Time passed quickly, and the novelty of his father’s return soon wore off. One reason was that adults always need a job. Over the course of that month, Pei Cangyu witnessed his father step out of the house time and again, only to return in a state of dejection. The unlit room he had seen that first day soon became the norm.
In all fairness, Grandma never pressured Pei Yueshan to find work, and Pei Cangyu had even less of a sense for such things. Yet, every time Pei Yueshan went out, he seemed to return with an added layer of despondency. This "layer" wasn't just an added shadow; it was more like a layer of calm skin was being peeled away. Much of his self-deceiving peace was gradually vanishing into thin air.
Pei Yueshan grew increasingly silent. He no longer had the heart to try and build a relationship with his son. He would often sit at the table with a furrowed brow, a bottle of beer, and a small side dish, sitting there gloomily as if lost in thought.
Grandma, meanwhile, had actually started taking on small inspection jobs in the community to earn a few hundred yuan in pocket money. She always made sure to take off her inspector’s badge the moment she stepped through the door. Pei Cangyu noticed this, and it left him with a complicated feeling. It turned out that after the warm drama of a family reunion, people still had to face so many embarrassing hardships that were difficult to speak of.
One day, Pei Yueshan tore down all his old academic awards from the walls of his room. He crumpled them into waste paper, ripped them into shreds, and tossed them carelessly onto the floor, scattering them everywhere.
Pei Cangyu was the first to return home. When he saw the mess, his heart skipped a beat. He knelt down to pick them up, gathering the scraps together, feeling an immense ache in his heart. He wondered if they could still be taped back together.
Pei Yueshan set down his beer and walked over. He stepped directly onto Pei Cangyu’s hand and leaned down. "Let go."
Pei Cangyu gripped the paper tightly, refusing to release it. He looked back in anger. "No! These belong to Grandma, not you."
Pei Yueshan pulled his foot back and crouched down. "Can't you read? Isn't my name written on these?"
Pei Cangyu stubbornly tightened his grip on the waste paper. "They aren't yours. They're Grandma's."
Pei Yueshan watched him for a moment, then stopped talking. He stood up, unzipped his fly, and began to urinate directly onto the scraps of his awards scattered across the floor.
Pei Cangyu was stunned.
The urine hit the floor, splashing up and nearly hitting Pei Cangyu. Startled, he scrambled backward with a clatter, then flipped over and stood up abruptly. Beside himself with rage, he even cursed at his own old man. "What the fuck are you doing?!"
Pei Yueshan finished, shook himself off, and zipped up. He kicked the wet scraps on the floor. "Sweep it up." With that, he turned and left the room.
Pei Cangyu clutched the dry scraps in his hand, looking at the muddy mess on the floor, trembling with rage.
But there was nothing he could do. He had to sweep away the debris and mop the floor several times before Grandma got back. Every time he passed the living room to rinse the mop and saw his old man drinking, he glared at him fiercely. But Pei Yueshan didn't react at all, not even glancing his way.
Pei Cangyu cursed as he mopped, thinking that prison truly ruined people. No wonder his grandmother was always lecturing him to study hard. Fortunately, he had realized long ago through various street fights that his current path had no future and had resolved not to engage in such high-risk careers. Otherwise, he would eventually end up like his old man...
Pei Cangyu rinsed the mop resentfully and went to cook. He didn't plan on making anything for his dad today. Even if Grandma scolded him, he didn't care. If it came to it, they’d just fight. As the saying goes, grown sons hit their fathers... there should be a saying like that, anyway... that was the sentiment.
Because he was suppressing his anger, his movements were particularly forceful. Even washing a dish sounded like he was trying to smash it, creating a series of clangs and clatters in the kitchen.
He was washing celery, viciously snapping the stalks, when he saw his old man shuffle into the kitchen and stand at the door for a moment. The force with which Pei Cangyu snapped the celery made it look like he was pulling out his father's hair, one strand at a time, without mercy.
Then, he threw the cleaned celery into a dish, nearly knocking the plate over.
Pei Yueshan caught the plate before it could fall and set it back on the counter. "Why are you smashing things?"
Pei Cangyu didn't even look at him. He walked straight past him, bumping into the man. Although Pei Cangyu nearly stumbled himself due to the difference in their builds, as long as he could make his old man wobble a bit, he considered it a success.
Pei Yueshan took a step back, crossed his arms, and watched Pei Cangyu skillfully light the stove to heat the wok, oil canister in hand, ready to pour.
Perhaps he was too angry, but Pei Cangyu threw the celery in almost as soon as he added the oil. The water-laden celery exploded in the hot oil like a bomb. Pei Cangyu scrambled to find the lid, his forearm getting nipped by a stray drop of oil. He flinched.
