It was autumn again.
Su Jingming was placed by Chen Feng into the local area’s top high school, in its most prestigious class. This class was filled with academic elites who showed little curiosity toward a mid-term transfer student like Su Jingming.
In this environment, strength spoke for itself.
After the first monthly examination, Su Jingming took the top spot in the entire grade. On the ranking bulletin board, his name sat at the very top. Su Jingming looked at it for only a few seconds before pursing his lips and returning to the classroom, his face devoid of any extra expression.
This time, he truly established a presence in the class.
Faced with this sudden academic powerhouse, many people wanted to know Su Jingming’s study methods—how he could move to a new place and still firmly claim first place.
Su Jingming’s new desk mate was also a boy. Unlike Ren Wei, he was very quiet, disliked talking, and had a somewhat solitary personality. In the month they had been desk mates, the number of times they had spoken could be counted on one hand.
It wasn't until the day the results were posted that his desk mate asked him in a low voice, "How are you so good at studying?"
Su Jingming was slightly taken aback. He saw a glimmer in his desk mate’s eyes, a look of expectation and admiration.
"...I’m not, it’s nothing special," Su Jingming gave a very light laugh. "Just good luck."
Su Jingming’s so-called "good luck" lasted all the way until his high school graduation, manifesting as an acceptance letter delivered to the Chen household.
When Cheng Hui saw the notification from a top-tier national university, she wept with joy. Even the usually cold Chen Feng had a hint of a smile on his face.
"Jingming, you did well," Chen Feng offered a rare word of praise before turning to Chen Yue. "You must learn from your brother in the future. He is your role model."
Since coming to the Chen family, Su Jingming had rarely heard Chen Feng praise him like this. A faint warmth appeared between his brows as he nodded.
Cheng Hui was so excited she hardly knew what to say. She read the acceptance letter over and over again, finally taking a photo of it with her phone to post on her social feed. Only then did she remember to ask Su Jingming, "Have you thought about what major you want to study?"
Su Jingming remained silent for a moment. "Psychology."
"Huh?" Cheng Hui was clearly disappointed. "Will it be hard to find a job in psychology later on?"
In today's society, many people viewed studying psychology the same way they viewed being mentally ill.
Su Jingming raised an eyebrow. "I quite like it."
Cheng Hui had originally wanted Su Jingming to study something related to finance. Just as she was about to open her mouth to persuade him further, Chen Yue pulled on Su Jingming’s hand. "Brother, can I go to the same university as you in the future?"
Hearing this, Su Jingming leaned down and pinched Chen Yue’s cheek. His tone was gentle. "Alright. I’ll wait for you at A University."
Seeing this scene, the words of persuasion Cheng Hui had prepared were swallowed back down.
That autumn, Su Jingming declined Cheng Hui and Chen Feng’s well-intentioned offer to see him off. He dragged a single suitcase and headed for A University alone.
Watching her son’s retreating back as he left with his luggage, Cheng Hui thought of all the changes in Su Jingming over the past year.
Su Jingming had learned to smile and to calmly accept everything. He would chat with her peacefully, tell her about his recent life, and proactively bond with Chen Yue, fulfilling his responsibilities as a brother. He also acted exactly as a son should.
Tears gradually welled in Cheng Hui’s eyes. She wanted to call out to him, wanting him to turn back and look at her one more time.
Chen Feng took her hand and shook his head gently. "He has done very well this year."
Hearing this, Cheng Hui’s tears broke free. Her slightly trembling lips betrayed her current emotions as she said, "He is a good son, but I am not a competent mother."
***
Su Jingming headed straight for A University after his flight landed.
This was an unfamiliar city, a three-hour flight from Cheng Hui and a six-hour flight from Liang City.
The taxi driver, speaking with a heavy local accent, looked at Su Jingming through the rearview mirror. "Young man, are you a freshman at A University this year?"
"Yes."
"Incredible! Being able to get into A University... back in my hometown, that would call for a massive banquet for the whole village." The driver was over sixty, his hair graying at the temples.
Su Jingming nodded with a smile. "You flatter me."
The driver continued, "A University is a fine school. Study hard there, and companies will be fighting over you when you graduate. Oh, right, young man, what major did you choose?"
"Psychology."
As soon as Su Jingming finished speaking, the driver fell silent for a few seconds before quickly praising him again. "Psychology! You’ll definitely be a doctor when you come out. Impressive, impressive."
Su Jingming didn't pay much mind to the driver’s sudden change in attitude. After getting out, taking his luggage, and paying, he thanked the driver. In a daze, he seemed to hear the driver say regretfully, "To get into A University and choose that major... what a waste. There’s no future in it..."
Su Jingming’s footsteps faltered slightly. He looked up to see a crowd gathered at the gates of A University. A young man wearing a volunteer hat walked up to him.
"Classmate, you’re a freshman this year, right? Which department?"
"Psychology."
the man looked surprised for a few seconds. "Then I’ll take you over to the Psychology Department to report."
"Thank you, Senior."
Su Jingming followed the man forward. The man shouted toward the crowd ahead, "Sheng Nian! Take this junior to report to your Psychology Department!!"
Hearing the name, Su Jingming looked over. A young man walked slowly out from the crowd ahead.
