He had a dream.
An unspeakable dream.
According to his biology textbooks, nocturnal emissions were a hallmark of entering puberty—normal and nothing to be feared.
But he had never heard of anyone whose object of sexual fantasy was of the same sex! That man had looked exactly like Fei Cheng, even possessing the same voice.
How could this be?
His mind was a chaotic mess. It took a long while before he finally released his hair and leaned against the cold tiled wall to calm down.
Do you know what the most terrifying part was?
It was that in the dream, you knew exactly who that person was, yet you chose not to let go.
He remembered the exhilaration of their skin touching with vivid clarity.
As the thoughts swirled, Cheng Yifei raised his hand and slapped himself.
*You’re fucking insane.*
He changed his trousers and, under the cover of night, washed what needed to be washed. Then, he sat alone in the living room, staring into space.
The rain fell incessantly, its rhythm grating on his nerves.
After sitting in silence for an hour, a thought suddenly struck him: now that he was so wide awake, wouldn't he know the truth if he went to test it again? Perhaps it was just because he rarely interacted with the opposite sex, or perhaps it was because Fei Cheng was better looking than other men, and he had simply gotten confused?
He immediately returned to the bedroom and quietly turned the doorknob. He found them both still asleep, but in just one hour, Yu Qing had taken advantage of his absence to crawl right up next to Fei Cheng!
Without a second thought, he strode over and pulled Yu Qing away.
Yu Qing was a heavy sleeper; he didn't even stir.
Seeing the two of them now on opposite sides of the bed with a wide space in the middle, Cheng Yifei’s brow smoothed over in satisfaction.
Outside the window, the wind and rain intensified, clattering against the glass.
Cheng Yifei crouched by the bedside. Once his vision adjusted to the darkness, he could make out the contours of Fei Cheng’s features. He waited a moment to ensure there were no signs of Fei Cheng waking before reaching out to touch his hair. His movements were feather-light; the hair was very soft.
As he stroked the strands, he leaned closer. The thumping in his chest grew louder. *Thump, thump, thump...* He stopped abruptly when he was close enough to feel Fei Cheng’s breath fanning across his face.
If Fei Cheng woke up right now, how could he possibly explain this away? If he couldn't, Fei Cheng would surely think he was a pervert, wouldn't he?
Cheng Yifei weighed the possibilities back and forth, unable to decide. He was so frustrated that his knuckles turned white from gripping the bedsheets. Finally, when his legs had gone numb from crouching, he decided to throw caution to the wind. Holding his breath, he lowered his head until their lips met—a touch that vanished as soon as it landed.
It happened so fast he hardly knew what had occurred; all that remained was his heart, hammering so hard it felt like it was in his throat.
He suddenly slumped back onto the floor. He watched the unresponsive Fei Cheng for a while, then raised a hand to touch the corner of his own mouth. His gaze was vacant, as if he hadn't felt anything at all.
Cheng Yifei thought: *That didn't count. Try again.*
This time he wasn't as nervous. He approached slowly, pressed his lips down slowly, and stayed there. Their breaths mingled, and his heart began to clatter like a frantic game of mahjong.
After a full half-minute, Cheng Yifei finally stood up and sat on the edge of the bed.
He knew he was done for.
As if on cue, the heavens unleashed a deafening crack of thunder.
Fei Cheng jolted awake from the noise. Startled by the sudden sight of a silhouette sitting by the bed, he immediately dove under the covers.
Cheng Yifei looked back at the ball Fei Cheng had curled himself into. He wanted to laugh but couldn't find the humor. He reached out and patted the mound of blankets. "Don't be scared. It's me."
It took a moment after hearing Cheng Yifei’s voice for Fei Cheng to poke his head out. Just then, a flash of lightning turned the room as bright as day for a split second. Having seen Cheng Yifei’s face clearly, Fei Cheng pulled the blanket down and asked sleepily, "Brother Cheng, why aren't you sleeping?"
"The rain is too loud," Cheng Yifei said, his voice raspy. "I can't sleep."
Fei Cheng shifted over, gesturing for him to lie down. "You won't hear the rain once you're asleep."
Cheng Yifei lifted the covers and slid in. The chill surrounding him was instantly enveloped by warmth.
