These past two days, my mood has been more complicated than the Goldbach conjecture. I used to wake up early and go running with him, but now I don’t even dare provoke him. Without me trailing after him all day like a little follower, Ling Xiao has returned to being completely alone. From a distance, I look at him as if he were a lone poplar standing on an open plain. Thinking about how I once had the nerve to flirt with him—I must’ve had some seriously thick skin, and an absurd amount of courage…
Another thing was that I agreed to do an endorsement for Old Hu. Naturally, he was thrilled. These days, aside from drilling us day and night, he’s busy pulling sponsorships and handling PR. For a rugged, rough-looking guy like him to suddenly act as a PR gentleman—sometimes when I pass his office and see him tying a tie and smoothing his hair—it really isn’t easy for him.
Whenever Old Hu goes out for social engagements, he hands the team over to the captain. That’s when it becomes painful for me. My position is right in the middle of the formation, and every time we line up, Ling Xiao stands directly in front of me. If I don’t look at him, where am I supposed to look? I can’t exactly keep glancing left and right. Fortunately, Ling Xiao isn’t like Old Hu, who loves long speeches. After assembly, he usually just briefly explains the morning’s training content and that’s it. He doesn’t look at me either—his gaze skillfully moves in a circle with me as the center point, never landing on me. That lets me breathe a sigh of relief.
In the blink of an eye, two days passed, and it was the wonderful Saturday again. After dinner, Lao Qi asked if Big Fatty and I wanted to sneak out to have some fun. Technically, we’re not allowed to leave the base on Saturdays, but since tomorrow’s a day off anyway, and Old Hu’s been busy with PR lately, as long as we don’t go overboard, he usually turns a blind eye.
I’d been in such a terrible mood these past two days that I agreed to climb over the wall with them and blow off some steam.
Lao Qi and Gao Dapang said they wanted to go to a bar for drinks. I said, “You’re both national team athletes—what are you drinking alcohol for? Just drink some Red Bull.”
Gao Dapang asked innocently, “Brother Qi, can we compromise and go to a bar to drink Red Bull?”
What I didn’t expect was that the bar Lao Qi brought us to was the very same one where Ling Xiao worked part-time. Just as we reached the entrance, I hurriedly stopped them.
“Hey, Lao Qi, have you been to this bar before?”
“Nope. But I have an online friend who works here. I came to support his business!”
He was about to walk in. I was as anxious as an ant on a hot pan. Ling Xiao had never told anyone he worked at a bar. I only found out by accident, and sometimes he even climbed over the wall to come work here. Either way, it was against the rules. He definitely didn’t want anyone on the team to know. In my panic, I blurted out, “This is a gay bar! Lao Qi, are you sure that online friend doesn’t have a thing for you?”
Lao Qi was startled and pulled his half-stepped foot back. Gao Dapang gasped too. “Seriously? I’ve heard there are a lot of gay bars around here…”
I even swore on my own identity as a gay man to convince them. Only then did I manage to coax them away. Before leaving, I glanced through the bar window. Ling Xiao, dressed in a restrained black-and-white uniform, was pouring a drink for a beautiful female customer. She tilted her head and chatted him up. He kept his head down, organizing the glasses behind the counter. It looked like he was listening, but I knew he wasn’t listening at all.
We sat down in a bar next door. Lao Qi and Gao Dapang were busy chatting up girls, so I said I was going out for some air. Lao Qi patted my shoulder understandingly and said, “Go ahead. Everyone has the right to pursue romantic encounters, regardless of orientation~”
What nonsense was he thinking?!
I walked out and stood by the street, not knowing what to do. Everyone was inside indulging themselves, while the street was cold and empty. The weather was clear tonight, and the stars were unusually visible. It was a beautiful night sky, yet no one was looking at it. I tilted my head back, lost in thought, when suddenly my phone rang.
A soft, coquettish voice came through—it was obviously Auntie.
“Qiao Mai, what are you doing?”
“Nothing,” I said. “Looking at the stars.”
“Are the stars pretty?”
I glanced toward the bar window. Occasionally, when the crowd shifted, I could see Ling Xiao behind the counter. I shrugged. “They’re twinkling. Not bad.” Ling Xiao’s posture stood out from everyone else’s—upright and clean.
Auntie giggled. “Your stars are down there?”
I realized something was wrong. Just as I turned around, Auntie smacked my back, scaring the life out of me.
“Holy hell, you scared me! What are you doing here?!”
“You’re allowed to come out and look at stars, but I’m not allowed to come out for a drink?” Auntie peered toward the bar. “Why not go in? Let the starlight pour all over you and warm and nourish you!”
He grabbed my arm and tried to drag me inside. I quickly stopped him. “No! Ling Xiao… he probably really doesn’t want to see me…”
“What’s wrong? Aren’t you usually shameless? Why are you suddenly such a coward?”
I sighed. “Let’s find somewhere. I’ll explain slowly.”
