly decided I wanted her back.
It was just as well she didn't ask. Even if she had, I would have just found an excuse to brush it off. After all, I would have found it... a bit embarrassing.
In truth, the reason I wanted her back was the same as the reason she finally decided to return—I thought she was going to start dating.
I had accidentally seen a WeChat message she sent to Mom. There was a photo of her at a party, and a guy next to her was acting very close.
I went through a lot of trouble to check her LinkedIn and Facebook, eventually finding the person. His name was David.
Coincidentally, his latest update featured two photos, one of which was a solo shot with my sister.
Sigh. At that moment, I felt my indignation swelling in my chest, even spilling over into a bit of anger. I saved the photo, leaned back in my chair, and stared at the ceiling. I thought: *It’s been six years, and I’ve never gotten over it.*
I pulled my thoughts back and tapped my phone screen.
Seven minutes had passed since she hung up on me, and she still hadn't called back.
I kept thinking.
Later, she came back. To be honest, it wasn't because I wanted to start something with her again. I just wanted to see her.
Just to see her—it was that simple.
At that time, I was certain there was no longer any possibility between Xiao Jin and me. She hated me so much when she left, and I would never tell her why I had ended it.
But I was equally certain that my longing was like a long rain falling on the muddy earth—silent, yet making every night of the past six years damp. I couldn't speak of it; I could only endure it until it became an instinct, like breathing.
So, even if I just saw her, it would be enough to let the rain stop for a moment.
And so, I gazed at her when she provocatively asked if she was beautiful; I traced her with my eyes when she lay on the sofa with her eyes closed, ignoring me. I thought I would be satisfied with that, but I was far too greedy.
I craved those few seconds of holding her hand to record her fingerprint. I couldn't wait to tell her the password was her birthday—that was my secret confession. I also enjoyed the pleasure of our ankles brushing under the table, hidden from everyone, much like my feelings for her that couldn't see the light of day.
But why was it still not enough?
Until I uncontrollably kissed her. At that moment, I realized that "just wanting to see her" was a self-deceiving delusion.
That’s right. Longing is a long rain. Not only does it not stop for a moment, it falls even more fiercely.
Once again, I was inevitably—or perhaps fatefully—awakened to the instinct of loving her.
So annoying.
I had endured for six years, only for everything to fall apart in just a few days.
Eleven minutes. The phone was still as quiet as if the battery had been removed.
Was it dead? I glanced at the top right corner. 82%.
Really, so annoying.
I said, *Chen Jinyue, what on earth are you doing?*
If you don't call me back soon, I’m going to finish reminiscing about our entire lives!
It was maddening.
***
**Glossary**
Chinese | English | Notes/Explanation
--- | --- | ---
节育环 | IUD (Intrauterine Device) | A form of long-term birth control.
《荒原》 | The Waste Land | A famous poem by T.S. Eliot. (The quote used in the text is actually from his *Four Quartets*).
拓扑学 | Topology | A branch of mathematics concerned with the properties of geometric forms that remain constant under continuous transformation.
越洋电话 | Overseas call / Transatlantic call | Literally "cross-ocean phone call."
拍立得 | Polaroid / Instax | Instant film camera.
康乃馨 | Carnation | The flower Lin Yunsheng gives to Chen Fang.
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