After traversing the boundary between life and death, I was brought back to the land of the living by my youngest son. Even though the first thing I heard upon waking was him telling Old Liu to go die—and despite the fact that I solemnly fulfilled my maternal duties by slapping him without a second thought—I still couldn't suppress the overflowing motherly love I felt for my youngest! Why? Because he’s handsome!
That’s just how principled I am. One look at him and I knew he was my son; there was no doubt about it.
After listening to Old Liu ramble on about how the youngest was born at the exact moment of my death, how he took on Chaos single-handedly with a forty-nine-day unbroken combo, and how he finally, with filial devotion, tore open Old Liu’s chest to retrieve me and re-gestate my soul, I immediately shed tears of moved emotion! My son is so wonderful; I had to give him a proper name right away. Otherwise, that unreliable Old Liu would probably name him something like "Greater Than," "Equal To," or "Less Than"—names that sound so provincial, as if our family lacks culture or is desperately hoping for our sons to become mathematicians. Even if they were to be mathematicians, you should at least pick something high-end and classy like Liu Fermat or Liu Calculus, right? Old Liu really is hopeless.
A flash of inspiration struck me, and I gave my last-born—who is also technically the eldest—a name that perfectly suited his image as the new Chief God. It was catchy, noble, and elegant; it shared a lineage with his brothers while reflecting his status as the Crown Prince. Moreover, it carried a hint of sensibility and melancholy to compensate for the family tragedy of his brothers all being named after logical symbols.
"What's the name?" Old Liu asked me.
"Holy Light Dumpling!"
Old Liu thought it was great.
However, everyone else at the dinner table proceeded to spray a variety of substances across the surface.
The variety was due to the fact that as gods, their diets were bizarre. Lu Daoshi ate gold, so he spat out a pile of gold; Liu Greater Than ate mercury, spraying it everywhere, even onto Little Less Than’s cake. Little Less Than was about to foolishly stuff it into his mouth, so I quickly pulled him onto my lap and handed the cake wrapper to Greater Than to deal with. Little Less Than started acting up, trying to bounce on my knees, so Old Liu took him into his arms. Damn, raising kids is too hard! Whether ancient or modern, Chinese or foreign, these little brats are all annoying; you have to watch them through every meal and bathroom break. My first, second, and fifth sons are still the best—they were over six feet tall the moment they popped out of the womb. Especially the fifth; only forty-eight days old and he can tank, dps, and resurrect teammates. If a son like that isn't called Holy Light Dumpling, what else could he be called?
Strangely, Holy Light Dumpling hadn't moved for a while. He remained frozen, holding his chopsticks, his gaze vacant. Old Liu asked him, "Holy Light, are you feeling unwell?"
"No. Wait—what the hell is a 'Holy Light'?"
"Dumpling," Old Liu corrected immediately.
"No, no, no, no, no..." Holy Light Dumpling gestured as he set down his chopsticks. He fell silent for five seconds before snatching up a plate. "I am the Chief God of this era. You two are retired, right? So everything in this world belongs to my jurisdiction, right?"
Old Liu and I exchanged a look. This kid looked a bit manic; we had to make sure he didn't end up like Old Liu used to be—ready to retaliate against society the moment he got upset. I tried to calm the boy down: "That’s true in theory, but your Dad... and your Father were born billions of years before you. We’ve eaten more bridges than you’ve walked salt. You have to listen to us occasionally."
"I will, of course, take your opinions into account..."
"That's good." Old Liu signaled for me to sit. "Ye Xiao, you don't need to say more. Dumpling knows what he's doing."
The calm that had briefly settled on Holy Light Dumpling’s face vanished, replaced by a look of impending rampage. He brandished the plate: "I said, have you two had enough?!"
Seeing Dumpling aiming the plate at me, Old Liu slammed his hand on the table with authority. "Dumpling, what are you doing? Sit down!"
Greater Than also tugged at his sleeve. "Dumpling, how can you speak to the Father Gods like that?"
Little Less Than, who had been eating mush in Old Liu’s arms, looked up innocently and asked, "Pa-pa, are dumplings yummy?"
"...Don't eat them. They're junk food," Old Liu said, stroking the toddler's round, pink cheek.
