Chapter 30 - Obsession and Regret
Ever since the day Jin Yan and Zhou Shu began their life under the same roof, the former’s once-impeccable sleep schedule had begun to dwindle at a palpable rate. In the past, Jin Yan had adhered to the most disciplined of rhythms: drifting into slumber as the world fell silent and rising just as the first light of dawn stirred the earth. Now, however, his nights were consumed by a relentless, heated expenditure of energy. When the chilly autumn mornings arrived, he found himself hopelessly anchored to the bed, unwilling to leave the warmth of his lover’s embrace. Often, it took Zhou Shu’s gentle prodding and a firm tug to finally get him on his feet to wash up and dress for the day.
Recently, Zhou Shu had cleared his professional calendar, choosing to remain in Haicheng to rest. This period of stillness was a rare luxury, a self-bestowed wedding gift that allowed him to devote every waking moment to Jin Yan. He no longer lingered in bed; instead, he rose alongside Jin Yan every morning, personally driving him to the pet hospital and returning faithfully to pick him up when the shift ended.
The first time Gou Feifei and Jiang Rong spotted the illustrious Movie King waiting outside the hospital at closing time, their jaws nearly hit the floor. They couldn't help but marvel at their senior brother’s hidden prowess—to think that Jin Yan could so effortlessly domesticate the notoriously aloof and legendary Zhou Shu. Zhou Shu, for his part, showed no trace of his public persona’s coldness. He greeted them with polite, understated grace before disappearing into Jin Yan’s office. Naturally, the hospital’s primary administrator would later ensure that certain segments of that day’s surveillance footage were permanently erased.
Away from the frantic vanity of the entertainment industry, their lives settled into a sweet, tranquil domesticity. They were a pair of lovers whose world had shrunk until only the other remained in focus. It was as if they were desperately trying to compensate for the five years they had lost, so immersed in their shared happiness that they had almost forgotten a crucial detail.
It wasn't until Zhou Shu’s mother made a passing comment during dinner that the realization struck: there was supposed to be a third person in their dynamic.
"Yan-yan, something my mom said today made me realize... Duo-duo has been sleeping very deeply lately."
On the drive back to their apartment after dining with his parents, Zhou Shu sat in the passenger seat, his brow furrowed with a growing sense of unease.
"Has this happened before?" Jin Yan asked, his voice laced with concern. "What was the frequency of his appearances in the past?"
"It’s hard to say. Sometimes it was frequent, and other times, if I was too busy to let my mind wander, he wouldn't come out for a while." Zhou Shu sighed, a shadow crossing his face. "But usually, if I called for him, he would answer. These past few days... there’s been nothing. Total silence."
Zhou Shu turned his gaze toward the window, watching the city lights blur past. "It’s my fault. I’ve been so distracted lately that I completely overlooked it. I tried calling him just now, but he didn't respond at all."
"Ge, don't overthink it yet. Maybe he’s just exhausted from everything that happened recently," Jin Yan said, reaching over to squeeze Zhou Shu’s hand in a comforting gesture. "How about we make an appointment with a professional? We should ask a psychiatrist about this."
Jin Yan’s suggestion reminded Zhou Shu of something Zhu Lili had mentioned a while back.
"Right, I should call Uncle Zhu—Zhu Lili’s father," Zhou Shu said. "Lili mentioned recently that her dad wanted me to come in for a follow-up anyway."
"Good," Jin Yan replied softly. "Let me know when you’ve set the time. I’ll clear my schedule to go with you."
Zhou Shu nodded, though his heart remained suspended in a state of anxious tension. He couldn't shake the premonition that Zhou Duo’s prolonged silence was a harbinger of something unsettling. Sensing his partner’s distress, Jin Yan spent the evening focused entirely on relaxation. He drew a warm bath in the spa tub, held Zhou Shu close while they watched a gentle romance film, and finally managed to coax him into a restless sleep.
Once Zhou Shu was out, Jin Yan stepped onto the balcony alone. The salt-tinged air of Haicheng swirled around him as he recalled the words Zhou Duo had spoken to him in private, and the heartbreaking note left in the "Recently Deleted" folder.
*Duo-duo said he felt like he was going to disappear...*
Jin Yan looked down at the streetlights below, torn. He didn't know if he should tell Zhou Shu, nor did he know how to even begin that conversation.
***
The appointment was set for noon the following day. As soon as Zhu Lili heard that Zhou Shu wanted a check-up, she convinced her father to sacrifice his lunch break. Jin Yan arrived straight from the hospital, and the two of them entered the office together.
"Uncle Zhu, let me introduce you. This is my... brother, Jin Yan." Zhou Shu coughed slightly, trying to mask the word "brother" with a hint of awkwardness.
Jin Yan raised an eyebrow but didn't expose his lover’s playfulness in front of a stranger. He offered a polite hand. "Hello, Dr. Zhu. I’m Jin Yan."
Dr. Zhu returned the handshake warmly. "I’ve known Zhou Shu for a long time, so there’s no need for such formalities. My name is Zhu Di, but you can just call me Judy."
Jin Yan blinked, momentarily stunned. He thought to himself that this family certainly had a very... efficient and casual approach to naming. Gou Feifei would probably fit right in with them. Despite his internal amusement, he maintained a composed exterior, his lips twitching only slightly. "Understood, Dr. Judy."
Dr. Judy invited them to sit and poured tea. After a few pleasantries, he transitioned into a professional tone. "Julia told me that Zhou Duo has been dormant lately and that you’re having trouble reaching him. Is this the first time this has happened?"
