When Pei Cangyu returned home, his grandmother wasn't there, and the lights were off.
He had hesitated for a moment about whether to return to school for evening self-study, but since he had already walked all the way back—and self-study was nearly over anyway—he pushed the door open and stepped inside.
In the pitch-black room, a man sat by the table drinking. He glanced up at Pei Cangyu, who was changing his shoes at the door, but said nothing, merely popping a peanut into his mouth.
The sound of chewing was jarringly loud in the darkness, giving Pei Cangyu a start. He nearly hurled the shoes in his hand at the figure, only realizing it was his father once his eyes adjusted to the moonlight.
If he didn't make a conscious effort to remember, Pei Cangyu almost forgot that his father was back.
Pei Cangyu stood awkwardly at the door for a moment before reaching for the light switch, raising his voice. "Have you eaten? Where’s Grandma?"
"Out for a walk," the man’s voice was low and raspy. "Don't turn on the light. Come here."
Pei Cangyu’s hand found the switch, but he didn't press it. He walked over.
His father wore a thin shirt with the sleeves rolled up. On his wheat-colored arm was a lizard tattoo; the tail ended on the back of his hand, where a flower in full bloom was inked. Pei Cangyu stared at it for a while.
Pei Yueshan noticed his gaze and lifted his hand. "Looking at this?"
Pei Cangyu said nothing.
Pei Yueshan was drinking a bottle of baijiu from a small cup, accompanied by a plate of peanuts. He poured another glass and looked up at Pei Cangyu. "Want a sip?"
Pei Cangyu thought about it, then shook his head.
Pei Yueshan glanced at the clock on the wall. "School's out?"
Pei Cangyu nodded repeatedly.
Pei Yueshan reached for a pack of cigarettes, squeezing the empty plastic wrapper until it crackled. He clicked his tongue, stretched out a leg, and reached into his trouser pocket for money. "Pei Cangyu, go buy me a pack."
Pei Cangyu reached out to take the money and asked casually, "Hunsha? It’s not as harsh."
The moment the words left his mouth, he knew he’d blown it. All his previous efforts to act like a good student who didn't smoke or drink were for naught.
Sure enough, Pei Yueshan gave him a meaningful look, but then turned back to his drink. "Sure."
Pei Cangyu hurried out.
He walked briskly through the wind, feeling light on his feet. To be honest, he was a little happy. He had never experienced this kind of "going to buy cigarettes for Dad" family activity before; he had only ever "bought vinegar for Grandma." The money clutched in his hand had been given to him by his father, and it gave him an indescribable sense of joy.
No wonder everyone loved their parents, Pei Cangyu thought. There was no rational reason for it.
Even though Pei Cangyu always felt awkward facing his father and never knew what to say, it didn't stop him from feeling good just seeing him, or from instinctively wanting to be close to him.
He ran back quickly. His father had just finished a glass of liquor and looked slightly surprised. "That was fast."
Pei Cangyu suppressed his heavy breathing and said nonchalantly, "It was alright."
Then, standing by the door, he tossed the pack to his old man. He wasn't sure why, but he just wanted to try it.
Pei Yueshan hadn't expected the toss, but his reflexes were sharp. He caught it, pulled out a cigarette, and lit it as he sat back down. He used an old-fashioned lighter; his thumb spun the flint wheel with a series of sharp clicks. The sparks illuminated his face in fits and starts until a yellow flame flared up. Pei Yueshan leaned into the light with the cigarette between his lips, catching the end on fire.
From this angle, Pei Cangyu could see the scar at the corner of his father's eye.
Pei Yueshan extinguished the flame and gestured for Pei Cangyu to come over. Pei Cangyu obeyed.
Pei Yueshan patted a stool, signaling for him to sit, and Pei Cangyu sat.
"What grade are you in?" Pei Yueshan flicked some ash.
"Ninth grade."
Pei Yueshan rubbed his chin wistfully and sighed. "It's been so many years..."
A faint smile touched his lips. Keeping the cigarette in his mouth, he freed his hands to gesture. "When you were born, you were only this big. Just a tiny thing. But you didn't cry much. Man, you really didn't cry. When I first held you, my hands were shaking and I dropped you on the bed. Your face crumpled up, and I thought you were going to wail..." He took the cigarette out and tapped the ash. "But as soon as I got close, your face smoothed out. You just lay there on the bed, so small, with your round face. I gave you a kiss."
Pei Cangyu stared at Pei Yueshan, then lowered his head.
Pei Yueshan smoked quickly. He took the butt out and crushed it in the ashtray, then stood up, rolling his neck until the bones popped. He looked down at Pei Cangyu for a moment before wandering aimlessly around the room.