Holy Light Dumpling flew into a rage. "Why am I junk food?! Huh?! Have I been reduced to junk food now?!"
"Speaking of safe dumplings, Japan is the place to go." Lu Daoshi chewed on his gold with an air of leisure. "Eh, 'Holy Light Dumpling' sounds like a Japanese anime goddess anyway. Is there a connection to the fact that the snack originated in Japan? Ye Xiao, after dying once, your divergent logical thinking has really improved."
"You bet!"
Holy Light Dumpling hurled the plate at the wall behind Lu Daoshi. With a crisp *crack*, the plate shattered into pieces. "That's not the point, Prometheus! Do you really intend to serve another term as the God of Wisdom in the new era?!"
"My, my, young people these days have such tempers. I remember when your Father God was in his final mortal life—as Ye Xiao—he was about your age, yet he never had such 'heroic' tales of throwing plates at people." Ren Xing opened a can of beer with one hand, chugging it down. He set the can down firmly, stood up, and his gaze turned sharp. "Listen, Dumpling. Apologize to your Uncle Lu."
"Eh, Ren Xing, forget it. Why get worked up with a youngster? He was just joking with me—right, Dumpling?" Lu Daoshi handed over a beer while trying to pull the aggressive Ren Xing back into his seat.
Ren Xing refused to budge and turned to Old Liu. "Old Liu, your Dumpling—are you going to discipline him or not?"
Holy Light Dumpling started clutching his hair. "What are you two doing, acting like the infertile couple living next door?!"
This time, even Lu Daoshi sided with Ren Xing. He pointed at Holy Light Dumpling and complained to Old Liu with a look of deep hurt, "Old Liu, I can't hold it in anymore either. Your Dumpling just called us the infertile couple next door! Did you hear that?!"
"Who's infertile? Who's infertile?! Based on my years on the police force, I’m warning you, Dumpling—don't look at the world through infertile eyes!" Ren Xing rapped his knuckles against the table.
"Dumpling." Old Liu remained silent for a moment before casting a cold glance at him. "Apologize to your Uncle Lu and Uncle Ren."
Holy Light Dumpling looked incredulous. "Apologize? To them? Lu Daoshi is one thing, but Ren Xing isn't even a god!"
Lu Daoshi interjected, "Then I suggest we make Ren Xing one of us. After all, I've already modified most of his functions. Aside from immortality, he's already very close to the God Race."
Holy Light Dumpling: "Hey, that's not the point! Weren't we talking about the apology?!"
Old Liu glanced at me before finally making a fair decision. "Ren Xing is a hero, half-god and half-human. In this battle, he performed deeds worthy of praise. I invite you to enter the Pantheon of the Gods."
Holy Light Dumpling: "Hey! I'm the King of the Olympic Gods now!"
Ren Xing opened another can of beer and coolly rejected Old Liu. "I haven't decided yet if I want to exist as a god."
Holy Light Dumpling was losing it. "Did I even invite you, hey!"
"You have a long time to consider. Regardless of whether you enter the Divine Realm, I will elevate you into a constellation after your death." Old Liu nodded slightly, signaling a truce with Ren Xing. Ren Xing clinked his can against Old Liu's glass. Old Liu frowned, but under my expectant gaze, he finally took a sip of the beer. He immediately began to cough and set the can down.
"It tastes like horse urine fermented in the open air," he warned Greater Than, Less Than, and Dumpling.
I felt a bit faint. "Old Liu, how do you know what horse urine fermented in the open air tastes like?"
My Big Brother Liu looked dead serious. Damn it! I really want to know what kind of menu Big Brother Liu was following behind my back during all those times I lost my memory.
"So—is anyone actually listening to me?!" Holy Light Dumpling pounded the table.
"Yes. You can apologize to Uncle Lu and Uncle Ren now," Old Liu and I said in unison.
Holy Light Dumpling’s face was a picture of "what the hell."
Little Less Than rolled around in Greater Than’s arms, his shirt riding up to reveal his belly button. "Dumpling... Dumpling won't 'pologize. Dumpling is a bad boy."
I reached out to pull Little Less Than’s shirt down to cover his navel. Kids are such a hassle; they don't even know they'll catch a cold. Meanwhile, Greater Than held Less Than and shushed him. "The adults are lecturing Dumpling; let's stay quiet."