Fei Cheng moved closer to huddle against him, resting an arm across Cheng Yifei’s chest. His fingers lightly tugged at the other's clothes as he mumbled in his drowsiness, "Just close your eyes and you'll fall asleep..."
Cheng Yifei: "..."
His fingers twitched. After a second of hesitation, he reached out and circled his arm around Fei Cheng, holding him just as he had before. The boy smelled of the same body wash he used; it was a comforting scent. It felt good to hold him—he didn't want to let go.
The sound of the rain gradually faded, and the agitation in his heart settled. Long, steady breaths signaled that everyone in the room had fallen asleep.
Yu Qing seemed to be dreaming of something delicious; he smacked his lips and rolled over to face Fei Cheng. Without warning, he opened his eyes and stared blankly at the two huddled together. He reached out, pulled up his own blanket, and closed his eyes to go back to sleep.
***
The next morning.
The rain had stopped. Round droplets of water hung from the black power lines by the road, dripping down every now and then. The ground was wet everywhere, with muddy water pooling in the potholes.
The dark clouds refused to disperse, leaving the sky gloomy. The temperature had plummeted from five degrees to one, and it was so cold that Fei Cheng refused to get out of bed.
In contrast, Cheng Yifei had risen early. At eight o'clock, he finished cooking steaming bowls of egg noodles and went to call Fei Cheng. When Fei Cheng still wouldn't budge, he kicked Yu Qing awake instead.
Yu Qing let out a yelp, pleading with his eyes closed, "Mom, I beg you, just a little longer, just a little longer!"
Cheng Yifei unceremoniously whipped the blanket off him. "Get lost. Go back to your own house and find your own mother."
Shivering from the cold, Yu Qing opened his eyes to see Cheng Yifei standing by the bed with a dark expression. Thinking he was still dreaming, he rubbed his eyes, and then remembered he had slept in Cheng Yifei’s room with Fei Cheng last night!
He scrambled to put on his clothes, peeking over as he dressed. Seeing Fei Cheng wrapped in a cocoon with only the back of his head visible, he chuckled. "Chengcheng is still sleeping. Watch me use my Ultimate Invincible Thunderbolt wake-up service! Rise and shine, my blanket!"
His hand reached out mischievously to flip the covers, only to be swatted on the back of the head by Cheng Yifei and driven out of the room.
Fei Cheng lingered in bed until nine o'clock before Cheng Yifei finally hauled him up, blanket and all.
Cheng Yifei took the clothes he had been warming inside the covers and handed them to him. Seeing the boy’s lethargic state, his hands itched with the urge to help him dress, but he restrained himself. He reached out with feigned nonchalance and smoothed down a tuft of Fei Cheng’s messy hair. "Hurry up and get dressed so you can wash up. There's hot water in the basin."
"Oh." Fei Cheng nodded, slowly pulling on a sweater. Halfway through, he realized it was inside out, so he pulled it off to start over.
Cheng Yifei felt he must be seriously ill; he actually found Fei Cheng’s dazed state adorable, even though he had seen the boy act muddled before.
He turned and left the room. *Look less, act normal.*
Fei Cheng was entirely oblivious. It wasn't until nine-thirty, while sitting at the dining table, that he remembered to ask, "Brother Cheng, where's Fish Head?"
"He went home," Cheng Yifei called from the kitchen.
Hearing the sizzle of oil meeting food, Fei Cheng curiously wandered into the kitchen. Seeing Cheng Yifei busy at the coal stove, he remarked with slight surprise, "Brother Cheng, you actually know how to fry eggs? Fei Qi is so old, yet he’s never even touched a spatula."
Cheng Yifei expertly flipped the egg. "And what about you?"
"I've definitely touched one, though I haven't actually cooked anything yet..."
Cheng Yifei let out a soft chuckle.
Fei Cheng felt a bit embarrassed. He rubbed his nose, watching as the egg turned golden-brown before Cheng Yifei scooped it out and placed it atop the bowl of noodles.
Cheng Yifei reached for the seasoning jars. "Grandmother is such a good cook; her food has the perfect color, aroma, and taste. There’s simply no place for you to show off your skills."
In contrast, his own parents were away on business all year round and rarely returned. The closer it got to the end of the year, the busier they became. Aside from winter and summer breaks, he spent almost the entire year alone and had been forced to learn to cook for himself.