We went to a 24-hour café. Since Auntie asked about me, I suddenly wanted to ask him something.
“Um… can you tell me… back then, in high school… when they excluded you, how did it feel?”
Auntie froze. “Why are you asking that?”
Ah, that was inappropriate. How could I ask something like that? “Forget it. Pretend I didn’t ask. This one’s on me.”
“Since you’re treating, I should repay you.” Auntie rested his chin on his hand, looking out the window. After thinking for a moment, he said, “It was pretty painful. You know, in collective life, the worst thing is being ignored. Let alone being mocked behind your back. From morning classes to afternoon to evening study, you’re constantly isolated and ridiculed. Even walking up and down the stairs, no one walks beside you. Everyone around you is chatting about where they’ll go after school, and you’re the only one silently wishing the stairs would end faster. It’s a terrible feeling. Maybe it’d be easier if you were a top student—but I wasn’t…”
“Would being a top student really make it easier?”
“I’m just guessing. Probably. Why are you asking? Who’s the top student? Definitely not you… Ah!” Auntie’s instincts as a veteran gay man were sharp. “Ling Xiao?! Holy crap, is he really gay?!”
“No!” I raised my hand quickly to hush him. This concerned Ling Xiao’s reputation—he couldn’t just shout about it. “He’s not. But he has a brother. I heard his brother came out, and their dad kicked him out. After that, Ling Xiao was also discriminated against and excluded at school. I only just found out.”
Auntie nodded in understanding. “Did Ling Xiao tell you?”
“I wish he had.” I stirred my coffee. Just the smell of it was unbearably bitter. “Someone posted about it online. Said they were his former classmate. It seems real. I just hope… since Ling Xiao was a top student, maybe he wasn’t too desperate back then…”
“Ling Xiao must’ve been a top student. And he seems like a very strong person. Maybe obstacles that crush ordinary people don’t weigh on him the same way…”
I knew Auntie was trying to comfort me, but it didn’t really convince me. And that wasn’t the only thing bothering me.
“Do you think… since Ling Xiao’s brother is gay, could Ling Xiao also be gay?”
“…Do you hope he is?”
That question hit straight at my heart. How perceptive did someone have to be to see through me so completely? I felt ashamed.
“Is it selfish of me to think that?”
“Who can truly say they’re selfless?”
“I used to really hope he was. I would’ve been overjoyed. But now… if he really is… I don’t even know whether I’d feel sad or miserable…”
Ling Xiao had been excluded for years because of his brother’s sexuality. He must hate homosexuality deeply. And yet I still hoped he’d turn out to be gay himself. What kind of person did that make me?
“Sad and miserable mean the same thing,” Auntie corrected gently. He understood my rambling, but didn’t say much else. Having a gay best friend like him really wasn’t so bad sometimes.
“I just hope he doesn’t hate gay people,” I said, then laughed bitterly. “But is that even possible…”
“Have you ever met Ling Xiao’s brother?” Auntie asked suddenly.
I shook my head. “I know nothing about him.”
“Don’t be so pessimistic. Maybe it’s true Ling Xiao was excluded, but that doesn’t mean he blames his brother for being gay. Do you understand? That’s how weak people think. Ling Xiao might not think that way at all. Maybe they actually have a good relationship. That would mean he wouldn’t discriminate against gay people. Of course, it still wouldn’t prove he’s gay…”
I thought about it and found it reasonable. But then another thought crushed me again.
“No… I’ve known him so long, and I’ve never seen him call his family. I’ve never seen him contact his brother either…” That didn’t sound like a close relationship. The more I thought about it, the more discouraged I felt. “Maybe the difference between strong and weak people is just something we imagine. Maybe he’s just pretending to be strong.”
The longer I’d known Ling Xiao, the more I felt that way. I could never tell what he was thinking. Maybe I was just stupid. Or maybe he hid himself too well.
This whole thing was driving me crazy. I rubbed my hair in frustration. “I was planning to go with him to see what that underground competition was like. I didn’t expect things to turn out like this…”
Auntie raised an eyebrow over his coffee. “Do you still want to go?”
I did. Even though I’d been cowardly lately, I was still worried about him. Seeing it myself would make me feel better.
“I do,” I said, then waved my hand. “But it’s useless. Ling Xiao would never agree to take me.”
“Why ask Ling Xiao? Ask me.”
I looked up sharply. “You can take me? Wait, isn’t that place membership-only for rich people? Didn’t your gay friend take you?”
“I can borrow his membership card. It doesn’t have a photo. And I’ve been there twice already. They won’t make things difficult. I can even bring a guest~”
I grabbed his hand excitedly. “Auntie, you’re my savior!”
He glanced at me coldly and pulled his hand away. “If you hadn’t mentioned it, I’d almost forgotten. When exactly did you start secretly calling me ‘Auntie,’ huh?”
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Point to Point: The Fencer’s Heart | Chapter 29 | Looking at Him from Afar | Novela.app | Novela.app