Immediately after, he felt someone grab him by the back of his collar and pull him away. The man then stepped forward and began to stir the vegetables with the spatula. The splashing oil hit his skin, but he didn't seem affected at all.
Without turning his head, Pei Yueshan said, "Get out."
Pei Cangyu stood there for a while, looking at his father’s tall back, and suddenly his anger vanished.
He thought to himself that his old man had just gotten out of prison and things weren't going well with the job hunt. It was normal for him to be a bit frustrated. Plus, seeing the excellence of his own youth probably made him feel even more unbalanced. It was perfectly normal, completely understandable.
Sigh, his old man was the one who was truly pitiable. He had made a mistake in his youth and came out middle-aged. His best years had been wasted in prison; it was truly a lamentable thing.
Pei Cangyu found many reasons to sympathize with him and managed to convince himself. Especially looking at his father's back—a back he had never had to look up to while growing up, a place he had never been able to hide behind—he had to admit that even if he didn't need it for survival, he still wanted a father. And if possible, a mother too.
But one couldn't be too greedy.
Pei Cangyu stood in a daze for a moment, then walked out.
His dad was in the kitchen, cooking.
Today, Grandma had inspected three residential compounds to see if the trash was being disposed of properly. This job required the elderly woman to visit every trash can and collection station in the neighborhoods. When she returned today, she carried that scent with her.
But the moment she saw the silhouette in the kitchen, her tired and cautious face broke into a smile. She looked at Pei Cangyu in surprise, as if asking a question. Pei Cangyu gave a forced smile in response.
This alone would keep Grandma happy for at least a week.
Pei Cangyu looked at that silhouette again, feeling that this back was truly burdened with too much projected energy.
Pei Yueshan remained like this, his state fluctuating between good and bad, though mostly bad.
***
"What's bothering you?" Bai Shi asked him.
Pei Cangyu started, lifting his head from where it had been resting on his arms. "What?"
Bai Shi smiled. "You sighed nineteen times during the last class."
Pei Cangyu felt a bit embarrassed. "I was actually listening to the lecture for a bit." Then he realized something. "Why were you counting that?"
Bai Shi maintained his smile. "Because it was very loud."
"Did I disturb you?" Pei Cangyu’s voice dropped, sounding a bit apologetic.
"No."
"Then it’s none of your damn business." Hearing that he hadn't disturbed the star student's studies, Pei Cangyu immediately became emboldened.
Bai Shi hesitated for a moment. "Actually, it was a little noisy..."
Pei Cangyu laughed and stepped on the crossbar of Bai Shi’s stool. "Keep talking, keep making things up. Let's see what else you can come up with."
The crossbar he stepped on was on the side, and Bai Shi happened to have one leg on the front crossbar. Consequently, Pei Cangyu’s knee pressed against the side of Bai Shi’s calf. As Pei Cangyu laughed and shook his leg, his knee rubbed back and forth against Bai Shi’s leg. Bai Shi looked down at Pei Cangyu’s knee, barely hearing what he was saying.
Pei Cangyu slapped him on the shoulder. "Why are you spacing out? Someone’s looking for you outside."
Bai Shi followed Pei Cangyu’s gaze and saw Lu Mingban standing at the back door.
Pei Cangyu watched for a moment before it clicked. "Hey, hey, isn't that the one who used to write you..." He suddenly cut himself off, looked around to make sure no one was listening, then leaned in and whispered into Bai Shi’s ear, "...those love letters?"
As he spoke, he winked triumphantly with a "see how loyal I am" expression.
If it were the old Bai Shi, he would have had to say something to shut down the overly cheerful Pei Cangyu. But the new Bai Shi couldn't do that. He smiled, said nothing, and stood up to walk toward the back.
Pei Cangyu had expected Bai Shi to say something. At the very least, shouldn't he mention when they became so close? They were already visiting each other's classrooms? Was he close with *him*?
He watched Bai Shi walk over to Lu Mingban, and the two of them headed down the hallway together. Some girls nearby were gossiping about them, and besides Bai Shi, they were even talking about Lu Mingban.
Pei Cangyu thought about it blankly. It seemed they were right. Lu Mingban seemed to have... changed a bit. How to put it? He didn't look so sleazy anymore, and he seemed to be even a bit taller than Bai Shi...
The girls' discussion grew even more generous with praise. Pei Cangyu felt it was a bit much; after all, there was still a significant gap between Lu Mingban and Bai Shi...
Then the girls suddenly said, "...that pair would be quite easy on the eyes..."