Fei Cheng rubbed his burning ears as he followed Cheng Yifei out of the kitchen. "My grandfather can cook too. His braised meat is incredibly fragrant—the meat falls right off the bone but still has a nice chew. One bite of that delicious juice is enough to make your tongue weep with joy."
"That impressive? I'll have to try Grandpa's cooking if I get the chance. For now, you'll have to settle for these egg noodles." Cheng Yifei set the noodles on the table and sat down opposite Fei Cheng.
Fei Cheng insisted he wasn't "settling." He picked up his chopsticks, blew on the noodles, and nodded as he ate.
Seeing Fei Cheng’s puffed-out cheeks, Cheng Yifei felt an urge to poke them. Realizing this was inappropriate, he silently averted his gaze, only to find his eyes drifting back a moment later. Frustrated, he got up and went back into the kitchen. *If I can't see him, I'll be fine.*
Once he was in the kitchen, Fei Cheng chewed his noodles while surveying the house. Cheng Yifei’s home was fully furnished with high-quality, stylish pieces that were far superior to those in an average household. It was clear that Cheng Yifei came from a wealthy background.
However, there was very little "warmth" in the house. Aside from Cheng Yifei’s belongings, there were almost no traces of anyone else living there.
The only thing that offered more information was the photo wall in the living room. It featured photos of Cheng Yifei and his older brother growing up, as well as a family portrait of the four of them. He knew Cheng Yifei had a brother in university; both brothers were outrageously successful individuals. *Well, better not ask too much.*
He lowered his head to slurp some noodles. Hearing no movement from the kitchen, he called out, "Brother Cheng, when did you learn to cook?"
Cheng Yifei was currently leaning against the sterilization cabinet, contemplating his life. Hearing the question, he answered distractedly, "Fifth grade."
Fei Cheng was stunned. "You were so young then. Your parents were okay with you touching the coal stove?"
"I cooked in front of them. From turning on the gas to turning it off, I didn't make a single mistake. Over time, they stopped worrying."
Fei Cheng: "..." *It's because you give off such a steady, reliable vibe!*
After breakfast, Cheng Yifei saw Fei Cheng home.
The weather had been cold yesterday, and Fei Cheng had been lazy, so he had hopped onto the back of Cheng Yifei’s bike to go to town with Yu Qing, eventually ending up back at Cheng Yifei’s place.
If he didn't ride a bike and had to walk from Cheng Yifei’s house to his own, it would probably take over two hours...
What a nightmare.
Cheng Yifei didn't call for Yu Qing. He dropped Fei Cheng off alone and then headed straight for the internet cafe on the main street.
Poor Yu Qing knocked on Cheng Yifei’s door for ages, but no one answered.
It was the twenty-eighth day of the lunar month, only two days away from New Year's Eve. Many students' parents had returned, so the number of students at the internet cafe had dwindled significantly.
Cheng Yifei found a quiet corner and powered on a computer. He opened the Baidu homepage and hesitated for a long time before typing: *What does it mean if your sexual fantasy object is of the same sex?*
Before he could even click on the resulting list of webpages, he saw the word "homosexuality" in the related searches.
As if possessed, he clicked on the term.
...
Two hours later, Cheng Yifei logged off and left the internet cafe. His expression was natural, no different from when he had arrived.
He hopped on his bike and squeezed into the bustling streets. Stalls selling various goods lined both sides of the road, with those selling Spring Festival couplets being the most numerous. Everywhere he looked was a sea of people—in the middle of the street, inside the stalls, in front of the stands—people brushing shoulders, moving at a snail's pace.
He could have avoided this route, yet he chose to push through the crowd.
It was nothing, Cheng Yifei thought. Who he liked was his own business; it wasn't illegal. So what if it wasn't accepted? He didn't plan on telling that guy anyway.
He would like who he liked, and it was nobody's business.
***
| Chinese | English | Notes/Explanation |
| :--- | :--- | :--- |
| 梦遗 | Nocturnal emission | Medical term for a "wet dream." |
| 百度 | Baidu | The primary search engine used in China. |
| 同性恋 | Homosexuality | |
| 春联 | Spring Festival couplets | Red banners with calligraphy hung during Chinese New Year. |
| 叫床 | Wake-up call / Moaning | A pun; literally "calling someone from bed," but also a slang term for moaning during sex. |
| 鱼头 | Fish Head | A nickname for Yu Qing (余庆). |
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