Su Jingming thought to himself that if he had managed to restrain himself that day and hadn't replied to Wen Yan, and if Wen Yan hadn't come looking for him, perhaps their ending would be different now.
In the end, he simply couldn't help it.
As Su Jingming’s thoughts drifted further, he stood before the entrance of the hotpot restaurant they had agreed upon, failing to notice the light rain beginning to fall from the sky. Wen Yan arrived in a hurry and saw Su Jingming standing dazed in the rain. He strode forward, holding an umbrella, his breath slightly uneven. "What are you doing standing here?" he asked gently. "Trying to clear your head?"
Su Jingming snapped back to reality, the tip of his nose flushed red from the cold.
Autumn was coming to an end—the season he used to hate the most.
"Why didn't you go abroad?" Su Jingming asked in a muffled voice, unable to keep the words inside any longer.
A flash of surprise crossed Wen Yan’s eyes before his expression returned to normal. He reached out and ruffled Su Jingming’s hair. "Ren Wei told you, didn't he? Then you should already know the reason."
Only then did Su Jingming realize that, in the end, Wen Yan had followed his own heart. He had fulfilled the blessing Su Jingming had given him all those years ago.
*May everything go as you wish.*
After they finished their meal, the final autumn rain was also drawing to a close.
Wen Yan held the umbrella, walking by Su Jingming’s side. Their fingers were interlaced beneath the canopy, the heat radiating from their palms slowly filling the hollow ache in Su Jingming's heart.
"When do you plan to visit your father?" Wen Yan asked.
Su Jingming’s original plan was to visit Su Qicheng on his second day in Liangcheng, but plans often failed to keep pace with changes. "Tomorrow," he said, pausing for a moment. "You’re coming with me."
Wen Yan was slightly taken aback, then smiled and said, "Alright."
Su Jingming added, "After all, you’re the person I’m going to marry. It wouldn't be right not to introduce you."
Wen Yan pushed back a meeting with a client the next day and accompanied Su Jingming to the largest cemetery in Liangcheng.
Su Jingming felt he was unfilial. Since Su Qicheng’s death, he hadn't come to visit even once. Back then, it was Cheng Hui who had handled all the funeral arrangements.
At that time, he had escaped from it all, leaving everything behind.
He had felt regret, but it was useless. Especially after learning from Cheng Hui that the final trigger had been the sight of him embracing Wen Yan, he felt his sins were unforgivable.
Su Jingming felt he was a very melodramatic person, no matter the circumstance.
A senior from his major had once told him that he was a typical case of low self-esteem—someone who blamed every bad thing on themselves and used escapism to solve every problem.
He claimed to love Tiga, wanting to become Tiga.
But in the end, he didn't even belong to the shadow of the light.
Su Jingming looked at Su Qicheng’s tombstone and stood silently. He placed the liquor and food his father had loved in front of it and lit his favorite brand of cigarette.
His memories of Su Qicheng were limited to these few things.
"I'll wait for you over there," Wen Yan said.
He figured the father and son needed a moment alone.
Su Jingming began to recall the past. The Su Qicheng who had loved him, the Su Qicheng who had beaten and scolded him, and the Su Qicheng who had repented. In this moment, those images magnified in his mind.
"Tch." Su Jingming took a deep breath. "You know, over these past few years, I was terrified of thinking about you. I’m not as brave as you; I’m a coward. When things happen, I just endure or run away. For a while, you appeared in my dreams often. You were always standing far ahead, watching me quietly. Back then, I wondered: in that moment, did you want to love me, or did you want to hit me? Is it despicable of me to think of you like that?"
"I’m not a good person, nor am I a good son. Once a mirror is shattered, no matter how you repair it, the cracks will always remain. But since I’m your son, I accepted all of this willingly. 'Resigned to one's fate'—I understand those words all too well."
"After you left, my mom handled everything personally. I suppose your wish was fulfilled." Su Jingming pursed his lips, falling silent for a moment. "Then why didn't you fulfill my wish? Was it really that hard to just ask one more question back then? Was it so impossible to face the fact that I like men? Choosing that way out... were you trying to get revenge on me, or were you trying to redeem yourself?"
He didn't understand Su Qicheng, just as Su Qicheng hadn't understood Su Jingming’s love for men.
Su Jingming suddenly realized where his habit of escaping problems had been inherited from. He laughed—a loud, harsh laugh that echoed through the silent cemetery.
Then, the laughter stopped abruptly, returning to a dead silence.
Winter in Liangcheng was long and desolate.
By the time Su Jingming came to his senses, tears were already streaming uncontrollably down his face. When the winter wind blew, it brought a bone-chilling pain—a pain so deep it left his heart and body numb, devoid of all sensation. *So, I really am capable of feeling sad for you.*
Perhaps it was because the questions in his heart would never receive an answer, or perhaps it was because the suppression he had built up for years had finally found a release.
He clearly hadn't said anything kind to Su Qicheng, yet he felt a sense of lightness.
He was right; he wasn't a good person, nor a good son.
Every word was a dagger to the heart—that was the real him.
Just like years ago, when he had eaten the sweet and sour pork ribs Su Qicheng made with an expressionless face, only to spitefully tell him that he didn't like them.
The pleasure of revenge?
Su Jingming couldn't feel a bit of it.
"We never really knew how to talk to each other properly when you were alive. See? Even now, I still don't know how to speak properly." Su Jingming sniffled, staring at the photo on the tombstone. In the picture, Su Qicheng looked younger than his actual age. Cheng Hui had said it was taken when they first got married. He looked completely different from the Su Qicheng in his memories.
Suddenly, Su Jingming’s voice turned raspy. "Dad."
"I regret it. Do you?"
*I regret not making up with you sooner.*
*And I regret not telling you that I have a boy I love very much.*
Su Jingming didn't know what Su Qicheng’s final thoughts were, nor did he know what kind of emotions he carried when he took that final leap. His questions vanished into the abyss, never to receive a response.
Finally, Wen Yan stepped forward and handed him a tissue. Su Jingming wiped his tears, returned to his usual self, and took Wen Yan’s hand. Addressing the photo on the tombstone, he said, "This is my partner. The kind I’m going to marry."
Wen Yan’s heart ached sharply. He squeezed Su Jingming’s hand and spoke solemnly to Su Qicheng, "Hello, Uncle. I’m Wen Yan. I will definitely take good care of Su Jingming."
Hearing Wen Yan introduce himself so earnestly, Su Jingming felt his heart soften significantly, the haze from moments ago instantly dissipating.
He pulled on Wen Yan’s hand and smiled. "Actually, the sweet and sour pork ribs you made were delicious."
Now, he would never again taste the flavor of those ribs from his memory.
I think he had finally let it go.
***