Pei Cangyu suddenly turned to look at them. He and the two girls stared at each other in a mutual daze for a few seconds before the girls burst out laughing. One of them tossed an eraser at him. "What are you looking at all of a sudden? You gave me a fright."
Pei Cangyu clumsily caught it, stood up, and returned it. The girl looked at him with a smile and nudged his arm. "What's with you? Do you know Lu Mingban?"
Pei Cangyu thought for a moment and shook his head. "I've seen him."
The girls laughed, saying Lu Mingban was doing well lately, that he knew how to dress now, and that Pei Cangyu should learn from him.
A surge of irritation rose in Pei Cangyu. "What should I learn? He’s dressing up because—"
He bit back the word "gay" just as it was about to slip out and swallowed hard.
The girls grew interested. "Because of what? Because of what? I knew you guys must know more about each other... Does he have a girlfriend? I heard he has a much older girlfriend..."
Pei Cangyu thought, *Where did that come from?* He didn't know anything about that. But the girls kept pressing him. Pei Cangyu gritted his teeth. "Because he’s handsome, alright?"
The girls' expressions were a sight to behold—a mix of confusion, curiosity, disdain, and a hint of excitement. "I didn't think boys would call other boys handsome."
Pei Cangyu nodded. "Of course. There’s still a certain gap compared to me."
The girls laughed and patted him. Feiji just walked in and, seeing Pei Cangyu talking to the girls, happily joined them. "What are we talking about? Count me in..."
Pei Cangyu pushed him away, slinging an arm around his shoulder as they walked back. "We're talking about the monthly exams. Do you understand those?"
Feiji punched Pei Cangyu in the chest. "That’s cold, brother. Sneaking off to talk to girls without me..."
Bai Shi didn't return until class started. Pei Cangyu lifted his head from the desk and, while packing his books, asked as casually as possible, "Hey, where did you go? You were gone for so long."
Bai Shi turned to look at him. Pei Cangyu’s face still had the marks from sleeping on it; half his face was red from being pressed down, and a tuft of hair was sticking up. He was pointlessly stacking and restacking three books, trying to look nonchalant while constantly stealing glances.
Bai Shi looked at him, resting his chin on his hand. "He lent me some gay movies."
Pei Cangyu choked on his own breath and turned away, coughing for a long time, even causing the class to pause for a moment.
Bai Shi reached out to pat his back, but Pei Cangyu instinctively dodged. Bai Shi’s hand froze in mid-air.
Seeing this, Pei Cangyu frantically ran a hand through his hair. "Hey, hey, I didn't mean it like that. I was just afraid you’d hit too hard..."
Bai Shi lowered his head, his long eyelashes fluttering as he nodded submissively, offering a bitter, pitiful smile.
Pei Cangyu sighed. "Fine, just pat me then, go ahead..."
He turned his back to Bai Shi, covering his forehead in sheer annoyance. Bai Shi was too much trouble. He was trouble when he wasn't gay, and he was just as much trouble now. It was clear that being a troublesome person had nothing to do with whether one was gay or not. He was just a troublesome person, or perhaps a troublesome gay person.
Bai Shi patted him. "He came to borrow my homework."
"Huh? Oh." Pei Cangyu turned back. "Finished patting?"
"What else?"
"I thought you’d definitely take the chance to get back at me." Pei Cangyu squinted at him. "You’re a very vengeful guy. I’ve seen through you."
Bai Shi smiled. "I’ve changed. Really."
***
When Pei Cangyu went home today, he was actually in a pretty good mood.
But his dad, it seemed, had had another unsuccessful day.
The lights weren't on.
When he entered, Pei Yueshan told him not to turn them on.
Pei Cangyu hesitated, gritted his teeth, and decided to turn them on anyway. If he didn't, it would always be dark.
But the switch was broken.
Pei Yueshan beckoned to him. Pei Cangyu stood there for a moment, then walked over.
He sat down, and Pei Yueshan poured him a glass of liquor, just like before.
Today, Pei Yueshan looked even more haggard. He was wearing a tank top, which made the bulging muscles on his back more prominent, and the scars on them even more shocking. Moreover, Pei Yueshan was coughing incessantly.
Pei Cangyu pressed down on his glass. "Maybe you should drink some water instead."
Pei Yueshan pulled the glass out from under Pei Cangyu’s hand. "It’s not about that." He glanced at the sky outside. "It’s the weather."
"What?"
"I can't stand cloudy days. My lungs ache." Pei Yueshan clenched his fists, his knuckles cracking. Outside, the sky grew darker, a storm brewing.
Pei Cangyu asked cautiously, "Why?"