He stopped by the old record player and fiddled with it. "It's still here..."
Pei Cangyu got nervous whenever someone touched the record player. He rushed forward to move his father's thick hand away from the delicate needle. "Don't mess with it. This thing is fragile."
Pei Yueshan shook his head. "You really aren't like me at all."
Pei Cangyu froze, then pursed his lips, his voice low. "You were gone... how could I be like you?"
Pei Yueshan turned to look at him. Pei Cangyu didn't look up.
"I'm going to do my homework then." Pei Cangyu cleared his throat and turned to find his schoolbag.
Pei Yueshan found some old cassette tapes and opened the tape deck with interest, continuing the conversation. "Do you know what this is? Your generation probably hasn't seen these, right?"
Seeing this, Pei Cangyu didn't leave. "Who says? I used tapes when I was a kid to learn English."
Pei Yueshan looked through the collection carefully. "There are quite a few. They've been maintained well."
Pei Cangyu said indignantly, "Yeah, Grandma makes me wipe them down all the time."
Pei Yueshan selected one from the middle, crouched down, inserted it into the player at the bottom of the cabinet, and pressed play.
Pei Cangyu crouched down beside him.
It was an English song.
"Papa was a rodeo," the version by The Magnetic Fields.
Pei Cangyu asked, "What's this song called?"
His father turned his head. "I forgot."
Then Pei Yueshan stood up, leaning his arm against the bookshelf as he looked down at Pei Cangyu. "Can you dance? Do they teach it at school?"
"What kind of dance? Does the Bunny Dance count?" Pei Cangyu stood up as well. "Sometimes we do that during the break if we aren't doing calisthenics."
Pei Yueshan chuckled and turned up the volume. "Don't you have balls? School dances?"
"Balls? That's a bit too high-brow, isn't it?" Pei Cangyu clicked his tongue.
Pei Yueshan turned to him. "I'll teach you."
"Huh? How?"
"The way I taught your mother." Pei Yueshan took his hand and pulled him forward. "You can step on my feet."
Pei Cangyu was stunned and hesitated. He didn't want to brush off his father's gesture, but he felt reluctant. After a brief struggle, he finally stepped onto Pei Yueshan's feet.
Pei Yueshan lifted his feet slightly. Pei Cangyu wobbled and quickly grabbed his father's arm.
Pei Yueshan steadied him. "You aren't very heavy."
Pei Cangyu hopped down. "Forget it. This is too awkward."
"Then," Pei Yueshan turned off the music, "what do you want me to do with you?"
Pei Cangyu blinked, looking at his father again. He realized this might be his father's attempt at bonding, so he thought about it seriously. "Then... how about arm wrestling?"
"Alright."
Pei Yueshan walked to the table and swept the plate and liquor aside. "Come on."
"Heh heh." Pei Cangyu rolled up his sleeves and sat astride the chair. "Let's agree: one round, winner takes all."
Pei Cangyu set his arm on the table. Pei Yueshan revealed his tattooed arm as well. To be honest, seeing the muscle definition in his father's forearm, Pei Cangyu figured he was going to lose this round.
Pei Yueshan gripped his hand. Pei Cangyu felt a surge of heat from his father's palm and noticed the massive difference in the size of their hands.
"Ready?" Pei Yueshan looked up at him.
Pei Cangyu thought, *Ready or not, it's the same, isn't it?* But he nodded stubbornly, tensing his arm and gritting his teeth, prepared for a struggle—
And he lost in a single second.
Pei Cangyu: "..."
Pei Yueshan took a sip of his liquor and handed the remaining half-cup to Pei Cangyu. This time, Pei Cangyu took it.
"Go do your homework." Pei Yueshan grabbed another handful of peanuts.
"Huh?"
"Didn't you just say you had homework?"
"Oh, right, right." Pei Cangyu stood up. "Almost forgot..."
He grabbed his bag and went back to his room, stealing another glance at his father. Pei Yueshan was leaning one arm on the table, picking through the peanuts in the dish with the other, looking somewhat despondent.
Even though both Pei Yueshan and Pei Cangyu were trying to close the distance between them, for some reason, the effect wasn't very obvious. Perhaps it was because of Pei Yueshan’s perpetually tense expression, or perhaps because Pei Cangyu always felt a slight urge to hide.
In short, fitting in here was not an easy task for either of them.
Pei Cangyu thought he should have a little more patience with his father.
He closed the door and suddenly realized there was still only one bed.
He pulled the door back open and asked after a moment’s thought, "Um, wasn't a new bed bought?"
Pei Yueshan didn't even look up; he just shook his head slightly. "Why bother? This is fine."
Pei Cangyu didn't know what to say, so he scratched his head and closed the door.
