The day had been a rollercoaster of highs and lows. Even after I climbed into bed, sleep eluded me. After tossing and turning for a while, my hands grew restless, and I ended up switching on my phone. I’d been so busy chasing after Ling Xiao the past two days that I’d neglected my Weibo; sure enough, there weren't many notifications. The most recent message was from *Peerless Jerk*.
—*What’s with the radio silence? Playing the coward lately? I heard you lost the internal match to Ling Xiao. Remember to keep your head down and take it like a man~*
Looking at the message, I actually let out a small laugh. *Peerless Jerk* really did have me on his mind; even my actual fans weren't this attentive!
Over on the Tieba forum, someone had also leaked the news that I’d lost to Ling Xiao. Even though it was one in the morning, the thread was still active. However, the atmosphere here was different. People were actually congratulating me, and some were saying that Ling Xiao had a terrible reputation within the team, claiming someone like him wouldn't get far.
I couldn't agree with that. I replied: *Is that so? I think people like him are the ones who go the distance. The strong don't care about the opinions of others.*
Someone immediately shot back: *Heh, I wonder if Ling Xiao actually thinks that. Why don't you go interview him about how he felt when he was being ostracized back in school?*
Dammit, do these people know how to do anything besides dig up the past? How was him being bullied in school his fault? I replied: *Who are you to sound so certain? You were probably one of the people who ostracized him, weren't you? He graduated from a prestigious university, he’s on the national fencing team, and he’s won the National Games and the World Junior Championships. May I ask where you are currently employed?*
The person was clearly stung. *I’m doing just fine, thanks! What’s so great about the national team? Talk to me when he actually wins an Olympic gold!*
Then, another user chimed in: *I remember a thread saying Ling Xiao was bullied in middle school because his older brother is gay. That’s not his fault. Isn't it the fault of the bullies for picking on someone for a reason like that?*
—*That’s true, but having a brother who’s publicly out is pretty embarrassing, isn't it? Otherwise, why would there be rumors about athletes being kicked off the national team for coming out?*
—*I’m not saying anyone in particular is trash, I’m saying all gays are trash.*
—*Doing it in the ass is just disgusting. If you’re going to do it, do it in secret. Coming out publicly like it’s something to be proud of... if I had a brother like that, I’d hate his guts.*
—*Exactly. Especially those fujoshi, always fantasizing about real people. You see them jumping around everywhere, even shipping their own friends. It’s sickening!*
—*Not to be biased, but the gay scene is really messy. It’s all about promiscuity and scumbags. Some people say they don't discriminate, but everyone has their opinions deep down. After all, facts are facts. You can't blame people for looking down on them.*
I hadn't expected the thread to suddenly explode like this in the middle of the night.
I’d never felt that being gay was something to be ashamed of. I didn't fantasize about others, I wasn't a fan of certain fujoshi behaviors, I hadn't even come out yet, and I’d never even been in a relationship, let alone a promiscuous one—yet right now, I felt like my face was burning.
I thought of Ling Xiao, of his brother, and of Auntie. As a "little gay" who hadn't even started his journey yet—no romance, no partners, no coming out—I felt the pressure of mainstream society for the first time. I had thought the world was enlightened, that everyone was like Lao Qi or Big Fatty Gao—people who might be curious about the community but certainly harbored no malice. Yet, that malice from the mainstream still existed. They just kept it hidden, mocking from the shadows.
In all my years, I, Qiao Mai, had never known what it felt like to be truly wronged. If I felt something was unfair, I fought for it; if there was a misunderstanding, I explained it; if I did something wrong, I corrected it. What was there to feel aggrieved about? I never expected that the first time I would taste this bitterness would be over something I couldn't fight for, couldn't explain away, and couldn't change.
In the dead silence of the night, a crack opened in my heart, and everything came pouring out.
*Invincible Under Heaven*: I don't think I’ve ever mentioned this in this sub, and I didn't want to, but now I feel like I have to. After all, it’s only today that I realized I’ve been hiding such a "disgusting" truth. I’m gay. I don't know what you guys think reading this, but it probably won't be as painful as what I felt reading your replies.
To those above saying gay people are disgusting, I remember many of you. "A Hug"—I remember when you first started saber fencing and were a total newbie. You posted a question that no one answered, and it sank to the next page by noon. I was the one who bumped it and gave you an answer. And "Blade of Spring and Autumn"—if I recall correctly, you switched from foil to saber and were struggling with the speed. I replied to you at least ten times. And "The Old Driver is Watching You"—you posted a video of the great Yakilev’s matches. I’m a fan of his too, and we had a great time chatting in your thread.
Yes, I’m gay, but I’m also a normal person just like you. I admire Yakilev, I play FIESD, I occasionally play LOL, I never miss a Champions League match, I go to LOTUS concerts, and I listen to Deyun Society cross-talk.