Pei Yueshan suddenly looked up and met his eyes, his voice deep. "Why? Why else?"
At that moment, Pei Cangyu felt a sudden surge of fear. It was that same intense sense of strangeness and suppressed violence he had felt when he first saw Pei Yueshan—like a hurricane trying to squeeze into an ordinary home. The problem was, their home was too small to contain a hurricane.
Pei Yueshan licked his lips, staring intently at Pei Cangyu. "Do you know what kind of work we did?"
Pei Cangyu couldn't look away. He swallowed hard.
Pei Yueshan grabbed his hand. Even his palms were covered in calluses, nearly scraping Pei Cangyu’s skin.
"Grinding lime boards. I did that for three years. They say you get silicosis from it—the foreman back then got it. But so what if he did? He couldn't work anymore, but he got a monthly allowance, enough to support a family of three. What about us? The ones doing the work get no compensation. Dammit, they don't treat us like humans." Pei Yueshan spat on the floor. "They’re all fucking useless, acting like they’re so high and mighty. Every single one of them is trash. There was a guy who got sick, went back and forth three times, and didn't he still end up dying out there? It’s no use. It’s the same whether you’re inside or out. Dammit, my bad luck started the moment I met your mother."
Pei Yueshan pinched Pei Cangyu’s chin. "That bitch ran fast. What was she anyway? Her family had a bit of money, but she was stupid as hell, couldn't do anything. She was bullied by other girls all day, looked down upon. I lent her a pen once, and she followed me around every day, wanting to give me this and that. Dammit, on her birthday she insisted I sleep with her, crying and carrying on, saying she had nothing. Then she said she wanted to keep the baby, said she wanted to elope, said she wanted to get married. I’m the one who was crazy. I actually believed her. I should have done what they said and let her get an abortion. Then I’d still be a star student, and she’d have gone back to being a rich young lady."
Pei Yueshan lightly patted Pei Cangyu’s face. "Only at a time like this do you realize that rich people don't have to pay much for their mistakes. She still had a place to go, back to her life. We don't. We don't have the chance to make mistakes. We can't afford the price."
Pei Yueshan wiped the redness from the corners of Pei Cangyu’s eyes. "Don't cry, Pei Cangyu. Think about it carefully—she really is a bitch. Calling her that is being gentle. Have you ever fantasized, even once, that your mother would come to see you, or even ask about you?"
Pei Cangyu’s mind went blank.
"But you don't need to think about it. You should know that there are just people like that in the world. She was just selfish, that’s all. She calls it being 'smart.' But Pei Cangyu, do you think that’s smart? Think about your life as an orphan and try to praise her by saying 'every man for himself.' Can you say it?"
Pei Cangyu stood up to leave, but his father grabbed his shoulder and yanked him back, pinning him to the chair. "Why don't you blame her? You should blame her. Don't be so foolish as to think all parents love their children." He stood up, looking down at Pei Cangyu. "Your mother is a despicable person. She’s despicable in character. It has nothing to do with gender, nothing to do with age, nothing to do with you, and nothing to do with me. She could sleep with anyone, have a child, talk about love and responsibility, but then turn around and run a thousand miles away so you could never find her."
Pei Cangyu lowered his head, not wanting to hear it, struggling to stand up. Pei Yueshan sighed.
Pei Cangyu struggled even harder. He kicked and punched, roaring for Pei Yueshan to let him go. With red eyes, he pushed Pei Yueshan away. He didn't want to know any of this. He had made it this far without a father or a mother; why teach him how to love and hate now? A person could survive without seeing things so clearly. Why go looking for misery?
He wanted to go back to his room.
He thrashed about, but he couldn't escape Pei Yueshan’s grip. Pei Yueshan just watched him. After a while, he pulled Pei Cangyu’s head into his chest, stroking the back of his head, gently soothing him. "Alright, alright... there now..."
Pei Cangyu was exhausted. His eyes were red, his teeth gritted. He said nothing, stubbornly pushing against Pei Yueshan’s abdomen with all his might, but he couldn't budge him.
Pei Yueshan stroked his head. "I know. I won't talk about her anymore..."
Pei Cangyu’s struggling slowly died down. He gasped for air, his eyes dry. He felt a wronged urge to cry, but he couldn't remember ever crying. Even now, his eyes were only rimmed with red, like a small, burnt-out beast.
Pei Yueshan looked down at the whorl of hair on his head. "How could anyone not want you?"
Pei Cangyu kept his head down, letting Pei Yueshan hold him. He felt the world spinning. He smelled the scent of alcohol on Pei Yueshan, mixed strangely with the fragrance on his clothes.
***