Holy Light Dumpling glared at his two brothers with a look of pure disbelief.
Greater Than, in a great mood, started humming a nursery rhyme while playing with Less Than’s fingers.
Holy Light Dumpling slammed the door and stormed out.
Old Liu, Lu Daoshi, and Ren Xing all stared at me.
"For a rebellious teenager, a lecture from a gentle mother is usually more effective. And fortunately, you aren't in menopause yet," Lu Daoshi suggested.
Ren Xing leaned in to remind him, "Stop talking. Those two are 'infertile.'"
Lu Daoshi had a sudden realization.
I smacked him hard on the head. Realization my ass! Don't I have enough kids and enough chaos in this house already?
When I opened the bedroom door, Holy Light Dumpling was curled up in the corner, clutching his knees pitifully. Seeing me, he huffed and buried his head between his knees. I sat down beside him and stroked his hair. He covered his face and slumped onto my lap; he was even heavier than Old Liu.
"You're all bullying me," Holy Light Dumpling muttered. "I'm clearly the Chief God of the new generation, but none of you take me seriously. You still scold me like a child."
"Because you *are* a child," I said, ruffling his soft black hair to see if he’d washed his head properly. "Even if you rule over everything, you're still your Dad's... and your Father's little boy. Of course we have to look after you. We have to make sure you don't do evil, that you don't run amok, that you protect small animals, cherish the flowers and grass, and guard all of humanity. We have to raise you to be the best god possible before we can confidently hand the entire world over to your protection."
Holy Light Dumpling peeked at me through the gaps in his fingers. "Really?"
"Really." I rested my chin on his arm. "In the future, you will be the Ruler of the Abyss. If you develop the temperament that violence can make everyone bow down from a young age, it will surely lead to grave consequences. Therefore, your Father God must restrain you, and you must accept his restraint."
Holy Light Dumpling made a sound like a cat purring and turned over to hug me.
After a long silence, he whispered very close to me, "Mom." His hair brushed against my neck.
Oh, my heart just melted! My young, handsome, forty-eight-day-old youngest son!
"Hmm?"
Holy Light Dumpling hesitated. "Mom, I heard that Dad used to turn any god or human he didn't like into petroleum at the drop of a hat. Is that true? If so, why can't I use violence to make people bow?"
"...Haha, hahahaha, Dumpling, where did you hear such things? How could your Dad be that kind of person? Hahahahahaha..."
He scrambled up, his fists clenched in suppressed rage. "And that 'Holy Light Dumpling' name—it wasn't about restraining me or raising me to be a qualified successor at all! It was entirely you adults' twisted sense of humor, wasn't it?!"
"Oh my, Dumpling, what are you saying? Is that any way to talk to your *Okaasan*? Ho ho ho ho ho..."
"That tacky laugh totally gave you away, Ye Xiao!"
"Calling your *Okaasan* by her full name? Have you no shame, Dumpling-chan?!"
When Old Liu entered the room, he saw Dumpling pinning me to the floor and throttling my neck.
And so, the new Lord of the Gods, King of the Universe, Ruler of the World, Lord of the Abyss, Guardian of the Wings of Horus, Master of Olympus, the Sigh of Wood... had his pants pulled down and his butt paddled by his dad.
Sigh. Even for the God Race, raising children is truly an exceptionally massive headache.
***
**Glossary**
Chinese | English | Notes/Explanation
---|---|---
圣光团子 | Holy Light Dumpling | The ridiculous name Ye Xiao gives his youngest son. "Tuanzi" means dumpling or a round, cute blob.
柳费马 | Liu Fermat | A play on Pierre de Fermat, the mathematician.
柳高数 | Liu Calculus | "Gaoshu" refers to Advanced Mathematics/Calculus.
报社 | Retaliate against society | Internet slang (报复社会) for being destructive or bitter toward the world.
欧卡桑 | Okaasan | Transliteration of the Japanese word for "Mother," used here for comedic effect.
团子酱 | Dumpling-chan | Adding the Japanese honorific "-chan" to the son's ridiculous name.
木之叹息 | Sigh of Wood | One of the many grandiose titles given to the new Chief God.
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