Yes, I know there are promiscuous people and scumbags among gay people. I have friends who have run into scumbags, and at the time, I thought, "Dammit, all gays are scumbags!" But there are also same-sex couples in this world who have stayed together through thick and thin, who have fought for the right to be together openly, and who have stayed by each other's side until old age. I love *Brokeback Mountain* and *Mulholland Drive*. I believe such films are made because those feelings truly exist. If you negate an entire group because of the scumbags, will you affirm the entire group because of the beautiful people? Actually, there’s no need for that. Just believe that the world is a mix of black and white—there is good and bad, ugly and beautiful. Just believe the world isn't entirely dark.
The reason I care so much about Ling Xiao’s situation is that I have a friend in real life who went through something similar. Because a family member came out, he was gossiped about, ostracized, and given the cold shoulder. I treasure this friend, and my heart aches for him even more. He doesn't know I’m gay yet because I’m afraid to tell him. I’m afraid that because of the bullying and cold treatment he faced, he might discriminate against or hate gay people. I’m afraid of losing this friend.
Maybe everyone has lost a friend—because of differing paths, because of time and distance, or because of the lure of self-interest. But is there anyone like me, afraid of losing a friend because of someone else's discrimination and prejudice? I haven't done anything wrong. Why should I have to lose him?
By the time I finished posting, it was nearly two in the morning. I regretted it. Looking at the glowing phone screen, my eyes felt hot and swollen. Since confirming my orientation, I’d lived a carefree and honest life thanks to the kindness of those around me. But now that I’d witnessed the malice of others, could I still be so carefree? Could I still be so honest?
I thought about just closing the app and never coming back, yet a part of me hoped to see someone understand—not the "understanding" of a fujoshi, but a simple word of understanding from a normal person. Even just a "mwah."
With a mix of despair and hope, I refreshed the page. Sure enough, after my ill-timed long-winded speech, there was only a long silence and a single reply. It was from *Windless*.
*Windless*: If he is worth being your friend, you won't lose him.
A mere line of text, yet it felt as heavy as a thousand pounds, instantly filling the void of my unmet expectations. I imagined that the real-life *Windless* must be someone with an incredibly strong heart to support me alone, regardless of what others said. Pressing the phone to my chest, I felt as if I could sense the concern from the person on the other side of the screen. That seemed to be enough.
I knew I couldn't change anything. I also detested those promiscuous scumbags and hated being represented by them, but I couldn't change them. I could only be the best version of myself. Looking at *Windless’s* reply, I silently vowed to myself: in this life, I will never be promiscuous, never be unfaithful, never enter a fraudulent marriage, and never associate with the filthy and ugly people in this circle.
For the person I love, I must become the best person in the world. Only then will I be worthy of the courage he shows by deciding to be with me.
***
Early the next morning, I got out of bed filled with positive energy, intending to run three or five laps to shake off the gloom. As I stepped out of the dormitory, I saw Ling Xiao standing downstairs.
"Ah, what a coincidence!"
"It’s not a coincidence," Ling Xiao said, wearing a white T-shirt and jeans, looking up at me from the bottom of the steps. "I was waiting for you."
***
We ran three large laps around the track without saying a word. When we finished, I plopped down on the steps, my legs stretched out like two dead fish. I’d given it my all during the run, and now, as I breathed deeply, my chest felt clear. All the "trashy" emotions had been swept away, leaving me feeling invigorated.
Ling Xiao’s shadow fell over me as he handed me a bottle of water.
"Thanks!" I took it, twisted it open, and drank.
Ling Xiao sat down beside me, watching as I downed a third of it in one go. When I set the bottle down, I realized his hands were empty. "You didn't buy water for yourself?"
He didn't say anything. He took the mineral water from my hand, took a sip himself, then looked down as he twisted the cap back on. His cool voice was as calm as ever. "One bottle is enough for two people. No need to buy two."
"Yeah, true." I nodded with a smile, but internally I thought: *Too bad you don't know my feelings. If you did, you wouldn't say that.*
The base was empty and silent in the early morning. The sun hadn't risen yet, and the sky was a pale, cold blue. This atmosphere felt like Ling Xiao’s home turf, possessing a mysterious, deep-sea-like gravity. My joys and sorrows were entirely under this man's control at this moment. We sat on the steps by the track, neither of us speaking. I obviously had things on my mind, but I felt like he did too.
"Qiao Mai," Ling Xiao said after a moment, "I thought about it yesterday. I shouldn't have told you it had nothing to do with you."
I was a bit surprised. "...Actually, you weren't wrong. Friends don't need to know everything."
*I have secrets I don't want you to know, too...*
"That depends on what kind of friend," Ling Xiao said. "Whether it’s the kind of friend who wants to know nothing, or the kind who wants to know everything."
As for you, I naturally wanted to be the kind of friend who knew everything. I even wanted to tell you everything about myself, including the secrets you didn't know.
Ling Xiao’s eyes were on me. I think my expression must have been too honest; he didn't even need me to respond. "The kind of friend who knows everything... I thought about it, and if it’s you, I don't mind."
My jaw dropped. I thought I’d misheard. He said he didn't mind? It had only been one night! And he even said "if it’s you"—I could live off the excitement of those words for a long time.
"If there’s anything you want to ask, go ahead."