He was yawning, looking utterly exhausted. "Senior Liu Liang, stop shouting. You’re making sure everyone knows my name."
Liu Liang looked at him with an expression of exasperated disappointment. "This is a junior from your department. Take him to report properly. Remember to lead him to the dorms; don't let him get lost."
Sheng Nian gave a few perfunctory replies before finally fixing his gaze on Su Jingming. Liu Liang added, "And when are you going to fix that hair of yours? You’re about to start your internship. Careful the hospital doesn't kick you out."
Sheng Nian frowned. "We’ll talk about that when internship day comes."
Only then did Su Jingming notice that beneath this person named Sheng Nian’s black hair, there were several faint silver strands. He didn't understand these hairstyles, nor was he particularly curious.
Sheng Nian led Su Jingming through the campus. Suddenly, he stopped and looked at the youth behind him.
The youth looked back at him in surprise, eventually offering a slight smile.
Sheng Nian clicked his tongue. "What’s your name?"
"Su Jingming."
"Why would you study this major?" Before Su Jingming could answer, Sheng Nian added, "Not even a dog would study this major."
For once, a thought surfaced in Su Jingming’s mind: *Did I really choose the wrong major?*
Regardless of how the outside world viewed psychology, for Su Jingming, it was like opening a door to a new world. He wanted to understand the human psyche. He wanted to understand why Su Qicheng had treated him that way, and why he had made the decisions he did.
Ultimately, he still wanted to ask himself whether his decision that year had been right or wrong.
In the end, Su Jingming simply wanted to give himself an answer, and an answer to Su Qicheng as well.
To find that answer, Su Jingming immersed himself in this city for four whole years. During those four years, he never returned to the Chen family, nor did he return to Liang City, remaining there entirely alone.
It wasn't until he received his graduation certificate that Cheng Hui’s urgent phone calls began coming one after another.
"Now that you’ve graduated, can you come home? Yueyue misses you very much."
Su Jingming held the phone, standing before a massive floor-to-ceiling window. Books and research reports were scattered all over the floor by his feet. His eyes reflected the night scenery outside. "Mom, I’m very busy lately. My mentor wants me to continue assisting with the project he has on hand."
"What kind of projects are there to research in psychology..." Cheng Hui regretted the words as soon as they left her mouth. She coughed twice. "Even so, you should find time to come home and visit. It’s been four years; you haven't even come home for New Year’s. Do you know how much I worry about you being out there alone, not eating or dressing well?"
"The living allowance you send every month is enough, and I have my scholarships. You don't need to worry about my life." Su Jingming couldn't remember how many times he had told Cheng Hui this. "I won't talk for now; I still have things to do. I’ll call you back tomorrow."
This time, Su Jingming didn't get to hang up as he wished.
On the other end of the line, Cheng Hui asked, "Are you going to see your father this year?"
Su Jingming’s grip on the phone tightened. Looking at the heavy traffic below, the emotions accumulated in his chest gradually flooded his heart. After a long silence, he asked, "...Are you letting me go back?"
Five years.
Five years had already passed.
The days dragged on, one after another, from autumn to bitter winter, from winter to spring, and from spring to summer.
In this cycle, Su Jingming began to lose track of how many springs and summers he had lived through, and how many autumns and winters he had endured.
In those five years, Su Jingming had never mentioned returning to Liang City. The task of visiting Su Qicheng’s grave had been left to Cheng Hui. Mother and son shared a tacit understanding on this matter; if he didn't mention it, Cheng Hui wouldn't either.
Just as they never mentioned Wen Yan.
The name "Wen Yan" was like a taboo.
From their youthful acquaintance to falling in love, it had taken less than a year. They had accompanied each other through the most difficult stages of their lives without a single complaint. Finally, at eighteen, his letting go and his "fulfillment" of the other’s needs were things he still didn't dare to look back on.
*I was once a deserter, discarding my armor and plunging my blade into the person I loved most.*
It wasn't that Su Jingming hadn't thought about contacting Wen Yan. Every time he saw that familiar number, he could never bring himself to press the call button.
He had thought about what he could possibly say if he did. What could he even ask?
He was even afraid. Would Wen Yan blame him for running away so quickly back then, for vanishing without a trace?
Emotions were truly troublesome things—at least, that was what Su Jingming believed. No matter how many people of the opposite sex his seniors introduced to him, he simply couldn't muster any interest.
Su Jingming would always say half-jokingly, "Someone like me is probably suited to growing old alone."
He didn't seem suited for romance, nor was he suited for reaching out to new people.
***
**Glossary**
Chinese | English | Notes/Explanation
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陈锋 | Chen Feng | Cheng Hui's current husband; Su Jingming's stepfather.
陈月 | Chen Yue | Su Jingming's half-sister; daughter of Cheng Hui and Chen Feng.
A大 | A University | The prestigious university Su Jingming attends.
心理学 | Psychology | Su Jingming's chosen major.
刘亮 | Liu Liang | A senior student at A University.
盛年 | Sheng Nian | A senior student in the Psychology Department at A University.
学霸 | Academic elite / Top student | Slang for a straight-A student or someone very dedicated to studying.
狗都不学 | Not even a dog would study this | Internet slang used to describe a major or profession that is perceived as extremely difficult, unrewarding, or having poor prospects.