"Yes," Zhou Shu replied. "In the past, he might not answer if he was deeply asleep, but it has never been for this long."
"When was the last time he was awake, or the last time you spoke with him?"
"About a week ago," Zhou Shu said. "That was the day he took over for me to shoot the magazine cover."
"And he hasn't appeared since?" Seeing Zhou Shu nod, Dr. Judy continued, "When he last used the body, did anything significant happen? Any emotional or mental triggers?"
Zhou Shu thought for a moment before shaking his head. "Someone tried to stir up trouble and got me onto the trending searches, but that’s nothing new. Duo-duo wouldn't be triggered by something like that."
"I see. What about before that? Have there been any major life changes for either of you recently? Any significant mental shifts on your part?"
As Zhou Shu hesitated, Jin Yan squeezed his hand and answered for him. "We recently registered our marriage."
Dr. Judy didn't look surprised; instead, a look of elder-like kindness settled on his face. "Then I must offer my congratulations first. That is certainly the most important thing to celebrate."
After they thanked him, Dr. Judy noticed Zhou Shu’s posture relaxing slightly. He refilled their tea. "Xiao Shu, don't worry too much. Generally speaking, if a secondary personality is about to disappear, you would know in advance. He would give you hints or speak to you directly in your mind. Without specific therapeutic intervention or heavy medication, a personality doesn't just vanish into thin air without a word."
Hearing this, the weight in Zhou Shu’s chest finally began to lift.
"How has your mood been lately?" Dr. Judy asked. "Your state of mind looks significantly better than before. It seems going back to the source was the right move." His gaze drifted meaningfully toward Jin Yan.
Zhou Shu cleared his throat, looking a bit self-conscious, but he nodded in agreement. "It is."
Jin Yan, however, was struck by the phrase "significantly better than before." He frowned slightly, lost in thought.
Dr. Judy continued, "Since you’re on vacation, use this time to adjust. You can try to call out to Zhou Duo when the two of you are apart and see if he responds then."
Zhou Shu agreed. Dr. Judy then looked at him and said, "Xiao Shu, would it be alright if I had a private word with Jin Yan for a moment?"
"Sure. I’ll go out for a smoke and wait for you." Zhou Shu squeezed Jin Yan’s hand and stood up. He nodded to the doctor. "Thank you, Uncle Zhu. I'll be outside."
Once the door closed behind Zhou Shu, Dr. Judy turned to Jin Yan. "Did you know Xiao Shu smokes?"
"I do," Jin Yan said. "But he doesn't seem addicted. He doesn't do it often."
"From my observations, his smoking is a form of psychological suggestion," Dr. Judy concluded. "It’s similar to the Proust Effect."
"Dr. Judy, what do you mean by that?" Jin Yan recalled something and added, "You all seem to love using that term. Julia said the same thing when she was explaining his condition to me before."
"Because Zhou Shu’s case is a textbook example of the Proust Effect. He smells a scent, it triggers a memory, and that triggers a psychological reaction. Conversely, when he is psychologically distressed, he subconsciously seeks out a specific scent to numb himself."
"Is his current state serious?" Jin Yan asked, his voice tight with tension. "I only know that he used my scent to split off Zhou Duo, and that the smell of heavy rain summons him."
Dr. Judy nodded. "And smoking is part of it too." He looked Jin Yan in the eye. "Did you used to smoke?"
Jin Yan fell silent. Memories of the days following his differentiation came rushing back. During that time, he and Zhou Shu had become like strangers, trapped in a cold, awkward stalemate. It was then that he had started smoking, trying to act like an adult to drown his sorrows. Back then, he couldn't find any other way to soothe the obsession in his heart; only the nicotine invading his brain made him feel somewhat clear-headed. Even when they eventually started talking again, things were never the same. He had endured that loneliness for a long time, with only tobacco for company.
It wasn't until he went to Country A to study veterinary medicine that he finally quit. By then, he no longer needed such crutches; he could bury himself in academic research to get through the days. Looking back, his "addiction" had only lasted a few months. Even his parents didn't know he had ever smoked. How did Dr. Judy know?
Or rather, how did Zhou Shu know?
He looked at Dr. Judy, waiting for an explanation.
Seeing Jin Yan’s reaction, Dr. Judy had his answer. He said calmly, "When Zhou Shu locked himself in your closet back then... aside from your pheromones, he also smelled the scent of cigarettes."
Jin Yan’s eyes widened.
"The first thing he said to me when he came out," Dr. Judy added, "was: 'He actually learned how to smoke.'"
Jin Yan forgot how to breathe.
A man with claustrophobia had locked himself in a pitch-black, airless closet. He had stayed there, breathing in the scent of another person until he fractured his own soul to create a second personality. And yet, the moment he emerged, his first thought wasn't for his own shattered mind—it was for the owner of that closet. He was worried about why Jin Yan had started smoking.
Jin Yan felt a dull, throbbing ache in his chest. No amount of current happiness could ever truly erase the weight of his regret. For a moment, the world around him seemed to amplify. He could hear the rhythmic bubbling of the kettle on the table, the sizzling sound of the tea leaves being scalded by hot water, and the crisp *crunch* of a withered sycamore leaf being stepped on by someone outside the window.
The world was full of voices, and in that moment, they all seemed to be mocking his past stupidity.
He could hear every single one of them.
***