"...I have a lot of things I want to ask," I said, my voice trembling slightly. "Like what you like to eat, what you don't like, what your hobbies are... there’s so much. Including... what the friction is between you and Li Rui. But I’ve changed my mind now. Asking you directly is no fun. I want to learn those things slowly over time. Right now, I only have one question I really want the answer to. If... if you could answer it, that would be great."
Ling Xiao smiled faintly. "Ask."
I was still a bit worried. "If you don't want to answer, just pretend I never asked, okay?"
"I’ll just assume you’re drunk."
Alright, it was time to ask. The matter of Ling Xiao’s brother had become a knot in my heart; it was all or nothing. I cleared my throat. "I usually hang out on a Tieba forum called 'Fencing Enthusiasts'... uh, this is context, it’s related to what I’m about to say."
Ling Xiao nodded patiently. "Mm. It sounds like a long story. Take your time."
"Recently, there was a thread on that forum where people said some things about you," I said, carefully watching his reaction. "They said you were ostracized in school because of your brother... because he publicly came out..."
Ling Xiao showed no expression after hearing this, but then again, he never wore his heart on his sleeve. I had no idea if his mind was in turmoil. On the surface, I was asking about the incident, but I was actually trying to gauge his relationship with his brother.
After a period of agonizing silence, Ling Xiao said calmly, "That part is true."
"...Do you blame your brother?" My heart pounded as I asked. I’d never seen Ling Xiao on the phone with his family, nor had anyone come to visit him. The answer to this question was very likely "yes."
Ling Xiao lowered his legs from the steps and shifted into a more comfortable sitting position. "From elementary school to middle school, from middle school to high school, and later in university, it was always like this. When I was a kid, people thought I was boring. When I grew up, they thought I was aloof. No one liked associating with me, so whether they ostracized me or not made no difference to me. I didn't feel sad at all. Later, because of my brother, people gossiped behind my back and gave me the cold shoulder. In reality, it was just that the people who already disliked me finally found a reason to attack me. Once I realized that, there was even less reason to be sad."
I thought, *Really?* This man's heart wasn't made of stone or impenetrable armor. I knew better than anyone that he was a "pseudo-iceberg." Maybe he was just putting on a brave face.
"...What kind of 'cold shoulder' did you experience?"
Ling Xiao leaned forward, thinking. "For example, carving words into my desk, putting disgusting 'gay' love letters in my textbooks. If we had to pair up for a class project, if I was paired with a girl, she’d be mocked as a 'gay bestie.' If it was a boy, he’d be told to watch out so he wouldn't 'catch it.' Over time, no one wanted to be in a group with me. That was about it, really. It was nothing."
How could that be "nothing"?! If anyone dared to carve "faggot" into my desk, I’d definitely hunt them down for a duel! No one wanting to be in a group with you—how could that be "nothing"?!
"Qiao Mai, I’ve been competitive since I was a child. After my brother came out, I remained rank one in the school. If the way those people looked at me had any effect, it only made me want to become stronger." Though his tone was firm, Ling Xiao spoke calmly. "They were outsiders, after all. I’m not so fragile that I would blame my brother because of those outsiders. Even if my brother hadn't come out, would they have suddenly loved me? But even though he came out, he is still my favorite brother."
I stared at his profile, my heart thumping.
Ling Xiao looked at me, the breeze stirring his bangs. The look in his eyes was as soft as the morning wind. "Does that answer satisfy you?"
—*But even though he came out, he is still my favorite brother.*
It wasn't just "satisfying"... Looking at his face so close to mine, I desperately wanted to grab him and give him a big smack of a kiss. *God, how can you be so handsome?!* I was practically ready to kneel before this "toughened steel turned into soft silk" level of cool.
It wasn't just satisfaction; it was salvation. You just saved my entire universe!
***
| Chinese | English | Notes/Explanation |
| :--- | :--- | :--- |
| 贱绝天下 | Peerless Jerk | A snarky internet handle (lit. "Cheapest/Most Despicable Under Heaven"). |
| 屁股朝北 | Take it like a man / Face down | Slang for accepting defeat or being in a submissive position. |
| 击剑爱好者 | Fencing Enthusiasts | The name of the Tieba forum. |
| 独孤求败 | Invincible Under Heaven | Qiao Mai's forum handle (lit. "Lonely Seeking Defeat"). |
| 一个拥抱 | A Hug | A forum user's handle. |
| 刀剑春秋 | Blade of Spring and Autumn | A forum user's handle. |
| 老司机在看你 | The Old Driver is Watching You | A forum user's handle; "Old Driver" is slang for an experienced person/internet veteran. |
| 亚基列夫 | Yakilev | A fictional legendary fencer. |
| 无风 | Windless | A forum user's handle. |
| 么么哒 | Mwah / Muah | A cute, affectionate internet slang for a kiss. |
| 伪冰山 | Pseudo-iceberg | Someone who acts cold/stoic but is actually warm or emotional inside. |
| 百炼钢化绕指柔 | Toughened steel turned into soft silk | Idiom: A strong, stubborn person becoming gentle/tender. |
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Point to Point: The Fencer’s Heart | Chapter 37 | A Heartfelt Confession | Novela.app | Novela.app
